Morph Wars Episode II: Attack of the Stuff

[MegaZeo]

MORPH WARS

Episode II

ATTACK OF THE STUFF

Shit is going down in the Galactic Mall. Several thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to start buying their clothes elsewhere.

This movement, under the leadership of the mysterious Master Vile, has made it neccessary for the Power Rangers to get off their asses and actually do stuff.

Manager Acrobatica, the hot former Queen of Angel Grove, is returning to the Galactic Mall to vote on the critical issue of getting fifty percent off on pink dresses. Oh, and also to create an ARMY OF THE MALL to help the lazy-ass Power Rangers...

* * * * *

Eltar.

It's the planet where a lot of stuff gets decided because people are too lazy to go elsewhere. So that's why the central government of the Mall resides there, and that's why the Power Rangers set up their Command Center right at the heart of the world.

It's probably why Manager Acrobatica's Dino Thunder Pterodactyl ship was also spinning wildly out of control as it made its approach to the planet. Seriously, who was flying that thing to begin with?!

"Ehahahahahah!"

Oh, Captain Skullovitch, nevermind.

Nervousness aside, the good ole captain was able to right the ship's trajectory before it burned up in the atmosphere... that goddamned idiot...

* * * * *

As the ship rocked back and forth as it flew, its crew attempted to do something humane... like walking around...

Such was the case of a poor Grovian bastar... er, Lieutenant, named Curtis. He found "Manager" Acrobatica in the ship's main lounging area. An episode Oprah Winfrey 3000 was on, but the TV really couldn't be seen that well since it was sitting upside down.

Again, no thanks to the ship's captain.

"Manager! We're making our final approach into Eltar!" Curtis called out.

"Manager" Acrobatica quickly nodded while clinging to her couch for dear life.

"Very good, Lieutenant! I just hope nothing reaaaaally bad happens to us when we land!" the Manager stated.

Within moments, the Pterodactyl, as well as the two Firebird fighters accompanying it, approached the landing pad. Quite gracefully, the trio of craft touched down. The pilot of the first Firebird got out first, as did its droid co-pilot, Circuit. The blue robot owl fluttered down to the ground and stoof next to the pilot.

The pilot from the second Firebird approached the first. Removing his helmet, his identity was shown to be a young black man with dreadlocks. He was Captain Jacko, who had taken over as Acrobatica's head of security when Captain Damon had enough of "This crap" and retired.

A ramp lowered out of the bottom of the Pterodactyl, and the two pilots watched as Manager Acrobatica and several bodyguards emerged and began walking down the ramp to the landing pad.

"Well, that went rather well," said Captain Jacko smugly. "I can't see what could possibly go wro---"

KABOOM

The entire front half of the Pterodactyl exploded into a huge ball of flame. Captain Jacko, the second pilot, and Circuit were sent flying backwards. Since he's not a main character, Jacko's droid was viciously incinerated. Sorry, pal, them's the breaks.

By the time Jacko, Circuit, and the other pilot recovered, everyone that had been on the Pterodactyl's landing pad was lying on the ground...burning to death, or burnt. Blackened. Smoldering. Extra crispy... okay, you get the idea.

The second pilot was the first to reach the victims. They threw off their helmet, revealing themselves to be... SURPRISE! It was really Kimbermé! The person impersonating the queen was actually her loyal, and now posthumously, servant, Dana.

Before Kimbermé could ask the unnecessary question regarding her handmaiden's health, the first thought that went through her mind was:

Whew! I knew it was totally a good day to switch roles!

Oh, right, back to the story!

"Dana!" Kimbermé cried out. "Are you okay?"

"M'lady, I'm so sorry," Dana choked. "I failed you, Manager!"

Kimbermé tilted her head to the side, considering that line of thought. "Hmm... no, I'd say you did your job pretty well. Taking one for the team is what the job of a handmaiden is all about! Good work, you deserve a raise!"

And what was Dana's reply to that?

"Hurgh... blah!"

She keeled over, that was her reply.

Kimbermé stood up, staring at the body of her now-dead handmaiden. The gravity of what just happened suddenly sank in.

"I should not have come back," she said, for some reason sounding exactly like James Earl Jones. She cleared her throat.

"MANAGER ACROBATICA!" Captain Jacko shouted. "We must hurry, this vote is very important, MANAGER ACROBATICA! You did your duty, Dana did hers. MANAGER ACROBATICA, please."

Kimbermé glared at him. "You calling me by my real name and kinda defeats the point of a body double."

Captain Jacko suddenly began glaring at the floor. "Oh yeah, huh..."

Huffing in annoyance, Kimbermé marched off. Jack and Circuit followed closely.

A large group of rats came and carried Dana's body away.

* * * * *

At Supreme Owner Kaplantine's office, situations of grave importance were being discussed between him and the Power Rangers. T.J., Lerigot, Ninjor, and two other miscellaneous Rangers made up the bulk (hehe, Bulk) of participants.

"I don't know how long I can keep cutting back prices, my friends," Kaplantine explained. "More and more star systems are buying clothes from the Separatists."

"If they do give people the hook-up...!" T.J. stated in a concerned voice.

"I will not let this Mall, which has been opened 24/7 for the past 1,000 years be split in two. My low prices will not fail," Kaplantine said with confidence.

"If they do, beyotch, you must realize there are not enough Power Rangers to protect the Mall from getting robbed," T.J. fired back. "We're keepers of the mad stylz, not meat for the grinder."

"Master Lerigot," Kaplantine addressed, turning to the diminutive Power Ranger. "Do you really think it will come to war? Because I really hope it does... n't."

"Uhh..." Lerigot droned before closing his eyes. "The Dark Side clouds everything, with a slight chance of rain. Impossible to see, the future is. Hell, even remember what I had for lunch yesterday, I cannot."

Suddenly, the hologram projector on Kaplantine's desk activated. An alien being appeared.

"Yo hama jimmie jama mooska habita woo," the alien said.

Everyone in the room glared at the hologram.

"...HUH?"

"Wait, wait," Kaplantine said. "Lemme turn on the subtitles." Kaplantine pressed a button, and the alien spoke again.

"The Loyalist Committee has arrived, Your Honor."

"Oh!" Kaplantine cried. "Okay, yeah, good. Send them in."

Kaplantine began to rise from his chair. "We'll discuss this matter later."

Lerigot stood up, while T.J. rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

In the back of the room, the door opened, and Kimbermé and her possé entered.

"Manager Acrobatica," Lerigot purred. "Your tragedy on the landing platform... terrible. Seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my... uh... heart," the Power Ranger Master stumbled, catching himself before he said something rather embarassing.

"Do you have any idea who's behind this attack?" she asked him.

"Uhh... crap," Lerigot gulped. "Hard to see, the Dark Side is?"

"Our intelligence tells us," T.J. said as he stood, bailing his fellow Ranger out. "That it could be disgruntled dress dealers from Angel Grove."

Kimbermé turned to T.J. "I'm pretty sure Master Vile is behind it."

T.J., Lerigot, and Ninjor began laughing hysterically.

"Please," Ninjor laughed. "He's an Evil Space Alien, not a murderer. Er, wait..."

"You know, M'lady," T.J. said. "Master Vile was once a Power Ranger. He couldn't kill anyone. It's not within his character."

"And why isn't he in the Power Ranger Order anymore, again?" she asked.

"We had to throw him out 'cause he kept killing people," T.J. said.

Kimbermé stared at him again, her mouth open but no words able to come out.

"But, for certain, Manager, in grave danger, your ass is!" Lerigot added.

"And a fine ass it is," Ninjor whispered to T.J., who agreed whole heartedly.

Before any other dirty or perverted whisperings could be uttered, Kaplantine cut in.

"Master Rangers, might I suggest, the Manager's ass... err, her life be put under the protection of your graces?"

"You really think that's a wise decision in these stressful times?" one of the other managers, Ernie Rabeciuj (he'll have a bigger part to play in Episode III), asked. "By the way, is anybody thirsty?"

"Supreme Owner, if I may comment?" Kimbermé tried to ask.

"No, because I'll just finish your sentence before you do, Manager," Kaplatine cut her off. "Yes, the situation is that hilarious...er, serious!"

Everyone in the room stared at Kaplantine in a pecuilar manner, but the Supreme Owner played it cool like he always did, by pointing to the evil monkey sitting outside of his window.

"I realize all too well how additional security might be disruptive of your obsession with hentai... but perhaps someone could guard you that you're familiar with?" Kaplatine suggested. "An old friend, like Master Jason Lee Kenobi?"

Now everyone was nodding in agreement.

"Yeah, bitches, that's possible," T.J. replied. "He just returned from a comic convention at San Diego."

Kimbermé shrugged in agreement, but wasn't still completely sold on the idea.

"Do it for me, m'lady please. The thought of losing someone as fine as you..." Kaplantine paused to sniffle. "Is unbearable!"

"I will have Jason report to you immediately, M'lady," T.J. said, nodding his head.

"Thank you Master T.J.," Kimbermé said.

She paused.

"Oh no," she groaned. "Oh God."

"Something wrong, Manager?" Lerigot asked.

"If Jason's gonna be coming here, does that mean he's bringing---"

* * * * *

"You seem a little on edge."

"KIMBERMÉ!"

"Why me..."

Jason Lee Kenobi and his apprentice, Tommykan Skydragon, were in the elevator leading to Kimbermé's suite.

"I haven't felt you this tense since I caught you trying to pirate that X-rated holo-channel," Jason commented.

"I told you that was a mistake," Tommykan insisted. "I thought it was the Discovery Channel."

"Oh, right," Jason grinned, laughing. After a moment, he looked at Tommykan. "You're sweating? Calm down! Take a deep breath."

Jason heard Tommykan inhale as he turned around and looked at the magnificent view outside the elevator. He admired the view for a few minutes before he asked "Sure is nice, isn't it?"

No response came.

"...Tommy?"

Jason turned to see his padawan's face was bright blue.

"Tommy!" Jason gasped. "RELEASE the breath!"

With a cough, Tommykan did just that. "Right, sorry..."

"I know it's been a while since you've seen Kimbermé," Jason said. "But do try to retain your higher brain functions, alright?"

"Right, Master..."

As soon as the elevator doors opened, Tommykan blew past his master and Rito, who was now Kimbermé's representantive.

"WHERE'S KIMBERMÉ?!" Tommykan screamed.

He looked high and low, but could not find any trace of his one true love. He looked in her bedroom, in her bathroom, in her kitchen, in the shute leading to the trash compactor, but nothing!

Meanwhile, Rito and Jason were reacquainting themselves with one another.

"So good to seeya again, Jason!" Rito joyfully said.

"Heh, yeah, it's been a while hasn't it?" Jason asked.

Rito paused and looked around. "Where's Ed?"

It only took Jason a second to realize who Rito was talking about.

"He's dead, remember?" Jason asked through clenched teeth. "Killed by the Evil Space Alien? Does that ring a bell?"

Rito stroked his boney chin in a thoughtful manner. "Hm, nope, can't remember! Oh well, from now on, you're Ed!"

"Screw that!" Jason yelled. "Last time you gave someone that name, they ended up dying!"

"Aw, come on, New Ed, we'll be great buddies!" Rito reasoned. "Just like me and the Old Ed used to be!"

Jason was very, very tempted to cleave Rito in half with his Powersaber. But he then remembered that the Troobian could just reform, which would rob Jason of any joy that could come from trying to kill him...

But Rito then ran off to fetch Kimbermé before Jason could take any further action.

"Hey, Manager Kimbermé! Lookie here, it's the Power Rangers!" Rito called out in a voice that echoed, everywhere.

Kimbermé, Jacko, and her replacement handmaiden Vida then walked in from the apartment's balcony. Kimbermé put on her bravest face, which was just a cute snarl, and approached Jason cautiously.

Jason greeted Kimbermé with a curt bow. "It's a great pleasure to let my eyes oggle you again, M'lady."

Kimbermé rolled her eyes. "It hasn't been long enough, Master Jason."

"KIMBERMÉ!?" Tommykan screamed.

The young Power Ranger peaked his head from around a corner.

"That's obviously Tommy," Kimbermé half sighed, half chuckled. "Well, well, Tommy. You've gotten bigger."

"So have you," Tommykan said. "In the ches--brea--boo--ti--dirty pi--fun ba--GAH!!"

His face now a bright red, Tommykan quickly backed away and covered his face with his hands.

"Smooth one, Tommy!" Rito cheered.

"Oh, shut up!" Tommykan snapped.

"Our presence here will be invisible, M'lady," Jason said. "I can asure you." Realizing what he just said, he added, "Well, mine will be, at least."

"I am Captain Jacko of her Majesty's security service," Jacko explained. "Queen Katherine has been informed of your assignment. I am grateful you are here, Master Kenobi. It takes a load off my shoulders. Plus, I don't feel like being around when things start exploding..."

"I don't need more security, dammit," Kimbermé huffed. "I need answers! I need to know who's trying to kill me."

"We're here to protect---" Jason started, but was interrupted.

"Wait, someone's trying to kill you?" Rito spoke up. "Nobody told me that! God, always leave the Troobian out. What's up with that?"

"Anyway, we're here to protect you, Manager, not start an investigation," Jason said.

"Of course not, that might screw up the plot of Episode III," Tommykan mumbled under his breath.

"What was that, padawan?" Jason asked.

"I said maybe trying to figure out who's trying to kill Kimbermé might not be such a bad idea?" Tommykan said. "I mean, hell, what could protect her better than getting rid of who's trying to harm her?"

"Now listen here, you little perv," Jason growled. "This is a spoof of a very precise saga. Despite the fact that we are here to provide laughs and humor, we still must follow that saga's plot. We will not exceed our knowledge of said plot and do anything that might change its outcome, no matter how beneficial it may be. Do you understand me?"

"Yeah, but---"

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

"...yes master..."

"Good."

It was then that Jason noticed Rito swinging a knife around.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jason asked.

"Trying to cut the tension," Rito replied.

"Well, since you guys are gonna sit on your asses," Kimbermé started. "I'm gonna go to bed... and HOPE that no one tries to kill me in my sleep."

And so, Kimbermé, Vida, Jacko, and Rito all rose from their seats and watched Kimbermé walk away... well, some stared for obvious reasons, but anyway...

"I know I'll feel better having you here," Jacko said, "Since I'm kind of a wuss, ya know? I'll have an officer stationed on every floor and I'll be in the control center downstairs, downloading hentai. You're welcome to join me."

Jason nodded... whether it was in acknowledgement or in agreement of what Jacko said, we'll never know.

"Mesa bustin with happiness, seein youse again, Tommy!" Rito proclaimed.

"Okay, first of all," Tommykan started. "If you keep talking like that, you're gonna get even less screentime than you already have in Episode III!"

That shut Rito up real good.

"But..." Tommykan said with a sigh. "She hardly even recognized me, man. I've thought about her everyday since we parted... daydreaming, fantasizing... wet dreams..."

"IS THERE A POINT TO ANY OF THIS?!" Rito asked in a rare expression of anger.

"She's forgotten me completely!" Tommykan said with a sniffle.

"She's a horny. Hornier than mesa seen her in a longo time!" Rito said with a shrug.

That made Tommykan perk up...

Yes, now get that sick thought out of your head and keep reading!

"Stop being such a friggin' pessimist, Tommykan, and be mindful of your thoughts," Jason said. "And your... well, yeah. Anyway, she was pleased to see us. Now then, let's go check the security."

And then, like something out of a Three Stooges short, Jason, Tommykan, and Rito left the room in three completely different directions.

* * * * *

Night had fallen on Eltar, which means evil bastards prowled the sides of buildings while no one was looking.

Such was the case with Scorpina, a hot half human/half scorpion crossbreed who walked along side a strangely even level perch of a kilometer high building that advertised... Cogs, of all things.

A dark form (haha, pun intended, just wait and see) greeted Scorpina in the shadows, ready and waiting to hear her report.

"I hit the ship, but it was obvious that they used a decoy since the bodyguard was yelling out the name of the Manager for everyone within a 100 mile radius to hear," Scorpina explain in a flustered voice.

"We'll have to try something a bit funnier than blowing them up, Scorpina", the voice called back. "My client is being a bitch, so take these."

The dark form handed Scorpina a small tube that continued two fluttering bugs that resembled winged scorpions.

"Be careful," the voice warned. "They're very poisonous."

She nodded and turned to leave.

"Scorpina, there can be no mistakes this time... otherwise I might have to do something horrible to ya," the voice said.

Scorpina rolled her eyes and went about her way. In her mind, the chances of her failing was 1 in a million, with no chance of her life ending this night...

* * * * *

Jason entered the main area of Kimbermé's suite, regrouping with Tommykan.

"Captain Jacko has plenty of men downstairs," Jason said, removing his robe and dropping it on a nearby chair. "Any activity up here?"

"Quiet as a tomb," was Tommykan's reply.

"...A tomb?" Jason asked. "You had to say 'tomb'?"

"Okay, sorry," Tommykan said. "It's quiet. Dead quiet."

"...Nevermind," Jason groaned.

"I don't like just waiting here for something to happen to her," Tommykan said.

"Yeah, well, anything else would involve us doing something," Jason grumbled. Suddenly, a device in Jason's hand beeped. "What the...?"

"She covered the cameras," Tommykan said. "I don't think she liked me watching her as I---"

"DUDE!" Jason interrupted.

"Sorry, Master."

"And besides, what's she thinking?"

"Don't worry, she programmed Circuit to warn us if there is an intruder."

"There are many other ways to kill a manager. For example, there's blasters, Powersabers, swords, poison gas, rocks, broken bottles, pointy sticks..."

"I get the point, Master! But anyway, we want to catch this assassin, don't we?"

"...you're using her as bait?"

"It was her idea."

"I bet it was. I doubt you'd want to risk anything happening to your precious..." Jason took a moment to snicker. "Angel."

Tommykan blushed. "Aw, shut up!"

As Jason chuckled, Tommykan added "Don't worry, Master, no harm will come to her. I can sense everything that's going on in that room."

Suddenly, Tommykan's head shot up. "Do you sense that?" In a flash, he bolted towards the bedroom door.

"I sense nothing," Jason said, confused. "Tommykan!"

But Tommykan was already in the bedroom. Jason began to make his way towards the door. He started moving faster when he heard Kimbermé's scream pierce the quiet of the suite. Just as he arrived at the door and reached for his Powersaber, Tommykan burst out of the room, a giant grin on his face.

"What happened?" Jason asked worriedly.

"Hehehe," Tommykan giggled. "I saw boobies..."

* * * * *

Elsewhere, Scorpina eyed the tube of Barillian Bugs as a hovering droid approached her. Scorpina grinned evilly as she inserted the tube into the droid's slot - shut up. The tube firmly inserted - shut up! - the droid flew off.

* * * * *

Back at Kimbermé's place, Jason and Tommykan raided her fridge, and found some tasty treats to their liking.

"You look tired," Jason stated in between bites of his ice cream.

Tommykan swallowed a piece of fudge cake and said, "It's kinda hard to rest while downloading por..."

"I thought it was because of your mother!?" Jason yelled.

"Oh," Tommykan replied. "Yeah, that too. Don't know why I keep dreaming about her."

Jason shivered in disgust. "From what Zordon told me, I hope those dreams pass in time."

Tommykan glared at his Master, but then grinned. "I'd much rather dream about Kimbermé. Just being around her again is like being on acid..."

Jason slapped his forehead. "Be mindful of your thoughts, Tommykan, they betray your perverted mind. You have made a commitment to the Power Ranger Order, a commitment not easily broken... unless your property rights are sold to Disney."

Tommykan raised a confused eyebrow. "The hell?"

Jason waved a dismissive hand. "Nevermind. Anyway, don't forget, she's a Manager, and they're not to be trusted."

"She's not like the others in the Mall, master," Tommykan defended. "She's hot."

"Quite so," Jason continued. "But it is my experience that managers care for nothing more than pleasing those who fund their campaigns and---"

"I gotta find a way to fund her campaign," Tommykan thought out loud.

Jason smacked his forehead again.

As the two Power Rangers talked, Scorpina's droid, its slot filled with tube - shut up, dammit! - hovered up to Kimbermé's window. Using tiny lasers, the droid sliced a hole in the window and shot the tube right through... the hole. Goddammit, I give up.

The tube shot through the air and struck the sleeping Circuit in the face. The impact opened the tube as well as knocked the robot owl onto its back. Before the droid could get back to its talons and start scanning the room again, the Barillian Bugs took to the shadows.

By the time Circuit had fully booted up, the bugs were completely out of sight, making them undetectable...

Which is stupid, seeing as how Circuit can detect life forms coming from miles away... but for the sake of the story's plot, let's just say he couldn't detect them.

Seeing as such, Circuit went back into stand-by mode. The second he did, the bugs crawled from out of their hiding places and towards Kimbermé's sleeping form. Her soft, delicate, vulnrable... uh, ahem, excuse me...

Back outside in the lounge area, Tommykan and Jason continued to argue about Kimbermé's merits in the Store.

"And besides, you're generalizing," Tommykan went on to say.

"Do you even know what that word means?" Jason interjected.

Tommykan shrugged. "Nah, not really, man. I just wanted to use it to make me sound more mature 'n' stuff."

Jason half laughed because that sounded so ignorant. But then he sighed because he remembered that Tommykan was HIS apprentice.

"Anyway," Tommykan continued. "The Supreme Owner doesn't look corrupt to me."

"Kaplantine is a politician!" Jason fired back. "I have observed that he is very clever at getting hook ups that shouldn't be legal!"

Hey guys... evil poisonous bugs are about to kill the hottest woman in the galaxy, ya wanna wrap this argument up?

"I think he's a cool dude," Tommykan said. "My..."

"What is it this time?" Jason droned, rolling his eyes. "Is Kimbermé dancing naked around the room?"

Just as Tommykan's face began to form a dirty look, Jason's eyes bulged.

"Oh, that. Right, I sense it too."

Immediately, the two Power Rangers leapt into action. Bounding heroically through the door, Tommykan activated his kickass green Powersaber before Jason even got his out. With a powerful swing, Tommykan sliced the two Barillian Bugs in half.

The commotion jolted Kimbermé awake, who unfortunately for Tommykan was now wearing pink pajamas.

"Again?!" she cried. "Will you get the hell outta--- oh. Bugs. Thanks, I guess."

Before Tommykan had a chance to say "That's all?" the trio heard the sound of a whirring motor. They all turned to see Scorpina's droid hovering at the window. The small robot immediately turned around and flew off.

Jason realized there was only one thing to do in order to stop the would-be assassin.

Leap out the window.

[GreyRanger]

LOLOLOLOL!!!! welll, this is amazingly hilarious, keep up the good work dude

[Nic]

I have to say it took me a while to read this, because I was laughing very hard. This is really good and very funny. I hope you finish it up. I love PR parodies.

[MegaZeo]

You thought this was dead?!! ...so did I. >_>

* * * * *

While Jason had leapt out into the night to catch the assassin droid, Tommykan stood over Kimbermé, staring at her intently.

"Shouldn't you go help your Master?" she asked with concern.

Tommykan grinned. "Nah, I figure he can handle it. Besides, it's just the two of us, and I'm sure you don't want to be left alone after such a frightening..."

Just then, Captain Jacko and Vida entered the room, having heard the disturbance just a few seconds ago.

Tommykan growled and ran off. "Goddammit!"

Just as he left the room, Vida joined Kimbermé by her bedside. "Are you all right, M'lady?" she asked.

