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Old November 13th, 2017, 07:12 AM #21
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> Cameron Samurai
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ONE FLEW OVER THE BARON'S NEST



They told him at a very young age he was insane.

That his parents were insane, that his ancestors were insane.

They labelled his mother a vile toad.

Then they realized they were being a tad too literal and obvious with the last bit and settled on vile.

But still, that had to hurt him.

And now here he was, himself an insane Toad, a vile insane Toad, back in the home that had mocked his family, a home he had made pay by disposing of them all and replacing them with robots, surrounded by badly designed robotic variations of his greatest enemies.

Two very, very, very cross parents.

Greenback looked out the window and cursed the robots as they swarmed all over his childhood home.

Greenback gritted his teeth and, stomping towards the door, he took a brash and a bold step outside, where he spotted the genuine articles, DM, Squawkencluck and Penfold, flying overhead in the Mark IV.

Penfold, megaphone in hand, called out to the Baron.

"You're up very late, what time do you call this?" Penfold uttered.

"Its quarter past two in the afternoon" Greenback called.

"That's an ungodly hour, you'll be late for work" Penfold replied.

"I don't have to work, I'm an evil genius" Greenback hissed.

"You don't have a job? I didn't raise you to be a slacker" Penfold snapped back.

"You didn't raise me at all" Greenback yelled back

Penfold was taken aback

"How very, very dare you" he said, "You owe your whole second childhood to me"

"Danger Mouse...are you quite confident that precious wee pal of yours is ok?" Squawkencluck whispered.

"Calm down Professor, I'm just letting Penfold get all of that residual pent-up parenthood out of his system" Danger Mouse replied, "He took the Baron taking advantage of his good will to heart. He was crying for hours"

"Oh the poor critter, I ought to pet him, he did such a bonnie job" the Professor replied, feeling quite complimentary of him. "He did everything I told you to be...all calm and gentle. He'd make a swell mother, or father, or babysitter...I wonder if I could slot him in to take care of my little niece over the birthday weekend next march?"

"You don't want me coming down there, I don't want to humiliate you in front of all your new playmates" Penfold uttered, "They can be just as strict as your father and I were when we stopped you spraying that rotten gas all over London"

"You really think these mechanical minions of yours can keep me tethered to this volatile village? Think again" Greenback said, grabbing a nearby bicycle and attempted to ride out of the main square.

Dangermouse pressed a button on a small remote control he had kept in his pouch. The robot nearest to the exit leading to the main hillside road extended his arms out and disconnected the wheels from the bike, sending the Baron flying into a market stall, the fruit scattered in all directions.

"Now you're going to have to clear all that up...and it's coming out of your allowance" Penfold continued to bellow over the megaphone.

"You don't even know how to trace my account" the Baron snapped back.

"Are you telling me we don't know how to balance our books? How else have we been able to keep you fed and accommodated over the last few days?" Penfold uttered in frustration, tears wallowing up in his eyes.

"I spend all of my free time nursing you, washing you, clearing up after you, and then you go and admit you were faking your affection all that time, it breaks my heart, but you know what? Through all of it, I recognized one thing...a parent can rise above the hurt inflicted on them by their burdens, and they can forgive. They can't forget, because the grief helps us grow, but they can forgive. And I forgive you...so here, take this"

Penfold threw something out of the car, the Baron caught it.

It was his cherished teddy bear.

"Take me home Chief" Penfold replied, "I want to give the Baron some space to play with his new friends, cling tight to that old one, and hopefully he doesn't forget the kind of parents we were to him"

As the car flew away, the sounds of the Bee Gees Don't Forget to Remember played over the loudspeakers

Greenback grabbed his cherished childhood bear, tears swelled up in his own eyes as a small portion of guilt overtook his usually unrelentingly selfish demeanour, and he calmly stroked the bear's forehead, inserting his right thumb into his mouth and wallowed in a self-pity party of his own making, all while the robots danced merrily around him.

They said his family was insane.

Compared to who he dealt with on a day to day basis, the Baron took comfort in the notion he'd never felt saner.
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Old November 13th, 2017, 07:15 AM #22
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THE LIGHT AT THE END



Oh dear, oh dear, an alternate universe episode...how confusing.

How confounding!

And worst of all, they relied on your average "Evil double somehow manages to tarnish the main hero's reputation" premise.

They didn't even have the grapes to supply Sinister Mouse with an evil goatee.

Ah, but maybe we ought to keep our path well off this particularly train of thought, and focus instead on Danger Mouse's Mayfair mailbox headquarters once again, where we find our intrepid hero, the world's greatest secret agent, chatting with the 'Special' Col. K.

"I beg your pardon narrator? Special in what way?" the Colonel asks.

"I think he's referring to how special you are to the agency...only someone with a unique trust in your agents could be compelled to send their top mouse to arrest one's self for crimes" DM replied as I, the narrator breathe a sigh of relief.

At least you know how to spare me from my arrogance DM.

"Think nothing of it Narrator" said DM.

The doors of the lounge area swung open and who flies in? None other than DM, and not, Mouse, but Danger Moth.

"Hello DM, what can I do for you?" DM asked.

"Splendid seeing you DM" Danger Moth replied, "...Though we really ought to have picked better initials. I can tell it's going to lead to some awkward narration." Said DM

Ah yes, I see your point.

"Yes, you do don't you?" said DM.

Which one of you said that?

"I did" said DM.

The mouse?

"Yes...I'd advise you not to use DM any further in this fic" said DM...oh I mean Dangermouse. Right. Happy now?

"Splendid fun" said the White Wonder. "Now, what brings you here Danger Moth?"

"I just wanted to apologize for ever doubting you...I came in the final four or so minutes of the episode when I got the call to apprehend you, I had no idea it was an alternate double story" Danger Moth replied.

"Oh think nothing of it, you were just doing your job" Dangermouse replied, "I'd have done the same in your situation...and yes, even I would have asked for the car while you were incarcerated"

Danger Moth giggled, "Guess that was a bit silly of me, and a bit out of step if I do say so...here we were on opposite ends of the law and I was asking favours of you like it was a regular day for us"

"It's hard to switch friendship as strong as ours off...especially when I always cave in to your requests" Dangermouse said.

"Well you didn't need to, as soon as someone stuck a light in my face, off I went" Danger Moth continued, sighing sadly.

"Hey, chin up Danger Moth" Dangermouse said, placing a hand under the chin of the gloomy agent, "You can't help your instincts"

"The agency helped me hone every instinct except that, it just shows how useless I am" she said, "I'm good to a point, and when things get crucial, I give in to that instinct. I let you go, and while things turned out alright, imagine what would have happened if you had been behind all those robberies? How the agency puts up with me I'll never know"

"We all have our pitfalls Danger Moth, some of us even have unfortunate middle names" Dangermouse told her

"I heard that" said Penfold over at the breakfast bar.

"Shush, Penfold, I'm lending Danger Moth my ear" he said

"Really? Which one? The left or the right? Because I'm pretty sure my magic act depends on the coin I placed in the right" Penfold yelled back

Dangermouse sighed in frustration.

"Nevermind him" he said, "The point is Danger Moth, is that a part of you probably gave into that instinct of yours more because you didn't really believe I'd committed all those crimes and chose to distract yourself so I'd get clear away to sort out the real mess. You're my friend; friends have faith in each other. More than what comes from a torch or from the flicker of a flame, it is friends are the true lights of our lives, and I wouldn't put it past you to have deliberately tripped up and been my light at the end"

Danger Moth clutched Danger Mouse's hand, touched by what he said "I guess I'm far too trusting of my inner instincts. Thank you DM"

"Don't mention it DM"

You're doing it again, the pair of you, cut it out.

"Oh let us have a moment" said Dangermouse.

As Danger Moth hugged her friend and departed, Penfold walked over to him, holding two slices of charred toast in his hands which he proceeded to eat anyway.

"You really don't think she flew away out of some subconscious desire to see you succeed do you chief?" asked Penfold.

"Not in the slightest Penfold, but it does her a world of good not to feel so down and humiliated about giving in to that side of herself" Danger Mouse replied, "She's done enough good for this service to warrant feeling like she's one of the trail blazers, confidence can start a fire"

"That's what I like about you Chief, you're always the sort to liken a moth to a flame" Penfold replied.
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Old November 13th, 2017, 07:16 AM #23
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DON'T YOU OPEN THAT BACKDOOR

When last we left Danger Mouse and Penfold, they were at the mercy of angry pitchforks and manic villagers with murder on their minds.

"Come on Chief; let's get to the Danger Car before they send you over the edge again" Penfold pleaded, grabbing the chief's arm and dragging him towards the car.

"I never thought they would prove capable of that on a kids show"

Penfold examined the ratings chart on the large monitor screen Duckula had set up at the top of the castle.

"Well according to the count's BARB figures, kids are interested in a little realism, a little consequence, it's a good way of informing them" Penfold replied.

DM was slightly offended.

"Informing them of what? That whatever I say is somehow wrong?"

"Well...you do tend to put your foot in it"

"Nonsense, I always tread very carefully, If I ever do, I always make sure to wipe my feet on the rug"

DM and Penfold made their way over to the Mark IV, DM turned on the ignition, only to find the car won't start.

"The Count draining the main reactor to power his hypnotic transmitter has in turn drained the car batteries" DM explained.

"So we're left to the tender mercies of these volatile villagers?" Penfold asked.

