Morph Wars Episode II: Attack of the Stuff

[MegaZeo]

MORPH WARS

Episode II

ATTACK OF THE STUFF

Shit is going down in the Galactic Mall. Several thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to start buying their clothes elsewhere.

This movement, under the leadership of the mysterious Master Vile, has made it neccessary for the Power Rangers to get off their asses and actually do stuff.

Manager Acrobatica, the hot former Queen of Angel Grove, is returning to the Galactic Mall to vote on the critical issue of getting fifty percent off on pink dresses. Oh, and also to create an ARMY OF THE MALL to help the lazy-ass Power Rangers...

* * * * *

Eltar.

It's the planet where a lot of stuff gets decided because people are too lazy to go elsewhere. So that's why the central government of the Mall resides there, and that's why the Power Rangers set up their Command Center right at the heart of the world.

It's probably why Manager Acrobatica's Dino Thunder Pterodactyl ship was also spinning wildly out of control as it made its approach to the planet. Seriously, who was flying that thing to begin with?!

"Ehahahahahah!"

Oh, Captain Skullovitch, nevermind.

Nervousness aside, the good ole captain was able to right the ship's trajectory before it burned up in the atmosphere... that goddamned idiot...

* * * * *

As the ship rocked back and forth as it flew, its crew attempted to do something humane... like walking around...

Such was the case of a poor Grovian bastar... er, Lieutenant, named Curtis. He found "Manager" Acrobatica in the ship's main lounging area. An episode Oprah Winfrey 3000 was on, but the TV really couldn't be seen that well since it was sitting upside down.

Again, no thanks to the ship's captain.

"Manager! We're making our final approach into Eltar!" Curtis called out.

"Manager" Acrobatica quickly nodded while clinging to her couch for dear life.

"Very good, Lieutenant! I just hope nothing reaaaaally bad happens to us when we land!" the Manager stated.

Within moments, the Pterodactyl, as well as the two Firebird fighters accompanying it, approached the landing pad. Quite gracefully, the trio of craft touched down. The pilot of the first Firebird got out first, as did its droid co-pilot, Circuit. The blue robot owl fluttered down to the ground and stoof next to the pilot.

The pilot from the second Firebird approached the first. Removing his helmet, his identity was shown to be a young black man with dreadlocks. He was Captain Jacko, who had taken over as Acrobatica's head of security when Captain Damon had enough of "This crap" and retired.

A ramp lowered out of the bottom of the Pterodactyl, and the two pilots watched as Manager Acrobatica and several bodyguards emerged and began walking down the ramp to the landing pad.

"Well, that went rather well," said Captain Jacko smugly. "I can't see what could possibly go wro---"

KABOOM

The entire front half of the Pterodactyl exploded into a huge ball of flame. Captain Jacko, the second pilot, and Circuit were sent flying backwards. Since he's not a main character, Jacko's droid was viciously incinerated. Sorry, pal, them's the breaks.

By the time Jacko, Circuit, and the other pilot recovered, everyone that had been on the Pterodactyl's landing pad was lying on the ground...burning to death, or burnt. Blackened. Smoldering. Extra crispy... okay, you get the idea.

The second pilot was the first to reach the victims. They threw off their helmet, revealing themselves to be... SURPRISE! It was really Kimbermé! The person impersonating the queen was actually her loyal, and now posthumously, servant, Dana.

Before Kimbermé could ask the unnecessary question regarding her handmaiden's health, the first thought that went through her mind was:

Whew! I knew it was totally a good day to switch roles!

Oh, right, back to the story!

"Dana!" Kimbermé cried out. "Are you okay?"

"M'lady, I'm so sorry," Dana choked. "I failed you, Manager!"

Kimbermé tilted her head to the side, considering that line of thought. "Hmm... no, I'd say you did your job pretty well. Taking one for the team is what the job of a handmaiden is all about! Good work, you deserve a raise!"

And what was Dana's reply to that?

"Hurgh... blah!"

She keeled over, that was her reply.

Kimbermé stood up, staring at the body of her now-dead handmaiden. The gravity of what just happened suddenly sank in.

"I should not have come back," she said, for some reason sounding exactly like James Earl Jones. She cleared her throat.

"MANAGER ACROBATICA!" Captain Jacko shouted. "We must hurry, this vote is very important, MANAGER ACROBATICA! You did your duty, Dana did hers. MANAGER ACROBATICA, please."

Kimbermé glared at him. "You calling me by my real name and kinda defeats the point of a body double."

Captain Jacko suddenly began glaring at the floor. "Oh yeah, huh..."

Huffing in annoyance, Kimbermé marched off. Jack and Circuit followed closely.

A large group of rats came and carried Dana's body away.

* * * * *

At Supreme Owner Kaplantine's office, situations of grave importance were being discussed between him and the Power Rangers. T.J., Lerigot, Ninjor, and two other miscellaneous Rangers made up the bulk (hehe, Bulk) of participants.

"I don't know how long I can keep cutting back prices, my friends," Kaplantine explained. "More and more star systems are buying clothes from the Separatists."

"If they do give people the hook-up...!" T.J. stated in a concerned voice.

"I will not let this Mall, which has been opened 24/7 for the past 1,000 years be split in two. My low prices will not fail," Kaplantine said with confidence.

"If they do, beyotch, you must realize there are not enough Power Rangers to protect the Mall from getting robbed," T.J. fired back. "We're keepers of the mad stylz, not meat for the grinder."

"Master Lerigot," Kaplantine addressed, turning to the diminutive Power Ranger. "Do you really think it will come to war? Because I really hope it does... n't."

"Uhh..." Lerigot droned before closing his eyes. "The Dark Side clouds everything, with a slight chance of rain. Impossible to see, the future is. Hell, even remember what I had for lunch yesterday, I cannot."

Suddenly, the hologram projector on Kaplantine's desk activated. An alien being appeared.

"Yo hama jimmie jama mooska habita woo," the alien said.

Everyone in the room glared at the hologram.

"...HUH?"

"Wait, wait," Kaplantine said. "Lemme turn on the subtitles." Kaplantine pressed a button, and the alien spoke again.

"The Loyalist Committee has arrived, Your Honor."

"Oh!" Kaplantine cried. "Okay, yeah, good. Send them in."

Kaplantine began to rise from his chair. "We'll discuss this matter later."

Lerigot stood up, while T.J. rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

In the back of the room, the door opened, and Kimbermé and her possé entered.

"Manager Acrobatica," Lerigot purred. "Your tragedy on the landing platform... terrible. Seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my... uh... heart," the Power Ranger Master stumbled, catching himself before he said something rather embarassing.

"Do you have any idea who's behind this attack?" she asked him.

"Uhh... crap," Lerigot gulped. "Hard to see, the Dark Side is?"

"Our intelligence tells us," T.J. said as he stood, bailing his fellow Ranger out. "That it could be disgruntled dress dealers from Angel Grove."

Kimbermé turned to T.J. "I'm pretty sure Master Vile is behind it."

T.J., Lerigot, and Ninjor began laughing hysterically.

"Please," Ninjor laughed. "He's an Evil Space Alien, not a murderer. Er, wait..."

"You know, M'lady," T.J. said. "Master Vile was once a Power Ranger. He couldn't kill anyone. It's not within his character."

"And why isn't he in the Power Ranger Order anymore, again?" she asked.

"We had to throw him out 'cause he kept killing people," T.J. said.

Kimbermé stared at him again, her mouth open but no words able to come out.

"But, for certain, Manager, in grave danger, your ass is!" Lerigot added.

"And a fine ass it is," Ninjor whispered to T.J., who agreed whole heartedly.

Before any other dirty or perverted whisperings could be uttered, Kaplantine cut in.

"Master Rangers, might I suggest, the Manager's ass... err, her life be put under the protection of your graces?"

"You really think that's a wise decision in these stressful times?" one of the other managers, Ernie Rabeciuj (he'll have a bigger part to play in Episode III), asked. "By the way, is anybody thirsty?"

"Supreme Owner, if I may comment?" Kimbermé tried to ask.

"No, because I'll just finish your sentence before you do, Manager," Kaplatine cut her off. "Yes, the situation is that hilarious...er, serious!"

Everyone in the room stared at Kaplantine in a pecuilar manner, but the Supreme Owner played it cool like he always did, by pointing to the evil monkey sitting outside of his window.

"I realize all too well how additional security might be disruptive of your obsession with hentai... but perhaps someone could guard you that you're familiar with?" Kaplatine suggested. "An old friend, like Master Jason Lee Kenobi?"

Now everyone was nodding in agreement.

"Yeah, bitches, that's possible," T.J. replied. "He just returned from a comic convention at San Diego."

Kimbermé shrugged in agreement, but wasn't still completely sold on the idea.

"Do it for me, m'lady please. The thought of losing someone as fine as you..." Kaplantine paused to sniffle. "Is unbearable!"

"I will have Jason report to you immediately, M'lady," T.J. said, nodding his head.

"Thank you Master T.J.," Kimbermé said.

She paused.

"Oh no," she groaned. "Oh God."

"Something wrong, Manager?" Lerigot asked.

"If Jason's gonna be coming here, does that mean he's bringing---"

* * * * *

"You seem a little on edge."

"KIMBERMÉ!"

"Why me..."

Jason Lee Kenobi and his apprentice, Tommykan Skydragon, were in the elevator leading to Kimbermé's suite.

"I haven't felt you this tense since I caught you trying to pirate that X-rated holo-channel," Jason commented.

"I told you that was a mistake," Tommykan insisted. "I thought it was the Discovery Channel."

"Oh, right," Jason grinned, laughing. After a moment, he looked at Tommykan. "You're sweating? Calm down! Take a deep breath."

Jason heard Tommykan inhale as he turned around and looked at the magnificent view outside the elevator. He admired the view for a few minutes before he asked "Sure is nice, isn't it?"

No response came.

"...Tommy?"

Jason turned to see his padawan's face was bright blue.

"Tommy!" Jason gasped. "RELEASE the breath!"

With a cough, Tommykan did just that. "Right, sorry..."

"I know it's been a while since you've seen Kimbermé," Jason said. "But do try to retain your higher brain functions, alright?"

"Right, Master..."

As soon as the elevator doors opened, Tommykan blew past his master and Rito, who was now Kimbermé's representantive.

"WHERE'S KIMBERMÉ?!" Tommykan screamed.

He looked high and low, but could not find any trace of his one true love. He looked in her bedroom, in her bathroom, in her kitchen, in the shute leading to the trash compactor, but nothing!

Meanwhile, Rito and Jason were reacquainting themselves with one another.

"So good to seeya again, Jason!" Rito joyfully said.

"Heh, yeah, it's been a while hasn't it?" Jason asked.

Rito paused and looked around. "Where's Ed?"

It only took Jason a second to realize who Rito was talking about.

"He's dead, remember?" Jason asked through clenched teeth. "Killed by the Evil Space Alien? Does that ring a bell?"

Rito stroked his boney chin in a thoughtful manner. "Hm, nope, can't remember! Oh well, from now on, you're Ed!"

"Screw that!" Jason yelled. "Last time you gave someone that name, they ended up dying!"

"Aw, come on, New Ed, we'll be great buddies!" Rito reasoned. "Just like me and the Old Ed used to be!"

Jason was very, very tempted to cleave Rito in half with his Powersaber. But he then remembered that the Troobian could just reform, which would rob Jason of any joy that could come from trying to kill him...

But Rito then ran off to fetch Kimbermé before Jason could take any further action.

"Hey, Manager Kimbermé! Lookie here, it's the Power Rangers!" Rito called out in a voice that echoed, everywhere.

Kimbermé, Jacko, and her replacement handmaiden Vida then walked in from the apartment's balcony. Kimbermé put on her bravest face, which was just a cute snarl, and approached Jason cautiously.

Jason greeted Kimbermé with a curt bow. "It's a great pleasure to let my eyes oggle you again, M'lady."

Kimbermé rolled her eyes. "It hasn't been long enough, Master Jason."

"KIMBERMÉ!?" Tommykan screamed.

The young Power Ranger peaked his head from around a corner.

"That's obviously Tommy," Kimbermé half sighed, half chuckled. "Well, well, Tommy. You've gotten bigger."

"So have you," Tommykan said. "In the ches--brea--boo--ti--dirty pi--fun ba--GAH!!"

His face now a bright red, Tommykan quickly backed away and covered his face with his hands.

