KingRed
03-29-2006, 08:33 PM
I Can’t Believe It’s Not X-Play
Episode 103
by Frankie Rodriguez
Note: here is an exclusive sneak peek of what I am working on besides Savioranger. It's Part Fanfic, Part Review show!
And welcome to the third edition of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not X-Play’. We review like them but not video games. Please don’t sue me G4. All references to stuff not mine belong to their owners. Yes. If it ain’t mine, they belong to their owners. I write these myself.
Announcer: You can get with this or you can get with . . . King Red and Queen Blue.
King Red and Queen Blue look at each other then at the camera.
King Red: You really wanna get with me?
Queen Blue: I am not some cheap hooker. You’re gonna need to whine me and dine me.
King Red: So you’re an expensive hooker.
Queen Blue: Absolutely.
King Red: Welcome to another addition of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not X-Play’.
Queen Blue: And we do have quite a show for today.
King Red: Yes . . . a show that will bring about destruction and ruin . . . mostly to us.
Queen Blue: We have a review of the first arc on Naruto . . . in the American dub. And boy . . . is that gonna be one huge review.
King Red: Believe It.
Queen Blue: We then review another Power Rangers Fanfic . . . dealing with a space epic with Power Rangers Peacekeepers.
King Red: Believe It.
Queen Blue: And finally . . . for all you classic Transformers fans who need a fix of G1 goodness that America never got in the past . . . we got a treat. It’s the reprint of Marvel UK’s Transformers comic and the infamous storyline . . . Legacy of Unicron.
King Red: Believe It!
Queen Blue turns to King Red.
Queen Blue: Okay. I am all for fun and other stuff but this is a little ridiculous. We haven’t even started the Naruto review yet.
King Red: Believe It!
Queen Blue stands fuming.
Queen Blue: Say ‘believe it’ one more time and I can’t be held responsible for what happens to you . . . most notably . . . your nards!
King Red looks fearful for a moment then covers his nards.
King Red: I’ll stop now.
Queen Blue: Good boy.
King Red: Evil witch.
Queen Blue: You know . . . you are really competing for annoying television character of the year.
King Red: Am I any more so annoying than a ninja in an orange jumpsuit?
Queen Blue pauses.
Queen Blue: No. No you’re not.
King Red: Maybe his annoying-ness comes from the fact that everyone kinda makes him an outcast and act like snobby upper-class republicans who ridicule the lone independent party member in the room.
Queen Blue: Now now. You don’t want to dissuade any republican readers out there, do you?
King Red: Well . . . actually . . the analogy works pretty well. Of course, if it was the democrats . . . some of them would act snobby and other’s would try to be down with you like a 40 plus year old white man hanging out with a bunch of 30 year old black and Hispanic gangsters.
Queen Blue: From annoying to politically opinated. What did they put in your drink?
King Red: I think a little bit of Puerto Rican Rum. I would like to get back to the fact that in Naruto there is not only an annoying fox boy . . . but a chick with a split personality disorder and a guy who thinks he knows how to do everything. And let’s not forget how wonderful it is for a teacher to force his students to starve each other in order to pass.
Queen Blue: You are all sorts of fun today. Here’s our review of the first arc of the dubbed Naruto.
I have come for my training . . . here in the Hidden Village of the Leaf . . .
Where I will learn the mystic arts of the ninja. I am starting out as a Genin . . . a young ninja to be. And with determination . . . I will one day become the greatest ninja and ruler of the Hidden Village of the Leaf . . . the Hokage.
What am I kidding? I barely went to class in high school. Heck . . . I used to duck out all the time and almost never got in trouble for it.
And I am suppose to sit here with a boy trying to do his best David Borenanz mean look impression; a girl with pink hair and a HUGE forehead and a guy who has blonde hair and wears an ORANGE jumpsuit. Come the fuck on!
Actually . . . my bitch fest kinda gave you a little summary on Naruto . . . a Super popular anime that pretty much gaining heights the on Dragonball Z ever touched. Yes . . . it is more popular than Pokemon and Yugioh. Why do I say that? Cause EVERYONE on the planet knows what Naruto is now . . .