"At least for the next page or so...but you should remain calm all the same chap"

The villagers surrounded the car, advancing further and further. One of them picked Penfold up like he were a mere toothpick and shook him about.

"Oh crumbs, Chief, help" Penfold squealed.

"Hang on chum" DM said, rummaging through his white superspy suit for something to pull out and utilise to save his quivering comrade.

He produced first a pair of nose-trimmers, then a banana, then his underwear.

"Oh great, I've gone full on commando now"

Penfold managed to catch a glimpse of the BARB ratings, they were spiking considerably.

"Blooming 'eck, the Chief's lack of firm comforts attracting some attention"

The villagers started rocking the car back and forth with DM still inside.

"Whee, oh this is fun Penfold, it's like being on one of those simulator rides"

DM then started slightly panicking over the fact the villagers were soon hoisting the car high above their shoulders, displaying uncanny feats of strength and hoisting the car over the edge.

"Oh no, Chief" Penfold yelled, he felt an emotional breakdown preparing to overwhelm him again. His pocket money was even coming out of his pockets and into the hands of the villager holding him up.

Now how would he afford a magazine on a Saturday afternoon?

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a wooden door materialised and a loud series of knocking could be heard emanating from it.

The villager, being polite to a point, opened the door, and was met with a pulse-pounding knockout blow from DM's fist as he stepped out of the door; he then grabbed Penfold and pulled him through the door.

The pair found themselves back in their cosy Mayfair mailbox headquarters, with Squawkencluck working feverishly on restoring power to the Mark IV.

"Chief? How did we get here?"

"I figured involving a re-imagining of Duckula in today's episode might have been a ploy from the CBBC studios to launch a spin-off series with him" DM explained, "They were using us as a backdoor so to speak, so I used what little power remained in the Danger Car to pinpoint a certain number of hidden backdoors worldwide, and sure enough there was one in Transylvania, I simply pinpointed it, conveniently placed somewhere under the castle, commandeered it and relocated it to your position"

"So you acted as a bit of a backdoor pilot then?" Penfold replied.

"Yes, I suppose you could say that" DM laughed.

TV puns. I get it. Hope you did, until next time volatile villagers... (clears throat to sing) don't you open that back door..."

"That's TRAP door narrator" noted DM.

My mistake then.

(sigh)

Trap Door.

I actually miss that show.show.

Last edited by Cameron Samurai; February 22nd, 2019 at 03:05 AM.
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Old November 13th, 2017, 07:18 AM #24
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THE LIFE OF THE PARTY


Hold on a minute folks...I just have to break out of this blasted box...ah, that's better.

Yes, another crisis averted, and I'm too late to sum up the episode, the credits have rolled, and life goes on for our terrific trinity of Danger Mouse, Penfold, and the birthday belle of the ball herself, Professor Squawkencluck.

"The day is yours again Professor, be sure to seize it" DM said to the snarky scientist.

"Oh don't worry Danger Mouse, I aim to seize something" she said, cackling just a tiny bit before exiting the room.

DM fiddled with his pockets and realized the keys to the Danger Car were missing.

"I do believe I've been robbed Penfold" he said, "The keys to the Mark IV are gone"

"Oh, that was just the Professor picking your pockets Chief"

"But she was standing right next to you"

"Uh huh, and I was the one she picked to pick your pocket"

"Et Tu Penfold?" Danger Mouse replied in shock.

"I was trying to make things up to her after we nuked all of her presents to keep everyone safe from the Baron's weapons" Penfold explained, "She reckoned you wouldn't be the first to suggest some form of repentance for how the day went since you're not so accommodating towards people's feelings, so she's trying to make you understand your own"

"My own?" asked DM

"That's right, she thinks humility is as good a feeling to start with as any, she'll hand you the keys to the car back once you're done entertaining the agency"

DM looked out at the crowd that had gathered earlier in the day for the party. They were all there, every agent; even the Colonel had forgiven Squawkencluck frying him with her blaster when the party was sprung on her.

"You mean...I have to entertain everyone in this room?" DM said

Penfold nodded, "It's that, or the car remains impounded for a whole month, she'll keep it under lock and key, and no, 'password' is not the code to access it like it's been the last twenty or so time you found yourself in this predicament on each of the Professor's birthdays, we aim to make it a little more difficult for you to figure out"

"Penfold, level with me, is it passwords instead of 'password?"' DM replied.

Penfold refused to let it slip.

DM sighed, "Fine, fine"

He clapped his hands together and called everyone to the centre of the room.

"So...yes, welcome friends, I'm the, um, light, no, heavy, no, mild, never...how about...electrifying? Yes that's a hook, I'm your electrifying dose of entertainment on this fine day celebrating the age of our beloved boffin, and I was thinking back to the years she had to have spent as a chick...whatever was on the box eh?"

Squawkencluck walked back in carrying two plates. On each of the plates was a slice of birthday cake. She handed one over to Penfold.

"How's it going?" she said

"I think DM's about to go into that spiel of his about TV show intros and how they're actually better than the shows you watched when you were young" Penfold revealed, "I wouldn't worry too much, it's just an excuse for him to break into his awkward impersonation of the 'Not Unusual' Carlton Banks dance"

"That's a little played out even by this early portion of the century's standards" the Professor noted.

"Yeah, leave it to the chief to act and dance like a dad, one step in front of a modern day mission yet trailing another foot behind the times" Penfold remarked.

"I did have a good time in the end Penfold, I got to rescue you two from the Baron's clutches, your we played around with murderous, not musical chairs, and I got to test more gadgets out saving your skin, I was more involved, and that was very empowering. DM's right, the day was mine and I seized every moment. That was what got me pumped up, I was so alive"

"Life is what you should bring to any party Professor" Penfold said.

"I'm sorry I told you to shush earlier too" the Professor added, "You wouldn't have reduced the gifts that brought me such light if you didn't want to spare me from the dark" she continued, and gave Penfold a peck on the cheek.

Penfold blushed, "Happy birthday Professor"

The two settled down beside each other and engaged in hysterical merriment at the sight of DM and his absurdist fresh prince dance moves, his humility brightening the remainder of their perfect day
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Old November 13th, 2017, 07:18 AM #25
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REMEMBER THE NAME


It had been a day where bonding had bloomed on a battlefield...a rather grimy battlefield at that.

The Sqauwkencluck clan had almost reduced the city to ruin, and all for the sake of a nice clean abode. Mrs. Squawkencluck had transformed her husband into garbage guzzling trash monster, and it taken the genius of her daughter Professor The Professor, a deevolver device, and the courage and resolve of the world's greatest secret agent to revert him to restore him to normal.

Now, as Danger Mouse took to the streets to clean up the trail left behind by the monster, with a patented feather duster of all things, the Squawkenclucks and Penfold had retired to their family homestead to have brunch.

Penfold couldn't help but feel slightly left out as the brilliant boffins engaged in complicated conversations at the table. Quantum realities, hidden realities, realities that could be conceived in a lab, it was almost a little overwhelming for him.

Still, he chose to concentrate on the little things he had learned tod, things that he, as your average everyman agent assistant could relate to.

"So...Professor eh?" he said to Professor, interrupting their complex conversations.

"Yes Penfold, you've already made note of this a good few times now. My name's Professor, are you going to needle me all afternoon about it?" Professor replied.

"Oh I don't know, it just seems a bit...anti-climatic is all, like the writers couldn't come up with something more inspirational. It's like that Powerpuff Whatsits show where the Mayor went by the name Mayor. It was funnier in that show"

"Well, I hope you recognize that science is not to be laughed at" Professor replied.

"But it is ok to sneeze at it right? Because I remember when I got my mucus all over your pastry dishes once and you created bacterial minnows out of them within five hours or so"

"Creating sea life out of waste? You didn't tell me about that bit Professor" said Mrs. Squawkencluck. Professor blushed.

"Oh it was nothing Mum, I had a few off hours and Penfold was being a curious wee cat, so when he refused to blow his nose, I chose to spend my hours a bit creatively than just blowing my usual gasket at him" Professor explained.

"I don't think you should get so angry at him or DM, they're always trying their best to do right by the world using your inventions sweetheart" Mrs. Squawkencluck continued.

"Besides" she added "I couldn't help but notice Penfold was the first to be considerate of your feelings when I was lecturing you on making your inventions too complicated for Danger Mouse to try and utilize. He saw how glum you were, and encouraged that well-meaning mouse to use your liquefying missiles"

Professor looked across the table to Penfold, and gave him a smile. She sighed.

"That was awfully sweet of you" she said.

"Think nothing of it Professor" Penfold replied.

"Care to tell him anything else?" Professor's mother whispered in her ear.

"Mum, pipe down, you're not that good at whispering" Professor harshly replied.

"I know the way you are about him just from the way you word your reports to home about life at work, you focus just a wee bit too much on everything he does wrong in your company, it reminds me a bit of how I am with your dad"

"Cut. It. Out" Professor insisted.

"You know Professor...if it's all the same, your first name is far less awkward than my unfortunate middle one" Penfold revealed.

"Really? What is it?" Professor asked, curious.

"Oh I'd hate to donate this to science" Penfold said, "But if you were to insist..."

"I do" the Professor replied.

Penfold got up from his seat, walked over to Professor and whispered it into her ear.

She giggled and gave him another warm glance.

"Really Penfold? Those names aren't anywhere near as unfortunate, who's been telling you that?" Professor asked

"The Chief" Penfold said, twiddling his thumbs anxiously.