"Smooth one, Tommy!" Rito cheered.

"Oh, shut up!" Tommykan snapped.

"Our presence here will be invisible, M'lady," Jason said. "I can asure you." Realizing what he just said, he added, "Well, mine will be, at least."

"I am Captain Jacko of her Majesty's security service," Jacko explained. "Queen Katherine has been informed of your assignment. I am grateful you are here, Master Kenobi. It takes a load off my shoulders. Plus, I don't feel like being around when things start exploding..."

"I don't need more security, dammit," Kimbermé huffed. "I need answers! I need to know who's trying to kill me."

"We're here to protect---" Jason started, but was interrupted.

"Wait, someone's trying to kill you?" Rito spoke up. "Nobody told me that! God, always leave the Troobian out. What's up with that?"

"Anyway, we're here to protect you, Manager, not start an investigation," Jason said.

"Of course not, that might screw up the plot of Episode III," Tommykan mumbled under his breath.

"What was that, padawan?" Jason asked.

"I said maybe trying to figure out who's trying to kill Kimbermé might not be such a bad idea?" Tommykan said. "I mean, hell, what could protect her better than getting rid of who's trying to harm her?"

"Now listen here, you little perv," Jason growled. "This is a spoof of a very precise saga. Despite the fact that we are here to provide laughs and humor, we still must follow that saga's plot. We will not exceed our knowledge of said plot and do anything that might change its outcome, no matter how beneficial it may be. Do you understand me?"

"Yeah, but---"

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

"...yes master..."

"Good."

It was then that Jason noticed Rito swinging a knife around.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jason asked.

"Trying to cut the tension," Rito replied.

"Well, since you guys are gonna sit on your asses," Kimbermé started. "I'm gonna go to bed... and HOPE that no one tries to kill me in my sleep."

And so, Kimbermé, Vida, Jacko, and Rito all rose from their seats and watched Kimbermé walk away... well, some stared for obvious reasons, but anyway...

"I know I'll feel better having you here," Jacko said, "Since I'm kind of a wuss, ya know? I'll have an officer stationed on every floor and I'll be in the control center downstairs, downloading hentai. You're welcome to join me."

Jason nodded... whether it was in acknowledgement or in agreement of what Jacko said, we'll never know.

"Mesa bustin with happiness, seein youse again, Tommy!" Rito proclaimed.

"Okay, first of all," Tommykan started. "If you keep talking like that, you're gonna get even less screentime than you already have in Episode III!"

That shut Rito up real good.

"But..." Tommykan said with a sigh. "She hardly even recognized me, man. I've thought about her everyday since we parted... daydreaming, fantasizing... wet dreams..."

"IS THERE A POINT TO ANY OF THIS?!" Rito asked in a rare expression of anger.

"She's forgotten me completely!" Tommykan said with a sniffle.

"She's a horny. Hornier than mesa seen her in a longo time!" Rito said with a shrug.

That made Tommykan perk up...

Yes, now get that sick thought out of your head and keep reading!

"Stop being such a friggin' pessimist, Tommykan, and be mindful of your thoughts," Jason said. "And your... well, yeah. Anyway, she was pleased to see us. Now then, let's go check the security."

And then, like something out of a Three Stooges short, Jason, Tommykan, and Rito left the room in three completely different directions.

* * * * *

Night had fallen on Eltar, which means evil bastards prowled the sides of buildings while no one was looking.

Such was the case with Scorpina, a hot half human/half scorpion crossbreed who walked along side a strangely even level perch of a kilometer high building that advertised... Cogs, of all things.

A dark form (haha, pun intended, just wait and see) greeted Scorpina in the shadows, ready and waiting to hear her report.

"I hit the ship, but it was obvious that they used a decoy since the bodyguard was yelling out the name of the Manager for everyone within a 100 mile radius to hear," Scorpina explain in a flustered voice.

"We'll have to try something a bit funnier than blowing them up, Scorpina", the voice called back. "My client is being a bitch, so take these."

The dark form handed Scorpina a small tube that continued two fluttering bugs that resembled winged scorpions.

"Be careful," the voice warned. "They're very poisonous."

She nodded and turned to leave.

"Scorpina, there can be no mistakes this time... otherwise I might have to do something horrible to ya," the voice said.

Scorpina rolled her eyes and went about her way. In her mind, the chances of her failing was 1 in a million, with no chance of her life ending this night...

* * * * *

Jason entered the main area of Kimbermé's suite, regrouping with Tommykan.

"Captain Jacko has plenty of men downstairs," Jason said, removing his robe and dropping it on a nearby chair. "Any activity up here?"

"Quiet as a tomb," was Tommykan's reply.

"...A tomb?" Jason asked. "You had to say 'tomb'?"

"Okay, sorry," Tommykan said. "It's quiet. Dead quiet."

"...Nevermind," Jason groaned.

"I don't like just waiting here for something to happen to her," Tommykan said.

"Yeah, well, anything else would involve us doing something," Jason grumbled. Suddenly, a device in Jason's hand beeped. "What the...?"

"She covered the cameras," Tommykan said. "I don't think she liked me watching her as I---"

"DUDE!" Jason interrupted.

"Sorry, Master."

"And besides, what's she thinking?"

"Don't worry, she programmed Circuit to warn us if there is an intruder."

"There are many other ways to kill a manager. For example, there's blasters, Powersabers, swords, poison gas, rocks, broken bottles, pointy sticks..."

"I get the point, Master! But anyway, we want to catch this assassin, don't we?"

"...you're using her as bait?"

"It was her idea."

"I bet it was. I doubt you'd want to risk anything happening to your precious..." Jason took a moment to snicker. "Angel."

Tommykan blushed. "Aw, shut up!"

As Jason chuckled, Tommykan added "Don't worry, Master, no harm will come to her. I can sense everything that's going on in that room."

Suddenly, Tommykan's head shot up. "Do you sense that?" In a flash, he bolted towards the bedroom door.

"I sense nothing," Jason said, confused. "Tommykan!"

But Tommykan was already in the bedroom. Jason began to make his way towards the door. He started moving faster when he heard Kimbermé's scream pierce the quiet of the suite. Just as he arrived at the door and reached for his Powersaber, Tommykan burst out of the room, a giant grin on his face.

"What happened?" Jason asked worriedly.

"Hehehe," Tommykan giggled. "I saw boobies..."

* * * * *

Elsewhere, Scorpina eyed the tube of Barillian Bugs as a hovering droid approached her. Scorpina grinned evilly as she inserted the tube into the droid's slot - shut up. The tube firmly inserted - shut up! - the droid flew off.

* * * * *

Back at Kimbermé's place, Jason and Tommykan raided her fridge, and found some tasty treats to their liking.

"You look tired," Jason stated in between bites of his ice cream.

Tommykan swallowed a piece of fudge cake and said, "It's kinda hard to rest while downloading por..."

"I thought it was because of your mother!?" Jason yelled.

"Oh," Tommykan replied. "Yeah, that too. Don't know why I keep dreaming about her."

Jason shivered in disgust. "From what Zordon told me, I hope those dreams pass in time."

Tommykan glared at his Master, but then grinned. "I'd much rather dream about Kimbermé. Just being around her again is like being on acid..."

Jason slapped his forehead. "Be mindful of your thoughts, Tommykan, they betray your perverted mind. You have made a commitment to the Power Ranger Order, a commitment not easily broken... unless your property rights are sold to Disney."

Tommykan raised a confused eyebrow. "The hell?"

Jason waved a dismissive hand. "Nevermind. Anyway, don't forget, she's a Manager, and they're not to be trusted."

"She's not like the others in the Mall, master," Tommykan defended. "She's hot."

"Quite so," Jason continued. "But it is my experience that managers care for nothing more than pleasing those who fund their campaigns and---"

"I gotta find a way to fund her campaign," Tommykan thought out loud.

Jason smacked his forehead again.

As the two Power Rangers talked, Scorpina's droid, its slot filled with tube - shut up, dammit! - hovered up to Kimbermé's window. Using tiny lasers, the droid sliced a hole in the window and shot the tube right through... the hole. Goddammit, I give up.

The tube shot through the air and struck the sleeping Circuit in the face. The impact opened the tube as well as knocked the robot owl onto its back. Before the droid could get back to its talons and start scanning the room again, the Barillian Bugs took to the shadows.

By the time Circuit had fully booted up, the bugs were completely out of sight, making them undetectable...

Which is stupid, seeing as how Circuit can detect life forms coming from miles away... but for the sake of the story's plot, let's just say he couldn't detect them.

Seeing as such, Circuit went back into stand-by mode. The second he did, the bugs crawled from out of their hiding places and towards Kimbermé's sleeping form. Her soft, delicate, vulnrable... uh, ahem, excuse me...

Back outside in the lounge area, Tommykan and Jason continued to argue about Kimbermé's merits in the Store.

"And besides, you're generalizing," Tommykan went on to say.

"Do you even know what that word means?" Jason interjected.

Tommykan shrugged. "Nah, not really, man. I just wanted to use it to make me sound more mature 'n' stuff."

Jason half laughed because that sounded so ignorant. But then he sighed because he remembered that Tommykan was HIS apprentice.

"Anyway," Tommykan continued. "The Supreme Owner doesn't look corrupt to me."

"Kaplantine is a politician!" Jason fired back. "I have observed that he is very clever at getting hook ups that shouldn't be legal!"

Hey guys... evil poisonous bugs are about to kill the hottest woman in the galaxy, ya wanna wrap this argument up?

"I think he's a cool dude," Tommykan said. "My..."

"What is it this time?" Jason droned, rolling his eyes. "Is Kimbermé dancing naked around the room?"

Just as Tommykan's face began to form a dirty look, Jason's eyes bulged.

"Oh, that. Right, I sense it too."

Immediately, the two Power Rangers leapt into action. Bounding heroically through the door, Tommykan activated his kickass green Powersaber before Jason even got his out. With a powerful swing, Tommykan sliced the two Barillian Bugs in half.

The commotion jolted Kimbermé awake, who unfortunately for Tommykan was now wearing pink pajamas.

"Again?!" she cried. "Will you get the hell outta--- oh. Bugs. Thanks, I guess."

Before Tommykan had a chance to say "That's all?" the trio heard the sound of a whirring motor. They all turned to see Scorpina's droid hovering at the window. The small robot immediately turned around and flew off.

Jason realized there was only one thing to do in order to stop the would-be assassin.

Leap out the window.

[[]V[]etal []_ion]

LOLOLOLOL!!!! welll, this is amazingly hilarious, keep up the good work dude

[Nic]

I have to say it took me a while to read this, because I was laughing very hard. This is really good and very funny. I hope you finish it up. I love PR parodies.

[MegaZeo]

You thought this was dead?!! ...so did I. >_>

* * * * *

While Jason had leapt out into the night to catch the assassin droid, Tommykan stood over Kimbermé, staring at her intently.

"Shouldn't you go help your Master?" she asked with concern.

Tommykan grinned. "Nah, I figure he can handle it. Besides, it's just the two of us, and I'm sure you don't want to be left alone after such a frightening..."

Just then, Captain Jacko and Vida entered the room, having heard the disturbance just a few seconds ago.

Tommykan growled and ran off. "Goddammit!"

Just as he left the room, Vida joined Kimbermé by her bedside. "Are you all right, M'lady?" she asked.

Kimbermé put her index finger on her own lips. "Hmm, lemme see... nearly got blown up this morning, experienced the incompetence of the Power Rangers - AGAIN, was nearly assassinated, and then nearly assaulted by a horny Power Ranger padawan to top it all off. So, in short, I'm doing just dandy. How are you?"

Jacko just shook his head, "Man, this is all really fucked up..."

* * * * *

Jason, meanwhile, was hanging on for dear life.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, he thought. What the hell was I thinking?! Jump out the window... nice...

Elsewhere, Tommykan concentrated on his connection to the Morphin Grid and used a burst of Power to... uh, steal a speeder. Backing the vehicle up, he quickly shot off into the night after Jason and the droid.

Jason, meanwhile, was trying to dodge every vehicle that passed him, while simultaneously holding onto the droid.

I really shoulda just used the Power to pull the droid back into the room... Jason thought.

Scorpina, meanwhile, spotted her droid and its Power Ranger passenger.

"Oh, perfect," she hissed. "Why the hell would that thing bring a Ranger right to me? What good does that do?"