Kimbermé put her index finger on her own lips. "Hmm, lemme see... nearly got blown up this morning, experienced the incompetence of the Power Rangers - AGAIN, was nearly assassinated, and then nearly assaulted by a horny Power Ranger padawan to top it all off. So, in short, I'm doing just dandy. How are you?"

Jacko just shook his head, "Man, this is all really fucked up..."

* * * * *

Jason, meanwhile, was hanging on for dear life.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, he thought. What the hell was I thinking?! Jump out the window... nice...

Elsewhere, Tommykan concentrated on his connection to the Morphin Grid and used a burst of Power to... uh, steal a speeder. Backing the vehicle up, he quickly shot off into the night after Jason and the droid.

Jason, meanwhile, was trying to dodge every vehicle that passed him, while simultaneously holding onto the droid.

I really shoulda just used the Power to pull the droid back into the room... Jason thought.

Scorpina, meanwhile, spotted her droid and its Power Ranger passenger.

"Oh, perfect," she hissed. "Why the hell would that thing bring a Ranger right to me? What good does that do?"

Marching back over to her speeder, she pulled out a long, curved scythe-like sword. Running her hand across the blade, the sword began to glow with energy. Tossing it like a boomerang, Scorpina sent the sword hurtling towards the droid...

In a burst of sparks, the droid was sliced cleanly in half.

"Oh, hell," Jason swore before dropping out of the sky, not unlike Wile E. Coyote.

Her sword returning to her hand, Scorpina quickly got in her speeder and took off.

Tommykan spotted his Master's freefall through the Eltar skyline and quickly put his stolen speeder into a steep dive to catch up.

It didn't take long to dive in under Jason, although the speed at which Jason fell surprised Tommykan a lot. He knew his Master had eaten too many cheeseburgers, and now it was catching up with him!

Jason landed on the backside of the speeder and pulled himself into the passenger section with a huff.

"What took you so long?!" Jason screamed at Tommykan.

"Gee, no 'thanks for saving my life, again, Tommykan?'" Tommykan asked in annoyance.

"...WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!" Jason screamed again.

Tommykan decided he was going to have some fun with this. "Oh, y'know, Master, I was trying to find Kimbermé's good side. What with her open bust, and smoking hot thighs..."

Jason scoffed. "If you practiced your Powersaber skills as you did your search for porn, you would rival Master Lerigot as a swordsman!"

Tommykan smirked. "I thought I already did!"

"What?" Jason asked. "Mastered searching for porn? You certainly have, my very young apprentice!"

Further and further they went as they chased Scorpina's speeder. Up and down and left and right and around and around and around...

Jason suddenly leaned over the side of the speeder and lost his lunch.

"Sorry, Master," Tommykan chuckled as Jason leaned back in, wiping his mouth off. "I forgot how much you don't like flying."

"I don't mind flying, but what you're doing is---"

Jason was interrupted as Tommykan did a loop-de-loop, causing him to hurl once again.

As they approached a large industrial area, Scorpina fired a blast from her sword, striking a massive machine as she passed it. Electricity began crackling across its surface.

"Tommykan!" Jason cried as they neared it. "Watch out for those power couplings!"

The Rangers' speeder passed right by the machine, absolutely unaffected by its power surge.

"...oh," Jason said, relieved.

"Wow, I would've expected that to zap us or something," Tommykan said.

Onward the chase went, on and on and... Jesus Tapdancing Christ, how long is this scene? Lemme just fast forward a little bit here... okay, Tommykan loses Scorpina... he jumps onto her speeder... her face morphs... geez, this is taking way too long. I almost forgot what the plot was here. Lemme just cut to the end.

Just before the speeder crashed into the street, Tommykan dropped off, tumbling to the ground. Seconds later, the speeder hit the ground and crumpled upon hitting a building. As bystanders began gathering around Tommykan and the downed craft, Scorpina emerged, apparently completely unharmed.

Just then the two noticed each other, and Scorpina began to run. Immediately, Tommykan began to give chase... again.

While the two ran through the streets of Eltar, two particularly looking comedic relief fellows strolled along the main walkway. It was Captain Skullovitch, having survived the Pterodactyl's destruction, and his newfound bestfriend, Farkas Bulkmier, or Bulk as he liked to call him. For some reason, Skull looked up to Bulk in an almost hero-worship type way. Why? We'll never know...

And perhaps we don't want to know.

But regardless, they walked through the streets, oblivious of what was coming their way. And some kind of strange, comedic music, played with tubas, accompanied their stroll.

"Hey Bulky?" Skull asked. "Ya think we'll ever be prominent characters in this story?"

"Skull, my friend!" Bulk replied. "I can absolutely guarantee that not only will we have prominent roles, our characters will be the saviors of the galaxy!"

A twinkle appeared in Bulk's eyes as he continued. "And we'll meet hot damsels in distress, encounter fiercesome dark lords, train under mystical elderly masters, and...!"

WHAM!

Scorpina rammed right into Bulk, for she didn't look where she was going. She tumbled into a fall but quickly got back up. Bulk was not so fortunate however, for he had conveniently fallen into a round bin that spilled the liquid contents of God only knows what all over his face.

Skull laughed at the misfortune of his friend, that is, until Tommykan ran over him too, and he also fell into some vat of disgusting looking liquid.

And for some reason, the surrounding populace turned to laugh at them.

Meanwhile, Jason saw this all happening from above since he was still in the original speeder Tommykan stole. He quickly landed the speeder by a nightclub that Scorpina has run into and that Tommykan was running into.

"Tommykan!" Jason called out.

Tommykan skidded to a halt, stopping just in time to avoid running into a busty woman with a revealing shirt.

"Goddammit," Tommykan growled again.

Jason finally met up with him. Tommykan turned to his Master and said "She went into the club, Master!"

"Patience, use the Power, think ya dumbass!" Jason yelled. "And next time, try not to lose this."

Jason handed Tommykan the hilt of his Powersaber. "This weapon is your life!"

"No, my obsession with seeing Kimbermé naked is my life," Tommykan replied.

"Oh, right," Jason said. "My mistake. And here I assumed you wanted to be a Power Ranger."

Tommykan took the Powersaber hilt and grinned. "I try, Master."

Jason crossed his arms and huffed. "Why do I get the feeling you're going to kill me after I throw a fight in order to assist your kids in escaping your diabolical battle station?"

"Don't say that Mas---huh?" Tommykan asked.

"Can you see him?" Jason whispered as they walked into the nightclub.

"I think he is a she," Tommykan replied. "And I think she's an ugly bitch."

"Great," Jason groaned. "Go and find her."

"Where are you going, Master?"

"For a drink."

"...is this some old Power Ranger lesson?"

"No, I'm thirsty," Jason said. "All that speeder piloting is hard work."

Tommykan mumbled a few choice words under his breath as Jason left for the bar. He looked around the club, trying to look for anyone morphing into someone else. Then he realized she probably wouldn't be doing that and that he had to look harder.

Jason, meanwhile, had already received his drink. Suddenly, one of the other patrons spoke up.

"You wanna buy some Wrath Staffs?"

"You don't want to sell me Wrath Staffs," Jason replied simply, waving his hand.

"I don't want to sell you Wrath Staffs..."

"You want to go outside and dance ballet while singing I'm A Little Girl."

"I want to go outside and dance ballet while singing I'm A Little Girl."

With that, the patron left. Jason chuckled as he took a sip from his drink. It's things like that that make me glad I'm a Power Ranger.

Tommykan, meanwhile, had decided to up his search for Scorpina. He realized what he was doing before wasn't working, and so began a new approach.

"Hello, excuse me. Are you a shapeshifting assassin? No? Alright, thank you for your time."

He kept this up, but apparently nobody in the club was a shapeshifting assassin. But Tommykan knew it was only a matter of time...

Scorpina, meanwhile, had decided to take action. Unsheathing her sword, she stealthily (well, as stealthily as she could with a three-foot blade) advanced upon Jason, until...

BZZT!

With a swing of Jason's crimson Powersaber, Scorpina was quickly disarmed... literally. Scorpina cried out as she staggered to the ground. Tommykan rejoined Jason as he helped her to her feet. As Jason escorted her outside, Tommykan faced the crowd.

"Move along, people. Nothing to see here," he said. Then he glanced down at the floor. "Hey, a dismembered arm. Hey, guys, look, there's a dismembered arm over here!"

Outside, Jason laid Scorpina gently onto the ground. A second later Tommykan arrived.

"Do you know who you were trying to kill?" Jason asked.

Scorpina glared at him. "No, I just try to kill people randomly every Tuesday. What kind of dumbass question is that?"

"Okay, fair enough," Jason grumbled. "Who hired you?"

"It was just a job..." Scorpina groaned.

"Who hired you?" Tommykan repeated in an unsettling sweet voice. "Tell us. It'll be okay. Please tell us. Or I will kill you with my bare hands. Please."

Both Jason and Scorpina glared at Tommykan with unease.

"Hell, this kid's creeping me out," Scorpina sighed. "I was hired by a bounty hunter named---"

Suddenly, a dart hit her in the neck. Tommykan and Jason looked upwards to see a red and orange form on top of a nearby building. Within seconds, it had flown away on a jetpack.

The two Rangers looked back down at Scorpina, who had now transformed into a hideous humanoid scorpion creature, complete with claw and tail.

"Ew," Jason and Tommykan said together.

Suddenly, the dart sparked.

"Uh oh," Jason said.

Scorpina's body exploded into a large ball of flame. When the flames cleared, both Jason and Tommykan were charred black and smoking, only their eyes showing.

Jason coughed out a puff of smoke.

"Lovely," he muttered. He bent over and picked up the only remains - the dart. "A toxic dart," he said, examining it.

"Good call, Master," Tommykan said flatly, smoke coming out of his mouth as he said it.

* * * * *

Time had passed. Jason and Tommykan were now at the Power Ranger Command Center, standing before the Council.

"Track down this bounty hunter, you must, Jason," Master Lerigot instructed.

"Most importantly, find out who's his daddy," Master T.J. added.

"What about Senator Acrobatica?" Jason asked. "She still needs protection. Shut up, Tommykan."

"Handle that," Lerigot said. "Your padawan will."

Jason's face dropped.

"Wait, what? That was a joke, right?"

Jason was ignored as T.J. turned to address Tommykan.

"Tommykan, escort that fine piece of ass back to her home planet of Angel Grove," T.J. said. "But don't use registered transport, travel as muthafuckin fujis."

"As what? I'm sorry, Master, but I don't quite understand your slang," Tommykan retorted.

T.J. then went on to preform what he requested of Tommykan using dolls and model playsets. After the mini act was finished, Tommykan knew what he needed to do now.

"Oh, okay! Well, uhh," Tommykan stammered. "Senator Acrobatica is kind of the leader of that whole thing to oppose the army build-up. She probably won't want to leave Eltar anytime soon."

"SHIT!" T.J. cursed, drawing shocked looks from all the fellow Rangers.

Lerigot cleared his throat before continuing. "Hmm, go to the Chancellor you must. To speak with the Senator, you must ask him."

Tommykan and Jason bowed and then promptly left. Meanwhile, T.J. got all sorts of weird stares from the other Master Rangers.

He shrugged and replied "Been watching Malcom X again..."

"...I didn't have any lines," Master Ninjor complained.

* * * * *

"I will talk with her," Chancellor Kaplantine assured Tommykan. "Senator Acrobatica is too bubbly and air-headed to withstand a verbal bitchslapping."

"Thank you, your Excellency," Tommykan nodded.

"So," Kaplantine began. "They've finally given you an assignment, huh? It's about damn time. They had you mopping and sweeping the Command Center for how long now?"

Tommykan frowned. "I'm sure your guidance helped a bit."

"You don't need guidance, Tommykan," Kaplantine told him. "In time you will learn to trust your feelings. And then you will be an Evil Space Alien. I mean invincible."

The two started making their way towards the door.

"I've said it many times," Kaplantine said. "You are the most gifted Power Ranger I've ever met. I see you becoming greatest of all the Power Rangers. Even more powerful than Master Lerigot. And then you lose your arms and legs---Powersaber. You lose your Powersaber and have to get a new one."

Tommykan groaned. "God, that sucks."

* * * * *

Jason, T.J. and Lerigot strolled the length of an immense walkway in the Command Center. T.J. and Lerigot pretended to listen to Jason's bitching about the recent turn of affairs, but they couldn't help but think about that interesting shower video they saw this morning...

"I'm concerned for my dumba--student. He's not ready to be alone with a woman yet! I haven't even taught him anything about proper entering and exiting techniques!"

T.J. and Lerigot gasped at Jason, who just realized the magnitude of what he said.

"I mean getting a room and not paying for it!" Jason grumbled.

"The Council is confident in their decision, Jason," Lerigot said in reminder.

"That bastard's got fly skills, yo," T.J. agreed.

"But he's such an arrogant prick!" Jason whined.

"Actually," Lerigot said. "In the thousand some-odd words that have been written up to this point, he hasn't done a single arrogant thing. Perverted, twisted things, but not arrogant. If anything, I'd say your jumping out the window to hold onto a tiny assassin droid qualifies as arrogant."

Every single Ranger in the Command Center stopped what they were doing to hear what Lerigot just said.

Lerigot then cleared his throat and went on. "Uh, a flaw more and more common in Rangers?"

Everyone else shrugged and then went back to what they were doing.

"Remember Jason," T.J. said while shaking his head at Lerigot. "If the prophecy, the same prophecy that Lerigot and I will seriously question in the next movie, is true... your student is the only one who can bring the Morphing Grid back online."

Before either Jason or Lerigot could interject, T.J. added "MUTHAFUCKA!"

* * * * *

Wow, we sure seem to switch scenes fast don't we? Well anyways, we're back at Kimbermé's apartment where her bedroom window, which had been smashed through by Jason the previous night, was being replaced by labor droids that the apartment management office requisitioned for repair.

Unfortunately, it seems the droids had overstayed their welcome, because they not only replaced Kimbermé's window but they also watched her shower. Surprisingly, she put on a pretty good show that was now airing on all of the holonets galaxy-wide.

It is at this time that we find Kimbermé giving Representative Revolto a quick rundown on what's expected of him.

"I'm getting the hell off of Eltar to lay low for a while, so ya know, people don't try to kill me or take perverted recordings of me. It'll be your job to take my place in the Senate. Represenative Revolto," Kimbermé announced. "I know I can count on you to NOT give Chancellor Kaplantine emergency powers and doom us all to all sorts of unmitigated evil."

Rito scratched his helmeted skull. "Say what now?"

Kimbermé growled and walked away. Rito merely shrugged and went back to watching alien porn.

Tommykan was admiring Kimbermé's strut when she breezed past him into her room to finish packing.

"This is like such a bad idea," Kimbermé spouted. "Us hiding n'stuff."

"Don't worry," Tommykan replied. "Now that the Ranger Council has beheld the Viewing Globe, it won't take Master Jason long to find this bastard who tried to whack you off."

Kimbermé gave Tommykan a tired stare.

"Er, I mean...!" Tommykan stammered when he realized his faux pas. "Aw, man..."

"I have so NOT worked for a year to defeat that stupid Military Creation Act only to not be here when its fate is decided!" Kimbermé snapped.

"And I haven't followed your sweet ass around the galaxy for TEN years just so I could still NOT be laid by this point," was what Tommykan would've come back with had he said what was truly on his mind, but even he knew he'd get his ass kicked for that.

"Sometimes we must let go of our pride and do what is requested of us," is what he really replied with.

"Tommykan," Kimbermé said, turning to look at him. "You've grown up."

"Nice of you to notice."

Here we go, folks. It's bitch time.

"Master Jason doesn't seem to think so. Don't get me wrong, he's a great mentor and everything... as wise as Master Lerigot and as powerful as Master T.J.... except for when he's fighting Evil Space Aliens... I'll have to ask him about that. But in some ways... in a lot of ways... okay, in EVERY way... I'm really ahead of him. I am! I REALLY AM! I WANNA TAKE THE TRIALS! HE YELLS AT ME! HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND OR NOTHING! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Tommykan, knock that shit off or I'm never sleeping with you ever."

That shut him up.

"Just don't try to grow up too fast, Tommykan," Kimbermé said after a brief silence.

"But I am grown," Tommykan said, facing her. "In more ways than one."

As Kimbermé groaned, she realized Tommykan was rather close to her. And staring at her.

"Don't look at me like that," she said.

"Why not?" Tommykan asked.

"Cause it's fuckin' creepy."

And what other way could we end this scene other than Tommykan realizing his extreme flirtations weren't working and him verbalizing his displeasure by saying...

"Aw, man."

* * * * *

Later, the senator and her Power Ranger protectors were on their way to the docking bay where Kimbermé and Tommykan would board the transport to take them back to Angel Grove.

"Be safe, M'lady," Captain Jacko said.

"Total thanks, Captain," Kimbermé said. "Take good care of Rose." Turning to her new decoy, she said "The threat's on you too, now."

"Thanks a lot," Rose whined. "Seriously. This is my dream. I've always wanted to be assassinated because some mysterious bounty hunter thinks I'm somebody else. Really. That's my life dream. Bitch."

Luckily for her, however, Kimbermé had stopped listening five minutes ago.

Meanwhile, Jason was conferring with his padawan.

"Remember Tommykan, don't do anything without first consulting myself or the Council. Remember, you're just a newb who's completely fucking incompetent."

"Yes, Mas-HEY!" Tommykan yelled.

Having sufficiently insulted his student for the day, Jason turned his fake grin of sincerity on Kimbermé.

"I'll get to the bottom of this plot quickly, M'lady," Jason said. "I'll have found everything about where the plot of this story is going before Tommykan even gets his first kiss."

"I'll so be grateful if we can skip past that horrid fire place scene," Kimbermé said. "You know the one."

Tommykan gestured towards the transport with a tilt of his head.

"Hey, get a move on, bitch!"

Kimbermé huffed and grabbed her suitcases. Circuit chirped and flapped his metal wings, flying behind her.

"Tommykan," Jason sighed, knowing that this would be the last time he'd get to see his student before he ended up in some humiliating situation. "May the Power protect you."

"May the Power protect you, Master," Tommykan said before saying under his breath, "Jackass..."

Jason didn't quite hear what Tommykan said but paid no further attention to it.

And so, Tommykan, Kimbermé and Circuit were off to face the galaxy by themselves.

"Suddenly I'm afraid," Kimbermé said aloud.

"You will be! YOU WILL BE!" Tommykan quickly said.

Kimbermé gave Tommykan a horrified look.

"Nah I'm just pulling your hot little leg. Hey if it makes ya feel any better, I'm kinda nervous myself, what with this being my first assignment on my own," Tommykan said.

Kimbermé breathed a sigh of relief. "At least we have Cirucit with us."

"We sure do!" Tommykan replied, and then gave Circuit an evil grin. "MUHUHAHAHAHA!"

"...What was that?" Kimbermé asked.

Tommykan cleared his throat. "I dunno. I have no idea where that came from."

Back at the earlier transport, Jason and Captain Jacko watched the pair walk away.

"I do hope he doesn't do anything foolish," Jason muttered.

"I'd be more worried about her than him," Captain Jacko said.

"She was the 'something foolish' I was referring to," Jason said.

* * * * *

Some time later, Jason had arrived at an old-fashioned diner on Eltar. He was greeted by a pink female droid wearing a corset. Jason was momentarily distracted by her noticable bust size, which he thought was kinda weird, because she was, in fact, a droid.

The droid, Archerina, flicked Jason's nose with her fingers, bringing him back to reality.

"Someone to see ya, honey," she shouted into the kitchen. "It's that stupid Power Ranger friend of yours."

A rather fat creature, looking like a cross between a toad and a whale, stuck its head out from the kitchen.

"Yo, Jason!" he cried.

"Hello, Gluto," Jason smiled.

"Yo, take a seat ove' there, I'll be right with youse!" Gluto said as he turned to take care of something.

"You want a cup o' Cog oil?" Archerina asked Jason.

Jason tried his best to not stare at her offer in horror. Or at her chest.

"Uh, no, thank you..." he finally managed.

As Archerina left, Gluto approached.

"Hey, old buddy!" Gluto cried as he and Jason embraced in a big hug. Jason sat down in a booth. Gluto quickly joined him.

Suddenly, Gluto's smile dropped.

"Alright, you son of a bitch, where're those 10,000 credits you owe me?!"

"Nevermind that," Jason gulped, quickly changing the subject. "Can you tell me anything about this?"

He pulled out of his robes the toxic dart that had slain Scorpina.

"It's shiney," Gluto deadpanned. "Seriously, where's muh money?"

"I told you I'm good for it, now pay attention!" Jason huffed. "This is important!"

"Bah, fine," Gluto sighed. "I've seen one of these tings before, but not in years. Not since I was out in the outer limits."

"Do you know where it's from?" Jason asked.

"These babies belong to dem cloners!" Gluto said. "What youse got here is an Aquitar Saber Dart."

"I wonder why it didn't show up on the analysis," Jason mused.

"It's these funny little bumps on the front that give it away," Gluto explained. "Those stupid analysis droids only focus on... not-bumps. I'd tink youse Power Rangers would has respect for the difference between knowledge and, uh... knowin' stuff."

"It's not my fault Rito programmed our analysis droids," Jason complained as he overlooked the dart. "Aquitar, huh? Doesn't ring a bell... is it in the Mall?"

"Oh, hell no, it's way out there," Gluto said. "Past the outer limits. I'd say about twelve parsecs, which are things the Millennium Falcon does." Gluto paused to take a sip of his Cog oil. "These Aquitians... they like t'keep to themselves. They're cloners and damn good ones."

"Are they friendly?" Jason asked.

"It depends," Gluto chuckled.

"Depends on what?" Jason asked, uneasy.

"On how good yer manners are," Gluto grinned. "And how big yer pocket book is."

There was a brief pause.

"No, seriously, how big is it?"

* * * * *

Jason stood in the Command Center's library, looking at a bust of some ancient Power Ranger Master long since disceased. An older, portly woman approached him.

"Did you call for assistance?" she asked.

"Yeah. About an hour ago. Where the hell have you been?" Jason whined.

"Well, if you're going to be a little shit about it," she said as she began to turn and walk away.

Jason rolled his eyes and called after her "Wait, geez, I'm sorry. Come back, I need your help."

The woman, Miss Applebee, turned back to face him. "What is it?"

"I'm looking for a planetary system called Aquitar, but it doesn't show up on the charts," he explained.

"Aquitar... that's not a system I'm familiar with," she said. "Are you sure you have the right coordinates?"

"According to my information, it should be right here," he told her. "Just south of the Dark Star Galaxy."

Miss Applebee searched the sector on the interface. "I hate to tell you this, but it looks like the system you're looking for doesn't exist."

"That can't be right..." Jason thought. "Is it possible the archives are incomplete?"

"OH, FUCK YOU."

Miss Applebee was glaring daggers at Jason. He shrunk back.

"Geez, what?! Is it that big a deal to suggest that the archives are in---"

Suddenly, Miss Applebee's fingers were in her ears.

"LALALALALA!"

Jason frowned. "Oh, that's real matu---"

"LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU FUCK YOU LALALALALA!"

Frustrated, pissed off, and quite frankly, creeped out, Jason quickly exited the library.

* * * * *

As the "fuji" cruiser, as T.J. referred to it, soared through the vastness of space, there were shenanigans afoot! For starters, the damn thing's booster weren't functioning properly. But when one saw the name of the company that produced the cruiser, Hip-Hop-Kido Industries, one didn't have to wonder why it was a piece of crap.