"Oh I should have figured" Professor remarked, "Don't worry about what he has to say, think about what I have to say instead...it's not the name that brings you good or bad fortune, it's the person attached to the name that does. If you ever feel the need to no longer conceal it, if you ever feel proud of it one day, then make it stand for something greater than the sum of its parts. Make it a name everyone understands. Make them remember it."

"Like how 'Professor' makes what you do easy to understand?" Penfold asked.

Professor rubbed his head gently with her right hand, "See, you're not THAT hard to figure out"

"And that's why he's such an easy attraction for you" her mother replied, making another poor go at whispering in her daughter's ear.

"MUM" Professor snapped.
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Old November 13th, 2017, 07:21 AM #26
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A DAGGER TO HER MIND


The world has just been granted a pardon.

Yes, you heard right, you do the crime, you do the time.

Even I, your humble narrator, found himself singing jailbird blues.

But nobody felt as low as the genius responsible for the planetary lockdown.

Professor Professor Squawkencluck, who, at this very moment, is in the midst of filing a report to the World's Greatest Science Council.

"My fellow scientists, it is with deep regret that I report on the latest setback in project Days Off, the initiative set up to relieve the Danger Agency of unendurable stress levels and overworked hours. The cause of the setback was once again...once again...oh I can't do it"

She closed the laptop.

The door to her lab slid open and Penfold, assistant to the greatest secret agent in the agency, Danger Mouse, arrived with toast and a cup of tea in each hand.

"And just what are you doing in here Penfold?" said an irritated Squawkencluck.

"I was wondering if you'd care for some bread and egg" Penfold said.

"I don't see an egg" the Professor noted.

"I was hoping you'd help with that, you are a chicken after all" Penfold replied.

Squawencluck felt her blood levels rise; she got out of her seat and towered over the terrified hamster.

"Oh, I see, you haven't quite come down from mount unpleasant" he observed, "Don't worry Professor, I can relate"

"Oh you can?" Squawkencluck said in a snarky tone.

"Yeah, all that time in prison caused me to search my very soul" Penfold explained, " It got me to open things up to the Chief that I hadn't ever told anyone...about my great crime in days of my youth, like borrowing that pencil and never returning it...keeping it with me, like a dagger close to my chest. Oh how it crushed me, every day where I felt ever so slightly upbeat, I'd end up cursing my own enthusiasm because there was always that low point of my life beating as loudly as my heart."

"But then Danger Mouse used the pencil to trap Big Head in a logistical trap , causing her to overload, explode, and liberate us...your particular pencil problem proved to be a dagger to her mind" Squawkencluck noted.

Penfold permitted himself a meek smile, "The Chief always knows how to relief me of my burdens, and he always teaches me an important lesson in using what mistakes we make in the past to create fresh solutions for the future"

"That's something I've got to learn myself...I've been reluctant to tell the council about my latest failure with Big Head, but I realize if I don't open up about it, we won't learn how to correct the faults in the next model"

"The next model?" a flabbergasted Penfold asked, "You mean, after all this, you're just going to rebuild her again?"

"I will not be frustrated by failure Penfold, I'll keep working at Big Head until we're finally able to keep her under control" a stubborn Squawkencluck insisted.

"Well, if anything I'm impressed at how much faith you have in yourself, especially with the way you acted once you were incarcerated" Penfold noted, recalling the rather depressing sight of Squwkencluck despairing at Big Head's malfunction and tyrannical prison system, a system that had sapped the courage and willpower out of virtually all except Danger Mouse.

"I was thinking about my mum and dad the whole time, that's why" Squawkencluck revealed, "If they knew their daughter had been locked away with all of the other petty filth that plagued this planet, the shock of that would have crushed them...then it got worse when I realized my parents were probably locked away for that incident with the garbage monster, you know the one"

"Oh yes" Penfold said, recalling when the Professor's mother had transformed her own husband into a grimy, murky and monstrous being that had reduced most of London to literal waste.

"Never mind Professor" Penfold replied, trying to spin the conversation back towards a positive note, "Maybe learning nothing at all from your experiences somehow inspires you to aim for bigger and better solutions"

"You think so?" the Professor asked.

"Sure. Your mum wanted to turn your dad invisible the next time, that doesn't seem like it'd harm anybody else and what else could Big Head do that could top incarcerating everyone and everything? How do you step it up from there? You're itching to find out aren't you? That's what this agency demands of its members every day...raw ambition"

Squawkencluck knelt down and gave Penfold a big hug.

"You think so big for someone your size...do me a favour and never curse that enthusiasm of yours again" she said, squeezing him tightly.

"You got it...Squawky" Penfold said, grasping for air.

"Ok, only I call myself that, for that, you owe me the toast" she said, grabbing the toast off the plate, eating a portion of it, and tossing the crumbs into the bin.

"How about I go get you that egg? At least one out of the refrigerator" Squawkencluck offered. Penfold gleefully nodded, and, arm in arm, they exited the room and headed towards the Agency cafeteria.
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Old November 28th, 2017, 05:14 AM #27
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THE NEXT LEVEL


Authors Note: For more on the lucid dream date, read "The Great Mouse Detection"

When last we left our heroes, they had just defeated the computer-generated grunt known as Megahurtz, but not without great cost.

Not just to the cybernetic counter-part to Danger Mouse's assistant, the occasionally petrified Penfold, but to the pride of Penfold also.

As soon he got back to the Danger Agency, he knew just where to turn, and who to confront.

"Professor" he said in an angry tone as he stormed into the laboratory of Professor Squawkencluck.

The Professor gulped, Penfold seemed taller than she'd ever seen.

Perhaps aggression really does literally build character.

"Penfold...hi, wha-what can I do for you?" she said.

"You created that robot to replace me if I caved in during the Megahurtz training session" Penfold said, "Robopenfold told me all about it"

"Well, I, erm, you see..." the Professor attempted to explain, but words failed her at this crucial moment.

Penfold showed his back to her

"Not another word Professor, don't even try to deny it" a frustrated and hurt Penfold added, " I don't take to being lied to all that well, the Chief learned that first hand when he made me feel like I had achieved something, that I had elevated myself beyond cowardice. The fact I went and let that overtake me as soon as I realized I wasn't that altogether brave caused me to flee across half the city"

The Professor walked up and placed a hand delicately on his right shoulder.

"Look Penfold, I know you feel very hurt right now, like the world is against you, but if it helps you any, you made a believer out of me today"

"I did?" Penfold said

"Sure, you may be a bit of a cry baby most of the time, but when push came to shove, you manned up and used the same screwdriver Danger Mouse used to kick off this whole mess as a means of closing it out, at the risk of your own safety" Squawkencluck explained.

"Your robot helped a lot too you know" Penfold said, "Fine work there, even if I don't appreciate the motivation behind its creation, I'm sorry Megahurtz destroyed him"

"Nothing I can't fix" the Professor added.

"I think there's more important things that need fixing over time Professor, like my trust in you, the Chief's already had a steep mountain to climb where that's concerned" Penfold said, making the Professor quite aware of how torn up he still was.

"Maybe I can offer you dinner sometime?" The Professor asked.

"Oh I'm in no mood for a fancy date, I still remember the last place we went to...it was a dream date in the most literal sense" Penfold said, recalling the notorious lucid dream sting operation.

"How about a takeaway then?" the Professor offered.

"I'll let you know over the weekend, I'm exhausted and need some space to think. I just wish everyone wasn't so keen on advancing to the next level without me being a part of it" he said, solemnly walking out of the room, leaving the Professor alone.

Alone with her thoughts.

Oh Penfold, you're better off not knowing the truth.

I made the robot because I didn't want taking any more risks, you've done so much to take the weight off the world already, you deserve an early retirement...especially if it means you and I could maybe take what we have to another level entirely.

Squawkencluck headed back over to her desk to look at the plans for her various prototypes in development, she wondered just how much more often she would have to bury herself in work before someone came and dug her out.
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Old November 28th, 2017, 05:17 AM #28
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A VIVID PICTURE


A lazy Sunday afternoon, and for the world's greatest secret agent, the morning had all been a matter of time.

The evil King Kong Brunel had travelled back to the past to the creation of the Danger Agency and prevent Danger Mouse from ever passing his rigorous training exercises needed to qualify as a secret agent, but in attempting to do, he failed at one task and had succeeded in ensuring Danger Mouse had never met Penfold, his anxious little assistant.

And what a success Penfold had been without him.

A successful businessman with an impeccable timeliness thanks in part to enlisting the use of Brunel's time machines to ensure he was there for a meeting.

Danger Mouse had felt somewhat guilty of prying Penfold away from all of that, just so he could mop up after him and hand him the keys to the Danger Car.

Still, time and tide wait for no man or mouse to make their mind up, not when the fate of the very world was at stake.

There were other pressing matters to contemplate besides that.

And he knew he needed a moment of meditation, maybe even medication, to work it all out.

For that, he downed a couple of pills (and no, confidentiality issues means I'm not at liberty to divulge what kind of pills) and then called the department to enlist the services of a dear friend of his.

Within a few seconds, due partially to being able to fly, and partially because the story needs to get to the point quicker, she appeared.

"Danger Mouse...you wanted to see me?" asked Danger Moth as she entered the lounge.

"Ah yes DM...Do come in" DM said.

"Oh you're not doing that again are you?" said Danger Moth to the narrator.