Your dad. Your mom. Your big brother. Your little sister. Your sister in law. Your brother in law who is sleeping with your mom behind your older sister’s back. Your teachers. Your school bus driver. Even your gynecologist knows what Naruto is now.
But in case for some act of god you don’t know . . . all those things I mentioned about being a student and some classmates . . . are in the story. This first arc revolves around introducing you to Naruto and his surrounds and a very important mission the he and his teammates take; ending up with a big fight against another Androgynous male and a badass by the name of Zabuza.
The main character, Orange jumpsuit boy, is named Naruto. Naruto just so happens to not only be the WORST dressed student in the Ninja Academy; He’s also the WORST STUDENT in the academy. Now . . . this boy . . . was slightly annoying in the original Japanese version. But the American dubbed seemed to do something that was nearly unthinkable . . . make him so annoying that other annoying characters . . . such as the brother loving psycho Nanami from Revolutionary Girl, Beast Machines’s Nightscream, Former Turbo Ranger Justin and Transformers Wheelie and Daniel are all laughing and dancing for their titles have been stripped and given to this blonde, orange jumpsuit wearing bastard.
Why is Naruto so annoying in the dub? Well . . . besides the usual dumbing down storylines and violence for American audiences . . . there is his dub voice. And I am gonna apologize is I am too harsh at this moment but this must be said . . . Naruto’s dub voice is by far one of the worse dub choices in HISTORY. It is grating. It is annoying. I makes my ears want to explode and I kinda want them to after hearing that voice for more than 20 seconds. And the real kicker is Naruto’s catch phrase in the dub . . .
Believe it.
That little fox bounded bitch says Believe It at least ten times per episode. This is not an exaggeration. Watch the episode and count!
Enough of Naruto. How about the others: Forehead, psycho girl is Sakura. And pretty much, at least in the first arc, she does very little to help the boys. But you know she’s psycho cause you actually see her inner monologue and her talk throughout the course of the show. Actually . . .Sakura isn’t too bad . . . till she starts to whine. Then you kind just want to slap her . . . and I mean soap opera bitch slap her. As long as she’s not whining and she’s not too crazy with the inner monologue . . . she’s not bad. Her obsession , I mean, crush on Sasuke isn’t too bad either.
Which brings us to Sasuke. Sasuke just tries too hard to be cool. Sometimes . . . he pulls it off. Most times . . . you kind think he’s full of shit. He’s a good fighter and an interesting character. The dub made him out to be somewhat of a snob. Which he is but he’s . . . snobber here.
Of course, there are other characters. Like their teacher Kakashi. Okay . . . the guy walks around reading porno books in the Japanese version. In the American version . . . it’s romance novels. HOW FUCKING SAD! And I am sorry but that voice just does NOT fit Kakashi. It doesn’t work for him. It just seems . . . WRONG. And wait . . . I’m not sorry.
Ikuki or, as I like to call him . . . girlie boy . . .had a very good voice and most of his character stayed the same from the original. And Zabuza, voiced by Steven Blum . . . who pretty much was the voice of so many anime characters it ain’t funny, did a terrific job with Zabuza. My only complaint there is that Steven Blum was Zabuza and not one of the other voices later in the series. HELLO . . . Oorochimaru!!!!!
As usual, the animation was top notch. Everything was nice and crisp. And they kept all the instrumentals of the show which was a great move. Unfortunately . . . instead of the cool opening and kick ass ending that japan had . . . we get a rock instrumental that I can’t understand the words to every time it plays. For the love of GOD . . . why did you replace a good opening theme when you play other japanese openings for your other shows! And what’s worse . . . the ending theme for that first arc was in English in japan. Don’t believe me . . . the bloody ending is titled ‘Wind’ by Akeboshi! Listen to it! It is COMPLETELY in ENGLISH! Yet the management decided that it was not good enough to be on the dub.