Inside the cruiser, various refugees, from planets beset by Evil Space Aliens, milled about and related their acts of being oppressed over a bowl of whatever gruel the sever droid was dishing out.

Circuit retrived two such bowls for his human friends. But the droid who was serving the food was actually the Cog Commander from the previous story who let Zordon onto the invasion ship. He recognized Circuit from the battle for Angel Grove and immediately started to sweat oil.

"Hey, you! No droids, get out of here!" the Cog Commander yelled hastily.

Circuit chirped the vocal equivalent of the middle finger and flew away. Relieved that he had not been identified, the Cog Commander went back to preparing gruel. But he somehow knew his troubles were not yet over for this story.

Circuit placed the bowls of food in front of Kimbermé and Tommykan and didn't even stop to get thanked, for he saw a female bird droid in a corner and he knew he had to get her registration number!

Tommykan raised his eyebrow at that. "What's his problem?"

"Oh, he's been so lonely lately," Kimbermé replied. "I found him humping all sorts of things in my apartment. Droids, electrical outlets... the poor bastard needs a fembot."

Him and me both, Tommykan thought to himself. Er, except the fembot part.

"So," Kimbermé said. "It must be difficult having sworn your life to the Power Rangers..." She stirred her food. "Not being able to visit places that you like," she said. "Or do the things that you like."

"Or do the people that I like," Tommykan said.

Kimbermé groaned. "Isn't that forbidden for a Power Ranger? It's forbidden, right? Please tell me it's forbidden."

"Ehh..." Tommykan muttered. "Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Which I don't get, cause I possess a lot of stuff. My Powersaber, my robes... lotsa things. But compassion, which I would define as boning hot senators, is central to a Power Ranger's life. So, you might say we are encouraged to bone."

"That's... nice..." Kimbermé managed.

"You haven't changed a bit," Tommykan told her. "You're just the way I remembered you in my dreams."

"Too much information, Tommy," Kimbermé said. "Way too much."

"Aw, man."

* * * * *

After hurriedly leaving the library, Jason found himself marching through the hallways of the Command Center. He was still having trouble with his lead on Aquitar and felt he could use some help on the matter. He decided to track down Master Lerigot, but at the moment, the wisened old Master was teaching a class of the next set of bastard kids who got fooled into thinking they would become Power Rangers.

As Jason stepped into the room, he heard Lerigot imparting fake wisdom onto the children.

"Heheh, stretch out with your arms. Pretend you're fighting huge droid armies! Wish you were saving princesses!"

"But Master, I'm a girl," one the kids replied.

The little Ranger girl found her head throbbing with pain after the Master whacked her with his cane.

"INTERRUPT ME, DO NOT!"

It was then that Lerigot noticed Jason standing at the entrance of the training room.

"Rang-lings, Rang-lings!" Lerigot announced. "A visitor we have!"

"Hello," Jason said to the kids.

The Ranger kids looked at Jason and scratched their heads. They had no idea who the hell he was. After a long and awkward silence, Jason turned to Lerigot with a marble sized data-sphere.

"Master I need some help finding this planet. An old friend described it to me, but Miss Applebee swears it doesn't exist. Can you help a brother out?" he asked.

Lerigot laughed insanely. He paused and glared at the children... and they started laughing too.

"Lost a planet, Master Jason has. Un-fucking-believable!"

Jason rolled his eyes as everyone in the room pointed and laughed at him. Including Master Lerigot.

"Bob, the shades," Lerigot instructed one of the Rang-lings.

The room went dark, and Jason placed the data-sphere on a stand in the middle of the room.

"Behold the Viewing Globe, and clear your minds," Lerigot said. "Which should be easy," he muttered under his breath. Then out loud he said "And find the planet that Moron here misplaced."

Out of the data-sphere came a hologram of a star system that filled the room. Jason walked over to a particular cluster of stars and pointed. "It's should be right here, but it isn't."

"Move your finger?" Lerigot offered.

Jason huffed angrily but moved his finger anyway. "It's still not there!" he snapped. "Gravity is pulling everything to this spot but there's nothing there."

Lerigot turned to his students.

"Hmm. Gravity's silhouette remains, but the star and all the planets... disappeared, they have. Hmm? A thought? Anyone?"

One of the children raised their hands.

"Master? You didn't say there would be word problems."

The child's head quickly met the business end of Lerigot's walking stick.

"Anyone ELSE?" Lerigot asked, seeking out an answer from one of the kids.

One of the children started to go into a song and dance tirade straight out of a Disney movie. That was put to a stop when Lerigot used the Power to push the little bastard right out the window.

Finally, the same little girl from before who originally got her head smacked raised her hand.

"Master? Because some jerk-ass erased it from the archives?"

Lerigot smiled sadistically. "Truly wonderful the mind of a child is. Heheh. The Rang-ling is right."

The little girl sighed in relief. But for the sheer heck of it, she was whacked anyway.

"Go to the center of gravity's pull," Lerigot cautioned. "And find your wayward planet, you will."

The rest of the children stampeded out of the room for fear of being tormented. Meanwhile, Jason and Lerigot were left to ponder the situation by themselves.

"But Master, Miss Applebee said it was impossible to erase the records. She even did the whole 'I can't hear you, LALALALALA' thing when I suggested it!"

"A stuck-up bitch, she is," Lerigot said. "But dangerous and disturbing this puzzle is. Only a Ranger could have erased those files. But who and why? Harder to answer. Masturbate on this, I will."

...

OKAY, MOVING ALONG NOW.

* * * * *

So now where are we? Oh, we're back on Angel Grove. Haven't been here in ten years! And the place still hasn't changed. It's still as boringly charming and lush as it ever was.

At least the Cogs are gone and no hot girls are bull riding them anymore.

Anyways, Tommykan and Kimbermé made their way towards the palace by foot, although one had to wonder why they simply didn't fly there in a speeder.

Well, okay, it was two reasons. One, they're still incognito, and two, Queen Katherine imposed an anti-speeder law after she was kidnapped by horny Cogs ten years prior.

"Ya know, Tommy, I wasn't the youngest queen ever elected," Kimbermé said.

"Nah," Tommykan agreed. "But you were the hottest."

Kimbermé blushed... wait, blushed? Oh, don't tell me she's starting to like this perv? (Although considering its a Star Wars spoof, she's contractually obligated to, so...) Anyway, she blushed at what Tommykan said and continued:

"But, like, looking back on it and stuff, I don't think I was old enough. I wasn't ready, ya know?"

"The people of Angel Grove thought you did a gangbang---" Tommykan stammered as his eyes went wide. "---Job! A bang-up job. I even heard they tried to amend the constitution so you could stay in office."

Kimbermé shuddered. "Yeah, the Hot Queen Act of 2001. Well, I was, like, totally relieved when my two terms were up. But when Queen Katherine asked me to serve in the senate, I couldn't refuse my girlfriend."

"I agree with her," Tommykan said. "I think the Mall needs you to keep up reasonable prices. I'm glad you chose to serve."

Kimbermé smiled at Tommykan, who almost leaped for joy that he:

A - Had not said something really stupid and pissed her off.
B - Was saying surprisingly mature things that made him not look like a total douche.

Would this trend continue? Read the next scene to find out!

* * * * *

The Angel Grove Palace. Once Kimbermé's base of operations, it was now the home of Queen Katherine.

"If the senate votes to create an army," Kimbermé said. "I'm totally sure it's going to push us into a civil war."

"It's unthinkable," said Governor Elgar, who I'm sure everybody had completely forgotten about at this point so I'm not sure why they bothered bringing back this particular character. "There hasn't been a full-scale war since the grand opening of the Mall."

"Do you see any way to bring the Seperatists back into the Mall through negotiations?" Queen Katherine asked. Then, remembering she was Australian, she added "...mate?"

"Not if they feel so totally threatened," Kimbermé said. "My guess is they'll turn to the Machine Empire or the Dai Shi Clan for help."

"It's outrageous," Elgar barked. "But after four trials in the Mall's Food Court, Finster... whatever his last name is... is still the viceroy of the Machine Empire!" He sighed. "I fear the Mall is powerless to resolve this inflation crisis!"

"We must keep our faith in the Mall," Katherine shrugged. She arose from her throne and her handmaidens, fellow gymnasts from Australia, followed suit. "The day we stop believing good pricing can work is the day we get enslaved by Evil Space Aliens."

Circuit's Irony Alarm quietly went off in the corner he sat in.

"Let's pray that day, totally never comes!" Kimbermé said.

Katherine nodded. "In the meantime, we must consider your own safety, girlfriend."

Wanting to be relevant in this scene, Elgar asked of Tommykan "What is your suggestion, Master Ranger?"

Tommykan crossed his arms as a thoughtful expression appeared on his face. "Well, I think..."

Kimbermé scoffed at Tommykan. "You?" she began. "Think? Since when do you ever think about anything other than T 'n' A? I apologize Governor, but Tommykan's not a Ranger, he's just a teenager with attitude."

"The fuck!?" Tommykan blurted out. "Bitch, I saved your sweet ass back on Eltar from poisonous bugs and this is the thanks I get?"

Kimbermé turned back to the Queen as if she hadn't heard anything from Tommykan. "Anyways, I thought we might, like, stay in the Lake Country. There's some secluded places in that area."

"HELLO!" Tommykan said, waving his arms. "I'm in charge of your security, you dumb bimbo, did you forget?!"

Kimbermé turned to acknowledge Tommykan with an authoritarian glare and said simply, "Shut up."

Tommykan had no choice but to obey.

Kimbermé and the Queen made their way to the main hall.

Tommykan sneered and muttered "It's a good thing we haven't slept together yet or---" and then he imitated the familiar buzz of a Powersaber.

* * * * *

Elsewhere in the cosmos, just south of the Dark Star Galaxy, Jason's one-man spacecraft, the Red Dragon, came out of hyperspace. In front of the ship was an immense planet... Aquitar. Water seemed to cover the planet's entire surface.

"There it is, Wirez," Jason said to his droid co-pilot. "Right where it should be. Our missing planet, Aquitar."

Wirez was an owl droid like Circuit, but was red instead of blue. He chirped and hooted to let Jason know he'd heard him.

As Jason descended into the atmosphere, all he could see for miles around was ocean. And an angry ocean at that. A storm was definitely brewing...

Jason soon spotted what looked like a city on stilts that stood above the water. The purple-colored structure of the buildings made them stand out from the water and Jason was easily able to spot a landing pad.

"Oh, God, that's an ugly color for a city."

Wirez chirpped a reply that concured with Jason's assessment of their surroundings. The Red Dragon swiftly landed moments later. Jason disembarked from his transport, which somehow ended up with him leaping hundreds of feet through the air.

"AYE YAH!"

Jason landed on the pathway that extended into the city. However, since it was raining, he slipped and tumbled rather comically through the plexi-glass double doors at the city's entrance. It was there, in a crumpled heap, that an Aquitian woman (fake alien makeup and all!) with long blonde hair found and greeted him.

"Master Ranger," the woman, Delphine, said. "The Prime Minister of Aquitar is expecting you."

Jason took a gander at her. She was dressed in a shapeless black outfit with purple lining, the same ugly purple that decorated this sterile-looking city, covering the front of her suit. She wasn't much to look at.

Jason stood up and wiped himself off, straightening out his clothing as best he could.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Jason asked. "Your ugliness was distracting me."

The Aquitian woman growled and motioned for Jason to follow her. Shrugging off her gesture, and remembering he actually had a mission to complete, Jason followed her down a brightly lit purple hallyway.

Geez, what was it with all this purple? Does the Joker live here?

Finally they entered into the private office of the Prime Minister. Yes, it too was purple, and absolutely devoid of any sort of furniture save for a (here it comes again) purple metallic hoverchair. Another Aquitian, the Prime Minister no doubt, arose from the chair and waited for the formal introductions to take place... because Aquitians were like that. All pompous and prissy.

"This is Aurico," Delphine introduced. "Prime Minister of Aquitar. And this is jackass..."

Jason elbowed her and coughed at the same time.

"I mean," she stated. "Master Ranger..."

"Jason-Lee Kenobi," Jason said with a bow.

Aurico approached Jason.

"I trust you're going to enjoy your stay," he said, touching his fingers together, as Aquitians often do... for some reason. "And now to business."

A second chair descended from the ceiling, and both Aurico and Jason sat down. Delphine stood silently to the side.

"You will be delighted to hear that we are on schedule," Aurico informed the Power Ranger.

Jason nodded like he knew what the hell the Aquitian was talking about.

"200,000 units are ready," Aurico went on. "With a million more well on the way."

Jason mentally thanked the heavens Tommykan wasn't there to snicker at "units." He realized he should say something, and went with "That's... good news."

Aurico continued. "Please tell your Master Saba-Dyas that his order will be met on time."

Jason did a double take. "Master whosajiggawha?"

Aurico looked unsure. "Master Saba-Dyas is still a leading member of the Power Rangers Council, is he not?"

Jason glared at the Aquitian. "I'm sure he would be... if he wasn't dead. And has been for years."

"Oh..." Aurico whispered. "Well... this is awkward, isn't it?"

A moment of very awkward silence passed.

"Well, I'm sure he would've been proud of the army we built for him," Aurico said.

"The... army?" Jason asked. "What army? There's an army?"

"Yes," Aurico replied. "A clone army. And I must say, it kicks ass."

"Huh." Jason had no clue what was going on. "So... when Saba-Dyas ordered this army, did he happen to say who it was for?"

"Of course," Aurico said. "It was for the Mall. But you must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself."

Jason was really glad Tommykan wasn't around for that one.

"That's why I'm here," he lied. And badly.

[Darky]

LOL, especially at Jason's reaction to the Aquitians and Lerigot.

Keep it coming, this is great

[SylvanGenesis]

Awesome stuff! Is there a part I?

[Darky]

Yeah, it's under his name. That's hilarious too. Here it is

http://www.rangerboard.com/showthread.php?t=80123

[MegaZeo]

A Firebird-shaped boat pulled into one of the private harbors of Angel Grove's Lake Country. Tommykan and Kimbermé were the passengers on the aforementioned boat. As it pulled in, it hit...

No, not a land mind or a depth charge. They hit a family of ducks with the beak of their boat.

Shrugging off the sheer randomness of the event, Tommykan climbed out of the the boat first, and offered his hand to Kimbermé, who reluctantly took it. Some poor, underprivileged and underpaid sap who watched the boats was given the task of... you guessed it, watching the boats.

But this was no ordinary underprivileged bastard, he was also an undercover reporter who was no doubt about to record the crappy romantic lines that were sure to follow.

Kimbermé and Tommykan walked along a luxuriant walkway that... okay, we get it already, it's freakin' uber romantic, let's get on with the funny shall we?!

"We like, use to come here for school retreat," Kimbermé said. "We would swim to that nude beach everyday. I loved the water."

Tommykan coughed and started to sweat.

"When we, like, got there, me and the other girls I was with," Kimbermé continued. "We would lay out on the sand and let the sun tan our hot bods. And try to guess the names of the birds who were cooing. We'd swoon as we'd lie their naked, thinking about our Prince Charmings."

Tommykan was now gasping for air as the blood in his body was rushing to all sorts of areas. And who can blame the poor guy? Hell, I wanna go to this beach...

But for some reason, instead of keeping those mental images in his head, Tommykan started to think about... Sand! Of all things! SAND!

"I don't like sand," Tommykan said.

"Nobody dislikes sand," Kimbermé said, puzzled. "What's there to dislike about sand?"

"Well, you know," Tommykan began. "You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and it comes marching in and crawls up your leg and starts biting the inside of your ass. And you'll be all like 'Hey! Get out of my ass, you stupid sand!'"

There was an awkward silence.

"Tommykan, what the hell are you talking about?!" Kimbermé demanded.

"I'm talking about sand," Tommykan said. "I hate that friggin' stuff."

"...sand is that tan, grainy stuff you find at beaches," Kimbermé said.

"OH," Tommykan said. "SAND. Oh yeah, I like sand. Sand is cool."

"...what were you talking about?" Kimbermé asked, her face contorted by confusion and fear of the answer.

"Huh? Oh, nothing," Tommykan said. "Forget it."

"No!" Kimbermé cried. "What marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?!"

"Nothing!" Tommykan whined.

More silence followed.

"But anyway..." Tommykan began after a while. "I don't like that... non-sand thing... because it's all rough and scratchy. Not like here. Where everything's so soft... and smooth... and bouncy..."

"Get your hand off of them right now," Kimbermé said flatly.

"Sorry," Tommykan gulped, quickly pulling his hand away.

And then, without any warning or hint, Kimbermé grabbed Tommykan by his face and planted a big fat kiss on his lips. Tommykan was taken aback by this but soon settled into the mood and started fondling Kimbermé all over, letting his wildest fantasies come to life...

...until Kimbermé suddenly drew back and slapped the shit out of Tommykan.

"No, I shouldn't have done that!" Kimbermé said quickly.

Tommykan was too flabbergasted to even voice a complaint. There were only three words that kept repeating through his mind over and over again without letup.

"What," "The," and "Fuck."

* * * * *

Back on Aquitar, Aurico and Delphine were giving Jason the grand tour of the "units". The units in question turned out to be a huge, massive army of gray-suited warriors with the ugliest faces this side of the Dark Star Galaxy.

Still, Jason was impressed at their sheer size in numbers.

"Holy shit," Jason said to himself.

See? He was impressed.

"I'd hoped you'd be pleased," Aurico announced. He then turned to Delphine and gestured "no" while Jason wasn't looking. "Clones can think creatively," he said. "Unfortunately, ours are barely above kindergarten level. Budget cuts and all that."

Jason turned and glared at the Aquitian.

"Despite this, they've done surprisingly well in our combat education and training programs," Aurico assured him. "This batch was baked about five years ago."

"You mentioned growth acceleration...?" Jason asked.

"Of course," Aurico answered. "It's essential. Otherwise a mature Putty would take a lifetime to bake."

"Putty...?" Jason asked, confused at the term.

"Our nickname for them," Aurico explained. "For some reason, their flesh comes out a soft, yet hard material. Similar to silly putty."

Jason nodded.

"They're totally obedient as well," Aurico went on. "And take any order without question. We modified their genetic structure to make them less independant than their original host."

"And who was that?" Jason asked.

"A bounty hunter named Darkonda," Aurico answered.

"Darkonda?" Jason asked. "That's a weird name. Where is he?"

"Oh we keep him trapped... er, I mean, we keep him here," Aurico replied.

Jason raised an eyebrow, but thought nothing more on the subject. He probably should have, though.

"Apart from that bastard's pay, which WAS CONSIDERABLE, Darkonda demanded only one thing," Aurico started. "An unaltered Putty for himself. Funny, huh?"

Jason yawned and tried his best to pretend to be interested, even though he knew he was investigating a conspiracy of some sort.

"Unaltered you say?"

As Aurico explained all of this to Jason, we as the audience notice that the Putties are undergoing some serious kickass training. Weapons, hand to hand combat, and even dance choreography. These guys had some skills!

"No tampering with the genetic structure to make it more docile, and no growth acceleration," Aurico drummed on.

Jason had a hunch, or perhaps he had opened his copy of the Attack of the Stuff script, that Darkonda was the bounty hunter he was looking for. And perhaps, if he worked fast enough, he could get his part of the story done before Tommykan tried to sleep with Kimbermé!

FAT CHANCE OF THAT HAPPENING!

"I shall very much like to meet this bounty hunter," Jason said, now more interested in what was going on.

Delphine, who was still annoyed with Jason over their earlier encounter, was only all to happy to interject her voice into the conversation.

"I shall be very happy to arrange it for you," she cooed. So he can kill your ass later! she thought to herself.

They walked out onto a platform that overlooked the Putties preforming a drill march. Thousands upon thousands of these gray-suited warriors preformed their dance choreography to the tune of a very familar song...

Tick tock, tick tock
You're running out of time
No time to stop
Cause they are close behind

When they come knock
They better know it's time
I've got the lock
To keep them all in line

Well you can't run and you can't hide
When the evil's got you inside
C-C-C-COMBAT
C-C-C-COMBAT

* * * * *

Elsewhere in the cosmos, Tommykan and Kimbermé were out having a picnic in A GIANT, OPEN FIELD WITH NO COVER BY TREES OR ROCKS OR ANYTHING. Because that's what you do with someone who's IN DANGER OF BEING ASSASSINATED.

"Oh, I don't know," Kimbermé said as they continued a conversation about some boring shit we don't care about.

"Oh yes you do, you just won't tell me," Tommykan said.

"You gonna use one of your Power Ranger mind tricks on me?" she mocked.

"Not for that," he grinned.

Since we have to get around to Kimbermé liking him at some point, she found the line charming and flirty and cute and all that crap. So she proceeded to tell him.

"Alright," she began. "I was 15. The slumber party had been going on for a while. Alcohol was involved. My God... the memories... the horrors..." Kimbermé was staring out into space now, oblivious to reality. "NO! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!" she screamed suddenly.

Completely terrified by that point, Tommykan reached over and slapped her, snapping her out of it and bringing her back to reality.

"Wha happen?" she asked, dazed.

"Don't you EVER do that again!" Tommykan snapped at her, wide-eyed.

"Uh, like, whatever," Kimbermé said dismissively. "Anyways, at the party I met this guy named Benta. He was a hot black guy, and I had a thing for black guys...and their things..."

Tommykan groaned. "All right, I get the picture. Whatever happened to his black ass?"

Kimbermé shrugged. "He went on to become a horrible, horrible actor, and I went into public service."

Inward, Tommykan breathed a relieved sigh. Outward, he tried to maintain an aura of confidence... although he was feeling slightly inadequate when Kimbermé had mentioned "black things."

"Maybe he was the smart one," Tommykan finally said, a bit sarcastically.

Kimbermé wrinkled her nose at Tommykan... don't worry folks, it gets more interesting from here!

"You, like, don't care for politicians, do you?" she asked in a surprised tone.

I'm trying to bone you, and you think I don't like politicians?! Tommykan thought.

"I like two or three, but... okay, let's just stop beating around the bush here," Tommykan said suddenly. "I think our political system of Mall Managers and Supreme Owners sucks balls. If I had it my way we'd all be under a dictatorship!"

Kimbermé paused, shocked and horrified. Then, as if to question her intelligence further, she said "That sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me!"

Tommykan slapped his forehead, hard.

"You say that one more time and I'll Power-choke you so hard your heart'll break," he growled.

"Wha?" she asked, having missed what he said.

"Nothing..." Tommykan sighed.

"...you're making fun of me!" she wrongly deduced.

"Oh, no," he laughed. "I'd be much too anxious to bone a manager. I mean, wait, what?"

Time passed, and Kimbermé and Tommykan were spending their time romping through the field and riding atop the indigenous... what the hell are those things? No, seriously. What the hell, ILM? They look like fucking potatoes with legs.

Well, anyway, Tommykan was being a dumbass and riding his potato-beast like a surfboard. Naturally, he fell off and nearly got trampled by the animal.

Kimbermé, tiring of romping and having nothing better to do, decided to throw her arms into the air and run to see if her protector had been injured.

And run she did... bouncy bouncy bouncy...

"Tommy!" Kimbermé cried. "Tommy, are you all right?"

Unbeknownst to her, Tommykan had peaked an eye open and saw all of Kimbermé's bouncy goodness bounding towards him. By the time she had rolled him over to see if he was all right, Tommykan was already laughing... laughing that he was so fortunate to have a hot girl, his dream girl no less, so concerned about him.