Yes.

Yes, me.

No I am not doing that again.

"So you're just going to call one of us 'DM' this time?" said Danger Moth

There. See?

"Oh very well, I'll play my role in this little tale then" Danger Moth said, sitting down as DM rested his head on her lap.

"I need one of your patented head massages while the pills kick in, you don't mind do you?" DM asked.

"Oh I don't mind at all DM" she said.

Ah, you did it again. Don't do that DM.

"Which one? I'm DM" said DM...I mean Mouse, I mean...oh fiddlesticks.

"I love it when we confuse him like this" Danger Moth replied.

"Well it's better than the confusing goings on in my own mind" Danger Mouse replied.

"Then just sit back, relax, let me massage that big old head, and you can tell me what's on it" said Danger Moth, proceeding to sooth Danger Mouse's migraines.

"I was thinking back to the last time Kong mucked about with time travel" he began, "Penfold and I retained the memory of those events as they were before the changes. Penfold said it didn't make any sense, but today I feel compelled to make sense of it, because I woke up this morning to find I remembered the timeline where I had met Penfold, but the changes had already occurred so he was doing his own thing with Penfold Corp and I was left with a very big mess to clear up"

"It all comes down to encoding...I don't want to see convenient writing, so I'll just say that. Everyone has it to sort out their every day memories in regular life" Danger Moth explained, "In order to preserve an event in our perceptual systems, we have to live within the moment and convert it into something that can be remaining a persistent imprint. I've found strong amounts of stress levels can withhold the image in your head.

Studies show that we do a worse kind of encoding when our attention is diverted"

Danger Mouse was learning this first hand as he got perhaps a little too comfortable with the way Danger Moth's hands were pressing softly against his temple.

He felt his heart flutter and a soothing sensation course through his body, he began humming a few merry tunes to himself as Danger Moth continued to give him a lecture.

Danger Moth sensed he was personifying her explanation and didn't bother to interrupt herself just so he could ask her to repeat herself.

Besides, she quite liked the tranquil and peaceful sight of her dear friend, high on pills and on ego, trusting her implicitly with sorting his own head out.

"Distraction causes our confusion in our context of events; my advice would be to shut off all distractions in order to encode things more precisely. If we are motivated to remember things, we will be better at it. Especially if you're motivated at the moment of encoding rather than at the retrieval. Penfold must do have an awful lot of important things for you in order for the encoding to bypass even temporal interference"

"Well he always does do a great deal of washing up" Danger Mouse remarked, half-listening.

"Oh that's very much something you often forget to remember" Danger Moth joked.

"You know, that's a song by the Bee Gees" said Danger Mouse, by this point close to zoning out altogether.

Danger Moth took the opportunity quietly disembark from the sofa and place a blanket over Danger Mouse and tucked his head neatly behind a pillow. She stared intently at him for a while, tempted to use a mobile viewfinder to capture the moment, but instead choosing to rely on her perceptual faculties to put together a vivid picture.

If time went out of step again, she wanted to have the necessary motivation to remember life as it existed now, so she could put it back in place.

A quiet part of herself snuck into the back corner of her mind a little thought shared by novelist A.S Byatt. The very same thought she had told a younger version of herself.

I'm going to remember this
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Old November 28th, 2017, 05:19 AM #29
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COMPETITIVE EDGE

Danger Mouse and Penfold have just flown back in from a mission deep in the heart of enemy territory, and boy are their arms tired.

What? You don't appreciate the old "arms tired" routine? It's a vintage gag, all about the classics, that's this narrator.

Anyway, back on form and on subject, our heroes have just locked up a wolf in sheep's clothing, and he just happens to be a sheep.

Danger Sheep to be exact.

"Please DM, surely you can tell I was joking about wanting to rule the world? We agents stick up for another, put in a good word will you?" pleaded Danger Sheep as he was carted off to a secure cell.

"Sorry Danger Sheep, you won't pull your wool over any of our eyes again after this latest stunt" Danger Mouse replied.

Colonel K soon joined him; DM extended his hand to shake his.

"Good show Colonel, if you hadn't made good on your promise to deploy a rescue team, we would have been creamed by the Baron's crop of crooks" DM said in gratitude

"Don't thank me just yet Danger Mouse" the Colonel said, pulling his hand away, "There's still the matter of you going rouge also"

"Col. K, with all due respect, I was undercover" DM replied

"So was Danger Sheep, and we saw what happened to him when he enjoyed his little tour of duty at the resort too much...no DM, you're going to have to prove your commitment to this agency and the hardships we endure to clean up the messes you lot make"

"Yes, I see your point Colonel, how can I make it up to you?" DM asked of his superior.

"You know that rescue team I put on stand-by to come to the aid of my rescue team? You could do with serving them some grub over at the docks; they've been standing by for hours without any food"

"I'll see to that Colonel, mind if I bring Penfold?" DM asked, the Colonel approved, it was only after this that he shook DM's hand.

And so our heroes made their way over to the main port a few drives away from headquarters, where dinner would soon be served.

As Penfold raced back from the local Tescos with its 'quality value' products (yes, I do shop there and have my own opinions of it thank you very much), he found DM lost in thought staring across the edge of the harbour at the murky sea.

Penfold noticed, in his hand, was the memory stick that he had competed with Danger Sheep over in his guise of Vic Vicious.

"Did you take that off the Colonel without him noticing?" said Penfold.

"Yep, nabbed it right after he shook my hand" said DM.

"That rivalry over at the resort really has brought out the criminal in you Chief" said Penfold.

"This is everything I had ever wanted Penfold" said a saddened DM,

"This was a chance to nullify all the plans of every evil mind we've ever come across, spare us another one hundred and four episodes of misery and guarantee the Danger Agency a proper vacation...but today has taught me one very important lesson about having absolute power"

"That it's ok to lose absolutely when you play with it?" Said Penfold.

"Something like that" said DM, "Power plays bring out the worst in very good people, they force you to act against every moral fibre in their being in order to achieve their ends, they perceive it for the greater good, but in truth it only serves themselves, they want only what's good for them, not the country. If Danger Sheep can fall prey to the temptation on this memory stick, and I if could resort to what I did, robbing banks and stealing tents, just to maintain a competitive edge, who's to say others in the agency won't if they're tempted with the plans contained on this? It's a game of one-upmanship the country can ill afford"

"You're going to deny the agency the chance aren't you?"

DM stared outward at the sea, allowing the sound of its tranquil waves to sooth his soul, before he threw the memory stick into the waters.

"I'm putting a stop to the competition before it starts" DM said.

"Well played chief, well played" Penfold said, applauding him, "Come on now; let's make those troops on the ground some ravioli"

And so our morally justified heroes turn from the calm sea and resume their duties for the boys grounded on the land, caring not what kind of consequences await them when they return to headquarters, which I expect will blow over swiftly considering that there's no further new episodes for another long stretch.

Until then, this is your friendly narrator giving a toast to the next one hundred and four episodes, Netflix deals permitting.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:43 AM #30
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YOU LAUGH, YOU LOSE


Our home, this fragile Earth, only recently recovered from being bent and reshaped into that of a giraffe by a sensitive and serious armada of interplanetary clowns

But we're safe again, thanks to Danger Mouse.

Of course, had he not found this whole situation amusing in the first place, we wouldn't have endured this latest atrocity.

Take some notes DM, when next you big up your fifth encounter with an alien race under the assumption it's your first, try not to come across as someone who's watched one too many routines from Bernard Manning. Your hysterical outbursts could well have been considered politically incorrect.

Before you know it, we'll be putting a ban on all sorts of laughing matters.

"Oh do give it a rest Narrator, we've found something else to give us much needed merriment" said DM, pointing to the cabinet in front of him, Penfold, and Col.K.

He walked over to the cabinet and gently tapped the door.

"Professor?" he asked, "It's safe to come out now, the Balzaurions are all gone now"

There was no response.

"Oh don't be like that Professor" said DM.

"The Chief's right Professor, there's nothing to be frightened of"

"Yes there is" came a hyperbolic and panicked voice from inside the closet.

"What possibly could be unnerving you now?" DM asked.

"You think it's all over now, but you have to take into account the media blizzard that'll be on all week regarding this" said Squawkencluck.

"You mean you won't come out of there until there's no news coverage of the thing?" asked Penfold.

"You never know, it could open up all sorts of questions about what we consider funny and what we ought to take more seriously. We could end up with a referendum asking if we should or shouldn't laugh at clowns, whole circuses could be pulled from touring, the value of currency in that field of entertainment could drop" she continued.

"I think she's starting to cave in to the claustrophobia in there, we'd best pry her out" said Col. K, and ordered his agents to pry open the cabinet with a crowbar.

"You seem to be projecting an awful lot" said DM.

"But that's what the media do don't they?" Squawkencluck continued as she was led back to headquarters by Danger Moth, "They like to paint people with politically incorrect views as the crackpots. Don't you get the message of this episode? If you laugh, you lose. Look at what it nearly did to this planet"

"And look at what laughter did to SAVE the planet Professor" said DM, "I used my memories, and the legacy of my laughter, to get others to see the lighter side of life. We may have started off the day with a bit of a literal lemon, but by the end of it, we'd made a great deal of lemonade"

Squawkencluck smiled, she ceased to tremble, if ever so slightly, and reached out to pat DM on the head.