Marching back over to her speeder, she pulled out a long, curved scythe-like sword. Running her hand across the blade, the sword began to glow with energy. Tossing it like a boomerang, Scorpina sent the sword hurtling towards the droid...

In a burst of sparks, the droid was sliced cleanly in half.

"Oh, hell," Jason swore before dropping out of the sky, not unlike Wile E. Coyote.

Her sword returning to her hand, Scorpina quickly got in her speeder and took off.

Tommykan spotted his Master's freefall through the Eltar skyline and quickly put his stolen speeder into a steep dive to catch up.

It didn't take long to dive in under Jason, although the speed at which Jason fell surprised Tommykan a lot. He knew his Master had eaten too many cheeseburgers, and now it was catching up with him!

Jason landed on the backside of the speeder and pulled himself into the passenger section with a huff.

"What took you so long?!" Jason screamed at Tommykan.

"Gee, no 'thanks for saving my life, again, Tommykan?'" Tommykan asked in annoyance.

"...WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!" Jason screamed again.

Tommykan decided he was going to have some fun with this. "Oh, y'know, Master, I was trying to find Kimbermé's good side. What with her open bust, and smoking hot thighs..."

Jason scoffed. "If you practiced your Powersaber skills as you did your search for porn, you would rival Master Lerigot as a swordsman!"

Tommykan smirked. "I thought I already did!"

"What?" Jason asked. "Mastered searching for porn? You certainly have, my very young apprentice!"

Further and further they went as they chased Scorpina's speeder. Up and down and left and right and around and around and around...

Jason suddenly leaned over the side of the speeder and lost his lunch.

"Sorry, Master," Tommykan chuckled as Jason leaned back in, wiping his mouth off. "I forgot how much you don't like flying."

"I don't mind flying, but what you're doing is---"

Jason was interrupted as Tommykan did a loop-de-loop, causing him to hurl once again.

As they approached a large industrial area, Scorpina fired a blast from her sword, striking a massive machine as she passed it. Electricity began crackling across its surface.

"Tommykan!" Jason cried as they neared it. "Watch out for those power couplings!"

The Rangers' speeder passed right by the machine, absolutely unaffected by its power surge.

"...oh," Jason said, relieved.

"Wow, I would've expected that to zap us or something," Tommykan said.

Onward the chase went, on and on and... Jesus Tapdancing Christ, how long is this scene? Lemme just fast forward a little bit here... okay, Tommykan loses Scorpina... he jumps onto her speeder... her face morphs... geez, this is taking way too long. I almost forgot what the plot was here. Lemme just cut to the end.

Just before the speeder crashed into the street, Tommykan dropped off, tumbling to the ground. Seconds later, the speeder hit the ground and crumpled upon hitting a building. As bystanders began gathering around Tommykan and the downed craft, Scorpina emerged, apparently completely unharmed.

Just then the two noticed each other, and Scorpina began to run. Immediately, Tommykan began to give chase... again.

While the two ran through the streets of Eltar, two particularly looking comedic relief fellows strolled along the main walkway. It was Captain Skullovitch, having survived the Pterodactyl's destruction, and his newfound bestfriend, Farkas Bulkmier, or Bulk as he liked to call him. For some reason, Skull looked up to Bulk in an almost hero-worship type way. Why? We'll never know...

And perhaps we don't want to know.

But regardless, they walked through the streets, oblivious of what was coming their way. And some kind of strange, comedic music, played with tubas, accompanied their stroll.

"Hey Bulky?" Skull asked. "Ya think we'll ever be prominent characters in this story?"

"Skull, my friend!" Bulk replied. "I can absolutely guarantee that not only will we have prominent roles, our characters will be the saviors of the galaxy!"

A twinkle appeared in Bulk's eyes as he continued. "And we'll meet hot damsels in distress, encounter fiercesome dark lords, train under mystical elderly masters, and...!"

WHAM!

Scorpina rammed right into Bulk, for she didn't look where she was going. She tumbled into a fall but quickly got back up. Bulk was not so fortunate however, for he had conveniently fallen into a round bin that spilled the liquid contents of God only knows what all over his face.

Skull laughed at the misfortune of his friend, that is, until Tommykan ran over him too, and he also fell into some vat of disgusting looking liquid.

And for some reason, the surrounding populace turned to laugh at them.

Meanwhile, Jason saw this all happening from above since he was still in the original speeder Tommykan stole. He quickly landed the speeder by a nightclub that Scorpina has run into and that Tommykan was running into.

"Tommykan!" Jason called out.

Tommykan skidded to a halt, stopping just in time to avoid running into a busty woman with a revealing shirt.

"Goddammit," Tommykan growled again.

Jason finally met up with him. Tommykan turned to his Master and said "She went into the club, Master!"

"Patience, use the Power, think ya dumbass!" Jason yelled. "And next time, try not to lose this."

Jason handed Tommykan the hilt of his Powersaber. "This weapon is your life!"

"No, my obsession with seeing Kimbermé naked is my life," Tommykan replied.

"Oh, right," Jason said. "My mistake. And here I assumed you wanted to be a Power Ranger."

Tommykan took the Powersaber hilt and grinned. "I try, Master."

Jason crossed his arms and huffed. "Why do I get the feeling you're going to kill me after I throw a fight in order to assist your kids in escaping your diabolical battle station?"

"Don't say that Mas---huh?" Tommykan asked.

"Can you see him?" Jason whispered as they walked into the nightclub.

"I think he is a she," Tommykan replied. "And I think she's an ugly bitch."

"Great," Jason groaned. "Go and find her."

"Where are you going, Master?"

"For a drink."

"...is this some old Power Ranger lesson?"

"No, I'm thirsty," Jason said. "All that speeder piloting is hard work."

Tommykan mumbled a few choice words under his breath as Jason left for the bar. He looked around the club, trying to look for anyone morphing into someone else. Then he realized she probably wouldn't be doing that and that he had to look harder.

Jason, meanwhile, had already received his drink. Suddenly, one of the other patrons spoke up.

"You wanna buy some Wrath Staffs?"

"You don't want to sell me Wrath Staffs," Jason replied simply, waving his hand.

"I don't want to sell you Wrath Staffs..."

"You want to go outside and dance ballet while singing I'm A Little Girl."

"I want to go outside and dance ballet while singing I'm A Little Girl."

With that, the patron left. Jason chuckled as he took a sip from his drink. It's things like that that make me glad I'm a Power Ranger.

Tommykan, meanwhile, had decided to up his search for Scorpina. He realized what he was doing before wasn't working, and so began a new approach.

"Hello, excuse me. Are you a shapeshifting assassin? No? Alright, thank you for your time."

He kept this up, but apparently nobody in the club was a shapeshifting assassin. But Tommykan knew it was only a matter of time...

Scorpina, meanwhile, had decided to take action. Unsheathing her sword, she stealthily (well, as stealthily as she could with a three-foot blade) advanced upon Jason, until...

BZZT!

With a swing of Jason's crimson Powersaber, Scorpina was quickly disarmed... literally. Scorpina cried out as she staggered to the ground. Tommykan rejoined Jason as he helped her to her feet. As Jason escorted her outside, Tommykan faced the crowd.

"Move along, people. Nothing to see here," he said. Then he glanced down at the floor. "Hey, a dismembered arm. Hey, guys, look, there's a dismembered arm over here!"

Outside, Jason laid Scorpina gently onto the ground. A second later Tommykan arrived.

"Do you know who you were trying to kill?" Jason asked.

Scorpina glared at him. "No, I just try to kill people randomly every Tuesday. What kind of dumbass question is that?"

"Okay, fair enough," Jason grumbled. "Who hired you?"

"It was just a job..." Scorpina groaned.

"Who hired you?" Tommykan repeated in an unsettling sweet voice. "Tell us. It'll be okay. Please tell us. Or I will kill you with my bare hands. Please."

Both Jason and Scorpina glared at Tommykan with unease.

"Hell, this kid's creeping me out," Scorpina sighed. "I was hired by a bounty hunter named---"

Suddenly, a dart hit her in the neck. Tommykan and Jason looked upwards to see a red and orange form on top of a nearby building. Within seconds, it had flown away on a jetpack.

The two Rangers looked back down at Scorpina, who had now transformed into a hideous humanoid scorpion creature, complete with claw and tail.

"Ew," Jason and Tommykan said together.

Suddenly, the dart sparked.

"Uh oh," Jason said.

Scorpina's body exploded into a large ball of flame. When the flames cleared, both Jason and Tommykan were charred black and smoking, only their eyes showing.

Jason coughed out a puff of smoke.

"Lovely," he muttered. He bent over and picked up the only remains - the dart. "A toxic dart," he said, examining it.

"Good call, Master," Tommykan said flatly, smoke coming out of his mouth as he said it.

* * * * *

Time had passed. Jason and Tommykan were now at the Power Ranger Command Center, standing before the Council.

"Track down this bounty hunter, you must, Jason," Master Lerigot instructed.

"Most importantly, find out who's his daddy," Master T.J. added.

"What about Senator Acrobatica?" Jason asked. "She still needs protection. Shut up, Tommykan."

"Handle that," Lerigot said. "Your padawan will."

Jason's face dropped.

"Wait, what? That was a joke, right?"

Jason was ignored as T.J. turned to address Tommykan.

"Tommykan, escort that fine piece of ass back to her home planet of Angel Grove," T.J. said. "But don't use registered transport, travel as muthafuckin fujis."

"As what? I'm sorry, Master, but I don't quite understand your slang," Tommykan retorted.

T.J. then went on to preform what he requested of Tommykan using dolls and model playsets. After the mini act was finished, Tommykan knew what he needed to do now.

"Oh, okay! Well, uhh," Tommykan stammered. "Senator Acrobatica is kind of the leader of that whole thing to oppose the army build-up. She probably won't want to leave Eltar anytime soon."

"SHIT!" T.J. cursed, drawing shocked looks from all the fellow Rangers.

Lerigot cleared his throat before continuing. "Hmm, go to the Chancellor you must. To speak with the Senator, you must ask him."

Tommykan and Jason bowed and then promptly left. Meanwhile, T.J. got all sorts of weird stares from the other Master Rangers.

He shrugged and replied "Been watching Malcom X again..."

"...I didn't have any lines," Master Ninjor complained.

* * * * *

"I will talk with her," Chancellor Kaplantine assured Tommykan. "Senator Acrobatica is too bubbly and air-headed to withstand a verbal bitchslapping."

"Thank you, your Excellency," Tommykan nodded.

"So," Kaplantine began. "They've finally given you an assignment, huh? It's about damn time. They had you mopping and sweeping the Command Center for how long now?"

Tommykan frowned. "I'm sure your guidance helped a bit."

"You don't need guidance, Tommykan," Kaplantine told him. "In time you will learn to trust your feelings. And then you will be an Evil Space Alien. I mean invincible."

The two started making their way towards the door.

"I've said it many times," Kaplantine said. "You are the most gifted Power Ranger I've ever met. I see you becoming greatest of all the Power Rangers. Even more powerful than Master Lerigot. And then you lose your arms and legs---Powersaber. You lose your Powersaber and have to get a new one."

Tommykan groaned. "God, that sucks."

* * * * *

Jason, T.J. and Lerigot strolled the length of an immense walkway in the Command Center. T.J. and Lerigot pretended to listen to Jason's bitching about the recent turn of affairs, but they couldn't help but think about that interesting shower video they saw this morning...

"I'm concerned for my dumba--student. He's not ready to be alone with a woman yet! I haven't even taught him anything about proper entering and exiting techniques!"

T.J. and Lerigot gasped at Jason, who just realized the magnitude of what he said.

"I mean getting a room and not paying for it!" Jason grumbled.

"The Council is confident in their decision, Jason," Lerigot said in reminder.

"That bastard's got fly skills, yo," T.J. agreed.

"But he's such an arrogant prick!" Jason whined.

"Actually," Lerigot said. "In the thousand some-odd words that have been written up to this point, he hasn't done a single arrogant thing. Perverted, twisted things, but not arrogant. If anything, I'd say your jumping out the window to hold onto a tiny assassin droid qualifies as arrogant."

Every single Ranger in the Command Center stopped what they were doing to hear what Lerigot just said.

Lerigot then cleared his throat and went on. "Uh, a flaw more and more common in Rangers?"

Everyone else shrugged and then went back to what they were doing.

"Remember Jason," T.J. said while shaking his head at Lerigot. "If the prophecy, the same prophecy that Lerigot and I will seriously question in the next movie, is true... your student is the only one who can bring the Morphing Grid back online."