Kimbermé, of course, mistook his laughter for playfulness and the two proceeded to laugh together and roll around in the grass. Tommykan discreetly used the Power to unhook certain strings in her dress so that the top of it came down as they rolled. Kimbermé ended up on top of Tommykan as their rolling came to an end, and certain parts of her were hanging down, practically staring him in the eyes.

...

Kimbermé's not totally in love with Tommykan yet, as outlined in her contract, so we'll just cut away from this scene before bad, painful things start to happen to him...

* * * * *

Meanwhile, far off on Aquitar, an Aquitian bursts out of the sea, riding atop a really cool-looking CGI dragon-manta ray-looking thing. But, it has absolutely nothing to do with the story, so let's move on.

Delphine had lead Jason to a certain bounty hunter's living quarters. She rang the bell and awaited an answer.

Suddenly, the door opened. A child-sized, robot-like... uh, child opened the door. He looked up at Delphine, who would've smiled in response had Aquitians not be completely creepy and almost entirely emotionless.

"Wow," Jason said, looking at the robot kid in surprise. "You're a lot shorter than I expected."

"That's not Darko---argh!" Delphine groaned. She turned to the child. "Deviot, is your father here?" she asked.

"Yeah," Deviot said in a reverberating robot voice. Turning away from them and walking into the room, he shouted "Dad, Delphine's here!"

The two followed him into the room. They looked around and saw another being come out of the hall and join them.

"Ah, Darkonda," Delphine said. "Welcome back."

Jason turned to meet the bounty hunter. His face was a scary mixture of red and black. He wore a suit of jagged, red and orange armor. Spikes jutted out everywhere.

"Was your trip productive?" Delphine asked.

"Didn't suck," Darkonda muttered.

"This is Power Ranger Master Jason-Lee Kenobi," she introduced. "He's come to check on our progress."

Jason got some major bad vibes eminating from Darkonda. He immediately went into "I know you're a bad guy and I know you know I know you're a bad guy, y'know?" mode.

"Your Putties are very impressive. You must be very proud," he said.

"I'm just a simple alien trying to make my way in the universe," Darkonda chuckled evilly. Cause he's evil, folks.

"I must say, though..." Jason said. "They don't really look like you."

Delphine's head dropped in embarassment. "We're not very good cloners," she admitted.

Jason turned his attention back to Darkonda. "You ever make it as far out as Eltar?"

"Once or twice," Darkonda said.

"Recently?" Jason asked.

"Possibly."

"Then you must know Master Saba-Dyas."

Darkonda's eyes narrowed. He turned to Deviot.

"Deviot. seekrit aleeun laingwig dat meenz heez ohntuu uss an weee nede tuu gett teh hel owta heer"

Deviot nodded and left the room.

Darkonda turned back to Jason. "Master who?"

"Saba-Dyas," Jason stressed again. "Is he not the Power Ranger who hired you for this job?"

Darkonda made sure to get real up close and ugly in Jason's face. "Never heard of 'em."

Jason wasn't buying this bullshit however, especially since he was on the clock. "Really?"

Darkonda stepped back and whispered in a Dr. Evil-like voice. "Really."

He then took a step forward and got back in Jason's face. "I was recruited by an alien named Vile on one of the moons of Phaedos."

Oh-ho, Jason was loving this horse shit. He couldn't help but to flash a snarky smile. "Curious."

There was a long, awkward pause in the room. Darkonda didn't like the way things were going, and he knew he needed to get the hell out of there... LIKE RIGHT NOW.

"Do you like your Putty Army?" Darkonda cleverly asked.

Jason thought about that for a second. And he found that he honestly did like those Putties, they had a certain undeniable, almost nostalgic charm about them.

"Uh, yeah, actually," Jason finally answered.

"Good," Darkonda said. "Because they'll do their job well, I'll gurantee that."

Jason really didn't like the emphasis Darkonda put on "their job". Perhaps it would come back to haunt him in Episode III?

Nah...

"Thank you for your time, Darkonda," Jason said with a half-hearted bow.

Darkonda didn't miss a beat. "Always a pleasure to meet a Power Ranger."

I bet, Jason thought.

And with that, Jason and Delphine left, but not before Jason flashed Darkonda a glance that clearly said (in classic AHNOLD fashion) "AH'LL BEE BAHCK."

Once the door closed, Darkonda and Deviot looked at each other... and practically dove for their belongings because it was time to get the hell out of dodge!

* * * * *

Back on Angel Grove, where things were perfectly boring and romantic, Tommykan and Kimbermé sat down to a dinner of pizza. Oh, you thought they were gonna eat fruit for dinner? What the hell do you think this? A vegetarian's delight? Hell to the no!

So they both wolfed down their slices of pizza and drank beer. They even had a bit of a belching contest.

"Nice, one," Tommykan said after Kimbermé expelled a particularly deep-throated burp.

Kimbermé innocently wiped her mouth with her napkin and grinned at Tommykan. "So, you were saying?"

"Oh," Tommykan remembered. "So when I got to them, we went into Mighty Morphin Negotiations..."

"Mighty Morphin Negotiations? What's that?" Kimbermé asked.

Tommykan slyly grinned and answered "Negotiations with a Powersaber."

They both chuckled at Tommykan's attempt to be charming. Contractual obligations, you get the idea.

Kimbermé attempted to pour herself some more beer. Tommykan used that opportunity to show off by using his skills of the POWER to pour her drink for her from the pitcher. Instead, Tommykan started focusing on her incredibly lucious cleavage and ended up pouring the beer on Kimbermé instead of into her glass!

"Oh shit..." Tommykan mumbled.

Kimbermé gasped, she was completely speechless.

Conveniently Tommykan used a new technique to clean off Kimbermé's dress and to dry her off. A green aura appeared around her body for but a mere second, and in the next second she was clean and dry. Again Kimbermé was astonished, but this time, happily so.

Tommykan played it off like it was nothing.

"If Master Jason caught me doing that, he'd be a jealous bastard!"

He continued his showboating. Using the Power, he caused what was left of her beer to fly up out of the bottle and shape itself into letters...

Soon Kimbermé could read his beer-message:

"YOU'RE HOT."

* * * * *

Suddenly, the pair was sitting on a bed, in the dark, the fireplace glowing... all right! Tommykan and Kimbermé are about to get it on!

"From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a moment has gone by where I haven't thought of you."

...oh. Or not. Damn.

Christ, I don't know what's worse. That they're not about to partake in some sweet Power Ranger lovin', or that it wasn't the woman that said the above sentance.

"And now that we're together again, I'm in agony!" Tommykan whimpered like a lovesick 14-year-old. "The closer I get to you, the harder it gets. The situation! The harder the situation gets!"

Kimbermé squirmed in her seat. She wondered if there was anything good on TV right now.

"I'm haunted by the totally hot kiss - With tongue! Yes, I felt it! - that you shouldn't have given me," he went on.

Kimbermé was really starting to get uncomfortable now.

"I am tormented by my heart aching into my soul which is destroying the very---" Tommykan was quickly interrupted by the manager.

"Alright already!" Kimbermé snapped, standing up. "Look, Tommykan, I admit you're kinda hunky and all but... You're really crowding my personal space right now and I really don't like you in that way and I just need to, like, clear my head and think everything through and just be really happy with me before I go ahead with any relationships."

"So you do want to be with me!" Tommykan jumped up, grinning like an idiot.

"Don't push it," Kimbermé said.

"Aw man."

* * * * *

Back on Aquitar, Jason was saying his farewells to Aurico and Delphine. In fact, Delphine seemed a little too eager to see Jason out the door. I wonder what the reason was for that, eh?

"Tell your council the first batallions are ready, and remind them, if they need more Putties, it will take time to bake them," Delphine said.

Jason nodded. "I won't forget and... DEAR GOD, YOU'RE UGLY!"

Delphine huffed again, turned tail, and left, never to be seen in the entire saga ever again. Jason grinned and shook his head at a waste of a character. He had hoped that the next time he went on an adventure by himself, he would at least run into some good looking aliens.

Wirez detected this line of thought and his B.S. Alarm blared loudly for Jason to hear.

Jason was getting drenched as he walked back out into the storm. He leapt hundreds of feet in the air towards his Zord... only to land right by its perched head on the landing pad, where Wirez was hooked into his droid socket.

"Wirez!" Jason called out, ignoring the droid's alarm. "Scramble Code 5 to Eltar! And call collect!"

A small transmitter appeared out of Wirez's head and pointed towards the sky. Instantenously, Jason was online with Masters Lerigot and T.J. as they were still watching Kimbermé's shower video. His sudden holographic appearance disrupted the streaming video.

* * * * *

"Goddammit!" both T.J. and Lerigot cursed.

"I have successfully made contact with the prime minister of Aquitar," Jason announced. "They are using a bounty hunter named Darkonda to create a clone army of Putties. I have a strong feeling that this is the assassin we are looking for!"

T.J. and Lerigot glared at Jason for an uncomfortable amount of time. Jason gulped and dared to find out what had pissed them off so much.

"Masters?!" Jason asked, yelling over the loudness of Aquitar's storm.

"A better time, could you not have called back?!" Lerigot yelled.

"But, Master!" Jason pleaded. "I have vital informa---"

"Asshole!" T.J. cursed. "We were in the middle of important Ranger deliberations! Call back later, muthafucka!"

Before Jason could get in another word, Lerigot rashly cut off the transmission. He and T.J. then chuckled to themselves as the tuned back into Kimbermé's infamous showering scene.

* * * * *

"Screw this," Jason told himself. "If you wanna do something right..."

Jason turned back and ran for the city. He had a bet to win and a bounty hunter to arrest!

* * * * *

Back at Eltar, T.J. and Lerigot paused a moment before restarting Kimbermé's video.

"Is now a good time to spit out some throwaway line about a subplot that goes absolutely nowhere as soon as I'm done saying it?" T.J. asked.

"Not now," Lerigot said. "After in the shower, Manager Acrobatica is done."

* * * * *

Tommykan lied in his bed, groaning, sweating, squirming... no it wasn't what you thought it was, he was having an honest to God nightmare-vision-thing.

He mumbled in his sleep... something having to do with his mother, Rita, and probably danger of some sort. Maybe from our version of Tusken Raiders in this story. But what PR troops would we use in place of the Tuskens? Read on to find out!

...Oh, it's the next day already.

Tommykan stood out on the archway that overlooked the nude beach we wrote about earlier. It looked like he was trying to focus on being stoic and strong, but really, he was just weeping bitterly, like Jason and Zordon did before him.

Meanwhile, Kimbermé walked out from her bedroom looking like she just got out of the makeup trailer on the set of a major movie. I mean, seriously, who wakes up in the morning and looks THAT GOOD? NOBODY I TELL YOU! NOBODY!

Anyways, she just wore a simple pink gown and that fit her hourglass figure right down to the curves. Man, she went from denying Tommykan the privilege of ravaging her the other night, to practically wearing clothes that begged him to bed her. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

Okay, enough complaining, on with the funny...

Kimbermé suddenly remembered that she had a Hot Pocket heating up in her bedroom microwave and turned back to get it.

"Don't go," Tommykan groaned.

"I don't want to disturb you," Kimbermé said, when really, all she wanted to do was get her breakfast.

"Your pressence, it soothes my soul. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets!" Tommykan rambled on.

Kimbermé glared at Tommykan, and our poor Ranger remembered that he was trying not to sound like a pre-teen school boy writing his first romance novel. So he quickly changed his tune.

"I mean, uhh," Tommykan droned on.

Kimbermé sighed and resigned herself to not getting her microwaveable food for now. She'd just have to reheat it later. "You had another nightmare last night," she said.

"Power Rangers don't have nightmares," Tommykan rebutted.

"Dude, I totally heard you scream 'Help! I'm having a nightmare!' last night," Kimbermé said.

"I saw my mother, Kimbermé," Tommykan said, ignoring what she'd said. "I saw her clearly as I see you now. I'd forgotten how ugly she was."

Kimbermé wondered if her Hot Pocket could still be warm by now.

"I'm sorry, I know this is all rebelious and everything, but I've got to go help her!" Tommykan cried. "I have to save her!"

Eh, fuck the Hot Pocket, this could be exciting, Kimbermé thought. "I'll go with you," she said.

"YEAH, WELL FUCK YOU TOO, MANAGER!" Tommykan snapped. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT--- oh. Oh, you will? Cool."

* * * * *

This is our last scene on Aquitar, we swear.

When we last left Darkonda and Deviot, they were making a mad dash to get the hell off of the planet. They hastily packed away their belongings into their Zord ship, the aptly named TerrorZord, an immense humanoid robot with a bull's face and a bull's horns.

Unfortunately, our dynanmic duo of bounty hunters, well, one professional bounty hunter and one pip-squeak, didn't get away fast enough. Jason dashed through the door, hot on their tails, not only to arrest them but also to win the bet.

Deviot pointed one of his scrawny arms in Jason's direction and screamed "Dad, look!"

Darkonda whipped his head around and growled to himself. "Daw, shit!"

In classic Power Rangers form, Jason gestured dramatically towards Darkonda as he spoke. "You aren't gonna get away this time, Darkonda! I swear I'll make you pay for all you've done!"

Darkonda raised an eyebrow at Jason. "Uh, you mean kicking back and making millions while ugly Aquitian scientists clone me?"

Jason pointed a strong finger at Darkonda... but realized he didn't have a witty comeback for such a simple explanation. Finally he just whipped out his Powersaber, he was on the clock after all.

Darkonda shook his head and pulled out his sidearm.

"Deviot, get on board!" Darkonda commanded.

Jason dashed towards Darkonda while Deviot hightailed it for the zord. Darkonda squeezed the trigger of his side arm several times, sending powerful bolts of energy Jason's way.

One blast whizzed past Jason's forehead, drawing some blood. And that's when he remembered, he hadn't morphed yet. So if he got shot at this point, there would be a nice, oozing hole in his chest rather than sparks and burn marks on his diamond-shaped Ranger costume. Jason activated his Power Morpher and let loose with the familiar cry:

"TYRANNOSAURUS!"

The iconic helmet materalized out of nowhere, signifying his power. Meanwhile, Darkonda blasted the hell out of him and thus Jason was thrown back from the Force (™ and © Lucasfilm Ltd.) of the weapon.

He struggled to get up and clutched the diamond design on his chest, which, yep, had burn marks and sparked.

"Shit," Jason cursed. "I'm getting goddamn rusty."

Then Jason noticed some more blasts heading his way, courtesy of a now high-flying, jetpacking Darkonda. Jason quickly ducked out of the way while Darkonda took cover behind a nicely designed tall structure on the landing pad.

Deviot, meanwhile, powered up the TerrorZord. The mighty blue machine started coming to life.

The site of the TerrorZord activating distracted Jason long enough for him to be nailed by a yellow lightning blast from Darkonda. The bolt sent Jason flying back again.

Suddenly, the TerrorZord's chest panels opened. Out came a hail of red energy bolts that continued to assault the Red Ranger.

Jason regained his wits just in time to see Darkonda diving straight at him.

"Enough of this shit," Jason growled. "AYE-YAH!"

With a mighty leap, Jason leapt into the air and delivered a rather sweet-looking kick to Darkonda's midsection. Sparks burst from the impact point and the bounty hunter crumpled to the ground. Jason was on him in an instant, landing a few good blows to the face.

Unfortunately, Darkonda chose that moment to unsheathe his sword and jam its blade into Jason's gut. Though protected by his Ranger suit, it was enough to send the Ranger - yes, you guessed it - flying back.

Darkonda once again took to the air, and as Jason tried to use the Power to summon his Powersaber back into his hands, the bounty hunter lassoed his hands together with a grappling chain.

Jason quickly realized he was now attached to the rocketing Darkonda.

"Oh, fuck beans."

Darkonda took Jason on one of the wildest rides of his life. Jason slammed into boxes and crates and carts and wheelbarrels and... wait a minute, what the hell? What was a wheelbarrel doing on Aquitar?

Jason decided he had had enough of Darkonda's foolishness. He Force(™ and © Lucasfilm Ltd.)d himself into a tumble, close by a pillar, and wrapped part of the chain around the pillar so as to pull Darkonda out of the sky.

The plan worked a little too well. Not only did Darkonda ground hard, but he crashed through the freaking movie set that this set the scene was filming on!

Darkonda's abrupt landing injured several people on the set, including the stunt technicians, the caterer, some of the sound recorder guys and even one of the producers.

Not apologizing for what had happened, Darkonda shot back up the hole he created and got back into the fight with Jason. Or at least he would have if he could have remembered what he did with his sidearm.

Then he spotted it on the ground and dove for it... actually, he slipped and chipped one of his teeth, but that's a story for another time.

Darkonda took aim at Jason but failed to realize the Master Ranger was charging him like the aforementioned bull and landed another sweet kick on Darkonda. The red-and-orange bounty hunter went flying off the side of the platform. Unfortunately for him, his jetpack had been badly damaged when he crashed through the set, so he was unable to blast himself to safety.

Jason gestured dramatically again, thinking the battle was over.

But he remembered that he was still wrapped up in Darkonda's chain. And it was rapidly pulling him towards the edge that he just sent Darkonda flying over.

"Fuck beans times two!"

The two combatants slid down, down, down the side of the platform, which they quickly realized was many miles above sea level. Darkonda held out his arm and extended the spikes in its armor plating, and then used them to stab into the metal of the platform. The grappling chain jerked as Jason also came to a stop.

A moment of silence passed.

"I knew this wasn't a good place to hang out," Jason quipped.

"Oh, you die for that," Darkonda growled. He pulled out his sword and sliced the chain off, sending the Red Ranger plummeting to his death.

Slowly yet surely, Darkonda made his way back to the top of the platform. He stayed on his hands and knees momentarily, catching his breath. He eventually stood and nodded to Deviot in the TerrorZord's cockpit, letting his son know he had survived.

He quickly ran to and boarded the TerrorZord. Rockets started firing from the mighty machine's feet and the TerrorZord began lifting into the sky.

In a flash of red, Jason reappeared on the platform.

He had very nearly smashed into the surface of the sea before he remembered he could use his Power Morpher belt buckle to teleport.

"Oh, dammit all," he cursed as he saw that the TerrorZord was airborn.

Having missed out on a really kickass victory with the Power Rangers theme song and everything, he quickly pulled a small Power Box out of his suit and with a mighty, Power-assisted heave, he tossed it at the TerrorZord. The tiny tracking device attached itself to the Zord and started flashing.

Jason, exhausted, fell on his butt and sighed.

"I'm getting too old for this shit."

* * * * *

In space, yet another Dino Thunder Pterodactyl soared through the vast vaccum of the stars. You could even say, they went "across the stars", heheh. Anyways, the planet they were journeying was... oh no, ONYX? I thought we were done with that shithole planet back in Episode I! Oh well... so they were flying to the planet in search of... well, why don't we just show you instead of telling you?

After their ship had landed at the Rock Ridge 3000 spaceport, Tommykan and Kimbermé disembarked and took a Crabby Cabbie into the city, to their first lead. Tommykan was surprisingly quiet during the trip, something that kind of disturbed Kimbermé because she had gotten so used to Tommykan's perverted quips.

They eventually arrived at Squatto's old shop, which they found was in a bit of disarray. Most of the windows were missing, the walls were falling apart and the sign out front had eroded down the middle and now read "Squatto's Spa Arts." Squatto himself wasn't looking too well either, having grown a beard and was wearing a rather ugly-looking hat to keep the sun out of his eyes. He was also missing one of his shoulder-hubcap-things.

He was currently having a pretend argument with a tiny pit droid, and he kicked the damn thing as it annoyed him further. Then he screamed in pain as he realized he had just broken his toes.

Tommykan and Kimbermé had gotten out of their cabbie.

"Wait right there," Tommykan said to the machine.

"Yeah, whatever buddy, you still gotta pay!" the cab creature retorted.

Tommykan then turned his attention to Squatto, who was now weeping bitterly... something that seems to happen to a lot of people who visit this planet.

"Greetings, Squatto," Tommykan said to his former slave owner in the native tongue. "Let me help you with that."

Squatto looked up at Tommykan, not recognizing who he was... and flew into a flurry of punches and kicks, none of which carried much strength behind them.

Clearly, Squatto had gone quite batty over the years.

Tommykan kicked the little bastard in the nuts, and he fell down, howling in pain. Squatto writhed around on the ground in agony. How dare this ass just walk up to his shop and kick him in the... wait, kick him in the nuts?

"Tommy?" Squatto asked. "Little Tommy?"

Crap, he recognizes me, Tommykan thought.

"It is you!" Squatto cried. He jumped to his feet, the impact bringing more pain to his crotch. "Ow... ow..." He winced and ignored it. "And you're a Power Ranger! Whaddya know! Hey, maybe you could gimme a hand with some jerkoffs that owe me a lotta dough?"

"That's not really why I'm here, Squatto," Tommykan said.

"Alright, fine," Squatto nodded. "Well what about that Zordon guy that freed you? Maybe he'd do it! How's he doing?"

"Dead," Tommykan said simply.

"...oh," Squatto said. Then he chuckled. "Hah! I DID outlive him! I knew I would!"

Squatto laughed crazily to himself for a few minutes before stopping and looking up at Tommykan. "So why're you here, Tommy?" he asked, wiping a tear away.

"I'm here for my mother," Tommykan told him.

Squatto gulped. He glanced at Tommykan's Powersaber nervously, then looked back up at Tommykan. "Uhm, yeah, about that..."

Tommykan glared questioningly at the parts dealer. "About what?"

"I don't know how to tell ya this, Tommy, but she's not mine anymore," Squatto said. "I sold her off years ago! It was costing me thousands to keep her in aspirin! I sold her to a guy named Hartford. I think it was that. Coulda been Zordon for all I know... I was pretty drunk at the time. Anyway, I heard that the guy freed her, and then married her! Can you believe that? That stupid, unlucky sunuvabitch! Hahaha!"

Squatto started another laughing fit before noticing Tommykan and Kimbermé glaring at him.

"Uh, yeah, so, uh, I think he's on the opposite side of Rock Ridge 3K," Squatto said, clearing his throat. "Let's go look at my records huh? Ya want? Please don't skin me alive with yer Powersaber, huh?"

Kimbermé followed Squatto and Tommykan inside the shop, wondering where this little side adventure was going to end up. She strangely found herself marveling at the way Tommykan was handling the situation. Marveling... and slightly aroused... and her contractual obligation had nothing to do with how she felt this time, hehehe.

* * * * *

Somewhere else in space, the immense TerrorZord emerged from its lightspeed travel over the planet of Phaedos. Darkonda and Deviot were still cracking up over how badly that idiot Power Ranger Jason got his ass handed to him in that fight back on Aquitar.

That laughter came to an abrupt halt a moment later when their Zord's sensors detected a Red Dragon starfighter emerge from hyperspace behind them and pursuing them on a direct course.

"Daw, shit, dad, I think we're being tracked!" Deviot stated.

"Da hell?!" Darkonda cursed, glancing down at his screen.

It was then that the sensors on the TerrorZord displayed the insignia of a Mall tracking device sitting just above their windshield.

"That cheeky bastard," Darkonda said of Jason. "Hang on son, we're moving into the asteroid field."

Suddenly, the "Asteroid Field" theme from Star Wars started to play over the TerrorZord's sound system.

"WRONG EPISODE!" both Darkonda and Deviot screamed.

The music promptly shut off. Darkonda switched his radio to the Mighty RAW Station because he knew he wanted to groove to something awesome while taking care of his pesky pursuer. A rock beat with a high and fast tempo, typical for a Mighty RAW song, immediately played over the radio. Darkonda and Deviot started to nod their heads... that is, until the lyrics actually started to play.