"Thanks for calming a hen's nerves Danger Mouse...though be warned, once this blitz cools, my temper's probably not going to, I won't forget you making fun of my fears in a hurry"

"Oh no rush Professor" said DM.

"Oh just you wait 'till I'm back on my feet Danger Mouse" said Squawkencluck, "You may not like the taste of the medicine, but you're going to have to take it" she said.

"Whatever did she mean by that?" DM asked.

Penfold nudged DM on the shoulder.

"In her mind chief, the best medicine to take with her sure isn't laughter, its tolerance"
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:44 AM #31
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'TILL THE COWS COME HOME


Is that wicked Weevil gone?

"Yes, narrator" said DM.

Really? You promise?

"My word is my bound" assured DM.

Good.

Now that it's safe to come out again, let me be the first to congratulate you, the reader, on surviving the relentless mystical onslaught of the Queen of the Weevils with the rest of us. That witch was a handful, oh if only I hadn't been narrating that flashback, she may never have been imprisoned in the first place.

"Yes, but if this Dangerous Muppet over here hadn't reassembled the crystal she had been trapped in, she wouldn't have gotten out" replied a very badly tempered Professor Squawkencluck.

"Let's be reasonable people about this Professor, there's always two sides to every story" said DM.

"Yeah, and you're the type who's stories always stick out at the sides" noted the Professor sarcastically.

"At least the whole experience made a believer out of you right Chief?" said DM's trusty assistant Penfold.

"He'll believe in a whole different sort of world than that of magic once he looks into my eyes and asks me an honest question...whatever happened to my Conveniantium handcuffs?" asked Squawkencluck, her face glowing a crimson red.

"Ah yes, I was just getting to that, I wouldn't want you to be cheesed off Professor" joked DM.

"Now's not the time to play the clown Chief, you already did that on Monday remember?" said Penfold, trying to calm the Professor's nerves by taking her red hot hand and dampening it with a cold wet sponge.

"Yes, well Professor, all I can ask you to do is wait until I've prepared a full and reasonably logical answer"

"You had until the cows came home" said the Professor, "That was Tuesday. This little crisis aside, you're out of time, and I'm just about to nip over to the Baron's cell and ask him directly what happened to the handcuffs"

"Look, why don't I make both of you some piping hot cups of Tetley Tea?" asked Penfold.

"Product placement now Penfold?" said DM.

"At least products know their place" snapped Squawkencluck

"Oh crumbs Chief, can't you two ever get along?" replied a frustrated Penfold, folding his arms and tilting his head up and frowning.

"Are you turning your nose up at us?" asked DM.

"Never mind, I've got it" said Squawkencluck, and pinched Penfold's nose with her right hand.

Penfold instantly embarked on a panicked dash across the room, wondering just where his nose had gotten to, still unable to comprehend that it was still attached to his face.

Squawkencluck allowed her eyes to roll over at the sad sight in front of her.

DM, however, could detect she was enjoying it.

"I couldn't help but notice how playful you were with Penfold today Professor" DM observed.

"Don't push those buttons DM, we're all professionals here, I have little time for opening up in that way around you, him, or anyone" said Squawkencluck.

"You saw fit to tell us about your fear of clowns, so that disproves that" said DM.

"Ok, so I like to pick on Penfold, at least he's more amusing than the everyday migraine I get from you. Satisfied?" asked the Professor as she walked over to Penfold.

"Very, now are you going to reattach his nose?" asked DM.

"Are you going to tell me where my handcuffs are?" asked the Professor.

"I'd rather milk that for all it's worth" said DM.

"You're trying to give me clues to the explanation in your jokes aren't you?" asked the Professor, gently pulling Penfold close to her and placing her hand on his nose, giving Penfold the illusion of having restored it.

"I should never underestimate your powers Professor" said Penfold.

"And I should not underestimate how impeccably skilled your best friend is at evading the simplest questions" said Squawkencluck

"Professor, I think that's udderly ridiculous" said DM.

Suddenly, the holographic projection of Col. K illuminated the room.

"We've got dire problems DM, there's been a looting at a Turkey airport"

"Don't you mean Turkish airport Colonel?" asked DM.

"No, a Turkey airport, one of the species-specific terminals that just opened up in the city, we need you to get back their valuables"

"I'm on it Chief" said DM, promptly darting out of the room.

Before Penfold joined him, he gave the Professor a thumbs up.

"Next time we have a conversation, he'd better not be talking turkey" said the Professor.

"It's probably for the best you take away the source of his sense of smell if you smell something very fishy" said Penfold.

"You know, Penfold, you don't have to take my magic tricks at face value" replied the Professor.

"Then where does the fun go in magic if you don't embrace the illusion as if it were reality?" asked Penfold, "You can take my nose any day, because I trust that your helping hand will put it right back where it belongs"

With that, Penfold dashed out of the room after the Chief, leaving Squawkencluck feeling much better.

In the meantime, I, your humble narrator, am glad the evil Weevil Queen has been sealed off and placed within the badge attached to DM's whimsically white attire.

I've seen worse places she could have ended up in.

It could have been a Blue Peter badge.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:44 AM #32
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THAT TIME OF THE MONTH


"Chief, get a move on" screamed Penfold from inside the back of the police van as it sped towards the station.

Yes, Penfold had played a sneaky hand to help his boss gain the upper hand and become "agent of the month", the title bestowed to the winner of a heated crook-catching competition, by borrowing a page out of a rival agent's infiltration book, disguising himself as a criminal and allowing himself to be captured.

Only he was treated like a legit criminal and bungled into the police van with villains he and his chief were fresh off of defeating, the nefarious members of the criminal group Hydrant!

In pursuit of the van was our old glory hog himself, Danger Mouse, and in pursuit of him was someone assuredly loyal to a different sort of "old glory", Jeopardy Mouse.

"Oh you are such a cheeky cheat" snapped back Jeopardy, as she caught up to DM, grabbed his tongue as he blew a raspberry at her, tied it in knots.

"EYE SAYE, UDNTHAVTALEAUMTNGETID" said DM.

Luckily for you, I the narrator can translate gobbledy-gook, DM said, "I say, you don't have to leave me tongue tied"

"Great, I was hoping I wouldn't have to hear a peep out of him, just like Penfold, you're doing his dirty work for him" said Jeopardy.

Hey, I'm paid to give my running commentary each week, you're part time, the next time you get a status above recurring guest star, then you call the shots with me.

"Never mind, I'll cut DM a deal, he acknowledges that he cheated in the crook catching competition and hands the trophies over to me, and I'll help him spring Penfold loose before the Hydrant agents have their way with him"

"ANATHI TASA PNFL" said DM.

Translated, that's "anything to save Penfold"

Jeopardy motioned DM to get into position as she took a step or two backwards before running straight towards the back of him.

"Bend down, now" she said.

DM did as instructed, and Jeopardy played leapfrog on his back, and somersaulted a considerable distance, managing to land on the van.

She then, like every lady does, spent approximately ten minutes working out what sort of item in her purse could prove useful in breaking into the van.

"Dial back on the sexist talk Narrator" said Jeopardy.

Well, I had no idea you were Social Justice Mouse Jeopardy.

Finally, she settled on a high voltage sort of lipstick, which, when activated, sent a surging shockwave across the entirety of the van.

With its drivers incapacitated, Jeopardy leapt off the van, walked over to the unconscious driver, grabbed the keys, and opened the back of the van.

Penfold, shocked and left rattled by the electric surge, fell out of the wagon in a heap. Danger Mouse, fortunately, was there to hoist him up.

Removing Penfold's disguise, DM handed Jeopardy her trophies.

"AHGUSSIWSYATMOTHMONAFEAL" said DM

"Should I untie his tongue narrator?" asked Jeopardy.

...Trust me, at the risk of angering your inner SJM Jeopardy, you don't want to hear what just came out of DM's mouth

(Between you and you lot though, he said "I guess it was your time of the month after all")
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:45 AM #33
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THE RIGHT FLING

Hand it over Penfold.

"No, I jolly well shall not"

Come on, it's just between you and me, I won't judge you, it's not my place to.

"No way narrator"

Look, it's no big thing, I just don't want you sharing my photobomb on your safebook profile.

"I've set things to private, no one can touch it"

You work in a spy agency Penfold, we've seen what promises are worth in that line of work already, the Baron almost took out the very core of the Earth and it was all down to the leaking of secrets all because you wanted to keep all your friends in the loop.

"What could the Baron possibly learn about you?"

Where I live for one thing.

"Oh please, you're practically married to the booth you sit in five days a week"

I still have to come home for rest, recreation, and sleep Penfold.

"It's not like you were bombing my photo with the Chief and the Colnel with a giant placard asking someone to call you did you?"

Her name is Sharon.

"Oh, lucky guess then"

Look, you're not going to document that bit are you?

"Why would I?"

You have one of those microscopic transmitter bugs on your lapel.

"It was the Chief's idea, he wanted to keep an extra twenty-four hour surveillance on me in case I used my smart phone for any other opportunities"

Yes, well now he can listen in on this...DM, my privacy could be compromised and your assistant is playing hard to hand over.

"Everyone's always gunning for me whenever I do wrong, it's not fair"

The right thing never is Penfold.

"Oh alright, I've logged you in, you can transfer the photo to your own profile by liking to it"

I don't have a safebook account Penfold, again, I like to keep things confidential

"You should have thought about that before you photobombed us"

I was excited, you lot had just saved the world and Sharon wanted proof I knew all about secret agents.