The first arc in japan was not that great but it was a good foundation for the rest of the series. Unfortunately . . . the dub of Naruto has turned an average story . . . into a pile of steaming crap. I wouldn’t wipe my ass on this arc. Everyone is way too worried about the impression that having blood would have on the story. COME ON! Sometimes you take away from something and its okay. This time . . . it really hurt this first arc. You want a starting point . . . go to the second arc in the dub when the other students come in more. Or watch another anime . . . My god . . . this anime was BUTCHERED. And while the story is mostly the same . . . the slight rewritings and the HORRIBLE VOICES make me want to spend my time listening to people talk about hemorriods. I am not an anime purist but this was awlful. NO. . . not Awful. This was UBERSUCK. Cause of all these things we give the first arc of Naruto . . . 2 Believe Its! . . . out of 5.
Queen Blue looks at King Red. King Red looks at Queen Blue fearfully.
King Red: You do know that you just pulled an X-Play ‘Full Metal Alchemist/Naruto’ We Are Gonna Get Hate Mail deal right?
Queen Blue: Yep. But you know . . . the English Naruto is just an annoying bastard who I want to see get eaten alive. Or perhaps they could change the name of the show to Oorochimaru and just fix things.
King Red: We are SO gonna get Death Threats.
Announcer: When we come back . . . Being in space with a bunch of people can be a bitch in our review of Power Rangers Peacekeepers.
Announcer: Marked by crazed rabid anime fans . . . they are King Red and Queen Blue.
Queen Blue: Welcome back.
King Red: You are gonna get hanged by a bunch of Naruto pseudo ninjas.
Queen Blue: Is this before or after the androgyny club molests me then ask me for make up tips?
King Red: Maybe at the same time.
Queen Blue: Boy . . . I can feel the love.
King Red: Why not take a trip to outer space?
Queen Blue: Where I can spend the night?
King Red: Stellar. Anyway . . . our next review has us returning to the world of Power Rangers . . . kind of. This time . . . we take a look at space and empires and lots of different species. It doesn’t even sound like Power Rangers does it?
Queen Blue: No . . . which is odd. Does Disney know about this?
King Red: Disney knows about everything. That’s why it’s the magical kingdom.
Queen Blue: Since they know everything . . .they can tell me how to make more money and what is up with Mystic Force being all about Nick.
King Red: Um . . . okay. Anyway . . . it’s a space epic with Power Rangers galaxies and good writing. Don’t believe me? Here’s our review of the latest episode of Power Rangers Peacekeepers.
There are things out there . . . out in the depths of space.
All sorts of unknown worlds . . . unknown galaxies . . . possible different species . . . laid out in the vast cosmos.
And if we are lucky . . . they’ll be like some of the species in Farscape . . . weird, humanoid and . . . for some of them . . . Very very horny.
But like Farscape, Star Trek and Star Wars . . . space has been most notably known for telling epics.
Yet . . . most people wouldn’t say that Power Rangers is known for being epic. . . till now. Power Rangers Peacekeepers is a fanfic epic detailing the trials of a group of Rangers as they must preserve piece in the backdrop of a tension filled space. And what may seem like a kiddie show or joke to many . . . can be completely thrown out with this new work.
By the way, Peacekeepers has nothing to do with Sabations or Farscape. I promise. And while there was a Scorpius in Power Rangers Lost Galaxy . . . he could not really hold the candle to the sweet talking half Scarrian half Sabation bastard that haunted John Critchon’s life daily.
Anyway . . . the Peacekeepers. Set in the future, Peacekeepers has done an incredible job of reinventing many decent, cool or somewhat ok things that deal with Rangers in Space and Rangers as some kind of crime fighting body. Several empires are at a fever pitch in this fanfic, ready for all out war. It is the Rangers job to maintain peace . . . while still getting along together. Anyway . . . as you read the first four episodes, you get many many views of the universe that was mapped out thanks to PRiS, PRLG and SPD. Oh . . . and just to note, SPD is still SPD but without the events of the series occurring. While I was slightly skeptical about the move . . . to be honest, I think this fic turned out a lot better not following the show that seemed to be jamming it in your throat . . . or any other opening . . . and dumping stuff on you like a certain President and an assistant did. Several times.