Before either Jason or Lerigot could interject, T.J. added "MUTHAFUCKA!"

* * * * *

Wow, we sure seem to switch scenes fast don't we? Well anyways, we're back at Kimbermé's apartment where her bedroom window, which had been smashed through by Jason the previous night, was being replaced by labor droids that the apartment management office requisitioned for repair.

Unfortunately, it seems the droids had overstayed their welcome, because they not only replaced Kimbermé's window but they also watched her shower. Surprisingly, she put on a pretty good show that was now airing on all of the holonets galaxy-wide.

It is at this time that we find Kimbermé giving Representative Revolto a quick rundown on what's expected of him.

"I'm getting the hell off of Eltar to lay low for a while, so ya know, people don't try to kill me or take perverted recordings of me. It'll be your job to take my place in the Senate. Represenative Revolto," Kimbermé announced. "I know I can count on you to NOT give Chancellor Kaplantine emergency powers and doom us all to all sorts of unmitigated evil."

Rito scratched his helmeted skull. "Say what now?"

Kimbermé growled and walked away. Rito merely shrugged and went back to watching alien porn.

Tommykan was admiring Kimbermé's strut when she breezed past him into her room to finish packing.

"This is like such a bad idea," Kimbermé spouted. "Us hiding n'stuff."

"Don't worry," Tommykan replied. "Now that the Ranger Council has beheld the Viewing Globe, it won't take Master Jason long to find this bastard who tried to whack you off."

Kimbermé gave Tommykan a tired stare.

"Er, I mean...!" Tommykan stammered when he realized his faux pas. "Aw, man..."

"I have so NOT worked for a year to defeat that stupid Military Creation Act only to not be here when its fate is decided!" Kimbermé snapped.

"And I haven't followed your sweet ass around the galaxy for TEN years just so I could still NOT be laid by this point," was what Tommykan would've come back with had he said what was truly on his mind, but even he knew he'd get his ass kicked for that.

"Sometimes we must let go of our pride and do what is requested of us," is what he really replied with.

"Tommykan," Kimbermé said, turning to look at him. "You've grown up."

"Nice of you to notice."

Here we go, folks. It's bitch time.

"Master Jason doesn't seem to think so. Don't get me wrong, he's a great mentor and everything... as wise as Master Lerigot and as powerful as Master T.J.... except for when he's fighting Evil Space Aliens... I'll have to ask him about that. But in some ways... in a lot of ways... okay, in EVERY way... I'm really ahead of him. I am! I REALLY AM! I WANNA TAKE THE TRIALS! HE YELLS AT ME! HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND OR NOTHING! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Tommykan, knock that shit off or I'm never sleeping with you ever."

That shut him up.

"Just don't try to grow up too fast, Tommykan," Kimbermé said after a brief silence.

"But I am grown," Tommykan said, facing her. "In more ways than one."

As Kimbermé groaned, she realized Tommykan was rather close to her. And staring at her.

"Don't look at me like that," she said.

"Why not?" Tommykan asked.

"Cause it's fuckin' creepy."

And what other way could we end this scene other than Tommykan realizing his extreme flirtations weren't working and him verbalizing his displeasure by saying...

"Aw, man."

* * * * *

Later, the senator and her Power Ranger protectors were on their way to the docking bay where Kimbermé and Tommykan would board the transport to take them back to Angel Grove.

"Be safe, M'lady," Captain Jacko said.

"Total thanks, Captain," Kimbermé said. "Take good care of Rose." Turning to her new decoy, she said "The threat's on you too, now."

"Thanks a lot," Rose whined. "Seriously. This is my dream. I've always wanted to be assassinated because some mysterious bounty hunter thinks I'm somebody else. Really. That's my life dream. Bitch."

Luckily for her, however, Kimbermé had stopped listening five minutes ago.

Meanwhile, Jason was conferring with his padawan.

"Remember Tommykan, don't do anything without first consulting myself or the Council. Remember, you're just a newb who's completely fucking incompetent."

"Yes, Mas-HEY!" Tommykan yelled.

Having sufficiently insulted his student for the day, Jason turned his fake grin of sincerity on Kimbermé.

"I'll get to the bottom of this plot quickly, M'lady," Jason said. "I'll have found everything about where the plot of this story is going before Tommykan even gets his first kiss."

"I'll so be grateful if we can skip past that horrid fire place scene," Kimbermé said. "You know the one."

Tommykan gestured towards the transport with a tilt of his head.

"Hey, get a move on, bitch!"

Kimbermé huffed and grabbed her suitcases. Circuit chirped and flapped his metal wings, flying behind her.

"Tommykan," Jason sighed, knowing that this would be the last time he'd get to see his student before he ended up in some humiliating situation. "May the Power protect you."

"May the Power protect you, Master," Tommykan said before saying under his breath, "Jackass..."

Jason didn't quite hear what Tommykan said but paid no further attention to it.

And so, Tommykan, Kimbermé and Circuit were off to face the galaxy by themselves.

"Suddenly I'm afraid," Kimbermé said aloud.

"You will be! YOU WILL BE!" Tommykan quickly said.

Kimbermé gave Tommykan a horrified look.

"Nah I'm just pulling your hot little leg. Hey if it makes ya feel any better, I'm kinda nervous myself, what with this being my first assignment on my own," Tommykan said.

Kimbermé breathed a sigh of relief. "At least we have Cirucit with us."

"We sure do!" Tommykan replied, and then gave Circuit an evil grin. "MUHUHAHAHAHA!"

"...What was that?" Kimbermé asked.

Tommykan cleared his throat. "I dunno. I have no idea where that came from."

Back at the earlier transport, Jason and Captain Jacko watched the pair walk away.

"I do hope he doesn't do anything foolish," Jason muttered.

"I'd be more worried about her than him," Captain Jacko said.

"She was the 'something foolish' I was referring to," Jason said.

* * * * *

Some time later, Jason had arrived at an old-fashioned diner on Eltar. He was greeted by a pink female droid wearing a corset. Jason was momentarily distracted by her noticable bust size, which he thought was kinda weird, because she was, in fact, a droid.

The droid, Archerina, flicked Jason's nose with her fingers, bringing him back to reality.

"Someone to see ya, honey," she shouted into the kitchen. "It's that stupid Power Ranger friend of yours."

A rather fat creature, looking like a cross between a toad and a whale, stuck its head out from the kitchen.

"Yo, Jason!" he cried.

"Hello, Gluto," Jason smiled.

"Yo, take a seat ove' there, I'll be right with youse!" Gluto said as he turned to take care of something.

"You want a cup o' Cog oil?" Archerina asked Jason.

Jason tried his best to not stare at her offer in horror. Or at her chest.

"Uh, no, thank you..." he finally managed.

As Archerina left, Gluto approached.

"Hey, old buddy!" Gluto cried as he and Jason embraced in a big hug. Jason sat down in a booth. Gluto quickly joined him.

Suddenly, Gluto's smile dropped.

"Alright, you son of a bitch, where're those 10,000 credits you owe me?!"

"Nevermind that," Jason gulped, quickly changing the subject. "Can you tell me anything about this?"

He pulled out of his robes the toxic dart that had slain Scorpina.

"It's shiney," Gluto deadpanned. "Seriously, where's muh money?"

"I told you I'm good for it, now pay attention!" Jason huffed. "This is important!"

"Bah, fine," Gluto sighed. "I've seen one of these tings before, but not in years. Not since I was out in the outer limits."

"Do you know where it's from?" Jason asked.

"These babies belong to dem cloners!" Gluto said. "What youse got here is an Aquitar Saber Dart."

"I wonder why it didn't show up on the analysis," Jason mused.

"It's these funny little bumps on the front that give it away," Gluto explained. "Those stupid analysis droids only focus on... not-bumps. I'd tink youse Power Rangers would has respect for the difference between knowledge and, uh... knowin' stuff."

"It's not my fault Rito programmed our analysis droids," Jason complained as he overlooked the dart. "Aquitar, huh? Doesn't ring a bell... is it in the Mall?"

"Oh, hell no, it's way out there," Gluto said. "Past the outer limits. I'd say about twelve parsecs, which are things the Millennium Falcon does." Gluto paused to take a sip of his Cog oil. "These Aquitians... they like t'keep to themselves. They're cloners and damn good ones."

"Are they friendly?" Jason asked.

"It depends," Gluto chuckled.

"Depends on what?" Jason asked, uneasy.

"On how good yer manners are," Gluto grinned. "And how big yer pocket book is."

There was a brief pause.

"No, seriously, how big is it?"

* * * * *

Jason stood in the Command Center's library, looking at a bust of some ancient Power Ranger Master long since disceased. An older, portly woman approached him.

"Did you call for assistance?" she asked.

"Yeah. About an hour ago. Where the hell have you been?" Jason whined.

"Well, if you're going to be a little shit about it," she said as she began to turn and walk away.

Jason rolled his eyes and called after her "Wait, geez, I'm sorry. Come back, I need your help."

The woman, Miss Applebee, turned back to face him. "What is it?"

"I'm looking for a planetary system called Aquitar, but it doesn't show up on the charts," he explained.

"Aquitar... that's not a system I'm familiar with," she said. "Are you sure you have the right coordinates?"

"According to my information, it should be right here," he told her. "Just south of the Dark Star Galaxy."

Miss Applebee searched the sector on the interface. "I hate to tell you this, but it looks like the system you're looking for doesn't exist."

"That can't be right..." Jason thought. "Is it possible the archives are incomplete?"

"OH, FUCK YOU."

Miss Applebee was glaring daggers at Jason. He shrunk back.

"Geez, what?! Is it that big a deal to suggest that the archives are in---"

Suddenly, Miss Applebee's fingers were in her ears.

"LALALALALA!"

Jason frowned. "Oh, that's real matu---"

"LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU FUCK YOU LALALALALA!"

Frustrated, pissed off, and quite frankly, creeped out, Jason quickly exited the library.

* * * * *

As the "fuji" cruiser, as T.J. referred to it, soared through the vastness of space, there were shenanigans afoot! For starters, the damn thing's booster weren't functioning properly. But when one saw the name of the company that produced the cruiser, Hip-Hop-Kido Industries, one didn't have to wonder why it was a piece of crap.

Inside the cruiser, various refugees, from planets beset by Evil Space Aliens, milled about and related their acts of being oppressed over a bowl of whatever gruel the sever droid was dishing out.

Circuit retrived two such bowls for his human friends. But the droid who was serving the food was actually the Cog Commander from the previous story who let Zordon onto the invasion ship. He recognized Circuit from the battle for Angel Grove and immediately started to sweat oil.

"Hey, you! No droids, get out of here!" the Cog Commander yelled hastily.

Circuit chirped the vocal equivalent of the middle finger and flew away. Relieved that he had not been identified, the Cog Commander went back to preparing gruel. But he somehow knew his troubles were not yet over for this story.

Circuit placed the bowls of food in front of Kimbermé and Tommykan and didn't even stop to get thanked, for he saw a female bird droid in a corner and he knew he had to get her registration number!

Tommykan raised his eyebrow at that. "What's his problem?"

"Oh, he's been so lonely lately," Kimbermé replied. "I found him humping all sorts of things in my apartment. Droids, electrical outlets... the poor bastard needs a fembot."

Him and me both, Tommykan thought to himself. Er, except the fembot part.

"So," Kimbermé said. "It must be difficult having sworn your life to the Power Rangers..." She stirred her food. "Not being able to visit places that you like," she said. "Or do the things that you like."

"Or do the people that I like," Tommykan said.

Kimbermé groaned. "Isn't that forbidden for a Power Ranger? It's forbidden, right? Please tell me it's forbidden."

"Ehh..." Tommykan muttered. "Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Which I don't get, cause I possess a lot of stuff. My Powersaber, my robes... lotsa things. But compassion, which I would define as boning hot senators, is central to a Power Ranger's life. So, you might say we are encouraged to bone."

"That's... nice..." Kimbermé managed.

"You haven't changed a bit," Tommykan told her. "You're just the way I remembered you in my dreams."

"Too much information, Tommy," Kimbermé said. "Way too much."

"Aw, man."

* * * * *

After hurriedly leaving the library, Jason found himself marching through the hallways of the Command Center. He was still having trouble with his lead on Aquitar and felt he could use some help on the matter. He decided to track down Master Lerigot, but at the moment, the wisened old Master was teaching a class of the next set of bastard kids who got fooled into thinking they would become Power Rangers.