"Oh so you have to delete a fine afternoon's worth of pictures you're in just because you started to think long and hard about the consequences afterwards?"

Women can make you do the most amazingly foolhardy things.

"They do, but you have to wonder how much of the right kind of fling necessarily leads to the right thing"

Well, I know Sharon will definitely ring my neck when I got home due to me not being able to prove myself right, but I successfully deleted the photos, I'm handing it back to you Penfold.

"Much appreciated...hey, did you press 'select all?'"

Erm, well, er, all's well that ends swell eh?

"You have ten seconds to nip this in the bud, turn and head home before I start giving chase"

Exciting times lie ahead for your humble narrator in front and behind, tune in this week for more adventures of Danger Mouse, where hopefully the exciting action and high stake missions provide plenty of distraction for Penfold and allow me to...OUCH, stop pulling at my hair, you fight like a girl Earnest.

"Call me a girl again and you'll get a whole different sort of fling with me, namely a fling across the booth"
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:46 AM #34
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WORKING WEEKEND



Sun, sand, surf, what sort of a day do you call this?

I know the calendar reads Saturday, but I assure you it isn't.

It's a Tuesday.

A day normally reserved in my household for catching up on all the wrestling that I missed while I was dozing off following a hard day's narrating.

Of course, I also expected to wake up to another day of hard work. Don't tell me DM and Penfold haven't sorted out the mess they made with that calendar after Princess tampered with it to make Monday Saturday and so forth?

"We're kind of afraid of disassembling it in case we cause the world to collapse in on itself like last time" admitted Danger Mouse.

Professor Squawkencluck soon arrived on the scene, wearing a tropical fruit hat, dark shades, her hair was down, and following her in was Penfold and Odin carrying very heavy suitcases and parcels.

"Spending your well-earned cash on pleasantries rather than business Professor?" said DM.

"Chief, you've got to help me with this load, I'm barely able to stand up as it is" cried out an exhausted Penfold as the weight of carrying the bags threatened to pin him down.

"Put some more back bone into it lad" said Odin.

"Be nice to him Odin, he's normally lacking a metaphorical back bone, at least his literal one is making up for the former's short-comings" said Squawkencluck.

"Oy, I'll have you know I was the one who picked out that heat-seeking butter knife you were eyeing at that gadget store for use in our Breakfast Club division" said Penfold.

"As you can see, he's also lacking a metaphorical funny bone" the Professor continued, "I was joking Penfold, I appreciate what you did back at the mall"

"Still Professor, you know we have to find a way around this" said DM.

"Relax, if there's anything I've learned from your little adventure yesterday, it's that evil never takes a day, or even nine hours, off" said the Professor, and sat down at her computer desk, punching in a string of instructions.

"I've also learned that the Professor ought to take her mud packs off after an hour, not just nine, easier on everyone's eyes" said Penfold.

The Professor glared at him.

"And you said I had no funny bone" he said

"I've drawn up a plan of action, think of the calendar like a big rubix cube, not just a jigsaw puzzle, with seven different combinations based off the days of the week, all we have to do is find a way of reassembling it without setting off a ticking time bomb"

Colonel K's hologram suddenly lit up the lab.

"We've got a bigger problem DM, Princess' father has sent her another one of those calendars, only this one controls more than just the seven days, this one counts the twelve MONTHS. Princess apparently wants it to be her birthday, the Fourth of July, and Christmas every day"

"Somehow Colonel, I don't think her pets would stand for it, they practically begged me to stop her yesterday" aid DM.

"At the rate we're going, I think its best we take all of this one day at a time" said Squawkencluck.

"Yeah, you shouldn't be defined the next few days by all this, I don't think you're that type" said Penfold.

"What type?" asked the Professor.

"A calendar girl" said Penfold.

"See, now that WAS funny Penfold" said the Professor, smiling.

And so, we leave our working weekend warriors to their days, and months, ahead, eagerly awaiting another adventure when normal service resumes in time once again for Danger Mouse.

Until then, merry summer mass, and a happy new week.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:47 AM #35
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THE COST OF LIVING


"How bad is it?" Sqauwkencluck said, as she observed the massive gaping hole in the side of her house that Penfold and Danger Mouse had left when they had catapulted over to her side of the street during the matter of the 'great divide' that had befallen the Earth. The result of the insidious Baron Greenback again tampering with the very core of the planet.

"Well, there's been worse craters in my lifetime, but it's definitely too wide to seal up within a month, and you can't hope to stay here while the work's going on" said the repairman as his men measured up the size of the collapsed portions of the building.

"Just tell me how much it'll cost" the Professor said

"About 895" the repairman replied.

The Professor wanted to let her hair loose just so she could pull it out.

The frustrations nullified all the thoughts and feelings of gratitude she had at the notion Danger Mouse had gone to such pain-staking measures to ensure she would have a job after she had been released following her performance review.

She let those thoughts dwell on the short bus trip to work. Upon arrival however, she put those ideas aside to concentrate on slowly rebuilding her inventory that DM had exhausted in his efforts to stop the Baron at the expense of, well, the expensive, and costing the Professor her livelihood in the process.

When it came time for lunch break, she let the thoughts creep once more into her head, and made sure she had someone around to vent to.

"I can't afford to pay this and afford the rent at the same time" she confessed to Penfold in the canteen of the Danger Agency, silently staring at her steadily cooling bowl of numerical soup.

When she was younger, she often liked to take the numbers and arrange them into equation. Made a pigsty out of the dinner table, but it satisfied her eagerness to learn and deduce conclusions, conclusions that would lead her to developing the means to save countless lives.

Messy tables were a small price to pay for the cost of living.

"Look Professor, DM has rather unorthodox ways of trying to make up for a guilty conscience, but if he were to see you like this, he'd just feel bad all over again" Penfold said.

"Maybe I want him to feel bad more often, if it gets him to afford some time for the little things, I say it's worth a go"

"Yeah, but we're still trying to fit the planet back the right way, so any time the Chief tries to make a big deal out of a little thing, it leads to a bigger problem"

"True, this isn't the first time this week we've messed about with the planet" said the Professor, recalling the incident with the calendar.

"Yes, well, that was more my fault" Penfold replied.

"Well, my folks always said life was more about what you can hope to afford, rather than actually be ABLE to afford" the Professor lamented.

"If it helps Professor, I can possibly persuade some of the agencies finest to drum up some sort of funding for you, heck it was my motor that crashed into your house, I can give you the insurance I got from it"

"You'd do that for me? Oh my little Pen Pal, that'd be wonderful" said Squawkencluck, giving the dapper little assistant a peck on the cheek with her beak. Penfold recoiled as he felt a sharp nip.

"Sorry, you can probably tell from that why I'm not usually known for sentiment. One time I had a boyfriend that looked like a cheese grater after one too many hen nights with me"

"You've got good comedic timing Professor" complimented Penfold.

"Thanks, but I reckon your more timely given you know what to put in my piggy bank at precisely the right moment" the Professor replied.

"Think nothing of it Professor, so long as you live more comfortably by the end of it, you don't have to spend the next few months feeling too hard about the rest of us"

Squawkencluck raised a glass to Penfold.

"To the cost of living"
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:49 AM #36
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LIFE SUPPORT


Danger Mouse has triumphed once more, having saved our home dimension from the latest unwelcome intrusion from Baron Von Penfold of the Twisty verse.

"Excuse me Narrator, aren't you forgetting someone?" said some hamster I'm not talking to.

"Not talking to me? Is it because I called you hairy?"

And you messed up my equipment; I couldn't even play us out with DM's patented end credits fanfare. Do you know how frustrating it is to try and improvise over that?

"Well if you want an apology, you'll have to confer with my agent and schedule an appointment, I've got an acceptance speech for my 'best supporting Penfold' award scheduled in the midnight hours, where no one but my teddy bears will be up to hear it...and maybe a few thousand lonely souls on the nightshift who'd have to put up with my charming mug"

"Now now chaps, let's not taint the day with any breakdown in communication"

I suppose you're right Danger Mouse.

"Yeah, 'spose so. Sorry narrator"

Accepted Penfold.

"See? Now can we just get on with the cleanup operations?"

"What's to clean up?" asked Penfold.

"H.Q of course, Squawk left it in a wretched state while trying to kill me"

"Oh crumbs, we better check in on her then" said Penfold.

The two swiftly dashed back to their Mayfair Headquarters where Professor Squawkencluck was busy mopping up the heaps of debris, melting wall plaster, and shattered glass from every single level of the complex.

As soon as DM and Penfold entered, Squawkencluck handed them mops. The two put on gloomy expressions.

"Oh, look, you two look so precious caving in to utter despair, I must take a selfie" said the Professor, and took out her phone to snap a picture of the dismayed duo with her in the middle giving an approving thumbs up.

Penfold sighed.

"I guess its back to our regular bite of reality" he said.

"Oh cheer up you hampered hamster, I'm just messing with you" she said, elbowing him.

"Really? And you think assigning me a mopping up task is good humour?" said Penfold.

"Hey, you know how it is, just be thankful everyone saw you battle Baron Von Penfold otherwise you'd have been blamed for the hypnotic wave that took hold of the whole city, and you'd be spent clearing up all of those rotten tomatoes on the awards stage"

"I'd have been given permission to kick all those crummy critics out of the place?" said a gleeful Penfold. Squawkencluck face palmed hard.

"I meant actual Tomatoes you fruit bat" she said.