The Omega Ranger starts to whine.
Omega Ranger: Hey! It is not my fault. But I am so cool. Me and my one wheel cycle. We are cool . . . aren’t we? Tell me you love me damn you!
King Red: Okay . . . um . . . you’re pathetic. Back to the review.
The Machine Empire is one of the major big bads in this. And while they were DECENT villains in Zeo . . .they are not the pathetic, cheap ass, recycled joke they became in Forever Red. Oh come on . . . you know this is true.
Red Lion Ranger from Power Rangers Wild Force: Wait! I saved the day with my cycle. That has to count as something. I mean . . . I am pretty and cool. And I was also on that reality show trying to get with an older rich British lady . . .
King Red: Um . . . I take back what I said to Omega Ranger earlier. He’s only annoying. YOU are pathetic.
Red Lion Ranger: But . . . Jason said I did a good job.
King Red: Of killing a bunch of recycled Beetleborg characters with different names and voiced by PR alumni! You’re NOT a hero. You’re a fuckin’ poof!
This time around, the Machine Empire are quite organized and vicious. In the fourth episode, they are pretty much relentless in chasing down our heroes in their ‘Megaship.’ They are cold. They are calculating. Just like we like our evil robots.
But the machines aren't the only villains. NO. There is the Vile Empire. And Pirates. Oh yes . . . Space Pirates. and are they as corny or ugly as that pathetic captain in the last third of Lost Galaxy . . . oh no. You see . . . There are just some things that even Paris won't put in her mouth. And while I ranted and raved just about the background, the allies and the baddies . . . what about the rangers themselves?
There are a host of characters from the regular Power Rangers universe that actually make it in this fic. We have Zhane, who was great in Space as the Silver Ranger but in the scheme of things had very little to in the aftermath of PRiS and made him this bad ass Admiral who could very well be the evolution of the man we saw on that show. Phantom Ranger also gets his coolness factor heightened by y3k use of him. Still some what enigmatic but more sociable. One of the biggest transformations has to be Blue Centurion. He was lame or decent in Turbo. Okay. Let’s be honest . . . Blue Centurion was a bigger joke that Justin was in Turbo. Most often . . . he was just there on the show. But y3k has changed him into a mentor that could very well outside Doggie Cruger, Tommy and even the sacred Zordon and that is almost worth watch several viewings of Glitter . . . almost. God . . . that movie sucked!
Then there are the Rangers themselves. There is Xolin . . . the Blue Rangers who seems to be opting to be the leader of this group. And she also seems to be a complete and total cunt. Trok who seems to be the brains of this group. Coros who seems to be tortured by a painful past. Sel, who seems to be acting a lot like Teen Titan’s own Raven . . . kinda goth like but fair cool. She does seem to spend a lot of time by herself. Finally . . . there is Sid . . . the Red Ranger. Who has so far been a smart ass, slight ego manic. Sid has had a very very painful past of his own; which is one of the driving forces for this fic. Pretty much . . . think of the Breakfast Club meets the OC meets Farscape meets Star Wars.
Y3k used the first two episodes to just introduce his PR Universe at that point in time. And that was a very very clever move. His third and forth episodes dives into the characters a bit more and fleshes out the personalities. Each ranger seem like living breathing sentient beings. Which means this is good . . . actually really good . . . unlike Whitney . . . ah poor Whitney. How you have so fallen . . . into a sea of blow. Allegedly.
Yet this fic could very well become fanfic crack! And I mean that in a good way. The characters are still very much developing at this point but I do admit . . . Sid is one of the most intriguing Red Rangers we've had in a long time. His backstory is compelling and his personality . . . well . . . he's a bit of an ass . . . and this time, I like that. Xolin will seemingly provide a lot of friction at this point and that's what I like about my characters . . . fiesty and distrusting. Kinda like the fans will never trust Justin again . . .bad Blue Turbo Ranger. Bad. You sneak under our Rocky's bed and steal his Turbo morpher! BAD Justin. I will go on record now and say that Sel is gonna be one of the sleeper characters of the show. This girl is gonna be spectacular . . . I certainly hope so . . . or else I will be spending some time bent over.