As Jason stepped into the room, he heard Lerigot imparting fake wisdom onto the children.

"Heheh, stretch out with your arms. Pretend you're fighting huge droid armies! Wish you were saving princesses!"

"But Master, I'm a girl," one the kids replied.

The little Ranger girl found her head throbbing with pain after the Master whacked her with his cane.

"INTERRUPT ME, DO NOT!"

It was then that Lerigot noticed Jason standing at the entrance of the training room.

"Rang-lings, Rang-lings!" Lerigot announced. "A visitor we have!"

"Hello," Jason said to the kids.

The Ranger kids looked at Jason and scratched their heads. They had no idea who the hell he was. After a long and awkward silence, Jason turned to Lerigot with a marble sized data-sphere.

"Master I need some help finding this planet. An old friend described it to me, but Miss Applebee swears it doesn't exist. Can you help a brother out?" he asked.

Lerigot laughed insanely. He paused and glared at the children... and they started laughing too.

"Lost a planet, Master Jason has. Un-fucking-believable!"

Jason rolled his eyes as everyone in the room pointed and laughed at him. Including Master Lerigot.

"Bob, the shades," Lerigot instructed one of the Rang-lings.

The room went dark, and Jason placed the data-sphere on a stand in the middle of the room.

"Behold the Viewing Globe, and clear your minds," Lerigot said. "Which should be easy," he muttered under his breath. Then out loud he said "And find the planet that Moron here misplaced."

Out of the data-sphere came a hologram of a star system that filled the room. Jason walked over to a particular cluster of stars and pointed. "It's should be right here, but it isn't."

"Move your finger?" Lerigot offered.

Jason huffed angrily but moved his finger anyway. "It's still not there!" he snapped. "Gravity is pulling everything to this spot but there's nothing there."

Lerigot turned to his students.

"Hmm. Gravity's silhouette remains, but the star and all the planets... disappeared, they have. Hmm? A thought? Anyone?"

One of the children raised their hands.

"Master? You didn't say there would be word problems."

The child's head quickly met the business end of Lerigot's walking stick.

"Anyone ELSE?" Lerigot asked, seeking out an answer from one of the kids.

One of the children started to go into a song and dance tirade straight out of a Disney movie. That was put to a stop when Lerigot used the Power to push the little bastard right out the window.

Finally, the same little girl from before who originally got her head smacked raised her hand.

"Master? Because some jerk-ass erased it from the archives?"

Lerigot smiled sadistically. "Truly wonderful the mind of a child is. Heheh. The Rang-ling is right."

The little girl sighed in relief. But for the sheer heck of it, she was whacked anyway.

"Go to the center of gravity's pull," Lerigot cautioned. "And find your wayward planet, you will."

The rest of the children stampeded out of the room for fear of being tormented. Meanwhile, Jason and Lerigot were left to ponder the situation by themselves.

"But Master, Miss Applebee said it was impossible to erase the records. She even did the whole 'I can't hear you, LALALALALA' thing when I suggested it!"

"A stuck-up bitch, she is," Lerigot said. "But dangerous and disturbing this puzzle is. Only a Ranger could have erased those files. But who and why? Harder to answer. Masturbate on this, I will."

...

OKAY, MOVING ALONG NOW.

* * * * *

So now where are we? Oh, we're back on Angel Grove. Haven't been here in ten years! And the place still hasn't changed. It's still as boringly charming and lush as it ever was.

At least the Cogs are gone and no hot girls are bull riding them anymore.

Anyways, Tommykan and Kimbermé made their way towards the palace by foot, although one had to wonder why they simply didn't fly there in a speeder.

Well, okay, it was two reasons. One, they're still incognito, and two, Queen Katherine imposed an anti-speeder law after she was kidnapped by horny Cogs ten years prior.

"Ya know, Tommy, I wasn't the youngest queen ever elected," Kimbermé said.

"Nah," Tommykan agreed. "But you were the hottest."

Kimbermé blushed... wait, blushed? Oh, don't tell me she's starting to like this perv? (Although considering its a Star Wars spoof, she's contractually obligated to, so...) Anyway, she blushed at what Tommykan said and continued:

"But, like, looking back on it and stuff, I don't think I was old enough. I wasn't ready, ya know?"

"The people of Angel Grove thought you did a gangbang---" Tommykan stammered as his eyes went wide. "---Job! A bang-up job. I even heard they tried to amend the constitution so you could stay in office."

Kimbermé shuddered. "Yeah, the Hot Queen Act of 2001. Well, I was, like, totally relieved when my two terms were up. But when Queen Katherine asked me to serve in the senate, I couldn't refuse my girlfriend."

"I agree with her," Tommykan said. "I think the Mall needs you to keep up reasonable prices. I'm glad you chose to serve."

Kimbermé smiled at Tommykan, who almost leaped for joy that he:

A - Had not said something really stupid and pissed her off.
B - Was saying surprisingly mature things that made him not look like a total douche.

Would this trend continue? Read the next scene to find out!

* * * * *

The Angel Grove Palace. Once Kimbermé's base of operations, it was now the home of Queen Katherine.

"If the senate votes to create an army," Kimbermé said. "I'm totally sure it's going to push us into a civil war."

"It's unthinkable," said Governor Elgar, who I'm sure everybody had completely forgotten about at this point so I'm not sure why they bothered bringing back this particular character. "There hasn't been a full-scale war since the grand opening of the Mall."

"Do you see any way to bring the Seperatists back into the Mall through negotiations?" Queen Katherine asked. Then, remembering she was Australian, she added "...mate?"

"Not if they feel so totally threatened," Kimbermé said. "My guess is they'll turn to the Machine Empire or the Dai Shi Clan for help."

"It's outrageous," Elgar barked. "But after four trials in the Mall's Food Court, Finster... whatever his last name is... is still the viceroy of the Machine Empire!" He sighed. "I fear the Mall is powerless to resolve this inflation crisis!"

"We must keep our faith in the Mall," Katherine shrugged. She arose from her throne and her handmaidens, fellow gymnasts from Australia, followed suit. "The day we stop believing good pricing can work is the day we get enslaved by Evil Space Aliens."

Circuit's Irony Alarm quietly went off in the corner he sat in.

"Let's pray that day, totally never comes!" Kimbermé said.

Katherine nodded. "In the meantime, we must consider your own safety, girlfriend."

Wanting to be relevant in this scene, Elgar asked of Tommykan "What is your suggestion, Master Ranger?"

Tommykan crossed his arms as a thoughtful expression appeared on his face. "Well, I think..."

Kimbermé scoffed at Tommykan. "You?" she began. "Think? Since when do you ever think about anything other than T 'n' A? I apologize Governor, but Tommykan's not a Ranger, he's just a teenager with attitude."

"The fuck!?" Tommykan blurted out. "Bitch, I saved your sweet ass back on Eltar from poisonous bugs and this is the thanks I get?"

Kimbermé turned back to the Queen as if she hadn't heard anything from Tommykan. "Anyways, I thought we might, like, stay in the Lake Country. There's some secluded places in that area."

"HELLO!" Tommykan said, waving his arms. "I'm in charge of your security, you dumb bimbo, did you forget?!"

Kimbermé turned to acknowledge Tommykan with an authoritarian glare and said simply, "Shut up."

Tommykan had no choice but to obey.

Kimbermé and the Queen made their way to the main hall.

Tommykan sneered and muttered "It's a good thing we haven't slept together yet or---" and then he imitated the familiar buzz of a Powersaber.

* * * * *

Elsewhere in the cosmos, just south of the Dark Star Galaxy, Jason's one-man spacecraft, the Red Dragon, came out of hyperspace. In front of the ship was an immense planet... Aquitar. Water seemed to cover the planet's entire surface.

"There it is, Wirez," Jason said to his droid co-pilot. "Right where it should be. Our missing planet, Aquitar."

Wirez was an owl droid like Circuit, but was red instead of blue. He chirped and hooted to let Jason know he'd heard him.

As Jason descended into the atmosphere, all he could see for miles around was ocean. And an angry ocean at that. A storm was definitely brewing...

Jason soon spotted what looked like a city on stilts that stood above the water. The purple-colored structure of the buildings made them stand out from the water and Jason was easily able to spot a landing pad.

"Oh, God, that's an ugly color for a city."

Wirez chirpped a reply that concured with Jason's assessment of their surroundings. The Red Dragon swiftly landed moments later. Jason disembarked from his transport, which somehow ended up with him leaping hundreds of feet through the air.

"AYE YAH!"

Jason landed on the pathway that extended into the city. However, since it was raining, he slipped and tumbled rather comically through the plexi-glass double doors at the city's entrance. It was there, in a crumpled heap, that an Aquitian woman (fake alien makeup and all!) with long blonde hair found and greeted him.

"Master Ranger," the woman, Delphine, said. "The Prime Minister of Aquitar is expecting you."

Jason took a gander at her. She was dressed in a shapeless black outfit with purple lining, the same ugly purple that decorated this sterile-looking city, covering the front of her suit. She wasn't much to look at.

Jason stood up and wiped himself off, straightening out his clothing as best he could.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Jason asked. "Your ugliness was distracting me."

The Aquitian woman growled and motioned for Jason to follow her. Shrugging off her gesture, and remembering he actually had a mission to complete, Jason followed her down a brightly lit purple hallyway.

Geez, what was it with all this purple? Does the Joker live here?

Finally they entered into the private office of the Prime Minister. Yes, it too was purple, and absolutely devoid of any sort of furniture save for a (here it comes again) purple metallic hoverchair. Another Aquitian, the Prime Minister no doubt, arose from the chair and waited for the formal introductions to take place... because Aquitians were like that. All pompous and prissy.

"This is Aurico," Delphine introduced. "Prime Minister of Aquitar. And this is jackass..."

Jason elbowed her and coughed at the same time.

"I mean," she stated. "Master Ranger..."

"Jason-Lee Kenobi," Jason said with a bow.

Aurico approached Jason.

"I trust you're going to enjoy your stay," he said, touching his fingers together, as Aquitians often do... for some reason. "And now to business."

A second chair descended from the ceiling, and both Aurico and Jason sat down. Delphine stood silently to the side.

"You will be delighted to hear that we are on schedule," Aurico informed the Power Ranger.

Jason nodded like he knew what the hell the Aquitian was talking about.

"200,000 units are ready," Aurico went on. "With a million more well on the way."

Jason mentally thanked the heavens Tommykan wasn't there to snicker at "units." He realized he should say something, and went with "That's... good news."

Aurico continued. "Please tell your Master Saba-Dyas that his order will be met on time."

Jason did a double take. "Master whosajiggawha?"

Aurico looked unsure. "Master Saba-Dyas is still a leading member of the Power Rangers Council, is he not?"

Jason glared at the Aquitian. "I'm sure he would be... if he wasn't dead. And has been for years."

"Oh..." Aurico whispered. "Well... this is awkward, isn't it?"

A moment of very awkward silence passed.

"Well, I'm sure he would've been proud of the army we built for him," Aurico said.

"The... army?" Jason asked. "What army? There's an army?"

"Yes," Aurico replied. "A clone army. And I must say, it kicks ass."

"Huh." Jason had no clue what was going on. "So... when Saba-Dyas ordered this army, did he happen to say who it was for?"

"Of course," Aurico said. "It was for the Mall. But you must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself."

Jason was really glad Tommykan wasn't around for that one.

"That's why I'm here," he lied. And badly.

[Darky]

LOL, especially at Jason's reaction to the Aquitians and Lerigot.

Keep it coming, this is great

[SylvanGenesis]

Awesome stuff! Is there a part I?

[Darky]

Yeah, it's under his name. That's hilarious too. Here it is

http://www.rangerboard.com/showthread.php?t=80123

[MegaZeo]

A Firebird-shaped boat pulled into one of the private harbors of Angel Grove's Lake Country. Tommykan and Kimbermé were the passengers on the aforementioned boat. As it pulled in, it hit...

No, not a land mind or a depth charge. They hit a family of ducks with the beak of their boat.

Shrugging off the sheer randomness of the event, Tommykan climbed out of the the boat first, and offered his hand to Kimbermé, who reluctantly took it. Some poor, underprivileged and underpaid sap who watched the boats was given the task of... you guessed it, watching the boats.

But this was no ordinary underprivileged bastard, he was also an undercover reporter who was no doubt about to record the crappy romantic lines that were sure to follow.