"Speaking of critics, I wonder what they made of my award winning performance?" asked Penfold

"Penfold, you should concentrate less on what the elitists think and care more about the opinions of those closest to you" Danger Mouse replied.

"Yeah, I ought to. Those critics would just be jealous of my talents, I mean, it's not like you would ever become resentful of my fame or anything Chief."

"Erm...well, I...erm..." said Danger Mouse, stuttering.

"Of course he wouldn't Penfold, he'd stick by your side in full support" Squawkencluck said.

"Erm...Narrator, you're as much a witness to...never mind, I shant say anything" said DM.

"I'm glad to hear of that Chief, and thanks for being so nice to me the last couple of days Professor, even if you were proud of things a version of me achieved" Penfold replied.

"I'm always proud of you Pen Pal, and even prouder that you coped with being a reality star so well. Most people would just cave in to it or develop a big ego. You remained you through it all, that's something to envy...isn't it Danger Mouse?"

"Now steady on their Professor, I already feel terrible enough as it is..."

"Terrible about what Chief?" said Penfold.

I think we'd best leave you three to clear the air as well as the base.

"Quite right narrator, I could do with a fanfare right about now"

Well, this is a fanfic, so we're just going to have to rely on the audience playing the end credit jingle in their heads.

"Aw, you're not sticking around for my acceptance speech?" Penfold asked

"Kids find speeches really boring Penfold" said DM.

"I'll give you a listen Penfold" said Squawkencluck.

Penfold grinned.

"I think everyone needs one of these" Penfold said, pointing to his award, and embracing the unconditional attention of his friends.

The best kind of support are those who support you for life.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:49 AM #37
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EYE OF THE NEEDLE



As our intrepid heroes make their way back to their Mayfair mailbox with the brave, bold, and addictively beautiful Danger Babies in tow, one heroic hamster (most of the time) tries to make sense of their most recent escapade.

Anything to keep his mind and nose off of the rather rank stench coming from the little cart the Mark III was pulling behind them, the one that wreaked of what this humblest of narrators deems "yellow peril".

Not that it'll be noticeable, the whole car is yellow.

"Cheif" Penfold said, putting a peg up to his nose, "This whole situation with the kittens really claws away at my noggin"

"How so Penfold?"

"Well, I'm just saying I should have seen this coming sooner. Just this week I'd read that Kitten Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint, tied up and kept in a cage while they all made off with her fortune. Katnye East went wild and then west to where she was after hearing about it, let down a whole swarm of fans who'd paid good money months in advance to come see him in concert. The result was a massive wave of publicity and genuine sympathy coming from all corners of socially inept media"

"So you figure that the incident, just because it involved cats, was some kind of premeditated publicity stunt?" said Danger Mouse, reaching into a compartment next to him and producing a peice of headwear made of tin foil.

"Here, put this on" he said.

Penfold knew what the headwear signified.

"Are you mocking me Chief?"

"No, not at all Penfold, if you look at the label, you'll see this hat was presented to me as a gift from other members of the Danger Agency after I published a theory of mine that Baron Greenback had been using specially camouflaged frogs head flyers as commercial jets"

"Was your theory proven right Chief?" asked Penfold.

"If it were, I wouldn't have been given that hat. The jury's still out on that though, every time I see a commercial plane fly over me, a part of me still insists it's going to reveal its true form"

"Then you look at the hat and you're reminded of being mocked for your belief, so you mock yourself" said Penfold.

"A reality slap Penfold, sometimes a plane is just a plane, and sometimes a coincidence, in the form of a richly deserved mugging of a high-and-formerly-mighty celebrity, is just a coincidence. We shouldn't always be looking for needles in the haystack"

"M'Kay" said Penfold.

"Where'd you learn that?" said Danger Mouse.

"What?" Penfold asked.

"M K? When you'd learn that?"

"Isn't that the initials of a 1990s video game?" said Penfold.

DM sighed. He didn't need Penfold learning of anything else that could add to his growing paranoia.

Penfold yawned and stretched his arms

"Crumbs chief, I'm ultra tired" said Penfold.

DM's exposed eye twitched, he very slowly grabbed the tin foil hat and placed it on his own head.

"Ultra. Heh. MK Ultra. Boy I feel tired, over thinking always takes a lot out of you in regards to this sort of thing"

"DM? Anything the matter?" Penfold asked

"Nothing, nothing at all Penfold, why don't you put the radio on? There's a good chap" said Danger Mouse.

As the radio played, a top rap group suddenly came on with a cut off their new album, a single entitled "Kittenluminati"

"Ah yes, the rap community, they know what's going on don't they Chief? You know, going back to what you said about needles in haystacks, sometimes I wonder if these societies actually let their agendas be known to the general public through industries like music, knowing those uttering the truth or ensnared in the clutches of the fame monster, won't be really believed, that it's another form of controlling the eye of the needle in those haystacks, control both their agents and the masses. Makes you want to think, but does it make you want to fight?"

The traffic lights turned green, the car sped down the highway, eager to make it back to the base and before Penfold could finish. At no point in the dash to the finish line did his tinfoil hat flinch.

"And we're the Danger Agency aren't we chief? We're a secretive sort of organization, and it turned out the Danger Babies were the subject of the prophecy, the children of tomorrow, the cute, the innocent, and trying to protect them from the perils of the big bold world out there forces us to do the most desperate of things until they're older and ready to do the same thing to the generation after them. It's a cycle never-ending"

"A cycle...that's just it. We'll get you a cycle. A unicycle, and you can ride along on that in circles, crop circles at that, all day long" DM said, beginning to cackle hysterically.

"Cheif, I think that tin foil is proving a perfect foil for you so far, I think we need to put these theories to bed"

"Put me to bed...good idea Penfold, good night" DM said, and dozed off at the wheel.

Penfold gently lifted the hat off of DM and tossed it over to the cart the car was carrying. Danger Ellie took up the reins of the headwear and took control of the wheel, bringing the car safely into headquarters.

"Now I'm a toother" she said.

Bless her heart, she meant to say truther.

"I hope you can handle that headpiece and what it brings with it Ellie" said Penfold, "An Elephant tends to 'NVAR 4GET"

Oh good grief, Penfold, did you really have to use 'net speak there?

"Sorry Narrator, I comb these kind of forums a lot...though with the way DM's let the toll of the tin foil get to him, maybe it's best I try not to emulate that any further"

Could you leave the rap music playing? It's growing on me.

"I don't think so Narrator"

Fine then, I'll get it off Spotify.

"Paying for a group that talks smack about the system only serves the system" said Penfold.

Oh but they sound so cute.

"And that right there, proves my original point. Shake the system, don't slave over it"

Well played Penfold. A little bit of truth sets us all free.

So dear reader, I ask you this

Are you laying comfortably in the hay?

Or are you, like poor old DM, poked by the needle?

Be careful, be safe, but above all else, stay unplugged.

Otherwise you may experience a shock from the system.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:50 AM #38
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LOST LUGGAGE


Penfold felt like a folded up accordion as his body was pried off of the chair in Col. K's office, after he had once more been sat on by the Elephant Felicity.

Another dark time for our heroic hamster, another incident that will linger long in the memory.

It didn't seem fair, given only mere hours ago he had successfully relieved all of London from Baron Greenback's elephant flu outbreak, having developed immunity to the virus through his previous stint tightly pressed against Felicity's buttocks.

Now after building himself back up to heroic status, he found his social standing had taken a humiliating step back again, as he recalled the howls of laughter from inside the office before he was retrieved, and those same laughs followed him through the halls of the Danger Agency as the remaining agents caught wind of what had happened.

They say elephants never forget, and everyone in London had been an elephant at some point or another, so the quality of their cerebral fortitude would be considerably higher now.

And they would all remember the second coming of the dark time. Penfold was at a loss at how to feel about that.

He wanted to cast his mind back to happier times, when he was working on that barge as a child, or when he was with the circus, or when he was with his parents staring out at the city he would have a hand in saving.

He cast his mind back to those happier times, and struggled to wonder how things could go so wrong when he intended to do so much right.

As he entered Squawkencluck's lab, he found she was in the final stages of reverting back to her normal self, having also been infected with the Elephant flu

"Oh Penfold, there you are, I heard you were sat under Felicity again, so I called you back to run a comparison between the time you spent under her this time and the time you spent under her in the first forty-eight hour period" she said.

"What do you hope to get out of it?" Penfold said.

"Nothing, I just wanted an excuse to talk to you" said Squawk.

"Oh, so you can have a jolly old chortle at my troubles under the trunk like everyone else is?" Penfold said in a huff.

"Well, slightly, but no, Danger Mouse told me about that story you gave about being abandoned by your parents...and how you seemed to be ok with it."

"They accidently left me on the road, there was no intention of leaving me alone" said Penfold, "They were just in a hurry to get to the airport that day..."

"...And they happened to lose their luggage" noted a sarcastic Squawk, walking up to Penfold and clutching his hand

"It's ok Penfold, you can let it out, you saved the whole city, people won't forget that, true what happened to you at the end of the day is an amusing little epilogue, but they won't forget the rest of the story, this incident WILL slip from their minds...but what you've carried with you since childhood? That hasn't left a mark and I feel it ought to" Squawk continued.

"Why? It just gives me a reason to surprise them when they see me again...they'd be so happy to see how far I've come" Penfold replied.