Overall . . . a very strong fic. To fans that have a vast knowledge of the PR verse, this is a treat that will make you stand up and say "Yes! This shit is good and I am gonna take it all in!" To fans that are fairly new or who came in around . . . Ninja Storm . . .don't worry. Y3k has seemingly made this fic accessible to you through conversations or narrations. We are still learning about the characters but I think that will be the fun part. Otherwise, every character had a voice, a style and a fashion of their own and that . . . people . . . is very very important. The Pacing is great and over all . . . I get exciting when I read this fic. So at this point I say this . . . READ this fic . . . twice . . . three times even. Read it, love it and enjoy it. The only bad is that to all the people that liked SPD, your SPD isn't gonna really show here . . . so that might turn some people off but other than that . . . this fic is just too strong to let that bring it down. We give Power Rangers Peacekeepers the highest honor with 5 great Rangers . . . out of 5.
Oh and Red Lion Ranger . . . GO SHOOT YOURSELF!
Red Lion Ranger: No. I won’t do it!
Omega Ranger points a gun at Red Lion Ranger. Red Lion Ranger starts to fume when Farscape’s Scorpius comes out.
Scorpius: That’s right Sam. Kill him. And then we’ll go out for Margarita shooters and naked Sabation women.
King Red smiles as Queen Blue looks at him.
Queen Blue: What was up with Farscape Scorpius and the Margarita shooters?
King Red: It was almost happy hour.
Queen Blue: Where?
King Red: You know the galaxy is vast. I am sure they’d find a planet having happy hour somewhere.
Queen Blue: I wonder if they have a bar that will have a Jabba the Hut like guy with a slave.
King Red: Actually . . . on the planet in the Gamma Quadrant, there is this one guy named Pizza who would like a slave.
Queen Blue: Does he come with garlic bread?
King Red: Actually I heard that he is quite delicious on his own.
Announcer: When we return . . . Dare to be Stupid again . . . with the Decepticons and Unicron as we review Transformers: Legacy of Unicron!
Announcer: You underestimate me . . . King Red and Queen Blue.
King Red and Queen Blue look around their room, looking for the source of an announcer.
King Red: Where is that smartass bastard?
Queen Blue: I don’t know but I am gonna kick his ass when we find him. Welcome back there. We got something good for you Transfans.
King Red: Didn’t we just review something on Transformers last episode?
Queen Blue: Yes we did. You reviewed ‘Headmasters II’. But that was a fanfic. What I am reviewing is actually a comic book trade paper back.
King Red: Boy. Those things have certainly come up in the comic book world.
Queen Blue: Yes. Why search in endless comic stores when you can just go down to your nearest bookstore and scan for a collection of an entire storyline in one fine book.
King Red: Forgive me for not being that excited but I would rather have the books themselves.
Queen Blue: Sure you do. Well . . . this time we got quite a collection for you. It’s classic Transformers stories by Simon Furman. And if you don’t know who that is . . . let us educate you.
King Red: Simon Furman is a British writer that wrote the majority of the near 300 issue run of the Transformers comic. And did the final 20 plus issues of the original Marvel Transformers series back in the beginning of the 90s.
Queen Blue: So basically . . . to most Transformers fans . . . He’s a God.
King Red: And a god that people actually like.
Queen Blue: Which actually gets us to our grand review . . .back in 1985 . . . Transformers the movie had hit the tv screens . . .changing Transformers a we knew it forever.
King Red: For those of you younger people . . .Transformers the Movie rocked. Rocked harder than Armada! And Robots in Disguise.
Queen Blue: Ah yes . . . Robots in Disguise . . . with their Care Bear like ending. Anyway . . . in Transformers the movie . . . we first learn of a HUGE transformer by the name of Unicron. And when I mean HUGE . . . I mean WWE’s Big Show plus the entire casts of all three ‘Celebrity Fit Clubs’ . . . before losing the weight HUGE.