When you need a hero to protect the place you live
Fighting monsters all around who try to get within
Awesome power, no surrender, Rangers never fall
Look to the sky as they arrive, when you hear this call

Go, Power Rangers!
Fly, Power Rangers!
Win, Power Rangers!
Here we go!

Jason was also listening to this song, and unlike Darkonda and Deviot, he liked what he heard. "Hehehe. Hell yeah, this kicks ass!" he cheered to himself.

Darkonda had had enough of this. Once he was sure that he had Jason perfectly lured into his trap, he activated the TerrorZord's weapon system and unleashed a favorite bomb of his... one that would give Jason quite a charge!

Pun intended.

Wirez screeched as his sensors analyzed the weapon and calculated its destructive yield. Jason wanted to weep bitterly, but he didn't have the time.

"SEISMIC CHARGES OH SHIT!" he screamed.

He twisted the Red Dragon away from the charge just as it released a powerful shockwave that blasted his eardrums beyond their tolerance.

Jason couldn't even hear himself screaming "FUCK!" over and over again as the shockwave continued to follow him and rip thousands of asteroids to shreds around his ship.

Darkonda snickered to himself. "Take this, asshole!"

Another seismic charge deployed from the TerrorZord. Jason again pulled his Zord fighter into a tight turn just as the charge exploded. This time, both the sound of the shockwave and the destructive energy itself seemed the follow the Master Ranger, no matter how skillfully he piloted his Zord through the chaotic asteroid field.

Darkonda noticed the destruction taking place through his Zord's aft camera. He growled as he saw the Red DragonZord still mostly in one piece.

"Cheeky bastard doesn't seem to take a hint," Darkonda growled. With a flick of the controls, Darkonda sent the TerrorZord flying into the hole of a particularly gigantic asteroid.

"But Dad," Deviot began. "The chances of successfully navigating this asteroid are precisely---"

"Finish that sentance and you're grounded forever," Darkonda growled.

Jason, meanwhile, was right on their tails. The Red Dragon soared into the giant asteroid and expertly navigated through the treacherous tunnels.

The TerrorZord, however, came dangerously close to smashing into the asteroid's "ceiling."

"Watch out!" Deviot cried.

"IT'S A TRAP!"

"Where the hell did Admiral Ackbar come from? Darkonda asked.

"No idea," Deviot responded.

Seconds later, both the TerrorZord and the Red Dragon burst from the massive cave, leaving the asteroid behind them.

Suddenly, the giant white asteroid worm stuck its head out of the cave exit.

"Wait, I wasn't paying attention, come back!" it roared. "GET IN MAH BELLY!"

Meanwhile, the TerrorZord had managed to swing around and end up behind the Red Dragon. The evil machine fired devious blasts from its chest and head horns that the Red Dragon was just barely avoiding.

Suddenly, one the the blasts struck Wirez in the head. But since he's not Circuit, he doesn't get to do the famous "WOOOOAAAAAH!" scream. Screw him.

In the TerrorZord cockpit, Deviot was pleased. "We got him!" he cried.

"Now we just need to finish him off, once and for all!" Darkonda cackled. He pressed a button on the control panel.

Suddenly, within the TerrorZord's right hand appeared a giant axe. With a mighty heave, the TerrorZord sent the axe spinning at the Red Dragon. Now spinning like a buzzsaw, the axe seemed to start homing in on Jason's Zord.

And the music in the scene kicked up a few notches, which meant Jason was definitely in trouble. Like being back in a speeder with Tommykan on Eltar, Jason weaved and bobbed his Zord around every possible rock that could cover his tracks. But nope, this buzzsaw followed him everywhere and it was closing in on him with a vengeance.

Jason knew what he had to do to get out of this alive.

And unfortunately, it was going to cost something that was very dear to him.

"Wirez, prepare to jettison my spare porn canisters!"

Each of those canisters contained hundreds of data-spheres worth of the best alien porn the galaxy had ever seen.

The buzzsaw locked onto the canisters and targeted them for detonation. In a second, hundreds of hours of the best scenes of "getting it on" were destroyed instantly.

And Jason bitterly wept... he knew he should have backed up those files before he left Eltar...

Back on the TerrorZord, Darkonda couldn't help but to smirk at the destruction he caused.

"Well, dramatic irony aside, we won't be seeing him again," he quipped to Deviot.

Deviot laughed deviously in return.

As the TerrorZord descended into the planet's atmosphere, we the audience, of course noting that Jason can't be killed for another two episodes, watch and see the reveal of the Red DragonZord hiding and nicely curled up onto one asteroid floating away from the planet.

Yeah, who didn't see that one coming, right?

* * * * *

As the TerrorZord flew down to Phaedos' surface, it approached a series of large, factory-like buildings.

A secret door opened up in the ground nearby, and the TerrorZord descended within.

* * * * *

Meanwhile, back at the asteroid...

"Well, Wirez, I think we've been playing I Spy long enough," Jason noted.

Wirez hooted in agreement.

The Red Dragon roared to life and sped down to Phaedos' surface. As he scanned for a place to land, Jason noticed something.

"There's a large concentration of Machine Empire ships down there, Wirez," he said.

Wirez chirped.

Within moments, the Red Dragon had landed behind a series of rocky, jagged mountains. Jason leapt from his Zord and moved in to investigate.

* * * * *

Back on Onyx, the Pterodactyl ship had landed near the dwelling of who they hoped was the person they were looking for. They were a bit ticked when Squatto had shown them his records - his old, antique vinyl records. But then he found the receipt from when he had sold Rita.

Tommykan and Kimbermé made their way towards the farm, with Circuit fluttering behind them.

"Stay with the ship, Circuit," Kimbermé instructed.

Oh, up yours, Circuit thought, flying back to the ship while chirping a series of cuss words.

As the two got closer to the dwelling they crossed paths with a humanoid droid with a hockey puck-shaped head. There was a lightning bolt-shaped hole in the chest. The droid's plating was black and rusted.

The only color on it was its red, visor-like eye.

"Oh, hello there," the droid said in a rather cheerful voice. "Can I help you? My name is Alpha---"

"...Five?" Tommykan interrupted, suddenly realizing who the droid was.

"Bw---th---maker!" the droid, indeed Alpha 5, stammered. "Aye yi yi yi yi! Master Tommy! I knew you'd return one day! Aye yi yi! And Miss Kimberme, you're here, too! Aye yi yi yi yi!"

I think I overdid it on the Aye yi yis, Tommykan thought.

I think Tommykan overdid it on the Aye yi yis, Kimbermé thought. "Hey there, Alpha," she said instead.

"Oh, happy day," Alpha said. "I'm so glad to see you two again!"

"I've come to see Mom, Alpha," Tommykan said. "Where is she?"

Alpha suddenly went rigid. "Oh, uhm, aye yi yi. I think you'd better come with me."

Alpha lead Tommykan and Kimbermé down into the sandpit's homier hovel on the second floor, where a dark haired young man with a slight beard appeared to be cleaning some kind of tool. What this tool was for we'll never know, but once again the evil Hip-Hop Kido industries was behind its creation so no doubt it couldn't have been anything good.

Anyway, onto the introductions of the characters who are gonna die horribly in Episode IV.

"Master Leanbow," Alpha 5 began. "Might I present two most important visitors, aye yi yi!"

"I'm Tommykan Skydragon, the Evil Green Ranger!" Tommykan said of himself.

And as if that wasn't enough to give everyone pause:

"MUHUHAHAHAHA!" Tommykan laughed.

He then coughed and cleared his throat. "Sorry, I swear to God that never happens."

Leanbow shook his head and sighed.

"Leanbow Lars, and this my hot girlfriend Udonna," Leanbow replied.

Udonna, the pretty red haired girl with a bust to match Kimbermé's bounced over to Tommykan and waved her hand excitedly.

"HELLO!" she greeted.

Kimbermé took a moment to luxuriantly gesture to herself.

"And I'm Kimbermé Acrobatica, former Queen of Angel Grove and currently a Manager in the Galactic Mall."

Leanbow and Udonna blinked twice at the same time and then turned back to Tommykan.

"So, I guess I'm your stepbrother," Leanbow finally said after that brief silence.

Kimbermé gasped and glared at Leanbow, not believing just how easily she had been ignored.

"I had a feeling we might meet someday," Leanbow continued. "By the way, your mom is weird."

"Yeah, you're---HEY! SCREW YOU ASSHOLE!" Tommykan roared. "Is my mother here?!"

"No, she's not," an offscreen voice from a lame character replied.

Tommykan turned to see a wretched sight. A broken, middle aged man, sitting in a hover chair with only one leg... and a Hawaiian shirt. Seriously, a Hawaiian shirt on a desert planet? That's like wearing a turban to an airport, it just doesn't go together!

The broken man offered a handshake to Tommykan. "Andrew Hartford Lars. Rita's my wife."

Leanbow shuddered when he heard that, but thankfully Tommykan didn't see.

"We should go inside, we have a lot to talk about. Including how lately I've been studying the Kama Sutra," Andrew said.

Tommykan didn't know if he wanted to follow the man inside to the kitchen... but what choice did he have?

So, they went to the kitchen, where Udonna, who was now strangely dressed as a French maid, served everyone pints of the best beer in the galaxy. Not to be out-sexed, Kimbermé removed part of facy dress that revealed her ample cleavage.

In short, there was a lot of bouncing going on.

"Your mother had gone out early, like she always does to pick 'shrooms that grow on the vaporators, when they took her, a hunting party of Tenga Warriors," Andrew explained. He then downed his pint to drown out his sorrow. "Ugh, from the tracks it looked like she was halfway home... but she probably got so drugged up from the 'shrooms that she couldn't think of a good place to hide in."

Tommykan couldn't quite believe what he was hearing, but it probably made sense. But for the sake of the story, let's just say he looked very worried.

"Yeah, that, plus she's a bit of an idiot, always using the same tactic again and again, even when it always fails. No wonder she got so many headaches," Leanbow mentioned while his father cried.

Tommykan was seriously wanting to kick this guy's ass, but he needed more information first.

"Thirty of us went after her... but we got lost in the desert and a lot of us died of dehydration, so only four of us came back. I'd be out there with them right now, but after I lost my leg I just couldn't riot anymore... until I heal..." Andrew continued.

Tommykan smacked his forehead. He couldn't possibly see why his mother married such a dumbass. Maybe after Zordon had flat out rejected her, she just got desperate. If he ever found her that was something he would definitely need to ask.

"I don't wanna give up on her..." Andrew breathed. "But I gave up on her."

"Wow," Tommykan said in disgust. "That was redundant. I'm gonna go find my mother now."

He then stood up from the table.

"Where are you going?" Andrew asked.

"Are you serious?" Tommykan scoffed. "I just told you!"

"Your mother's been destroyed, son. Accept it," Andrew pleaded.

"Hah, after seeing how all you weirdos act I think I'd rather become an Evil Space Alien!" Tommykan bellowed.

And for some reason, Kimbermé found all that drivel very mature, coming from Tommykan.

* * * * *

Later, Tommykan was outside the farm. He was watching the two suns set. The famous, dramatic piece of music from Episode IV began to stir...

...only to be interrupted by Kimbermé emerging from the dwelling. She has apparently tried to one-up Udonna again, because she had ripped her dress enough to show off her midriff.

"These are good people, Kimbermé," Tommykan said. "Stay here. You'll be safe. Well, unless you go pick mushrooms in the morning. Don't do that, and you'll be safe."

"Oh, Tommykan," Kimbermé sighed. She was worried for him - she knew he was about to embark upon a dangerous, potentially deadly mission, so she was very concerned he might never return.

Plus, she thought the whole "knight-in-shining-armor" bit was hot.

As she hugged him farewell, neither of them noticed that Tommykan's shadow was now apparently two feet taller, skinless and wearing a metal faceplate.

Weird.

"I won't be long," Tommykan said. As he boarded a Battle Bike, the Episode IV music returned in full force and sent the Power Ranger off with style.

But as soon as that famous theme was done, it was replaced by another. One that accompanied Tommykan as he blasted forth through the desert...

Go, Green Ranger, go!
Go, Green Ranger, go!

Goldar's gonna get you tonight!
Don't let Evil Rita put a spell on your might!

Go, Green Ranger...
GO, GREEN RANGER, GO, GO!

Tommykan had no idea who the hell Goldar was or why his mother would put a spell on his might (whatever the hell that meant), but it was a kickass tune and it revved him up for the upcoming rescue.

[Alex Rider]

This is great! Keep it up!

[Darky]

LOL at the South Park refrence.

[MegaZeo]

Back on Phaedos, Jason was sneaking around, trying to find that bastard Darkonda so he could defeat him with a proper Power Ranger finishing move. And he'd be damned if T.J. was gonna do it before him!

Although why his fellow Master Ranger suddenly popped into his mind, he didn't know. He dismissed the thought and went about his searching.

Anyways, Jason found himself walking up the steps of an enormous rock structure that lead into a cave. And since he didn't see any other enormous caves nearby where Darkonda's ship had disappeared, he figured this was as good of a place as any to search.

Jason also flipped through his copy of the script, which certainly helped.

"Jason looks this way, and that way, until he walks over to a ledge and suddenly sees a Cog Foun---HELLO!" Jason suddenly shrieked.

He looked over the aforementioned ledge and saw a huge foundry that was assembling Cogs, Drill Masters, and other warriors faster than you could say "Machine Empire."

Well, this sucks, Jason thought to himself. He also checked his Tommykan Making-Out Sensor that was in his pocket and found he set the damn thing to vibrate. The sensor displayed that Tommykan had smooched Kimbermé once already, which sucked because it meant that Jason had lost the bet!

Great, now I'm gonna have to start being nicer to that bastard. Eh, I'll be a dick and save that for the next episode, Jason continued to muse.

Jason walked away from the ledge and rounded a long walk way. The Master Ranger found that he was not alone in this structure, for he soon heard a gathering of voices in the room ahead.

"We must persuade the Dai Shi Clan and the Stone Canyon Alliance to sign the treaty," a VILE voice bellowed.

Oh yeah, that's right, bitches. You know who this is.

"But what about the Manager from Angel Grove? Is she dead yet? I'm not signing your treaty until I have her head on my desk... but then again she is hot, maybe I could turn her into a robotic pleasure slave," Finister's pathetic voice said.

"Your perversions aside, I am an Evil Space Alien of my word, Viceroy," Master Vile retorted.

Jason heard those familar voices coming by and decided that now would be a good time to hide in a conveniently placed crevice. He hid his presence using the Power and hoped to God that Master Vile didn't hear him muttering curses over and over.

"With these new Silo droids we've built for you, you'll have the finest army in the galaxy!" another evil voice, the diabolical King Mondo, proudly declared.

All three of the dastardly villians had passed Jason by, not seeing or hearing the Master Ranger curse to himself with even more elaborate expletives as the aliens revealed themselves.

Jason breathed a sigh of relief, but knew he needed to play I Spy for a little while longer. He found yet another set of stairs to climb, and was getting winded, and came to an upper chamber that overlooked a huge conference room where not only the three previous villians sat, but an entire council of Evil Space Aliens had convened. Probably for nothing good either.

"As I explained to you earlier," Master Vile said. "I'm quite convinced that 10,000 more systems of shoppers will rally to our stores with your support of them."

An alien affectionately known as Mama D, we'll never know why, didn't think this was such a good idea.

"What you're proposing could be construed as treason!"

For some reason, even though she said those words in perfect english, subtitles appeared beneath her head anyway.

"The Hip Hop Kido Industry's army," King Mondo began, but was suddenly interrupted by a blast of "MAMA'S GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!" He turned some dials on his face which turned the music off.

"Ahem," Mondo cleared his throat. "They're at your disposal, Vile."

A young man in black armor who appeared to have a stick up his ass spoke next. "The Dai Shi Clan will sign your treaty!" growled Dai Shi, who apparently lacked a good deal of creativity when he named his clan.

"Ah, good, good," Master Vile acknowledged. "Our friends from the Machine Empire have pledged their support..."

Viceroys Finster and Baboo nodded.

"Now, wait just a second," King Mondo interrupted. "This has been bugging me for a while now. Why aren't I the leader of the Machine Empire? I mean, DUH. Why the hell are Finster and Baboo the viceroys of an entirely robotic invasion force and I'm stuck as a character you barely see past right now? What kind of dumbass is writing this piece of---"

Oh, shut up, you. Back to the story.

"...and when their battle droids combine with yours, we shall have an army greater than any in the galaxy," Vile announced. "Unless of course, someone makes an army of cloned Putties. But really, what're the chances of that?"

The other villains nodded their argreement.

"When we unleash our army," Vile continued. "The Power Rangers will be destroyed and the Mall will be forced to give into any demands we make."

To celebrate this news, the villains took part in a group diabolical laughter. Cause that's what villains do.

* * * * *

Back on Onyx, and because of the timing of the story, Tommykan had found the Tengas' nest in a plain open field complete with a huge, flashing, neon sign that pointed towards their location and said "TENGA'S NEST HERE."

The vile birds were in the middle of some unholy party. They squawked and danced to some funky movie music that was very remeniscient of their theme in the MMPR movie.

Tommykan shook his head at their horrible dance moves. He noticed that they had left the right portion of their nest unguarded save for two guards that stood vigil by a nest which also had a big neon sign that read "RITA SKYDRAGON IS HERE."

Tommykan realized that subtlety was not in the bird's nature and leapt down from the cliff he was perched on. But in his eagerness to reach his mother, Tommykan forgot to cushion his fall with a wave of the Power... and landed with a terrible rolling thud. Very similar to what Jason did back on Aquitar...

He dusted himself off and quickly whipped his head from side to side to see if he had alerted the Tengas to his pressence. Thankfully, and also because of the nature of the scene, they were oblivious to his crash landing and went on singing and dancing as if they weren't about to get slaughtered in the next few minutes.

Tommykan activated his green Powersaber and quickly cut through the dirt and twigs that made up a Tenga nest. He knocked out the guards who were... standing guard and happened upon where his mother was being held.

Contrary to what you dear readers might be thinking, Rita looked perfectly fine... well, about as fine as an evil old hag can look anyway. She was sleeping in the nest right next to her bundle of "shrooms" and a jug of the finest wine one could purchase on Onyx.

Yeah, something was seriously wrong with this picture. But then how was that different from the rest of this story?

Tommykan shook Rita's shoulder to get her awake. Rita slowly opened her eyes, as if coming off of a high dose of drugs, and slowly registered the appearance of her son.

"Ah! Tommy! Is that you?!" Rita's shrill voice asked.

Tommykan rubbed his ears. He had not been used to hearing the sound of his mother's terrible voice in some time.

"It's me, mom! You're safe!" Tommykan cried.

Rita grinned and handed Tommykan a shroom. "Want one? They'll take you places YOU'VE NEVER BEEN!"

Tommykan smacked his forehead. Hard. "I've been looking all over this goddamned desert for you for the past twelve hours and I find you piss-drunk and getting high on 'shrooms?!"

Rita caressed Tommykan's face in a motherly way. "Ah! My son! My grown up son! Now we can finally conquer Earth!"

Tommykan growled, he had had enough of this.

"I can't believe this shit! I've been agonizing over these nightmares of you in pain for months... nightmares that drowned out my erotic dreams of Kimbermé and you... you...!"

Rita gasped. "Oh! You've been having nightmares? No wonder this stupid Crystal Ball Of Dreams wasn't working right. It was suppose to be terrifying Andy, but for some reason it must have been set to you. My bad!"

And that was when Tommykan snapped.

He screamed a cry of anger to the skies... and began to chuckle. That chuckle turned to giggles. And those giggles transformed into a full fledged fit of evil laughter.

"MUHUHAHAHAHAH! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAH! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Tommykan's eyes glowed Green With Evil and set their sights on the nearby Tengas. Tommykan activated his Powersaber and... well, you know what happens next.

Oh, and Rita died because of overdosing on shrooms. Pity.

* * * * *

Back on Eltar, Master Lerigot was meditating within the Command Center. Suddenly, the silence was shattered by the echoing voice of desceased Power Ranger Master Zordon.

"No, Green Ranger! Stop! Immediately! You mustn't do this! Stop! Tommy, nooo!"

Lerigot stared into space as the door opened and in walked Master T.J.

"What the hell was that?" T.J. asked.

"Hit the fan, some serious shit just did," Lerigot said. "Pain, suffering. Young Skydragon is in pain. Terrible pain."

"Hah, Manager Acrobatica deny him her sweet ass again?" T.J. cracked.

Lerigot glared at him. "No, like actual, sincere pain this time."

"Oh..." T.J. said. "Uhm... nevermind then."

* * * * *

On Phaedos, Jason was trying to make contact with his fellow Rangers on Eltar.

"Crap, I can't get a signal to Eltar, it's too far off," he complained. "Wirez, can you boost the power or something?"

Wirez chirped negatively.

"Well maybe we can get Tommykan on Angel Grove, that's much closer," Jason thought. "Get in contact with him."

Wirez chirped again.

"What do you mean he's not on Angel Grove?" Jason asked. "Oh, son of a bitch. That little... well, where is he, then? Widen the range."

Wirez took a minute, then chirped the answer.

"Onyx?!" Jason cried. "What in the fuck is he doing there?! I told him to... Yes, get in contact with him."

As Wirez did just that, Jason sighed. "I do hope nothing's happened to him... and if nothing has, I'll kill him."

What neither of them knew was that they'd just been spotted by a Sting Winger.

"He'd better not be doing something foolish," Jason grumbled, knowing full well the double meaning of his words. "Tommykan? Tommykan, do you copy? This is Jason-Lee Kenobi!"

* * * * *

Back on Onyx, and inside the Dino Thunder Pterodactyl, Circuit was watching fembot oil wrestling on the holo viewer. As he chirped lustfully at the action scene taking place, the signal was suddenly interrupted by the gruff image of Jason.

Circuit chirped what could only be a curse in his digital bird language and tried to process the signal as cleanly as he could so he could get back to the good stuff.

"Tommykan," Jason's garbled voice called out. "My long-range Red Dragon transmitter has been knocked out. Re-transmit this message to Eltar!"

Good, Circuit thought. Let those Power Ranger buttholes deal with this.

But back outside, things weren't so cheery.

Tommykan had just returned on the Battle Bike... with a body bag. The hovel's inhabitants - Andrew, Leanbow, and Udonna - along with Kimbermé all exited to the top level to greet Tommykan, only to have the their joyous mood immediately turn sour.

God, this scene is depressing. Let's just say Tommykan walked in looking all sad and mopey and everyone else was also all sad and mopey.

Well, except for Leanbow, because he never really liked Rita in the first place.

Things were made even worse by the fact that when Tommykan walked in and unzipped the body bag, he was horrified to see that he had packed in the wrong corpse.

He had just brought a Tenga home...

* * * * *

So, a couple of hours later, the scene repeated, only this time, the correct corpse was brought back.

Tommykan had already burried the body, but the others wanted to have Rita's funeral service later because... well... there was a football game on.

So we find Tommykan trying to take his mind off of the current events by fixing... something. What is it anyway? A fridge? The Battle Bike? Can't really tell from this angle.

So Kimbermé walked in, looking hot as usual after waking up in the morning, only this time she was down to her underwear. WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE!

I guess that means she's now fully committed to her contract now, eh? Heheh, yeah! Go Tommykan, you've got a hot babe trying distract ya! Go for broke, dude! Ooooh! Look! She even brought you lunch!

"I brought you something, y'hungry?" Kimbermé asked in a sexy whisper.