"You really buy that? You really think you'll see them again?" said Squawk, unsure if she wanted to make Penfold confront the truth she knew he was psychologically repressing.

"I'm hoping our reunion is the same as when I left them, come to think of it, the same as my conception too, at least from what they often told me..." Penfold said.

"Don't say it" requested Squawk, knowing he was going to say 'accident'.

"Why?" asked Penfold.

"Because I'd rather be proud of everything you've done deliberately since that day" Squawk said, and gave him a hug.

Penfold walked out of the lab feeling a bit better about himself. He didn't know what had just transpired between him and the Professor, all he knew is he appreciated her curiosity.

He reckoned that, on the day he met his folks again, they would learn all about his friends and how much they meant to him.

Accidents happen.

And whenever they did, what to many would seem like a discarded piece of luggage usually never felt so lost.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:50 AM #39
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A WRENCH FOR PEANUTS


Duckula sat alone in his cell, eager to scratch his beak. Unfortunately for him, he was clad in special irons, ones which covered all of his fingers. Nobody trusted the Duck with his hands, especially when he was allowed near a laptop. Or worse, when he was allowed near a bag of peanuts with which he could persuade our writer's room into weaving together any sort of wicked world he could come up with.

"Prisoner D.T, you got a visitor" said the guard on the opposite end of the cell, unlocking the door to pave the way for the unexpected guest.

As soon as Duckula locked eyes on the visitor, he wished he could spit some saliva into his free hands and use it to slick his hair straight back so he'd look more attractive.

Of all the millions in the world he had been hoping to impress with his latest reality-bending stunt, this one in a million wonder was the reason he got up that faithful morning. And boy did she look ravishing when she was angry.

"I am in no mood for a meet-and-greet" said a cold and crass Jeopardy Mouse, pushing a script in front of the count's face.

"I want to know why you wrote this in" she said, pointing to a series of words and actions that were a little too gross, and a little intense, for prime time CBBC viewing.

"You are aware this show is available on Netflix right?" said Duckula to me, your humble narrator.

Yes, I'm aware it is, but it's still an all-ages show, there's no room for any exclusive shows that bypass that rule.

"A straight answer Duck...do you know it is a class F offense to try and bend a government operative's will to your own?" Jeopardy snapped back.

"I bet you know a lot of things beginning with F Ms. Mouse...frisky, feminist, fabulous, it's how you maintain your public image, do tell me which one of those goes with the letter in that particular offense?" said Duckula.

"Oh you can read me like a book can you?" said Jeopardy, her anger building.

"I read everyone from cover to cover while my monkey minions were rewriting reality to my liking, I there's nothing about a lot of them that surprises me...but your story is what really fascinates me. You're wasted on this show and its leads, you deserve your own spin-off" Duckula said.

"Oh no, you can't buy me that easily...I mean, you can't buy me at all" said Jeopardy, quickly correcting herself.

"Ah, so you CAN be bought, most interesting. Obviously I can't pay up while I'm in here, so why don't you buy me the one thing I can't presently afford...my freedom" Duckula said, his eyes gazing hypnotically into Jeopardy's own, circular imagery swirled in and around his pupils.

Resist it Jeopardy, think of the lives you'll disrupt if you set the count loose. I may never narrate anything semi-coherent about this nonsensical show again. And worse, what if the authors on those fanatic fan fiction sites decides to start writing, I dare shudder, stories about the two of you?

"Keep out of this you naive narrative nitwit" said Duckula, the utter cheek of him!

Just as well I'm here to remind him of that itch he's yet to find a cure for, as it hastens its irritable impact on his body.

"Rats trapped in cheddar, I can't concentrate with how itchy I am" snapped Duckula.

"Something the matter Count?" said Jeopardy as she seized the opportunity provided by the distraction to shake herself free of the count's transfixing gaze.

"Oh nothing a little scratch won't cure, but I'm helpless in that area as you can see" said Duckula, raising his shackled hands to the agent's face.

"That's something you can't escape" she said.

"Yes, it'd help if you could unshackle me, then we can proceed with the risky business of setting up a spin-off for just the two of us" said Duckula.

"Well, you DID save my life from the Baron, in less time and effort than it ever takes Danger Mouse..." she said, her hand reaching out to his beak. As she scratched it, Duckula breathed in a sigh of sheer ecstasy.

"You know, I used to have a Nanny for these sorts of things" he confessed.

"I read up on your file...her arm was in a sling...you have anything to do with that?" asked Jeopardy.

"Please, I like to think of myself as a social justice worrier...I mean warrior. I'm all about women looking strong and sturdy. If anything, my Nanny showed that even with a disability, she could hang with the best and worst of me and my lot"

"So what happened to her?" Jeopardy asked.

"I'm not sure, all I can remember from the last time I saw her was 'The Butler did it'" he said.

"You feeling better?" asked Jeopardy as she continued to scratch the beak.

"I'm free of the itch, yep" said Duckula.

"Then our time is up" Jeopardy said, turning to walk away.

"Where are you going? I gave you the promise of the world, and here you are with an empty one" said a perturbed Duckula.

"Forget it Duck, I just gave you what you wanted, a cure for the itch, and the only sort of personal freedom you'll ever be guaranteed when you're serving time" she said.

As our admirable American agent walked out of the cell door, Duckula sat down on the edge of his cell bed and lowered his head, the sting of humiliation washing over him.

Still, he couldn't help but realise Jeopardy had gotten incredibly calm around him.

In fact, when she steadily realised he had been manipulating her speech after he 'rescued' her earlier, she was only mildly annoyed, only getting angry long after the show had ended.

Perhaps she WAS grateful that he had stepped in to rescue her, and she just didn't want to show affection for a felon in front of her superiors, and to maintain her image.

Maybe this interpretation of these events was all in his head.

If it was, he applauded whatever had written it in.

Perhaps there's one monkey out there who didn't mind supplying this show with a bit of a wrench in exchange for peanuts.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 05:51 AM #40
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A BETTER MOUSETRAP

(contains spoilers for "Mouse Fall")


Penfold did not want to check the clock. He did not want to even check his watch.

For him, time had to stand absolutely still.

He couldn't let it keep ticking away, knowing that eventually the window of opportunity it provided would close. For time can prove an exhausting process.

It can wear people out, change their moods, and convince them to move forward, accept the passing of the present as nothing but a bygone age.

He could not bear to take the moment they were presently living in for granted.

The twilight hours of Danger Mouse.

He heard a buzzing sound emit from the door, collecting himself, he managed, through his grave and shaken voice, to manage a simple "enter"

The door opened and Professor Squawkencluck entered the room, holding a flask of warm tea and two empty cups.

"You left this back at Crumhorn's building, figured you could do with a cup" she said, placing the flask on the table and sitting down.

Her hand patted the fabric of the couch, urging Penfold to sit down.

Penfold hesitated, but eventually complied with the Professor's silent request. The Professor poured Pefold a portion of the warm tea and also poured herself some.

Through it all, she kept a wry gentle. Penfold could, however, sense there was some measure of hurt behind the sincerity.

"You miss him too huh?" he said.

"I was just thinking back to this afternoon, before the villains attacked headquarters" said the Professor, taking a small sip of her tea.

"When you showed us that teleporter?" asked Penfold.

"He was quick to criticise me for it, when I brought up that the teleportation couldn't supply you with clothes or memory" she said, "Strangely, I didn't get mad at him for it like I normally do. It's almost as if I knew, somehow that if I lost my temper with him that day, I may never have the chance to make it up to him"

"Maybe you just had too much pride in your product" Penfold replied.

"I'm sure there's a detail or two I'm deliberately leaving out you know...I'm missing a trick somewhere" she said, taking her glasses off to give them a good rub with a small handkerchief she kept in her lab-coat pocket.

Penfold took a sip of his own, but realised he wasn't that keen on the tea. It was reminding him of the battle they had, the battle that had brought the chief to the point of exhaustion. It was a reminder of him offering his friend help at a point where he sorely needed it, only for DM's pride to get in the way.

"Pride in your product...that's what DM had too. The product of his years of training and battles with his ego" he confessed.

"Maybe ego is what we all have to keep in check, not just leave it at the door, but firmly close that door shut, separate our pride from our professionalism, maybe we'd have a better danger agency, maybe then there would be no chance of a better Mouse Trap" The Professor added, putting her glasses back on.

Penfold saw a small tear run down the Professor's cheek, he reached out for her hand, stroking her fingers nimbly with his own.

"There's still a few more hours to go before they call off the search, do you want to stay here with me until it

The Professor clutched his hand and held it tight, she reached deep inside herself and toughened up slightly, putting on a brave front.

"Sorry Penfold, I've got to get back to the lab and analyse the I-Patch DM left behind when he vanished, I'm sure there's something I'm not catching on to about this whole situation"

"That's OK, find out what sort of trick you're missing, I'll stay here and maintain the illusion"

The Professor smiled and kissed Penfold delicately on the cheek.

"I know what you mean Penfold, but don't think of hope as an illusion ok?" she said, before swiftly departing.

Penfold stared out at the window of the Mayfair headquarters, looking on with wonder at the brightly lit stars.

The beauty of the reality before him gave him no room for doubt. There was a sense of magic in the air.

And he knew somehow, like all great illusions, the trick would reveal itself.

And Danger Mouse, the world's greatest secret agent would emerge all the better from the better mousetrap

Last edited by Cameron Samurai; April 4th, 2019 at 08:36 AM.
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