King Red: The DUDE was a FREAKIN” Planet . . . literally!
Queen Blue: Well later on . . . we find out a few things in the Marvel UK Comic . . .
King Red: Unicron . . . dark god!
Queen Blue: And it was with the Movie and Simon Furman . . . we got his storyline . . . Legacy of Unicron. And now . . . let us review it . . .
While American was dealing with a month dose of Transformers comic alongside the Insanely huge, near inescapeable cartoon and toyline . . . Britain was dishing out Transformers comics weekly.
Yep. I said it right. WEEKLY.
Why? Well . . . cause Transformers was even more popular in the UK and cause most issues of the comic weren’t longer than 16 pages. Yet . . . this machine of a comic was guided by one man . . .Simon Furman . . . and his quest to give us stories of the popular theater hit, Transformers the movie.
American and the UK were trying to keep stories along the same lines . . . when Furman was like ‘NO. FUCK wait for you!’ And began dishing UK fans stories that would become the foundations of most Transformers myths . . . and cartoons today.
One of the biggest stories was, in the minds of many, a sequel to the Transformers movie . . . the storyline entitled ‘The Legacy of Unicron!’
Optimus Prime comes out, kinda walking over the shots of the comic, for a moment holding his gun.
Optimus Prime: Am I in this sequel?
Queen Blue (only her voice during review): Um . . . no. You’re not in this book at all.
Optimus Prime: What? That’s not possible. Do you know who I am? I’m Optimus ‘Fuckin’ Prime . . . bitch!
Queen Blue: Sorry big guy but you ain’t in it. And don’t be calling me a bitch you oversized Matchbox truck!
Optimus Prime: I don’t think you were listening to me. I’m Optimus Prime bitch! Go get me some fuckin’ energon!
Queen Blue: You abusive motherfu . . .
Optimus Prime points his rifle at her.
Optimus Prime: You want to finish that sentence bitch?
Queen Blue: Um . . . no. Back to the review. Help.
The Legacy of Unicron collects not only the landmark storyline but also three other stories that either lead up or epilogue it. In Headhunt, Rodimus Prime in the year 2006 . . . are being hunted down by the first Death’s Head. Death’s Head was popular here in the US for all but a minute and a half. You know . . . like Kato Katlin but without beating a dead horse as much as he has. And why is Death’s Head . . . a merc who is more of a good guy after Rodimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: Cause the little pussy-bot couldn’t live up to my legend and one my loyal Autobots wanted to take the bitch out!
Um . . .No Optimus. It was actually Decepticon Commander in that 2006, Shockwave. Confused. Well . . . you get a nice little prologue finding that Galvatron ended up back in 1985 or 1986 cause of a time experiment. So no . . . this is not following the events of the original series after the movie. So Shockwave sends Death’s Head to kill Rodimus Prime when Cyclonus and Scourge try to kill Rodimus themselves. Cause to become leaders of the Decepticons. Are they as badass as they were in the movie or show . . . not quite. Actually . . . they remind me of the jokes they become in the japan Headmasters cartoon.
In Girls’ Night, a bunch of female characters that were only in the UK book team up to take on the Combaticons and end up indirectly freeing Galvatron from his lava prison that he and Ultra Magus have been trapped in since the Target:2006 storyline earlier. Which picks up in the final two parter Enemy Action . . . also in the collection.
Optimus Prime: Trapped in lava! That’s gay! I would just say, I’m Optimus Prime bitch. You’re gonna make me feel better than get off me.
Queen Blue: You are a real charmer Optimus.
Then it goes into the actual Legacy of Unicron storyline itself which takes place in 2006. Death’s Head is still looking for Cyclonus and Scourge to get revenge on attacking him during Head Hunt. Unfortuately, in Junkion . . . the planet of Junk where Transformers have made their society based on television . . .
Optimus Prime: What a bunch of fucking dumbasses! A society based on TV? What kind of shit is that? You know . . . I would go up to them and slap them. Then I would say. ‘I’m Optimus Prime bitch’ Suck my aft you junkee fuckheads.