Kimbermé and Tommykan walked along a luxuriant walkway that... okay, we get it already, it's freakin' uber romantic, let's get on with the funny shall we?!

"We like, use to come here for school retreat," Kimbermé said. "We would swim to that nude beach everyday. I loved the water."

Tommykan coughed and started to sweat.

"When we, like, got there, me and the other girls I was with," Kimbermé continued. "We would lay out on the sand and let the sun tan our hot bods. And try to guess the names of the birds who were cooing. We'd swoon as we'd lie their naked, thinking about our Prince Charmings."

Tommykan was now gasping for air as the blood in his body was rushing to all sorts of areas. And who can blame the poor guy? Hell, I wanna go to this beach...

But for some reason, instead of keeping those mental images in his head, Tommykan started to think about... Sand! Of all things! SAND!

"I don't like sand," Tommykan said.

"Nobody dislikes sand," Kimbermé said, puzzled. "What's there to dislike about sand?"

"Well, you know," Tommykan began. "You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and it comes marching in and crawls up your leg and starts biting the inside of your ass. And you'll be all like 'Hey! Get out of my ass, you stupid sand!'"

There was an awkward silence.

"Tommykan, what the hell are you talking about?!" Kimbermé demanded.

"I'm talking about sand," Tommykan said. "I hate that friggin' stuff."

"...sand is that tan, grainy stuff you find at beaches," Kimbermé said.

"OH," Tommykan said. "SAND. Oh yeah, I like sand. Sand is cool."

"...what were you talking about?" Kimbermé asked, her face contorted by confusion and fear of the answer.

"Huh? Oh, nothing," Tommykan said. "Forget it."

"No!" Kimbermé cried. "What marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?!"

"Nothing!" Tommykan whined.

More silence followed.

"But anyway..." Tommykan began after a while. "I don't like that... non-sand thing... because it's all rough and scratchy. Not like here. Where everything's so soft... and smooth... and bouncy..."

"Get your hand off of them right now," Kimbermé said flatly.

"Sorry," Tommykan gulped, quickly pulling his hand away.

And then, without any warning or hint, Kimbermé grabbed Tommykan by his face and planted a big fat kiss on his lips. Tommykan was taken aback by this but soon settled into the mood and started fondling Kimbermé all over, letting his wildest fantasies come to life...

...until Kimbermé suddenly drew back and slapped the shit out of Tommykan.

"No, I shouldn't have done that!" Kimbermé said quickly.

Tommykan was too flabbergasted to even voice a complaint. There were only three words that kept repeating through his mind over and over again without letup.

"What," "The," and "Fuck."

* * * * *

Back on Aquitar, Aurico and Delphine were giving Jason the grand tour of the "units". The units in question turned out to be a huge, massive army of gray-suited warriors with the ugliest faces this side of the Dark Star Galaxy.

Still, Jason was impressed at their sheer size in numbers.

"Holy shit," Jason said to himself.

See? He was impressed.

"I'd hoped you'd be pleased," Aurico announced. He then turned to Delphine and gestured "no" while Jason wasn't looking. "Clones can think creatively," he said. "Unfortunately, ours are barely above kindergarten level. Budget cuts and all that."

Jason turned and glared at the Aquitian.

"Despite this, they've done surprisingly well in our combat education and training programs," Aurico assured him. "This batch was baked about five years ago."

"You mentioned growth acceleration...?" Jason asked.

"Of course," Aurico answered. "It's essential. Otherwise a mature Putty would take a lifetime to bake."

"Putty...?" Jason asked, confused at the term.

"Our nickname for them," Aurico explained. "For some reason, their flesh comes out a soft, yet hard material. Similar to silly putty."

Jason nodded.

"They're totally obedient as well," Aurico went on. "And take any order without question. We modified their genetic structure to make them less independant than their original host."

"And who was that?" Jason asked.

"A bounty hunter named Darkonda," Aurico answered.

"Darkonda?" Jason asked. "That's a weird name. Where is he?"

"Oh we keep him trapped... er, I mean, we keep him here," Aurico replied.

Jason raised an eyebrow, but thought nothing more on the subject. He probably should have, though.

"Apart from that bastard's pay, which WAS CONSIDERABLE, Darkonda demanded only one thing," Aurico started. "An unaltered Putty for himself. Funny, huh?"

Jason yawned and tried his best to pretend to be interested, even though he knew he was investigating a conspiracy of some sort.

"Unaltered you say?"

As Aurico explained all of this to Jason, we as the audience notice that the Putties are undergoing some serious kickass training. Weapons, hand to hand combat, and even dance choreography. These guys had some skills!

"No tampering with the genetic structure to make it more docile, and no growth acceleration," Aurico drummed on.

Jason had a hunch, or perhaps he had opened his copy of the Attack of the Stuff script, that Darkonda was the bounty hunter he was looking for. And perhaps, if he worked fast enough, he could get his part of the story done before Tommykan tried to sleep with Kimbermé!

FAT CHANCE OF THAT HAPPENING!

"I shall very much like to meet this bounty hunter," Jason said, now more interested in what was going on.

Delphine, who was still annoyed with Jason over their earlier encounter, was only all to happy to interject her voice into the conversation.

"I shall be very happy to arrange it for you," she cooed. So he can kill your ass later! she thought to herself.

They walked out onto a platform that overlooked the Putties preforming a drill march. Thousands upon thousands of these gray-suited warriors preformed their dance choreography to the tune of a very familar song...

Tick tock, tick tock
You're running out of time
No time to stop
Cause they are close behind

When they come knock
They better know it's time
I've got the lock
To keep them all in line

Well you can't run and you can't hide
When the evil's got you inside
C-C-C-COMBAT
C-C-C-COMBAT

* * * * *

Elsewhere in the cosmos, Tommykan and Kimbermé were out having a picnic in A GIANT, OPEN FIELD WITH NO COVER BY TREES OR ROCKS OR ANYTHING. Because that's what you do with someone who's IN DANGER OF BEING ASSASSINATED.

"Oh, I don't know," Kimbermé said as they continued a conversation about some boring shit we don't care about.

"Oh yes you do, you just won't tell me," Tommykan said.

"You gonna use one of your Power Ranger mind tricks on me?" she mocked.

"Not for that," he grinned.

Since we have to get around to Kimbermé liking him at some point, she found the line charming and flirty and cute and all that crap. So she proceeded to tell him.

"Alright," she began. "I was 15. The slumber party had been going on for a while. Alcohol was involved. My God... the memories... the horrors..." Kimbermé was staring out into space now, oblivious to reality. "NO! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!" she screamed suddenly.

Completely terrified by that point, Tommykan reached over and slapped her, snapping her out of it and bringing her back to reality.

"Wha happen?" she asked, dazed.

"Don't you EVER do that again!" Tommykan snapped at her, wide-eyed.

"Uh, like, whatever," Kimbermé said dismissively. "Anyways, at the party I met this guy named Benta. He was a hot black guy, and I had a thing for black guys...and their things..."

Tommykan groaned. "All right, I get the picture. Whatever happened to his black ass?"

Kimbermé shrugged. "He went on to become a horrible, horrible actor, and I went into public service."

Inward, Tommykan breathed a relieved sigh. Outward, he tried to maintain an aura of confidence... although he was feeling slightly inadequate when Kimbermé had mentioned "black things."

"Maybe he was the smart one," Tommykan finally said, a bit sarcastically.

Kimbermé wrinkled her nose at Tommykan... don't worry folks, it gets more interesting from here!

"You, like, don't care for politicians, do you?" she asked in a surprised tone.

I'm trying to bone you, and you think I don't like politicians?! Tommykan thought.

"I like two or three, but... okay, let's just stop beating around the bush here," Tommykan said suddenly. "I think our political system of Mall Managers and Supreme Owners sucks balls. If I had it my way we'd all be under a dictatorship!"

Kimbermé paused, shocked and horrified. Then, as if to question her intelligence further, she said "That sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me!"

Tommykan slapped his forehead, hard.

"You say that one more time and I'll Power-choke you so hard your heart'll break," he growled.

"Wha?" she asked, having missed what he said.

"Nothing..." Tommykan sighed.

"...you're making fun of me!" she wrongly deduced.

"Oh, no," he laughed. "I'd be much too anxious to bone a manager. I mean, wait, what?"

Time passed, and Kimbermé and Tommykan were spending their time romping through the field and riding atop the indigenous... what the hell are those things? No, seriously. What the hell, ILM? They look like fucking potatoes with legs.

Well, anyway, Tommykan was being a dumbass and riding his potato-beast like a surfboard. Naturally, he fell off and nearly got trampled by the animal.

Kimbermé, tiring of romping and having nothing better to do, decided to throw her arms into the air and run to see if her protector had been injured.

And run she did... bouncy bouncy bouncy...

"Tommy!" Kimbermé cried. "Tommy, are you all right?"

Unbeknownst to her, Tommykan had peaked an eye open and saw all of Kimbermé's bouncy goodness bounding towards him. By the time she had rolled him over to see if he was all right, Tommykan was already laughing... laughing that he was so fortunate to have a hot girl, his dream girl no less, so concerned about him.

Kimbermé, of course, mistook his laughter for playfulness and the two proceeded to laugh together and roll around in the grass. Tommykan discreetly used the Power to unhook certain strings in her dress so that the top of it came down as they rolled. Kimbermé ended up on top of Tommykan as their rolling came to an end, and certain parts of her were hanging down, practically staring him in the eyes.

...

Kimbermé's not totally in love with Tommykan yet, as outlined in her contract, so we'll just cut away from this scene before bad, painful things start to happen to him...

* * * * *

Meanwhile, far off on Aquitar, an Aquitian bursts out of the sea, riding atop a really cool-looking CGI dragon-manta ray-looking thing. But, it has absolutely nothing to do with the story, so let's move on.

Delphine had lead Jason to a certain bounty hunter's living quarters. She rang the bell and awaited an answer.

Suddenly, the door opened. A child-sized, robot-like... uh, child opened the door. He looked up at Delphine, who would've smiled in response had Aquitians not be completely creepy and almost entirely emotionless.

"Wow," Jason said, looking at the robot kid in surprise. "You're a lot shorter than I expected."

"That's not Darko---argh!" Delphine groaned. She turned to the child. "Deviot, is your father here?" she asked.

"Yeah," Deviot said in a reverberating robot voice. Turning away from them and walking into the room, he shouted "Dad, Delphine's here!"

The two followed him into the room. They looked around and saw another being come out of the hall and join them.

"Ah, Darkonda," Delphine said. "Welcome back."

Jason turned to meet the bounty hunter. His face was a scary mixture of red and black. He wore a suit of jagged, red and orange armor. Spikes jutted out everywhere.

"Was your trip productive?" Delphine asked.

"Didn't suck," Darkonda muttered.

"This is Power Ranger Master Jason-Lee Kenobi," she introduced. "He's come to check on our progress."

Jason got some major bad vibes eminating from Darkonda. He immediately went into "I know you're a bad guy and I know you know I know you're a bad guy, y'know?" mode.

"Your Putties are very impressive. You must be very proud," he said.

"I'm just a simple alien trying to make my way in the universe," Darkonda chuckled evilly. Cause he's evil, folks.

"I must say, though..." Jason said. "They don't really look like you."

Delphine's head dropped in embarassment. "We're not very good cloners," she admitted.

Jason turned his attention back to Darkonda. "You ever make it as far out as Eltar?"

"Once or twice," Darkonda said.

"Recently?" Jason asked.

"Possibly."

"Then you must know Master Saba-Dyas."

Darkonda's eyes narrowed. He turned to Deviot.

"Deviot. seekrit aleeun laingwig dat meenz heez ohntuu uss an weee nede tuu gett teh hel owta heer"

Deviot nodded and left the room.

Darkonda turned back to Jason. "Master who?"

"Saba-Dyas," Jason stressed again. "Is he not the Power Ranger who hired you for this job?"

Darkonda made sure to get real up close and ugly in Jason's face. "Never heard of 'em."

Jason wasn't buying this bullshit however, especially since he was on the clock. "Really?"

Darkonda stepped back and whispered in a Dr. Evil-like voice. "Really."

He then took a step forward and got back in Jason's face. "I was recruited by an alien named Vile on one of the moons of Phaedos."

Oh-ho, Jason was loving this horse shit. He couldn't help but to flash a snarky smile. "Curious."