Of course, Tommykan was in full on angsty bitch mode, so Kimbermé might as well have been wearing drapes and it wouldn't have mattered.

"The shifter broke," Tommykan began his rant. "Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things. Or kicking ass. Yeah, just like in Fight Club. I was good at kicking ass. Always was, but... Why'd she have to be so doped up? And why did she use the Crystal Ball of Dreams to give me nightmares?! And why am I such a newb who's totally fucking incompetent?!" Tommykan whined.

Kimbermé rolled her eyes. She knew the best thing to do in this case was to let Tommykan rant and rave and hopefully this would pass. But she'd figure she'd try something anyway.

So Kimbermé put on some dance music and did a fair bit of shaking her rump, just like in those YouTube videos you've seen. You know the ones.

"Sometimes there's thing's no one can fix," Kimbermé said in between her dance moves. "You're not like, all powerful and stuff, Tommy."

"Well I should be!" he whined. "Someday I will be! Honest! I will be the most powerful Power Ranger ever, and take the focus away from all the other Power Rangers until it seems like they're just my back-up! I promise you, I will even learn to stop people from dying!"

"Whoa-kay," Kimbermé said, taking a slight step back, toward the door.

"It's all Jason's fault!" Tommykan cried. "He's jealous! HE'S HOLDING ME BACK! LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOONE!!"

"Tommykan, what's wro---wait, what?" Kimbermé asked. Then she shook her head and started over. "What's wrong? Besides the whole 'your-mother-being-dead' thing."

"I... I killed them," Tommykan said simply. "I killed them all. They're dead. Which is what happens to things you kill. And not just the men... the women... and the chicks, too. I KILLED THEM. AND THEN I PUT BARBECUE SAUCE ON THEM. AND THEN I ROASTED THEM OVER AN OPEN FIRE. AND THEN I ATE THEM. AND THEY DIDN'T TASTE TOO GOOD. I DIDN'T LIKE THEIR FLAVOR. I HATE THEIR FLAVOR!"

It was then that the composer decided to interject a none-too-subtle rendition of the Lord Zedd Theme into the score. You know, just in case anyone watching/reading this was completely retarded.

This is so hot, Kimbermé thought as she sat down next to him. "To be angry is totally human," she told him.

"I'm a Power Ranger," he argued.

"You're a human Power Ranger," she pointed out.

Tommykan opened his mouth to argue the point further, when he suddenly noticed Kimbermé and stopped.

"...why are you in your underwear?"

* * * * *

The football game was currently in its halftime show, so the Lars family had decided that it would be a good time to have Rita's funeral.

Andrew said some stuff about Rita being a loving partner and a wonderful companion, and how he had been studying the Kama Sutra and what he wanted to do... I'll just stop that sentence right there.

Kimbermé and Udonna were glaring at each other, seething with hatred. Each girl knew they were the hottest - why didn't the other see that?

Well, now it was Tommykan's turn to say something meaningful. Go on, Tommy. Say something.

"DRAGONZORD!"

Tommykan suddenly morphed into his full-fledged Power Ranger uniform, golden shield, green helmet and all. And as he spoke, he looked up to sky and clenched his fist in diabolical determination.

Udonna sneered at Kimbermé, and that set the manager off. She leapt at Udonna, hissing "Bitch!" as she flew. The duo crashed to the sandy ground.

Nobody noticed, and Tommy continued.

"RITA! AS MY EMPRESS, I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU COMMAND! I WILL HELP YOU CONQUER EARTH AND DESTROY THOSE PATHETIC POWER RANGERS ONCE AND FOR ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Tommy's voice echoed across the flat land, causing many people in the nearby city of Rock Ridge 3000 to collective mutter "WTF?"

"Slut!"

"Whore!"

Kimbermé and Udonna continued to roll around in the sand, beating the shit out of each other and tearing what little clothing they had left.

Those still paying attention to the funeral didn't think much of Tommykan's outburst, instead just dismissing it as Tommykan blowing off some steam.

Of course, when Tommykan caused the Sword of Darkness to materialize out of nowhere, stuck its blade in the ground and it split open a massive crevasse in the ground with a terrible fury, for some reason generating dark storm clouds overhead... no one still thought anything of it.

The whole tirade was broken when Circuit fluttered over to Alpha 5 and chirped a string of words that no one understood.

"Circuit? What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay on the goddamn ship!" Kimbermé yelled, lifting her head up from her scuffle with Udonna, which she was currently winning. Udonna, now with two black eyes, tried to avoid the blood dripping from Kimbermé's nose.

Alpha turned to his ignorant human keepers and translated Circuit's words.

"He seems to be carrying a message from a Jason-Lee Kenobi. Master Tommy, does that name mean anything to you?" Alpha politely asked.

Suddenly, Tommy's uniform, the Sword of Darkness and the mysterious storm clouds disappeared. Tommykan went back to looking like the innocent man-child he was suppose to be looking like in this movie.

Oh, and before we switch scenes, Andrew died as well. Turns out looking at those provacative images in the Kama Sutra was too much for his broken heart. So... yeah...

* * * * *

So back in the cockpit of the Pterodactyl, Tommykan finally relayed Jason's message to Eltar and watched as it played on his holoviewer as well.

* * * * *

Jason's message played before a congregated thong... er, throng, of the galaxy's most important people.

That pretty much means the only important people in this story. Kaplantine, his Prime Minister Mordant, some miscelleanous managers and characters we'll never see again, plus T.J. and Lerigot.

"Sorry to disturb your porn, but I've come to report that I've tracked the bounty hunter Darkonda to the droid foundries on Phaedoes. The Machine Empire is to take delivery of an army here, and it's clear that Viceroy Finster is behind the assassination attempts on Manager Acrobatica. Yes, Tommy, I know, I lost the bet," Jason humbly said.

* * * * *

Back on Onyx, Tommykan cocked his fist back and cheered.

"HAHAHA! IN YO FACE, JACKASS!"

* * * * *

The recording of Jason grumbled and shook his head.

"Undoubtedly, my apprentice is gloating, so I'll just move on right now. Anyways, Hip Hop Kido Industries and the Dai Shi Clan have both pledged their armies to Master Vile, and... yes, Kimbermé, you were right about Master Vile. My props to you as well," Jason forced through his teeth.

* * * * *

Kimbermé did her own cheer.

"Hahahaha! IN YO FACE TIMES TWO, YOU POWER JACKASSES!"

* * * * *

"In closing, all these guys are getting together and are forming a... wait! Wait!" Jason warned.

And in a complete violation of character and Power Ranger ability, the holo message showed Jason getting pwned by a single Drill Master! Which is stupid because he and Zordon were deflecting their blasts like nothing in the last story!

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!

"More happening on Phaedos than has been revealed, I fear," Lerigot said.

"I agree," T.J. said. "Especially since he didn't finish what he was saying."

The Master Ranger turned to face Tommykan through the transmission.

"Tommykan, we will deal with Master Vile. You must stay where you are and protect that fine, foxy manager at all costs. That is your first priority, muthafucka!"

* * * * *

Tommykan frowned. "Understood, Master."

The transmission cut off.

"...they'll totally not get there in time!" Kimbermé said, now clad in a tight pink top that easily... wow. Must be cold in the Pterodactyl.

"Look, Tommykan," she said. "Phaedos is less than a parsec away, which are things the Millennium Falcon does."

"If he's still alive," Tommykan muttered.

"Tommy, are you just gonna totally sit here and let him get painfully murdered by Cogs 'n' stuff?" Kimbermé asked. "He's your friend, your mentor---"

"He's like my father!" Tommykan said. "Even though I never knew my father... but that's beside the point! Master T.J. gave me strict orders to do... something. I wasn't really listening, actually."

"He gave you strict orders to protect me," Kimbermé said. "And I'm hauling my hot ass to Phaedos."

Tommykan smiled, finally showing off an emotion that wasn't related to whining. "You kick all sorts of ass, you know that?" he asked.

Behind them, Alpha (having been reclaimed by Tommykan under the grounds of "Or else I'll cut you with my Powersaber") strapped himself into a seat.

Circuit chirped at him.

"Aye yi yi, Circuit, I'm not nervous," he explained. "I'm fuckin' terrified!"

With a roar, the Pterodactyl blasted into the... well, wait, no. With a fairly loud sound, the Pterodactyl lazily rose into the sky, eventually reaching the atmosphere at some point during that same day. Or not.

Either way, the rescue of Jason*-Lee Kenobi was underway!

* * * * *

"The Dai Shi Clan is preparing for war," said Ernie Rabeciuj, who - holy crap I forgot all about him! "There can be no doubt of that."

"Master Vile must have made a treaty with them," Kaplantine said.

"The debate is over!" declared some... really ugly looking alien. "Now we need that Putty army!"

"Unfortunately, the debate is not over," Ernie snapped, pausing briefly to take a sip of his smoothie. "The Mall will never approve the use of Putties before the seperatists attack!"

"This is a crisis," spoke Kaplantine's right-hand, uh, thing, Zeltrax.

"No shit, Sherlock."

Everyone looked around to see who said it. Lerigot looked around innocently and whistled.

Unable to find who said it, Zeltrax continued. "The Mall must grant the Chancellor emergency powers. He can then approve the creation of an army. Or that all hot chicks must wear skimpy bikinis 24/7. You know, all sorts of things."

Kaplantine mock-frowned. "But what manager would have the courage to do propose a thing?"

Zeltrax nodded. "If only Manager Acrobatica were here."

Everyone in the room turned to face Rito Revolto.

"Got-dayum," Rito groaned. "They always look at me whenever shit's about to go down..."

* * * * *

Back on Phaedos, Jason was in deep shit.

Well, to be more accurate, he was captured and held in weird misty chamber that was green. There windows that looked out onto a fake looking starfield, but those windows had metal bars that prevented one from escaping. But, Jason mused, if one was in some sort prison that looked out into space, why would they try to escape? Especially if they had no space suit?!

Suddenly, Master Vile teleported in. Jason's first instinct was to morph and beat the crap out of this guy, but his Power Morpher was missing, so he was tempoarily screwed at the moment.

"Traitor!" Jason screamed. "You betrayed the Power Rangers! You betrayed Eltar! You betrayed the whole galaxy!"

Master Vile rolled his eyes and smashed Jason over the head with the hilt of his Powersaber.

"DAW SHIT!" Jason cried out in pain and gingerly rubbed his head.

"You've got the wrong idea about me, my young friend," Master Vile finally said in reply. "I have no idea why they imprisoned you here in the Dark Dimension. I just wanted you tied up and placed onto a train track. Now that would have been funny. This place is kinda dull."

"Could have fuckin' fooled me," Jason said with as much sarcasm and venom as he could muster.

Master Vile shrugged off Jason's accusation. "This had nothing to do with me, I assure you. I'll make sure you get set free in time to watch the latest round of Manager Acrobatica's hidden shower scene."

Admittedly, Jason liked that idea.

"Well, I hope it doesn't take too long, I really wanna see that," he said. "Everyone says it's very good."

"Indeed it is," Vile agreed. "But may I ask what a Power Ranger Knight is doing all the way out here on Phaedos? I mean, besides meeting a hot girl who could give you Ninja Powers?"

"There are hot girls here who give you Ninja Powers?" Jason asked, genuinely interested. Then he shook his head. "I mean, I'm tracking down a creepy bounty hunter named Darkonda. You know him?"

"There are no bounty hunters here," Vile said. "The Phaedosians... is that right? 'Phaedosian?' Anyway, they don't trust bounty hunters."

"That's great, but he's here nonetheless, I assure you," Jason said.

"You know, it's a shame our paths never crossed before, Jason," Vile said. "Zordon always spoke very highly of you."

Jason burst into laughter.

"We talking about the same Zordon here?"

Vile glared at him. "Regardless, I wish he were still alive. I could use his help."

"ZOR-DON JINN WOULD NEVER JOIN YOU!" Jason cried, channeling a character from a future episode.

"Don't be so sure, Power Ranger," Vile said. "Remember he was once my apprentice as you were his. He knew all about the stupidity in the Mall but he never would've gone along with it if he learned the truth as I have."

"The truth?" Jason asked.

"It's the opposite of lying," Vile explained.

"Not that!" Jason snapped. "I mean what truth are you talking about?"

Master Vile paced around Jason to build the anticipation for what he was about to reveal. Surely it was going to mean something diabolically eventful, that it was going to blow us out of our proverbial socks!

"What if I was to tell you that the Mall was now under the control of the Dark Lord of the Evil Space Aliens?" Vile asked, well, vilely.

"NO WAY! THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" Jason replied. "The Power Rangers would never let that happen!"

Master Vile rubbed his ears. "Why the hell are you yelling like that?"

Jason blushed and looked away from pure embarassment.

"Anyway," Vile continued. "The Dark Side of the Power has clouded their ability to see into next week's episode. And hundreds of managers are now under the influence of an Evil Space Alien called Ivan Ooze."

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" Jason continued to scream.

Vile glared at Jason again. "What did I just tell you about yelling?"

Jason looked away again.

"So, the Viceroy of the Machine Empire was once in league with this Ivan Ooze," Vile continued. "That's kind of how we got the whole plot of Episode I, for all those who came into this a bit late. Anyways, Finster came to me for help. He told me everything. Including how much of a dumbass Baboo was."

And now came the big selling point. Vile knew he had Jason for the hook and the line, now it was time for the sinker.

"You must join me, Jason-Lee! And together, we will destroy the Evil Space Aliens!" Vile declared loudly.

Jason nodded his head and smirked at Vile.

"Do I look like Tommy's son to you?" Jason snidely asked.

Vile frowned at Jason.

"God, this guy is a jackass," the Evil Space Alien cursed as he teleported away.

* * * * *

Back on Eltar... oh, screw it. You know what happens next, right?

"Blah, blah, blah, let's give Kaplantine emergency powers!" Rito pleaded with his fellow managers and representatives.

...that was the extent of Rito's speech to the Mall about why the managers should give Kaplantine his emergency powers to defend them against the evil seperatist stores. In fact, he didn't even mention those additional and important facts.

And yet, everyone clapped, cheered, hooted, howled and applauded in agreement.

Even Kaplantine and his aides were a bit surprised, but what the hell? Gotta go with the will of the people, right? Kaplantine put on his best crying act and acted superbly as he choked up over the next bit of his speech.

"It is with... great reluctance that I have agreed to this hearing... I love... I love... I LOVE DEMOCRACY! I LOVE THE REPUBLIC...!"

Kaplantine then broke down into a fit of howlering and tears. The rest of the mall managers proceeded to do the same.

Lerigot and T.J., who had gathered near the manager's hoverpods, rolled their eyes and grumbled over the shenanigans that were taken place.

Kaplantine wiped his eyes and sniffled before continuing. "The power you give me..." his voice squeaked. "I will lay down when this crisis has abated!"

Everyone cried as much as they cheered, save for the Master Rangers who could not believe all of this B.S. transpiring. It was almost as if these managers were... under... Kaplantine's... control... oh, crap.

"And, as my first act with this new authority, I will create a grand army of Putty Patrollers, to counter the increasing threats of the Seperatists shoppers!" Kaplantine concluded, complete with a hysterically sad voice.

"So," TJ. said. "The shit has hit the fan, then."

"About time we finally got off our lazy asses and did something, you think?" Lerigot asked.

T.J. nodded. "I'll take whatever Power Rangers we have left and go to Phaedos to help Jason," he said. "Muthafucka."

"And visit the cloners on Aquitar, I will," Lerigot said. "And see if they're as ugly as Jason said."

* * * * *

With another... vaguely loud sound... the Dino Thunder Pterodactyl descended into Phadeos' atmosphere.

Spotting huge bursts of steam coming from the ground, Kimbermé said "You see those columns of steam up ahead? They're totally an exhaust port of some type."

"I've got a steamy column for ya right here," Tommykan muttered.

Unbeknownst to Tommykan, Kimbermé heard his remark and thought it was, like, SOOO CUTE.

The Pterodactyl began to descend into the steam...

...only to find out too late they were dropping themselves into an active volcano! THE END!

Nah, just kidding, they landed safely in some type of structure.

The two shut the ship down and prepared to leave.

"Like, whatever happens out there," Kimbermé said. "Just follow my lead. We don't need to start a war here. At least not a second, simultaneous war. As a member of the Mall maybe I can totally figure out a diplomatic solution to this mess."

"Don't worry," Tommykan said. Once she was out of earshot, he added "If I follow your lead I can watch your sweet little..."

Alpha and Circuit watched as the two left the ship.

Circuit tried to get back to watching his fembot wrestling, but he couldn't get a good connection underground. Restless, he chirped to Alpha.

"Aye-yi-yi, Circuit," the droid said. "If they'd needed our help they would've asked for it. You obviously don't know much about human behaviour. I do, you see, since I spent the last ten years working very closely with moisture vaporators."

Circuit chirpped a reply that was too dangerous for TV.

Meanwhile, Tommykan and Kimbermé continued their spelunking through the darkened hallways of the... wait, what the hell were they traveling through, anyway?

Back on the ship, Circuit and Alpha 5 were still arguing over whether to accompany their human masters or not.

"You know, for a mechanic, you sure do waste a lot of your time thinking when you could be worrying like a little shit and prancing and all that stuff..." Alpha whined.

Circuit stared blankly at Alpha as if he was the most idiotic robotic piece of crap he had ever seen. He flew away, not even bothering to spoof the rest of the conversation from Attack of the Clones.

"Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi! Where are you going?! Please wait!" Alpha cried as he scooted after his flying robot buddy.

Back inside the weird hallway... oh shit, it was filled with Sting Wingers! THIS WAS THEIR SLEEPING CHAMBER!

Tommykan and Kimbermé figured out that they were now in the deepest, darkest, stinkiest shit they could ever be in.

"OH SHIT!" they both cried at the same time, as a crapload of Sting Wingers charged at them.

"DRAGONZORD!" Tommykan yelled as he morphed.

Tommykan was in full Ranger attire by the time he had pulled out his Powersaber and went to town on those pesky Sting Wingers.

Kimbermé, meanwhile, was being chased after as if she were a British rockstar. Or a witch being hunted by a mob who was then gonna be burned at the stake. Or a... well, you get the point.

"OH NO!" Kimbermé cried. "It's like that party all over again!"

Tommykan caught up to Kimbermé and the two found themselves standing on a bridge with a flashing neon sign that read:

"DANGER: RECEEDING BRIDGE. DO NOT WALK ON UNLESS YOU WANT TO FALL AND BREAK YOUR ANKLES. IDIOT."

Well, our two starcrossed lovers didn't read the sign in time, and well, Kimbermé fell. But because she was wearing boots made of Metallic Armor (see Glitter for more info) she merely landed with a painful thud and didn't force her ankles into her shins.

Tommykan meanwhile had managed to grab onto... something, and was quite horrified to see his fine piece of ass... no wait, that didn't sound right. Because if he thought his ass was fine... nervermind.

He saw Kimbermé fall and he knew he had to go after her!

With a mighty leap, Tommykan landed on the conveyor belt below. Before he could catch up with Kimbermé, though, he was descended upon by three Sting Wingers. Two were immediately sliced in half by his Powersaber, but the third backed away and fired a blast at him.

Go ahead, Tommykan thought. I'm a Power Ranger, and your weak little---

The Sting Winger's blast hit Tommykan in the chest and knocked him onto his ass with a burst of sparks.

Tommykan was pissed his moment of badassness was ruined and proceeded to decapitate the insect.

Kimbermé, meanwhile was busy trying not to get smashed into pieces by the various machinery. She ducked and dodged all the stamping devices, narrowly escaping with her life. She thanked the Power she was so nimble and agile and flexible from all the experience she had from... well, nevermind...

At that moment, Alpha 5 and Circuit entered the main part of the Cog foundry. Alpha was so astounded at what he was seeing, machines building machines, that his "Yi" word processor used to explain crazy things went off the charts.

"Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi..."

Finally, Circuit had had enough of Alpha's bitching. So he pushed that bastard over the edge just so he wouldn't have to deal with the noise.

And even as his counterpart descended into the mechanized abyss, hopefully to never be seen again, he could still hear the faintest echoes of Alpha's infamous bitching.

"...yi-yi-yi-yi-yi..."

Circuit then noticed that his friends were in trouble, so he once again activated his "pull their asses out of the fire" protocols and flew into action. Invented just for this scene, and a quick scene in the next movie, Circuit also activated his twin jet engines. He flew through the foundry at an amazing speed, faster than you could say "I AM IRON MAN!"

Tommykan had somehow gotten his dumbass stuck in the part of the Silo construction facility. Just before he could be diced to pieces by the metal forgers, Circuit shut down the blades... thus preserving the life of our soon-to-be Evil Space Alien.

Kimbermé, who had earlier gotten into a fight with a Sting Winger over a hot bikini, got pushed into a container of molten metal and was about to be incinerated in the mixing pool. Circuit also saved her by forcing the container to dump her out onto a heap of thongs... where the thongs came from, we'll never know. We'll also never know how Kimbermé put one on so fast... complete with a matching top

Tommykan stood by himself on the conveyor, gasping for breath and making sure all of his body parts were still attached... ALL of them.

"Phew... that was lucky. Now to find Kimbermé and... aw, crap."

And that was when our poor Power Ranger found himself surrounded not only by Cogs and Drill Masters, but by Darkonda himself... who was now, in this scene, entirely CGI for no reason whatsoever.

Kimbermé was also caught by Cogs, who had the most vilest grins on their faces... 'nuff said.

Oh, and Alpha was somehow drafted into the Machine Empire army. He didn't even change heads or bodies... he was just his normal self... with a big frickin' gun.

Circuit mentally slapped himself for seemingly doing the exact opposite of what his protocols dictated. Instead of pulling his friends out of the fire, he just put them back into the proverbial pan.

Oh well. Screw 'em.

* * * * *

So now we're finally at the Phaedos arena where our heroes are soon to be executed. Of course, they can't really be killed, otherwise we wouldn't have Episode III, where they all basically die anyway. And wouldn't that just ruin everything?

But let's just pretend they're in real danger and try to enjoy ourselves.

So, Kimbermé was still dressed in her thong bikini. We, the writers, only did this because George Lucas forgot his own rules in trilogy makings and didn't put Natalie Portman in a slave bikini in Revenge of the Sith. Then again, Portman's character was knocked up in the next movie... so that would have been weird... Maybe if it was in Clones...

Anyways, Kimbermé is in a bikini. Rejoice!

And of course, she and Tommykan were put into some kind of chariot, awaiting for the signal so their execution could begin. Naturally they were both afraid that these would be their last moments together so now we're about to be subjected to more crappy romantic dialog.

"Don't be afraid," Tommykan said in his best imitation of a confident voice.

"We're, like, gonna be torn to pieces by vicious animals and you tell me not to be afraid?!" Kimbermé shrieked.

"Bitch..." Tommykan grumbled.

"Asshole..." Kimbermé retorted.

And then they turned to face each other and locked lips like there was no tomorrow.

So much for the crappy dialog, eh?

Finally, the signal was given and their chariot wheeled itself out into the arena, where thousands of Sting Wingers cheered in a blood-thirsty lust... and just a general sort of lust at Kimbermé bikini-clad state.

The two lovebirds were still smooching all the way to where Jason was tied up, and glaring, at Tommykan for his sheer dumbassity.

Jason rolled his eyes as they were taken to their chains to be bound.

"I was beginning to wonder if you had got my message," Jason grunted.

"Oh yeah," Tommykan replied. "T.J. is on his way with about 200 Power Rangers and Lerigot is right behind him with a cavalry of Putty Patrollers."