Queen Blue: EWWW . . .
Well . . . the Junkions are fallen under the spell of Unicron. Well . . . Unicron’s head. Cyclonus and Scourge fall under the spell as well and when Rodimus and the Autobots try to stop the resurrection of Unicron . . .the Decepticons and Junkions fight against the Autobots in a war for the head of Unicron . . . and the future of the universe. What makes this storyline so epic and so integral to the Transformers story is that for the first time . . . even before the episode ‘Call of the Primatives’ aired . . . readers got the first taste of the origin of Unicron.
You see . . . Unicron was a dark god of Chaos while Primus, the god of light and the creator of all transformers, waged war for the universe millions and millions and millions of years ago. Of course . . . it is kinda weird that Primus looks a lot like Rodimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: What?! What did you say bitch? I know Primus don’t look like that fucking piece of trailer trash and garbage compactor. I’m Optimus Prime bitch. Primus looks like me! You tell them the truth.
Queen Blue: Look Optimus. I read the book. Primus looks like Rodimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: NO! I don’t believe you. I should fuckin’ squash your ass for that kinda of shit. My damn creator does not look like a Pussy!
In the end . . . Rodimus learns not only the origin of Unicron but the origin of the Transformers themselves. And while the original cartoon didn’t use it, nearly every other fucking Transformers spin off has used a variation of this particular origin.
And why not. The Origin is that fucking GOOD. Compared to being created by a bunch of tenticled, backstabbing beings for slavery and entertainment, almost anything is better. And when I mean almost anything . . . I mean almost anything. Except for the cartoon origin . . . and the origin for Wolverine. All that backstory and what is real and what’s not is just SOOOOOOOOO confusing.
So yay to Primus, Light God and Unicron, Chaos God. And so what if Primus looks like Rodimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: I don’t believe that shit! What kind of sick fucker would say that Primus looks like that whiny bitch. I’m Optimus Prime bitch. Primus looks like me! Primus LOOKS LIKE ME!!!
Queen Blue: Okay. The transformer regarded as the greatest Autobot Leader of all time is having a breakdown.
Each of the four stories connected to each other very well. While the all four don’t intersect directly at first . . . the second and last tale fit very well; while the first and third seem to connect with a great flow. There are bits and pieces that you can see that connect all four stories together but Legacy of Unicron is definitely the show piece of the TPB. For most of the stories not being longer than 22 pages, they pace extremely well. All the characters seem to have a voice and spotlight. This is probably the best use of limited space I have ever seen for any comic.
Each of the four stories distinct sounds and tones mix very well and cater around “Legacy of Unicron.” And while the other three stories are very personal, Legacy of Unicron is an epic most will not soon forget. Rodimus Prime proves himself a very capable leader. And while Cyclonus and Scourge might seem like clowns, they are as sneaky and vicious as they always were. Galvatron and Unicron have incredible presences that will make you take notice of both of them while the rest of the Autobots and Decepticons fill the tapestry of the Transformers with a great amount of characterization and depth not found almost anywhere but the comics. Legacy of Unicron is more than a worthy sequel to the 1985 movie. Thus proving Simon Furman’s godly-ness to all Transformers fans all over the world.
Optimus Prime: Simon Furman isn’t a god. I am a god. A Metal God that all you little punks need to bow down and worship. Why? Cause I’m Optimus Prime, bitch!
Queen Blue: Can someone please call in the Decepticons? I’d be happy with the Insecticons or even Breastforce.
Artistically . . . that’s where things get a little bumpy. Dan Reed and Jeff Anderson are okay Transformers artist with their own style. Yet, it just seemed too . . .blah for the Transformers. They do okay drawing them but there seemed to be no excitement on the page for most of them. Dan’s work only seemed to really get impressive during Legacy of Unicron. As for Geoff Senior and Bryan Hitch, both Transfan favorites, their work was slightly rougher than what we are used to but still very appealing. Their styles were distinct and really had edge to them. They seemed to really bring the world of transformers alive. And Senior and Hitch’s Unicron are among the best ever drawn.