There was a long, awkward pause in the room. Darkonda didn't like the way things were going, and he knew he needed to get the hell out of there... LIKE RIGHT NOW.

"Do you like your Putty Army?" Darkonda cleverly asked.

Jason thought about that for a second. And he found that he honestly did like those Putties, they had a certain undeniable, almost nostalgic charm about them.

"Uh, yeah, actually," Jason finally answered.

"Good," Darkonda said. "Because they'll do their job well, I'll gurantee that."

Jason really didn't like the emphasis Darkonda put on "their job". Perhaps it would come back to haunt him in Episode III?

Nah...

"Thank you for your time, Darkonda," Jason said with a half-hearted bow.

Darkonda didn't miss a beat. "Always a pleasure to meet a Power Ranger."

I bet, Jason thought.

And with that, Jason and Delphine left, but not before Jason flashed Darkonda a glance that clearly said (in classic AHNOLD fashion) "AH'LL BEE BAHCK."

Once the door closed, Darkonda and Deviot looked at each other... and practically dove for their belongings because it was time to get the hell out of dodge!

* * * * *

Back on Angel Grove, where things were perfectly boring and romantic, Tommykan and Kimbermé sat down to a dinner of pizza. Oh, you thought they were gonna eat fruit for dinner? What the hell do you think this? A vegetarian's delight? Hell to the no!

So they both wolfed down their slices of pizza and drank beer. They even had a bit of a belching contest.

"Nice, one," Tommykan said after Kimbermé expelled a particularly deep-throated burp.

Kimbermé innocently wiped her mouth with her napkin and grinned at Tommykan. "So, you were saying?"

"Oh," Tommykan remembered. "So when I got to them, we went into Mighty Morphin Negotiations..."

"Mighty Morphin Negotiations? What's that?" Kimbermé asked.

Tommykan slyly grinned and answered "Negotiations with a Powersaber."

They both chuckled at Tommykan's attempt to be charming. Contractual obligations, you get the idea.

Kimbermé attempted to pour herself some more beer. Tommykan used that opportunity to show off by using his skills of the POWER to pour her drink for her from the pitcher. Instead, Tommykan started focusing on her incredibly lucious cleavage and ended up pouring the beer on Kimbermé instead of into her glass!

"Oh shit..." Tommykan mumbled.

Kimbermé gasped, she was completely speechless.

Conveniently Tommykan used a new technique to clean off Kimbermé's dress and to dry her off. A green aura appeared around her body for but a mere second, and in the next second she was clean and dry. Again Kimbermé was astonished, but this time, happily so.

Tommykan played it off like it was nothing.

"If Master Jason caught me doing that, he'd be a jealous bastard!"

He continued his showboating. Using the Power, he caused what was left of her beer to fly up out of the bottle and shape itself into letters...

Soon Kimbermé could read his beer-message:

"YOU'RE HOT."

* * * * *

Suddenly, the pair was sitting on a bed, in the dark, the fireplace glowing... all right! Tommykan and Kimbermé are about to get it on!

"From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a moment has gone by where I haven't thought of you."

...oh. Or not. Damn.

Christ, I don't know what's worse. That they're not about to partake in some sweet Power Ranger lovin', or that it wasn't the woman that said the above sentance.

"And now that we're together again, I'm in agony!" Tommykan whimpered like a lovesick 14-year-old. "The closer I get to you, the harder it gets. The situation! The harder the situation gets!"

Kimbermé squirmed in her seat. She wondered if there was anything good on TV right now.

"I'm haunted by the totally hot kiss - With tongue! Yes, I felt it! - that you shouldn't have given me," he went on.

Kimbermé was really starting to get uncomfortable now.

"I am tormented by my heart aching into my soul which is destroying the very---" Tommykan was quickly interrupted by the manager.

"Alright already!" Kimbermé snapped, standing up. "Look, Tommykan, I admit you're kinda hunky and all but... You're really crowding my personal space right now and I really don't like you in that way and I just need to, like, clear my head and think everything through and just be really happy with me before I go ahead with any relationships."

"So you do want to be with me!" Tommykan jumped up, grinning like an idiot.

"Don't push it," Kimbermé said.

"Aw man."

* * * * *

Back on Aquitar, Jason was saying his farewells to Aurico and Delphine. In fact, Delphine seemed a little too eager to see Jason out the door. I wonder what the reason was for that, eh?

"Tell your council the first batallions are ready, and remind them, if they need more Putties, it will take time to bake them," Delphine said.

Jason nodded. "I won't forget and... DEAR GOD, YOU'RE UGLY!"

Delphine huffed again, turned tail, and left, never to be seen in the entire saga ever again. Jason grinned and shook his head at a waste of a character. He had hoped that the next time he went on an adventure by himself, he would at least run into some good looking aliens.

Wirez detected this line of thought and his B.S. Alarm blared loudly for Jason to hear.

Jason was getting drenched as he walked back out into the storm. He leapt hundreds of feet in the air towards his Zord... only to land right by its perched head on the landing pad, where Wirez was hooked into his droid socket.

"Wirez!" Jason called out, ignoring the droid's alarm. "Scramble Code 5 to Eltar! And call collect!"

A small transmitter appeared out of Wirez's head and pointed towards the sky. Instantenously, Jason was online with Masters Lerigot and T.J. as they were still watching Kimbermé's shower video. His sudden holographic appearance disrupted the streaming video.

* * * * *

"Goddammit!" both T.J. and Lerigot cursed.

"I have successfully made contact with the prime minister of Aquitar," Jason announced. "They are using a bounty hunter named Darkonda to create a clone army of Putties. I have a strong feeling that this is the assassin we are looking for!"

T.J. and Lerigot glared at Jason for an uncomfortable amount of time. Jason gulped and dared to find out what had pissed them off so much.

"Masters?!" Jason asked, yelling over the loudness of Aquitar's storm.

"A better time, could you not have called back?!" Lerigot yelled.

"But, Master!" Jason pleaded. "I have vital informa---"

"Asshole!" T.J. cursed. "We were in the middle of important Ranger deliberations! Call back later, muthafucka!"

Before Jason could get in another word, Lerigot rashly cut off the transmission. He and T.J. then chuckled to themselves as the tuned back into Kimbermé's infamous showering scene.

* * * * *

"Screw this," Jason told himself. "If you wanna do something right..."

Jason turned back and ran for the city. He had a bet to win and a bounty hunter to arrest!

* * * * *

Back at Eltar, T.J. and Lerigot paused a moment before restarting Kimbermé's video.

"Is now a good time to spit out some throwaway line about a subplot that goes absolutely nowhere as soon as I'm done saying it?" T.J. asked.

"Not now," Lerigot said. "After in the shower, Manager Acrobatica is done."

* * * * *

Tommykan lied in his bed, groaning, sweating, squirming... no it wasn't what you thought it was, he was having an honest to God nightmare-vision-thing.

He mumbled in his sleep... something having to do with his mother, Rita, and probably danger of some sort. Maybe from our version of Tusken Raiders in this story. But what PR troops would we use in place of the Tuskens? Read on to find out!

...Oh, it's the next day already.

Tommykan stood out on the archway that overlooked the nude beach we wrote about earlier. It looked like he was trying to focus on being stoic and strong, but really, he was just weeping bitterly, like Jason and Zordon did before him.

Meanwhile, Kimbermé walked out from her bedroom looking like she just got out of the makeup trailer on the set of a major movie. I mean, seriously, who wakes up in the morning and looks THAT GOOD? NOBODY I TELL YOU! NOBODY!

Anyways, she just wore a simple pink gown and that fit her hourglass figure right down to the curves. Man, she went from denying Tommykan the privilege of ravaging her the other night, to practically wearing clothes that begged him to bed her. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

Okay, enough complaining, on with the funny...

Kimbermé suddenly remembered that she had a Hot Pocket heating up in her bedroom microwave and turned back to get it.

"Don't go," Tommykan groaned.

"I don't want to disturb you," Kimbermé said, when really, all she wanted to do was get her breakfast.

"Your pressence, it soothes my soul. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets!" Tommykan rambled on.

Kimbermé glared at Tommykan, and our poor Ranger remembered that he was trying not to sound like a pre-teen school boy writing his first romance novel. So he quickly changed his tune.

"I mean, uhh," Tommykan droned on.

Kimbermé sighed and resigned herself to not getting her microwaveable food for now. She'd just have to reheat it later. "You had another nightmare last night," she said.

"Power Rangers don't have nightmares," Tommykan rebutted.

"Dude, I totally heard you scream 'Help! I'm having a nightmare!' last night," Kimbermé said.

"I saw my mother, Kimbermé," Tommykan said, ignoring what she'd said. "I saw her clearly as I see you now. I'd forgotten how ugly she was."

Kimbermé wondered if her Hot Pocket could still be warm by now.

"I'm sorry, I know this is all rebelious and everything, but I've got to go help her!" Tommykan cried. "I have to save her!"

Eh, fuck the Hot Pocket, this could be exciting, Kimbermé thought. "I'll go with you," she said.

"YEAH, WELL FUCK YOU TOO, MANAGER!" Tommykan snapped. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT--- oh. Oh, you will? Cool."

* * * * *

This is our last scene on Aquitar, we swear.

When we last left Darkonda and Deviot, they were making a mad dash to get the hell off of the planet. They hastily packed away their belongings into their Zord ship, the aptly named TerrorZord, an immense humanoid robot with a bull's face and a bull's horns.

Unfortunately, our dynanmic duo of bounty hunters, well, one professional bounty hunter and one pip-squeak, didn't get away fast enough. Jason dashed through the door, hot on their tails, not only to arrest them but also to win the bet.

Deviot pointed one of his scrawny arms in Jason's direction and screamed "Dad, look!"

Darkonda whipped his head around and growled to himself. "Daw, shit!"

In classic Power Rangers form, Jason gestured dramatically towards Darkonda as he spoke. "You aren't gonna get away this time, Darkonda! I swear I'll make you pay for all you've done!"

Darkonda raised an eyebrow at Jason. "Uh, you mean kicking back and making millions while ugly Aquitian scientists clone me?"

Jason pointed a strong finger at Darkonda... but realized he didn't have a witty comeback for such a simple explanation. Finally he just whipped out his Powersaber, he was on the clock after all.

Darkonda shook his head and pulled out his sidearm.

"Deviot, get on board!" Darkonda commanded.

Jason dashed towards Darkonda while Deviot hightailed it for the zord. Darkonda squeezed the trigger of his side arm several times, sending powerful bolts of energy Jason's way.

One blast whizzed past Jason's forehead, drawing some blood. And that's when he remembered, he hadn't morphed yet. So if he got shot at this point, there would be a nice, oozing hole in his chest rather than sparks and burn marks on his diamond-shaped Ranger costume. Jason activated his Power Morpher and let loose with the familiar cry:

"TYRANNOSAURUS!"

The iconic helmet materalized out of nowhere, signifying his power. Meanwhile, Darkonda blasted the hell out of him and thus Jason was thrown back from the Force (™ and © Lucasfilm Ltd.) of the weapon.

He struggled to get up and clutched the diamond design on his chest, which, yep, had burn marks and sparked.

"Shit," Jason cursed. "I'm getting goddamn rusty."

Then Jason noticed some more blasts heading his way, courtesy of a now high-flying, jetpacking Darkonda. Jason quickly ducked out of the way while Darkonda took cover behind a nicely designed tall structure on the landing pad.

Deviot, meanwhile, powered up the TerrorZord. The mighty blue machine started coming to life.

The site of the TerrorZord activating distracted Jason long enough for him to be nailed by a yellow lightning blast from Darkonda. The bolt sent Jason flying back again.

Suddenly, the TerrorZord's chest panels opened. Out came a hail of red energy bolts that continued to assault the Red Ranger.

Jason regained his wits just in time to see Darkonda diving straight at him.

"Enough of this shit," Jason growled. "AYE-YAH!"

With a mighty leap, Jason leapt into the air and delivered a rather sweet-looking kick to Darkonda's midsection. Sparks burst from the impact point and the bounty hunter crumpled to the ground. Jason was on him in an instant, landing a few good blows to the face.

Unfortunately, Darkonda chose that moment to unsheathe his sword and jam its blade into Jason's gut. Though protected by his Ranger suit, it was enough to send the Ranger - yes, you guessed it - flying back.

Darkonda once again took to the air, and as Jason tried to use the Power to summon his Powersaber back into his hands, the bounty hunter lassoed his hands together with a grappling chain.