Jason gasped and blinked incredulously. "How the hell do you know all of that?"

Tommykan grinned all-knowingly.

"Read your script lately?"

Jason grumbled. "No I hav---" His eyes drifted towards Kimbermé. "Hellooo, Manager."

Kimbermé frowned. "My eyes are up here, Master Jason."

"I know," Jason droned.

The three were silent for a moment.

"Well then?" she snapped.

"I said I know," Jason said. "I didn't say I cared."

Kimbermé was about to open up a can of verbal whupass on the Power Ranger when Master Vile and the other villains appeared on a balcony above them to watch their demise. By now the three were securely chained to a trio of stone pillars.

A hot chick whose hotness was masked by her hideous, insect-themed armor stepped up to address the crowd.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Trakeena cried. The Sting Wingers immediately did so. "NOW THEN. WHO'S READY TO SEE A COUPLE OF MEDDLING POWER RANGERS AND A MALL MANAGER... WHO IS in a bikini... for some reason... weird... DIE HORRIBLE, BLOODY DEATHS?!"

The Sting Wingers buzzed and clicked enthusiastically, waving their spiked arms around.

"ALRIGHT THEN!" Trakeena screamed, tossing her arms into the air. "LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMM..."

"No, no," Master Vile interrupted, shaking his head. "Too clichéd."

Trakeena pouted, dropping her arms. "Fine then. KILL THE BITCHES!"

The Sting Wingers cheered again.

Suddenly, three doors opened to the arena, and out came... bad news.

One was a vaguely rhinoceros-like creature with a huge orange horn, charcoal gray skin and pink spots on its flesh. The Phaedosians had come to call it the Rhinoblaster.

The second was a small (in comparison) cat-like beast with white and orange skin with multiple furry tails. It had been nicknamed the Katastrophe by its captors.

The third and final monstrosity was easily the largest of the three. Insect-like in appearance, the creature's skin was silver. Multiple, sword-like legs stabbed into the ground. The Scorpitron shrieked like a banshee but was kept in line by a zap from a Sting Winger's electric prod.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Tommykan whimpered.

"God, that line's been whored out," Jason sighed.

Regardless of overused lines, our three heroes were still in deep shit.

These creatures didn't look particularly cuddly either, which meant that either one of two things was about to happen:

1: The Seperatists were about to do a photoshoot with Kimbermé posing in chains next to these exotic animals.

Or:

2: They were utterly, completely and undeniably fucked.

Tommykan prayed for the former. And that somehow he could be the one taking the photos.

Jason's stern reminders shook Tommykan out of his reprieve.

"Just relax, concentrate!" Jason cautioned.

"What about Kimbermé?" Tommykan replied with worry.

Jason smirked. "She seems to be on top of things!"

And true to his word, when Tommykan looked over towards Kimbermé, he saw that she had some ascended the pillar she was chained too and was now provactively sitting atop it... almost as if she was in a photoshoot.

"Goddamnit..." Tommykan cursed, as he secretly wished he was that pillar at that moment.

Then he saw the Rhinoblaster charging towards him at full speed, and he had yet another reason to curse.

The Scorpitron reached Jason first. But it wanted to play with its prey, so it sliced Jason's chains off just as the Power Ranger Master spun away so as to not get his wrists cleaved off.

Jason continued to dodge its swipes and he wasn't really sure how he was gonna get out of this mess.

Back with the Rhinoblaster, Tommykan had managed to jump out of the way just before it slammed head first into the pillar. He landed on top of the Rhino's neck... which was as hard as a rock, something his family jewels didn't agree with.

But he didn't have anytime to think about the pain lower extremity caused him because the damn Rhinoblaster was trying to throw him off. Tommykan used the Power to wrap his chain around the creature's horn. With one jerk of its neck, the chains came loose from the pillar and Tommykan knew he was in for the ride of his life.

He shrieked in pain everytime he was thrown up on down on the Rhino's head as it ran. He'd be lucky if he could father a child after this little escapade, let alone twins...

Kimbermé, meanwhile, remembered that the Katastrophe was trying to kill her and tried to use her chains as a whip to deter the beast. That didn't work for very long because it quickly ignored her attacks and reached up to slash her.

Of course, Kimbermé remembered that she was a gymnast at heart and spectacularly leaped out of the way just before the creature could rake its claws into her back.

When Kimbermé landed her Perfect 10 landing on the top of the pillar, she breathed a sigh of relief.

"What?" she asked us, the audience. "You think I'm gonna let some stupid cat scratch my perfect body? Nuh uh!"

And then the Katastrophe scratched the hell out of her back. Kimbermé shrieked.

"Aw fuck!"

The Katastrophe's claws sliced cleanly through the back-strap of Kimbermé's bikini top, but unfortunately it was some type of weird alien brand of bikini, so she still had three or four straps left to keep it on.

I wonder how long that'll last?

Despite having successfully drawn blood from its prey, the Katastrophe leapt down off the pillar and looked back up at Kimbermé, as if to taunt her with the fact that she was now safe.

Viceroy Finster chuckled. "Yeah, slice 'n' dice that bitch!" he cheered.

Meanwhile, Jason was still dealing with the Scorpitron and... it really wasn't going all that well. The mighty creature kept impaling the ground all around Jason, nearly offing the Ranger with every blow.

Tommykan, however, was dealing with the Rhinoblaster rather well until he came up with the brilliant strategy to fall off the beast and onto his ass.

In the meantime, Kimbermé had set up the chain so that she could swing around on it like a whip and plant her feet into the Katastrophe's gut, which had begun climbing back up the pillar.

The feline beast smashed into the ground and stayed there, stunned.

"She can't do that!" Finster whined. "Shoot her back-strap, or something!"

As Kimbermé and Jason were dealing with their beasts, Tommykan began using the power of, well, the Power on the Rhinoblaster...

"Calm down there, fella," he coaxed. "That's right... I can introduce you to a hot manager..."

Instead, the Power translated Tommykan's words into some sort of mating call. So the Rhinoblaster shook its ass at Tommykan and roared for him to get on. Of course, Tommykan mistook that as an indication that he had tamed the beast and hopped onto its back, not realizing that he, uhh...

Nevermind.

So anyways, Tommykan and the Rhinoblaster rode back into battle. And of course, instead of saving his teacher, master, and good friend, Jason, Tommykan steered his ride in Kimbermé's direction, even though she was in no immediate danger at the time.

Jason saw this in between his dodging the Scorpitron and grumbled.

"Goddamn horny sunuva..."

In the next instant, Tommykan guided the Rhinoblaster to ram the Katastrophe. The other creature was so intent on gazing at its wounded prey that it didn't even have time to leap out of the way. It was dead after the Rhinoblaster impaled it with its horn and then smashed its face in to add insult to injury.

Tommykan stared up at Kimbermé, admiring the view of a hot chick standing on a large pole and letting whatever innuendos he could think of play around in his mind.

Then he saw Jason nearly get his head taken off and remembered that he too needed saving.

"Jump!" Tommykan urged.

Kimbermé did as told and landed with an extra bounce and jiggle. She immediately thanked Tommykan by planting a kiss on his check... and then sensually licked his ear.

"Oh God, that's hot," Tommykan moaned. Then he shook his head. "Still gotta save Jason, so..."

And with that they were off.

Earlier, Jason had managed to comandeer an electro-spear from one of the Sting Wingers. And he was using that to fight back against the Scorpitron. Hoping for a decisive blow, Jason chucked the electro-spear at the Scorpitron... only to recoil in horror when the beast took hold of it with its teeth, pulled the spear out, and snapped it in half.

"Oh shit," Jason muttered.

Then he saw Tommykan and Kimbermé ride over on the Rhinoblaster. Jason immediately hopped on behind Kimbermé and grabbed onto her for dear life. Which part he grabbed exactly, whether obvious or not, we'll leave up to your imagination.

Back up in the spectator's balcony, Viceroy Finster was absolutely fuming at what was transpiring.

"What the fuck is going on here?!" he cried. "Darkonda, finish them off!" he ordered the bounty hunter.

"Patience, Viceroy, patience," Master Vile calmly replied. "She will die... although, maybe we could do a photoshoot first..."

A squad of Drill Masters rolled out and surrounded our heroes, getting ready to open fire.

Master Vile snapped his fingers in displeasure, knowing that his photoshoot idea had just gone down the crapper.

Quietly, in the shadows, a massive Force (™ and © Lucasfilm Ltd.) of badassedness crept up on Master Vile.

Darkonda and Deviot were about to turn around when they were suddenly met with the bright blue blade of a Powersaber. Vile heard the sound, but he knew who it was before he even turned around.

"Master T.J.," he said. "Who invited you?"

T.J. glared at the Evil Space Alien.

"I have had it with this muthafuckin' party in your muthafuckin' arena!"

The Sting Wingers went wild because, seriously, how can you not love that line? Come on now.

Suddenly, Powersabers were activating all over the arena. Master Ninjor was there, of course... with no lines again, naturally, but there were still others.

An auburn-haired woman in an armored bikini (which somehow covered far more than Kimbermé's current attire) with a double-bladed green Powersaber.

A humanoid, wasp-like being with a yellow Powersaber.

Another armored being similar to Master Ninjor, except he wore a cape and had a golden crest on his head. He wielded a golden Powersaber.

There was a... hell, I'm not gonna describe them all just so you PR fans can play "Guess Who?" There were just a hell of a lot of Power Rangers there, alright?

"Brave, but foolish, my old Power Ranger friend," Master Vile said. "You're hopelessly outnumbered."

T.J. sneered. "I have had it with your muthafuckin' outnumbering---"

The Power Ranger Master was interrupted as a group of Silos emerged from the hallway and began firing their forearm rockets at him. Darkonda added to the assault by firing a blast of lightning at the Ranger.

But T.J. decided to show off how badass he was by stopping to take off his outer robe before even trying to deflect the blasts. Then he acted even more badass by leaping off the balcony and falling down, down, way down into the arena below, with nary a scratch on him.

Too bad he forgets he can do this in the next episode...

The battle was on! The arena was flooding with Cogs and the army of Power Rangers were rushing to defeat the machines.

Two Power Rangers, Noname and Notimportant, tossed a pair of extra Powersabers to Tommykan and Jason, and by God, they were green and red, respectively! What a stroke of luck! The two Rangers immediately used their sabers to free themselves from the remains of their restraints.

Chaos enveloped the arena as blaster bolts flew through the air and Powersabers swung around. Many Cogs perished courtesy of their foes, but it wasn't enough. The arena was filled with numerous Cogs, Silos and Drill Masters, and there didn't seem to be an end to them.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the Scorpitron was still out and about. And then the Rhinoblaster got struck by a stray blast, irritating it enough to buck its trio of passengers off and start acting normal again. And by normal I mean "SHIT RUN IT'S GONNA TRAMPLE YOU!"

Kimbermé grabbed a fallen blaster and along with Tommykan began taking out any Cogs they could.

Master T.J. reflected a Cog's blast from behind without even looking, because that's just how badass he really is.

A young Aquitian woman with a pink Powersaber managed to take out a group of Cogs with her weapon.

A Horathian male with a green Powersaber sliced off a Silo's arm, then cleaved the droid in half.

A humanoid in black, bull-themed armor was holding his own against a--- oh, dammit, I'm playing "Guess Who?" again. I said I wouldn't do that. I'm sorry, folks. I'll try to watch that.

Jason and T.J. had found their way over to each other and immediately guarded one another from laser blasts. Of course, this being a satirist fic, naturally there was gonna be some sarcasm exchanged between the two Master Rangers.

"How the fuck didja end up in this mess?!" T.J. roared over the whirring of laser blasts and Powersabers.

"I'm sorry, Master! I tried really hard not to fuck everything up again!" Jason replied with regret.

"You're 0 for 2 so far on that account, Jason-Lee!" T.J. continued. "Another screw up like this and we'll all be dead by the next episode!"

Jason smirked. "Yeah, about that, you really should open your copy of the Revenge of the Stuff script when we get back!"

T.J. shook his head dismissively. "Later!"

This was a mistake, of course. One T.J. would continue to make until it would be way too late...

And that's when both Master Rangers discovered, a bit too late, that the Rhinoblaster, still in heat and desiring Tommykan, was bearing down on them with a fearsome look in its eye.

Jason got the brunt end of its charge, but managed to protect himself with enough of the Power at the last second not to get hurt too badly.

And now it was after T.J. Because he was black, of course. T.J. ran for his life... which wasn't fast enough.

Back up on the spectator's balcony, Master Vile and Darkonda were watching the scene transpire with glee. They couldn't help but to laugh as they watched the famous T.J. running like a scared chicken from a rampaging, horny rhino (pun intended).

Darkonda pointed his thumb in T.J.'s direction as he said to Master Vile:

"Hey, I'm gonna go get a closer look. I'll be right back. Oh, and Deviot, we'll go out for ice cream later, okay?" Darkonda asked.

Deviot did his own little victory dance, but Master Vile merely rolled his eyes. Unlike some people, he actually bothered to read ahead.

So Darkonda flew off to the arena floor to join the action just as T.J. managed to cut off a horn from the Rhinoblaster and quickly dash to the side. He dropped his Powersaber in the process, something Darkonda immediately noticed.

Ah, he's defenseless! I'll just grab his Powersaber and he'll be doomed! Darkonda thought evilly.

The bounty hunter dashed for the Powersaber, but forgot that T.J. could telekinetically reach for his weapon. So T.J. had his Powersaber back in his hand and all Darkonda had was a face full of dirt.

"Curses!" Darkonda... cursed.

He then glanced over and saw something he really didn't want to see... the Rhinoblaster roaring and getting ready to stomp a mud hole in his ass.

"Daw shi..."

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! AND BLAM SOME MORE!

Darkonda got trampled to an almost comical effect, which also damaged his jetpack. But despite the fact that pretty much every bone in his body was now broken, Darkonda managed to pull himself up and face the beast as it got ready for a second charge.

Darkonda pulled out his side arm, and in a true John Woo style, his blaster shots spewed forth in slow motion awesomeness.

"FUCK. YOUR. RAMPAGING. ASS!" Darkonda said to the tune of each shot fired.

The Rhinoblaster was dead before it even hit the ground.

Darkonda grinned to himself... until he heard something he never wanted to hear. A Mighty RAW Power Ranger song.

Set controls to outer space now
Flying higher than ever before
Rangers... in Space!

This could only mean that some Evil Space Alien's end was near at hand. Unfortunately, he didn't see any in the immediate area. Which could only mean...

Darkonda turned around and saw T.J. heading his way, Powersaber primed and ready for a slicing.

The bounty hunter fired off a few blasts from his sidearm but T.J. easily batted them away with a swipe of his Powersaber. As his last resort, Darkonda attempted to fly away, but found out to his horror, that gravity and electronics clearly hated him at the moment.

Go, Power Rangers!
Go, Power Rangers!
Go, Power Rangers!
Go, go, go, fly!

"YES YOU DESERVE TO DIE AND I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL!" T.J. screamed as he aimed a mean slice for Darkonda's neck.

It was over in an instant. Darkonda was immediately decapited. Somehow though, his body managed to shriek a terrified scream even as he fell over and exploded into a huge ball of flame. T.J., of course, turned around to face us, the audience, and posed dramatically with his Powersaber as the flame blazed behind him.

Go, Power Rangers!
Go, Power Rangers!
Go, Power Rangers!
GOOO... IN SPACE!

There were many responses to this shocking finish. Master Vile was pissed. Deviot was extremely saddened. And Jason, well...

"FUCK! THAT'S TWICE!" The Master Ranger cursed as he realized he had just lost yet another wager.

Meanwhile, oblivious to Darkonda's demise and Jason's whining, Tommykan and Kimbermé were suddenly sighted by Cogs who decided they were worth killing. Well, just Tommykan anyway, Kimbermé was another matter.

I know we kinda skipped the scene where Kimbermé hopped on top of the one of the Sting Winger's beasts, and Tommykan jumped in the chariot it pulled, but oh, well. This scene is chaos.

So anyways, their beast was shot dead, throwing both our starcrossed lovers to the sandy floor. Thankfully the chariot had landed upright, so it was able to serve as a form of cover while they were getting shot at.

Kimbermé blasted any droids she could see and Tommykan protected her as best as he could by reflecting the Cogs blasts right back at them. Then a thought suddenly occured to Tommykan as he remembered what Kimbermé had said earlier about finding a peaceful solution to all of this.

Tommykan smirked. "You call this a diplo--"

Kimbermé chuckled. "Oh, fuck you!"

"Oh, I love it when you talk dirty," Tommykan laughed.

"And I love it when you shut the---GAH!" Kimbermé screamed as she felt another one of her bikini top's straps had just been burned through by a ricochet blast.

She really hated these Cogs...

Jason, meanwhile, was deflecting the blasts of a pair of Cogs and slowly advancing on them. What he didn't know at the time was that the Scorpitron was not-as-slowly advancing on him from behind.

The Cogs spotted the approaching beast immediately, however.

"Oh, fuck that," the first Cog said.

"Roger, roger!" the second one added.

They immediately turned and fled.

"Well, that can't be good," Jason groaned. He turned around and, yep, there was the Scorpitron, raising one of its sword-like legs. Jason growled. He was getting sick of this crap.

"GO GO POWER RANGERS, BITCH!" he screamed and leapt at the Scorpitron. He instantly began swinging his Powersaber around and suddenly most of the creature's limbs were on the ground.

Jason gave the beast one last slash, then posed dramatically. The Scorpitron exploded behind him.

Jason looked around for a second, then sighed. "Why didn't the theme play, dammit?"

Meanwhile, Alpha 5 had ended up KO'd by one of the random Power Rangers (who for some reason were nice enough to not reduce him to pieces of scrap like they had all the other droids in the arena). Before he could get up, a damaged Silo fell over onto him. The impact jarred his circuits and brought him back to normal.

Just then, Circuit fluttered over to him.

"Aye-yi-yi, Circuit!" Alpha cried. "Where have you been?!"

The mechanical owl chirped.

"What do you mean, getting high on exhaust fumes?" Alpha snapped.

Circuit would've shrugged if he could've. He took to the air again and snagged Alpha's head as best as he could with his tiny talons. Flapping his wings and struggling, he tried to pull Alpha out from underneath the Silo.

"Aye-yi-yi," Alpha groaned. "This is no way to get ahead in life."

Circuit would've killed the other droid if he could've.

Well, all these Power Rangers in one location, you think they would've kicked ass and taken names, right? I mean, we've seen what two Rangers can do together, so an entire arena full should pretty much be unstoppable, wouldn't you think?

Well, you're wrong.

All the Power Rangers and Kimbermé had gotten surrounded and backed up into a teeny little group by the Cogs.

THE FUCKIN' COGS.

Sure, there were Drill Masters and Silos, too, but still... They'd already gotten rid of the giant monsters, they couldn't handle the cannon fodder? For crissake, the Cogs don't even have name tags!

Suddenly, Master Vile waved his hand, Forcing (™ and © Lucasfilm Ltd.) all the droids to momentarily lower their weapons.

"Master T.J.!" Vile shouted. "You have fought valiantly. Worthy of being on the next 'When Power Rangers Attack!' TV special. But now it is done. Surrender, and I might just spare your lives."

T.J. glared at the Evil Space Alien. "Kiss my ass, beyotch!"

Vile's face dropped. "Fine then! Be that way!" He waved his hand again, and the droids moved in to attack.

The remaining Power Rangers readied their Powersabers. Kimbermé got ready to pull the trigger on her blaster.

Suddenly, everyone began to notice a strange sound. It was soft, almost inaudible at first, but they all heard it. It started getting louder and louder, until it became almost unbearable. It echoed throughout the arena.

"PBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB!!"

Kimbermé looked up in the air. Her face contorted with confusion.

"...what the fuck is that?" she asked.

Dozens of ships were suddenly descending from the sky and into the arena. And they were full of Putties! The ships opened fire with lasers, shredding countless droids to pieces.

The main ship had one, non-Putty passenger: Master Lerigot.

"A suvivors create, perimeter the around!" he instructed.

The two closest Putties scratched their heads as they wondered what the hell he just said.

Lerigot slapped his forehead and used sign language to get around his weird syntax hang ups. The Putties immediately understood and began laying down cover fire for the severely outnumbered Power Rangers.

It gave the Rangers just enough time to catch their breath before the Putties disembarked from their own ships to personally get involved in the ass kicking.

All in the arena were astounded at the Putties ability to kick ass. Cogs, Drill Masters, Silos... none of them stood a chance and were beaten to bits by the Putties.

The Power Rangers themselves were stunned. They didn't know whether to cheer these gray warriors on or be terrified of their skills (Just wait till Episode III, hehehe).

They all let out a collective "HOLY SHIT!"

And that's when the Rangers remembered that they needed to escape before getting their asses shot off, so they took off for the Samurai Star gunship.

Everyone got to commit a few more acts of badassery before leaving the building, acts which pleased fellow Rangers like T.J. and Jason greatly.

"I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MUTHAFUCKIN COGS ON THIS MUTHAFUCKIN ARENA!"

That single line of dialog echoed for an additional five seconds after all the gun ships took off for their next drop points.

Master Vile frowned and rolled his eyes. "I hope he dies soon."

Soon the only people who were left in the arena was a disoriented Alpha 5, a sneering Circuit, and a distraught Deviot who clutched his father's head close to his own... which was kind of creepy. Since it wasn't a helmet. It was, y'know, a severed head.

"Aye-yi-yi, Circuit," Alpha 5 groaned. "I've had the most tripped-out dream."

Quick, we need to get the hell out of here before the Cogs come back and make us their pleasure slaves... Circuit warned.

That sent Alpha into a tizzy, and the two quickly ran back to where they landed Kimbermé's Pterodactyl.

...and for a reason that makes no sense besides it being random, Rito jumped into the arena with his sword held in a defensive position. He was ready for a fight that no one was around for.

"All right! Where are they?! Lemme at 'em!" Rito bellowed.

Only the sounds of a far away battle met Rito's war cry.

"Aw, dammit!" Rito whined. "Ed, you said they'd be here!"

The faintest laughing of an interdimensional being could be heard, if one listened hard enough.

* * * * *

Back with the gunships, the heroes weren't out of the fire just yet. Anti aircraft laser cannons were bombarding each Samurai Star with a barrage of energy shells. The Rangers soon discerned that this was but the start of a much bigger battle that they were diving head-first into.

Or it was all the result of two writers' insane and twisted imaginations? But, really, who cares?

In one Star, T.J. surveyed his traveling companions and the not-so-pretty view outside of the energy shells exploding all around them. He felt it was time to comfort his ship mates with yet another infamous quote from the man he so often liked to channel.

"Hold onto your butts..."

And that's when a gunship exploded, and the people inside it screamed and flailed about, writhing in agony.

"PILOT!" T.J. screamed to the Putty pilot. "Land us in that assembly area, asshole!"

The Putty nodded and blabbed some gibberish reply. T.J. raised an eyebrow and quietly wondered just how in the hell he was gonna communicate with these bastards on the battlefield.

Within moments, the Samurai Star landed at the designated location and out came Masters T.J., Ninjor and Triter (the aforementioned Horathian Power Ranger). They quickly began conferring with the Putty troops.

"Pblblb! Pblblblblblblblblblblb!" the head Putty instructed T.J.

"That's... great," T.J. faked. "Go ahead and do that. That sounds good. Keep up the good work."

Meanwhile, Lerigot had stayed behind in the ship.