Jason quickly realized he was now attached to the rocketing Darkonda.

"Oh, fuck beans."

Darkonda took Jason on one of the wildest rides of his life. Jason slammed into boxes and crates and carts and wheelbarrels and... wait a minute, what the hell? What was a wheelbarrel doing on Aquitar?

Jason decided he had had enough of Darkonda's foolishness. He Force(™ and © Lucasfilm Ltd.)d himself into a tumble, close by a pillar, and wrapped part of the chain around the pillar so as to pull Darkonda out of the sky.

The plan worked a little too well. Not only did Darkonda ground hard, but he crashed through the freaking movie set that this set the scene was filming on!

Darkonda's abrupt landing injured several people on the set, including the stunt technicians, the caterer, some of the sound recorder guys and even one of the producers.

Not apologizing for what had happened, Darkonda shot back up the hole he created and got back into the fight with Jason. Or at least he would have if he could have remembered what he did with his sidearm.

Then he spotted it on the ground and dove for it... actually, he slipped and chipped one of his teeth, but that's a story for another time.

Darkonda took aim at Jason but failed to realize the Master Ranger was charging him like the aforementioned bull and landed another sweet kick on Darkonda. The red-and-orange bounty hunter went flying off the side of the platform. Unfortunately for him, his jetpack had been badly damaged when he crashed through the set, so he was unable to blast himself to safety.

Jason gestured dramatically again, thinking the battle was over.

But he remembered that he was still wrapped up in Darkonda's chain. And it was rapidly pulling him towards the edge that he just sent Darkonda flying over.

"Fuck beans times two!"

The two combatants slid down, down, down the side of the platform, which they quickly realized was many miles above sea level. Darkonda held out his arm and extended the spikes in its armor plating, and then used them to stab into the metal of the platform. The grappling chain jerked as Jason also came to a stop.

A moment of silence passed.

"I knew this wasn't a good place to hang out," Jason quipped.

"Oh, you die for that," Darkonda growled. He pulled out his sword and sliced the chain off, sending the Red Ranger plummeting to his death.

Slowly yet surely, Darkonda made his way back to the top of the platform. He stayed on his hands and knees momentarily, catching his breath. He eventually stood and nodded to Deviot in the TerrorZord's cockpit, letting his son know he had survived.

He quickly ran to and boarded the TerrorZord. Rockets started firing from the mighty machine's feet and the TerrorZord began lifting into the sky.

In a flash of red, Jason reappeared on the platform.

He had very nearly smashed into the surface of the sea before he remembered he could use his Power Morpher belt buckle to teleport.

"Oh, dammit all," he cursed as he saw that the TerrorZord was airborn.

Having missed out on a really kickass victory with the Power Rangers theme song and everything, he quickly pulled a small Power Box out of his suit and with a mighty, Power-assisted heave, he tossed it at the TerrorZord. The tiny tracking device attached itself to the Zord and started flashing.

Jason, exhausted, fell on his butt and sighed.

"I'm getting too old for this shit."

* * * * *

In space, yet another Dino Thunder Pterodactyl soared through the vast vaccum of the stars. You could even say, they went "across the stars", heheh. Anyways, the planet they were journeying was... oh no, ONYX? I thought we were done with that shithole planet back in Episode I! Oh well... so they were flying to the planet in search of... well, why don't we just show you instead of telling you?

After their ship had landed at the Rock Ridge 3000 spaceport, Tommykan and Kimbermé disembarked and took a Crabby Cabbie into the city, to their first lead. Tommykan was surprisingly quiet during the trip, something that kind of disturbed Kimbermé because she had gotten so used to Tommykan's perverted quips.

They eventually arrived at Squatto's old shop, which they found was in a bit of disarray. Most of the windows were missing, the walls were falling apart and the sign out front had eroded down the middle and now read "Squatto's Spa Arts." Squatto himself wasn't looking too well either, having grown a beard and was wearing a rather ugly-looking hat to keep the sun out of his eyes. He was also missing one of his shoulder-hubcap-things.

He was currently having a pretend argument with a tiny pit droid, and he kicked the damn thing as it annoyed him further. Then he screamed in pain as he realized he had just broken his toes.

Tommykan and Kimbermé had gotten out of their cabbie.

"Wait right there," Tommykan said to the machine.

"Yeah, whatever buddy, you still gotta pay!" the cab creature retorted.

Tommykan then turned his attention to Squatto, who was now weeping bitterly... something that seems to happen to a lot of people who visit this planet.

"Greetings, Squatto," Tommykan said to his former slave owner in the native tongue. "Let me help you with that."

Squatto looked up at Tommykan, not recognizing who he was... and flew into a flurry of punches and kicks, none of which carried much strength behind them.

Clearly, Squatto had gone quite batty over the years.

Tommykan kicked the little bastard in the nuts, and he fell down, howling in pain. Squatto writhed around on the ground in agony. How dare this ass just walk up to his shop and kick him in the... wait, kick him in the nuts?

"Tommy?" Squatto asked. "Little Tommy?"

Crap, he recognizes me, Tommykan thought.

"It is you!" Squatto cried. He jumped to his feet, the impact bringing more pain to his crotch. "Ow... ow..." He winced and ignored it. "And you're a Power Ranger! Whaddya know! Hey, maybe you could gimme a hand with some jerkoffs that owe me a lotta dough?"

"That's not really why I'm here, Squatto," Tommykan said.

"Alright, fine," Squatto nodded. "Well what about that Zordon guy that freed you? Maybe he'd do it! How's he doing?"

"Dead," Tommykan said simply.

"...oh," Squatto said. Then he chuckled. "Hah! I DID outlive him! I knew I would!"

Squatto laughed crazily to himself for a few minutes before stopping and looking up at Tommykan. "So why're you here, Tommy?" he asked, wiping a tear away.

"I'm here for my mother," Tommykan told him.

Squatto gulped. He glanced at Tommykan's Powersaber nervously, then looked back up at Tommykan. "Uhm, yeah, about that..."

Tommykan glared questioningly at the parts dealer. "About what?"

"I don't know how to tell ya this, Tommy, but she's not mine anymore," Squatto said. "I sold her off years ago! It was costing me thousands to keep her in aspirin! I sold her to a guy named Hartford. I think it was that. Coulda been Zordon for all I know... I was pretty drunk at the time. Anyway, I heard that the guy freed her, and then married her! Can you believe that? That stupid, unlucky sunuvabitch! Hahaha!"

Squatto started another laughing fit before noticing Tommykan and Kimbermé glaring at him.

"Uh, yeah, so, uh, I think he's on the opposite side of Rock Ridge 3K," Squatto said, clearing his throat. "Let's go look at my records huh? Ya want? Please don't skin me alive with yer Powersaber, huh?"

Kimbermé followed Squatto and Tommykan inside the shop, wondering where this little side adventure was going to end up. She strangely found herself marveling at the way Tommykan was handling the situation. Marveling... and slightly aroused... and her contractual obligation had nothing to do with how she felt this time, hehehe.

* * * * *

Somewhere else in space, the immense TerrorZord emerged from its lightspeed travel over the planet of Phaedos. Darkonda and Deviot were still cracking up over how badly that idiot Power Ranger Jason got his ass handed to him in that fight back on Aquitar.

That laughter came to an abrupt halt a moment later when their Zord's sensors detected a Red Dragon starfighter emerge from hyperspace behind them and pursuing them on a direct course.

"Daw, shit, dad, I think we're being tracked!" Deviot stated.

"Da hell?!" Darkonda cursed, glancing down at his screen.

It was then that the sensors on the TerrorZord displayed the insignia of a Mall tracking device sitting just above their windshield.

"That cheeky bastard," Darkonda said of Jason. "Hang on son, we're moving into the asteroid field."

Suddenly, the "Asteroid Field" theme from Star Wars started to play over the TerrorZord's sound system.

"WRONG EPISODE!" both Darkonda and Deviot screamed.

The music promptly shut off. Darkonda switched his radio to the Mighty RAW Station because he knew he wanted to groove to something awesome while taking care of his pesky pursuer. A rock beat with a high and fast tempo, typical for a Mighty RAW song, immediately played over the radio. Darkonda and Deviot started to nod their heads... that is, until the lyrics actually started to play.

When you need a hero to protect the place you live
Fighting monsters all around who try to get within
Awesome power, no surrender, Rangers never fall
Look to the sky as they arrive, when you hear this call

Go, Power Rangers!
Fly, Power Rangers!
Win, Power Rangers!
Here we go!

Jason was also listening to this song, and unlike Darkonda and Deviot, he liked what he heard. "Hehehe. Hell yeah, this kicks ass!" he cheered to himself.

Darkonda had had enough of this. Once he was sure that he had Jason perfectly lured into his trap, he activated the TerrorZord's weapon system and unleashed a favorite bomb of his... one that would give Jason quite a charge!

Pun intended.

Wirez screeched as his sensors analyzed the weapon and calculated its destructive yield. Jason wanted to weep bitterly, but he didn't have the time.

"SEISMIC CHARGES OH SHIT!" he screamed.

He twisted the Red Dragon away from the charge just as it released a powerful shockwave that blasted his eardrums beyond their tolerance.

Jason couldn't even hear himself screaming "FUCK!" over and over again as the shockwave continued to follow him and rip thousands of asteroids to shreds around his ship.

Darkonda snickered to himself. "Take this, asshole!"

Another seismic charge deployed from the TerrorZord. Jason again pulled his Zord fighter into a tight turn just as the charge exploded. This time, both the sound of the shockwave and the destructive energy itself seemed the follow the Master Ranger, no matter how skillfully he piloted his Zord through the chaotic asteroid field.

Darkonda noticed the destruction taking place through his Zord's aft camera. He growled as he saw the Red DragonZord still mostly in one piece.

"Cheeky bastard doesn't seem to take a hint," Darkonda growled. With a flick of the controls, Darkonda sent the TerrorZord flying into the hole of a particularly gigantic asteroid.

"But Dad," Deviot began. "The chances of successfully navigating this asteroid are precisely---"

"Finish that sentance and you're grounded forever," Darkonda growled.

Jason, meanwhile, was right on their tails. The Red Dragon soared into the giant asteroid and expertly navigated through the treacherous tunnels.

The TerrorZord, however, came dangerously close to smashing into the asteroid's "ceiling."

"Watch out!" Deviot cried.

"IT'S A TRAP!"

"Where the hell did Admiral Ackbar come from? Darkonda asked.

"No idea," Deviot responded.

Seconds later, both the TerrorZord and the Red Dragon burst from the massive cave, leaving the asteroid behind them.

Suddenly, the giant white asteroid worm stuck its head out of the cave exit.

"Wait, I wasn't paying attention, come back!" it roared. "GET IN MAH BELLY!"

Meanwhile, the TerrorZord had managed to swing around and end up behind the Red Dragon. The evil machine fired devious blasts from its chest and head horns that the Red Dragon was just barely avoiding.

Suddenly, one the the blasts struck Wirez in the head. But since he's not Circuit, he doesn't get to do the famous "WOOOOAAAAAH!" scream. Screw him.

In the TerrorZord cockpit, Deviot was pleased. "We got him!" he cried.

"Now we just need to finish him off, once and for all!" Darkonda cackled. He pressed a button on the control panel.

Suddenly, within the TerrorZord's right hand appeared a giant axe. With a mighty heave, the TerrorZord sent the axe spinning at the Red Dragon. Now spinning like a buzzsaw, the axe seemed to start homing in on Jason's Zord.

And the music in the scene kicked up a few notches, which meant Jason was definitely in trouble. Like being back in a speeder with Tommykan on Eltar, Jason weaved and bobbed his Zord around every possible rock that could cover his tracks. But nope, this buzzsaw followed him everywhere and it was closing in on him with a vengeance.

Jason knew what he had to do to get out of this alive.

And unfortunately, it was going to cost something that was very dear to him.

"Wirez, prepare to jettison my spare porn canisters!"

Each of those canisters contained hundreds of data-spheres worth of the best alien porn the galaxy had ever seen.

The buzzsaw locked onto the canisters and targeted them for detonation. In a second, hundreds of hours of the best scenes of "getting it on" were destroyed instantly.

And Jason bitterly wept... he knew he should have backed up those files before he left Eltar...

Back on the TerrorZord, Darkonda couldn't help but to smirk at the destruction he caused.

"Well, d