"Forward the center me take command---bah, screw it," he grumbled, then told the Putties to take him to the forward command center via sign language again. The Samurai Star took to the air and zoomed off.

Elsewhere, Jason, Tommykan and Kimbermé were still in their Samurai Star.

"Attack those Machine Empire gear ships immediately!" Jason commanded.

The Samurai Star opened fire upon the craft, bringing it down in a huge explosion.

Meanwhile, Lerigot's ship landed at the command center.

"Plblblb! Plblblblblblb!" a Putty told him.

Lerigot glared at the Putty for a while before faking it. "Very good. Very good."

* * * * *

Meanwhile, Master Vile and the other villains were in their own command center, watching over the battle with their fancy shmancy viewing globes and holographic projectors.

"This is not looking good at all," Viceroy Finster noted.

"WE ALL GONNA DIE!" Viceroy Baboo shrieked before being smacked by his fellow viceroy.

"We must order a retreat," Trakeena exclaimed.

Vile growled. "My master will never allow the Mall to get away with this treachery!"

"I'm sending the Sting Wingers back to the catacombs," Trakeena informed him. "Those pathetic Power Brats must not discover the designs for our ultimate weapon!"

She hit a few buttons and transferred said designs onto a data card.

"If they find out what we're planning to build, they'll hurt us. Lots."

She handed the card to Master Vile. "I'll take them with me to Eltar," he said. "They'll be safer with my master than they are with you losers."

Vile did a last-minute check on the designs, causing a hologram to pop up from the data card.

The designs were that of a large, snake-like dragon with four legs. Antlers and whiskers adorned its head.

* * * * *

Back outside where the frickin' war was taking place... damn this was an epic battle! Laser blasts were flying everywhere, Putties were getting blown to bits, Cogs and other machines were utterly destroyed, and Power Rangers kicked ass to the tune of "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9... it was everything even the most cynical Star Wars fan could ever want the Clone W... er, Putty Wars to be!

Master Vile saw how cool this battle was turning out... for the good guys anyway, and decided it was time to get the hell out of dodge. So he hopped on the nearest speeder bike he could find, pushed an old lady out of the way, and sped off in a real fast and quick hurry.

And for the sake of covering his own ass, he had two Cogs follow him in a pair of Quadra Fighters. Bad guys are smart like that, apparently.

* * * * *

Yay! More ass kicking war!

Uh oh, what's this? The Machine Empire ships are high tailing it out of here, too?

"Hell to the no!" Lerigot swore. "Putties, concentrate all your fire on the nearest star ship!"

"Pblblblb!" the Putty Commander acknowledged.

He ordered his fellow Putties to target their huge war machines, which were obviously Maser Cannons from the Godzilla series, on the closest Machine Empire ship.

It took a few sustained blasts, but those Maser Cannons brought that sucker down. And boy did it come down. The impact from its landing created a huge dust cloud the enveloped the entire battlefield. And it made the closeup shots of the Putties and the Cogs all the more cooler because the flying dust was illuminated with every laser blast the droids dished out.

Awesome. Fucking awesome.

Wait, we're suppose to be following Vile, aren't we?

So we're back to Jason and Tommykan and Kimbermé in their Samurai Star. And as luck would have it, they spotted Master Vile making his getaway. For some reason, the theme of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz was playing in the background as this scene transpired, but it was oddly fitting.

"It's Vile! Shoot his ass down!" Tommykan commanded.

A nearby Putty relayed in sign language that the ship was out of rockets. And lasers. And pulse cannons. Hell, it was also out of fuel, which made one have to question why the damn thing was still airborne.

Tommykan slapped his forehead. "Well, follow him, damn it! God, I swear, you Putties are only good as pawns or something!"

Oh, the anvils continue falling, don't they?

"We're, like, gonna totally need some help or something!" Kimbermé shouted.

"There isn't time!" Jason said. "Tommykan and I can handle this! Unless he gets shocked by Alien Lightning. But Tommy's a good listener, so fat chance of that happening, right?"

Had Tommykan, Kimbermé and Jason not had been shouting, it's doubtful that Master Vile would have noticed that he was being followed. But since they were too stupid to keep quiet, the former Power Ranger overheard all their entire conversation and signaled his Cogs to provide him with some cover fire.

"And make sure that hot manager falls out of the gunship! That'll be sure to cause some tension," Vile ordered with a grin.

The Quadra Fighters pulled back and ended up behind the Samurai Star.

"Oh, that's probably not good," Jason said.

The Quadra Fighters opened fire and struck the Star. Though not destroyed, it was enough to violently rock the ship. Then it bumped into a rather high hill of sand, and Kimbermé began falling toward the open door... why these morons didn't have the door closed is beyond me.

"KIMBERMÉ!" Tommykan screamed, grabbing out for her.

But it was too late. Kimbermé and a single Putty Patroller had fallen out of the Samurai Star and onto the sand below.

Tommykan pulled himself back away from the door, clutching something in his hand. "....huh."

"What is it?" Jason asked.

Tommykan held up Kimbermé's bikini top.

"...huh," Jason echoed.

The two of them stared at it for a moment before snapping back to reality.

"Put the ship down!" Tommykan yelled at the Putty pilot.

"No! Follow the speeder!" Jason shouted. He turned back to Tommykan. "I can't take Vile alone, Tommykan!" he said. "I need you!"

"I don't care!" Tommykan said. "Put the ship down!"

"You will be expelled from the Power Ranger Order!" Jason cried.

"I SAID I DON'T CA---oh, wait, what?" Tommykan said. "That's not cool, dude. Geez, fine, let's go get Vile."

* * * * *

Elsewhere, miles away, Lerigot was frowning.

"There to see Manager Acrobatica topless, wish I was," he sighed.

The Putty Commander turned to Lerigot and sign languaged that the droid army was in full retreat.

"Commander, well done," Yoda said. "Ship me a bring."

* * * * *

Meanwhile, Jason and Tommykan's Samurai Star had followed Vile's speeder into the hangar where his ship was stationed.

The two Power Rangers leapt from their ship onto the landing strip and sped inside. And what timing, too, because nanoseconds later the Samurai Star was finally blown to pieces by the Quadra Fighters.

The two finally cornered Master Vile inside.

"You're gonna pay for all the Rangers you killed today, Vile!"

Master Vile raised an eyebrow at that. "Technically, I haven't killed anyone. Have you even seen me use my Powersaber once in this episode? Or Power abilities?"

Tommykan rushed at Vile, despite Jason's desperate warnings.

"Well," Vile menacingly said. "You're about to!"

Cackling evilly, Master Vile unleashed a torrent of Evil Space Alien Lightning from his hands. The bolts struck Tommykan and lassoed him, allowing Vile to toss him into the wall in the process.

Upon impact, Tommykan screamed out "AWK THAT HURT!" in a voice not unlike Gilbert Gottfried's.

Just before losing consciousness, Tommykan groaned "Why didn't... I morph first..."

"As you can see, your apprentice is a dumbass," Vile taunted. "Now, back down before I slice your leg, bitch!"

Vile conjured up another wave of Evil Space Alien Lightning. Jason brought up his Powersaber to absorb the energy and not get his family jewels electrified.

"Fuck, that was close!" Jason gasped.

Master Vile pulled out his own Powersaber.

Jason charged but this time managed to trade blows with Vile. Within moments, though, the Evil Space Alien's strength had driven him back.

"Master Jason, you disappoint me," Vile sneered. "God, did Zordon waste thirteen years training you, or what? You're fucking terrible at this!"

Jason grinned.

"TYRANNOSAURUS!"

The Red Ranger clashed sabers with Master Vile.

* * * * *

Meanwhile, off in the desert, Kimbermé was beginning to regain consciousness. She woke up and immediately discovered her toplessness.

"Goddammit, Tommykan..." she groaned.

The Putty that had fallen out with her ran up to her and asked, yes, via sign language, if she was alright.

Man, it sure is lucky all these people know sign language, isn't it?

"We should pull back to the forward command center," the Putty signed to her.

"No, we totally need to get to that hangar!" she said. "Gather what troops you can and let's go!"

"Right away!" the Putty signed. He turned to leave and follow out her orders when she added:

"Er, wait a second."

"Yes, m'lady?"

"Come here a sec."

"Yes?"

*RIIIP*

"FUCKING OW!"

The Putty clutched its chest in agony.

Kimbermé adjusted her new Putty-skin bikini top.

* * * * *

Now morphed as the Red Ranger, Jason was handling the fight with Vile much easier. His increased speed and stamina would surely outlast the Evil Space Alien's. In fact, his victory was pretty much assured as long as Vile didn't slice his arm and/or leg.

Cackling evilly, Vile sliced his arm and leg.

Jason instantly demorphed and fell to the ground crying like a little bitch.

Vile moved in for the kill, but before he could land the final blow, Tommykan leapt through the air.

"DRAGONZORD!"

The Green Ranger landed in front of Vile, blocking the alien's Powersaber with his own, saving Jason from instant being-cut-in-half-ness.

"Brave of you, boy," Vile said. "But I thought you'd learned your lesson."

Tommykan grinned. "I am a fucking moron. Er, wait..."

Jason groaned at his padawan's verbal clumsiness and realized he needed to do something before they both died. He quickly removed his Power Coin from his Morpher.

"Tommykan!"

Jason tossed his coin.

Tommykan grabbed the coin, and in a flash, turned from the Green Ranger into the Red Ranger. But he still wore the Dragonshield and the golden rings on his arms. Best of all? He now wielded both the red and green Powersabers.

"It's on like Donkey Kong, biatch!" Tommykan screamed.

"As you so often like to remind your master, haven't you read your copy of the script?" Vile asked... vilely. "This is still Episode II, which means..."

As the battle went on and Tommykan wielded the dual sabers, he suddenly found himself getting pushed back against Vile's assault. In the next instant, Tommykan felt Jason's Power Coin get diced and he immediately reverted back to his Green Ranger uniform.

"...You're fucked," Vile said, finally finishing his sentence.

Tommykan grumbled and the duel went on. Back and forth, the fight went, with the advantage clearly going to Vile. Like he said, it was Episode II, after all. But Vile wasn't just going to win this match by sheer skill. No. He was an Evil Space Alien. That meant he was gonna do this as cheaply as possible.

Vile suddenly pointed behind Tommykan with an alarmed look on his face.

"OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!" Vile screamed.

Tommykan looked behind him. "What?! What is it?!"

"Heheheee," Vile laughed. Yes, vilely.

Tommykan realized what was about to happened and groaned. "Daw, shit."

SLICE!

Tommykan's arm came off in a single motion of Vile's Powersaber. And to make it worse, Vile used the Power to Force (™ and © Lucasfilm Ltd.) push Tommykan back toward to his master, demorphing him in the process. Tommykan's unconscious face landed in Jason's crotch, almost as if it was a purposeful act.

Jason was too bitter and too annoyed to do anything about it. So... he wept...

Vile sighed in relief. He was getting way too old to be having this kind of fun. Now all that was left to do was to board his ship and set a course for Eltar. Ah, yes, he would relax in his passenger chair and enjoy a nice in-flight movie while sipping on champagne. Why, the very thought of it brought a smile to the Evil Space Alien's face.

"Grah..."

OH SHITFUCK.

"Grah..."

That sound could mean only one thing.

GODZILLA!

Er, wait, no...

It was Lerigot! Grand Master Ranger, here to save the day and dazzle us with an act of swordsmanship unseen since time began!

"Master Lerigot..." Vile said in a mock form of respect.

"Count Dook---I mean, Master Vile..." Lerigot uttered in return.

"You have interfered in our affairs for the last time!" Vile spoke in anger.

"Hm?" Lerigot asked. "But, just got here I did!"

Vile raised his finger and breathed in to voice a reply, but found he couldn't refute Lerigot's logic.

"Well, uhh... THINK FAST!"

Vile picked up a crate filled with confetti using the Power and tossed it at Lerigot. But the elderly Power Ranger did indeed think fast and was able to repel the crate in time before getting smashed with it. The confetti slammed into a wall and its contents poured out everywhere, even on Jason and Tommykan.

Jason spit out the confetti and flipped off both Lerigot and Vile to show his displeasure at them.

In the second round of Vile's game of Think Fast, Vile ripped a disco ball off of the hangar's ceiling and again tried to hit Lerigot with it. Not only did Lerigot catch the ball in mid air, he also put on the classic hit "Staying Alive" and grooved to the music while the disco ball flashed its sparkling light everywhere.

"Stop that!" Vile whined. "That's just embarassing!"

Lerigot did as Vile said and took up a defensive fighting stance.

Satisfied that he had gotten Lerigot to quit his awful dancing, Vile turned to his last resort in his game show of death. He used the Power to throw random game show hosts, talk show hosts, reality show judges, and the like in hopes of scoring a direct hit.

Everyone from Jerry Springer, to Judge Judy, Judge Mills Lane, Oprah, Simon Cowell... hell, even Mark Summers from Double Dare was pulled into the fray.

And not a single one of them landed a blow on Lerigot. He was that damn good.

"Powerful you have become, Vile," Lerigot declared. "The Evil Space Alien Side, I sense in you."

God, we really need to shorten that. How about ESA? Or wait? Has that already been taken? Aw, who cares!

"I've become more powerful than any Power Ranger! Even Tommy!" Vile announced.

Lerigot glanced over at Tommykan and saw that he was fairly beaten to a pulp. Not to mention covered in confetti.

"Disagree with you in this case, I will not. Kick his ass you did!" Lerigot said with a nod.

Again, Vile was not counting on Lerigot's reply. Frustrated that he found himself tongue tied from his former master, Vile just decided to send out another wave of Alien Lightning. That would shut him up for sure!

Think again.

In a move of pure badassness, Lerigot absorbed the Alien Lightning with one hand and immediately sent it back. The blast came back so quickly at Vile that it shocked him in the family jewels... all ten of them!

Vile groaned and whimpered in pain. He gestured for Lerigot to wait a moment while he recovered from the immense pain.

"Okay, let's just fight using our Powersabers. Sound good to you?" Vile asked in a squeaky voice.

Lerigot nodded. And again, his overwhelming awesomeness shone through when he used the Power to bring his Powersaber to his outstreched hand. Vile also activated his Powersaber. The two leapt through the air towards one another with what could only be the help of a visual effects CGI program. When they landed, their incredible duel began.

Whereas Jason was just downright terrible and only a shadow of his former self when it came to speed, Lerigot was everything Jason used to be and more. He flipped and he twirled. He spun and he hopped. Hell, he was just a whirling creature of death at this point with how fast his Powersaber was moving.

Vile could only curse, dodge and defend. He thought he was good, especially with how easy he had just dispatched Jason and Tommy a few minutes prior, but goddamn!

Finally, the two locked blades. Vile was genuinely scared out of his wits, but Lerigot, it appeared, had barely broken a sweat.

"Fought well you have, my old padawan. But pwned, you have just been!" Lerigot declared.

I'd just like to interject, that when this scene was first shown back in 2002, the audience was on their feet with applause. Fuck you, Lucas-haters.

Oh, right, back to the story.

"Uh, well, you see, uhh..." Vile stammered. "Uh, generic bad guy escapist dialog!"

Vile gestured, using the Power, towards a conveniently placed pillar. Seriously, who the hell put that there? Did someone hope that some poor fool was gonna be sitting there just to get crushed by it later?

In any case, the Power, much to Vile's chagrin, caused the pillar to collapse and it slowly began its descent towards its two intended targets... the weeping Jason and the still-passed out Tommykan.

"SHIT OH!" Lerigot cursed.

While the Grand Master Ranger tried to save his fellow Rangers' asses, Vile finally made good on his escape plans and got aboard his ship. Curiously, if one were to pause the DVD at this scene, they'd see Vile looking back at the destruction he caused to make sure if the pillar fell or not. Is there something else going on here that we should know about?

Nah.

Lerigot saved the day by stopping the pillar, in a cinematic fashion, just before it smashed into our hapless downed heroes. Man, yet another close call.

Jason sighed in relief that he was not crushed underneath the massive object.

Lerigot grunted as he tried to catch his breath. Then he glared at Jason. "Thank you a whole bunch, I do not."

"Wha?!" Jason cried. "What'd I do?!"

"Given me a hand with the pillar, you could've," Lerigot sneered. "For crissake, just give you a little slice on the leg, Vile did. Acting like a little crybaby bitch, you are. Tossed the pillar at and cripple his ship, we might have together been able to. A lot, thanks a fuckin'."

Jason stammered in an attempt to come up with a reasonable excuse as to why he didn't help his Master, but the diminuitive Power Ranger was already out of earshot.

* * * * *

Meanwhile, Vile had entered the cockpit of his ship, the Space Skull, and sat down in relief.

"Oh man, I almost got my ass handed to me by a Troll doll," he sighed. He turned to his droid pilot. "Get me the hell outta here."

"Yo, yo, yo! You got it, boss-a-rino!"

Yes, the droid was none other than Alpha 6 himself, who somehow survived his apparent destruction in Episode I for no real reason whatsoever.

* * * * *

Suddenly, another Samurai Star landed at the hangar. Out jumped Kimbermé and a squad of Putties, one of them with a notable bikini-shaped hole in its chest.

The Space Skull roared out of the hangar and into the sky. Kimbermé immediately opened fire with her blaster, but her blasts weren't able to affect the Space Skull's hull by itself.

She suddenly noticed that the Putties were just dancing around making gobbling sounds instead of firing at the Space Skull.

"Shoot it, you fuckin' idiots!" she snapped.

The Putties snapped to attention and started firing at Vile's ship, but it was already too far away to do any good.

The Putties looked back at Kimbermé and shrugged. She shook her head and frustratedly shoved her unwilling bikini-donor off the landing pad, sending him plummeting to the rocks below.

Inside, Jason was helping Tommykan to his feet, as his padawan had just regained consciousness. Lerigot, meanwhile, was being hit by the gravity of his loss.

Kimbermé and the Putties arrived and as the gray soldiers secured the area, Kimbermé noticed her man was in pain.

"Tommy!" she cried, running over to him. "Can I give you a hand?!"

"Oh, go to Hell," Tommykan groaned.

* * * * *

Some time later, Master Vile's ship arrived on Eltar. I sure hope whoever let him fly past all those Samurai Stars and Zenith Destroyers they had on Phaedos got fired, cause, damn.

Shooting down into the atmosphere, the Space Skull entered a private hangar in a bad area of town. When Vile emerged from his ship, there was someone waiting for him.

"The Power is protecting us, Master Ooze," he said.

"Welcome home, Lord Vile."

Vile humbly bowed his head.

"So, how did you fare?" Lord Ooze asked in expectation.

"Well, lesse," Vile said. "The War's started. A few dozen Power Rangers were killed, I managed to lop off Tommykan Skydragon's arm and I taught Jason-Lee Kenobi a lesson in pain. Oh! And I even managed to get those battlestation plans for you!"

Vile handed the holographic projection of the plans to Ooze.

Lord Ooze grinned with apparent satisfaction. "Great. So, was Lerigot one of the Rangers that got killed?"

Vile suddenly didn't look so confident and turned away from his master.

"Well?!" Lord Ooze roared.

"I got my ass kicked," Vile finally admitted with a sigh.

"Hah!" Ooze laughed. "Well, Vile, for this you'll pay a severe consequence. No photoshoots with Yoko Matsugane for at least three months!"

"Aw, come on, Master!" Vile complained. "You know how much I love my shoots with her! You might as well decapitate me in the next episode!"

Ooze again flashed a sinister grin and walked away.

"Everything is going as planned..." his oily voice echoed from the shadows.

* * * * *

Back at the Command Center, Jason, T.J. and Lerigot kicked back and downed some beers. They weren't exactly in a celebratory mood, as the eerie music suggested, but at least they were glad to be alive for the moment.

"Do you believe what Vile said about Ooze controlling the Store? It doesn't feel right," Jason said in between gulps.

"This is some fucked up shit," T.J. said with a nod.

"Join the Dark Side, Vile has," Lerigot regretfully said. "Lies, deceit, creating mistrust are his ways now."

"This is some fucked up shit," T.J. emphasised. "And I think we should keep a closer eye on the Store."

"I agree," Lerigot, uh, agreed.

Wow, can't really spoof this scene, can you? Well, we'll try anyway...

"Where's your muthafuckin' apprentice?" T.J. asked Jason.

Jason groaned, not really wanting to answer. "On his way to Angel Grove, escorting Manager Acrobatica home. Peh, yeah right, after they way they smooched all the way back to Eltar, no doubt they're gonna do something stupid. Like get married."

"Not to worry, you should," Lerigot encouraged. "Sell Manager Acrobatica's shower video on the internet, we will, once married, she is. Make lots of money, we shall!"

"You know, I never got to see that," Jason admitted. "I guess we might come away from this with a victory after all. Especially thanks to the Putties!"

T.J. and Lerigot shared confused glances with one another.

"Random, that was," Lerigot said. "But victory? Victory you say, Master Jason? Not victory. The shroud of the Evil Space Aliens has fallen. Begun, the Putty War has."

A solemn silence enveloped the room.

"Can we watch the shower video now?" Jason pleaded.

* * * * *

Putties. Unlimited Putties! Those home-baked warriors from the bakery on Aquitar lined the airfield on Eltar by the millions. I guess Aurico was a little off in his math. Anyway they were all lined up and were ready to TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!

Er, wrong franchise.

They were ready to kick ass, however, and their Zenith Destroyers lifted off one-by-one to carry them to the extremity of our made-up galaxy.

On a balcony overlooking the airfield a few managers, plus Chancellor Kaplantine and his Prime Minister Mordant, watched these troops lift off. The continuous "plblblblblb" chatter of the Putties mixed in with the blaring noise of their Zenith Destroyers' engines powering up.

It was more than Manager Ernie Rabeciuj could take. He banged his head on the balcony's railing, not believing what was happening.

This war was seriously going to impede his juice bar plans...

* * * * *

Far away on Angel Grove, Tommykan and Kimbermé were... yep, you guessed it! They were getting married! Tying the knot! Gettin' hitched! Trapping Tommykan with the old ball 'n' chain! Ruining the rest of their lives! Destroying--- ehh, you get the point.

As the minister was wrapping up the ceremony, Alpha and Circuit, who were somehow not completely left behind to rot on Phaedos, watched on.

"Aye-yi-yi, this is just too emotional for my robotic neurons," Alpha sniffled.

Circuit rolled his eyes.

"And I didn't even get them a present..." Alpha cried.

Circuit chirped.

"What do you mean you got her something?" Alpha asked. "What was it?"

Circuit chirped again.

Alpha was confused. "What do you mean something for her alone time? What's that?"

The minister walked away, having completed the ceremony. The two lovers took each others hands.

"JESUS CHRIST KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME BURN IT WITH FIRE!" Kimbermé shrieked.

"...stop that," Tommykan huffed.

"I'm sorry Tommy," Kimbermé gasped. "But Jesus... that new hand of yours is terrifying. Seriously, Alpha's hands look more human-like than that."

"Just shaddap and kiss me," Tommykan whined. "I've been waiting the whole damn episode for this."

She did.

As the two embraced, Alpha turned to Circuit.

"Now, you see, Circuit, according to my programming, when a man and a woman love each other very much..."

Circuit fluttered up and kicked Alpha in the shin.

"Ow! You little shit!"

As Alpha was now hopping up and down on one leg, he was too busy to notice that Tommykan and Kimbermé had left the area and were now busy in the bedroom, setting up Episode III...

THE END.

[Darky]

LOL, very good. Can't wait until Episode 3!

But actually, Padme didn't get pregnant until the third and last year of the war. Just saying