Optimus Prime: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? I’m not in this! This is a piece of shit! You can’t have a story that big with out me. I’m Optimus Prime bitch.
Queen Blue: Oh PLEASE! Someone shoot him!
The art is either a hit or miss but the stories are WAY TOO GOOD to pass up. A MUST HAVE to all devoted Transfans and a great starter Trade for the new Transformer fan or casual reader. We give Transformers: Legacy of Unicron 4 Rodimus Primes . . . out of 5.
Optimus Prime: Get over here bitch! How dare you say his name instead of mine! Do you know who I am? I’m Optimus Prime bitch! You should focus on . . .
Queen Blue: OH Dear God!
Suddenly Black Arachnia comes up with Botanica from the other side of Optimus Prime.
Black Arachnia: You want to focus on something Autobot. Focus on this.
Optimus Prime: What the hell you doing here girl?!
Black Arachnia: Do you know who I am?
Optimus Prime: Black Arach. . .
Black Arachnia: Do YOU know WHO I am?
Optimus Prime: This is why we could never work!
Black Arachnia: I’m Black Arachnia, Autobot!
Botanica: Black Arachnia!
Black Arachnia: Remember it before I kick your ass!
Botanica: WHAT!!!
Black Arachnia throws webbing at Optimus Prime then walks off. Botanica goes up to Optimus.
Botanica: Girl, I told you! When he get on, he gonna leave your ass for an Autobot! What you want a Barbie . . . what about all of this?!!!
Botanica turns around starts waving her hands in a circle around her ‘butt’.
Botanica: You just wants some chassie! What about the aft?!
Optimus Prime shoots Botanica in the face and she falls to the ground.
Optimus Prime: Don’t u know who I am! I’m Optimus Prime, bitch!
Queen Blue: I am SO out of here.
King Red turns to Queen Blue.
King Red: I am so sorry you had to go through that. Who knew that Prime was such an egomanic?
Queen Blue: I want a full legion of Gundams with me next time I go anywhere near that crazy ass Autobot.
King Red: Well . . . I knew Optimus Prime was too good to really be . . . good.
Queen Blue: Crazy ain’t the word. He shot a plant . . . in the face.
King Red: I am kinda wondering what is the deal with Optimus and Black Arachnia. I mean . . . that’s kind of . . . beastiality.
Queen Blue: Oh . . . that’s it! I am done!
King Red: Good night everybody.
Episode 103
by Frankie Rodriguez
Note: here is an exclusive sneak peek of what I am working on besides Savioranger. It's Part Fanfic, Part Review show!
And welcome to the third edition of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not X-Play’. We review like them but not video games. Please don’t sue me G4. All references to stuff not mine belong to their owners. Yes. If it ain’t mine, they belong to their owners. I write these myself.
Announcer: You can get with this or you can get with . . . King Red and Queen Blue.
King Red and Queen Blue look at each other then at the camera.
King Red: You really wanna get with me?
Queen Blue: I am not some cheap hooker. You’re gonna need to whine me and dine me.
King Red: So you’re an expensive hooker.
Queen Blue: Absolutely.
King Red: Welcome to another addition of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not X-Play’.
Queen Blue: And we do have quite a show for today.
King Red: Yes . . . a show that will bring about destruction and ruin . . . mostly to us.
Queen Blue: We have a review of the first arc on Naruto . . . in the American dub. And boy . . . is that gonna be one huge review.
King Red: Believe It.
Queen Blue: We then review another Power Rangers Fanfic . . . dealing with a space epic with Power Rangers Peacekeepers.
King Red: Believe It.
Queen Blue: And finally . . . for all you classic Transformers fans who need a fix of G1 goodness that America never got in the past . . . we got a treat. It’s the reprint of Marvel UK’s Transformers comic and the infamous storyline . . . Legacy of Unicron.
King Red: Believe It!
Queen Blue turns to King Red.
Queen Blue: Okay. I am all for fun and other stuff but this is a little ridiculous. We haven’t even started the Naruto review yet.
King Red: Believe It!
Queen Blue stands fuming.
Queen Blue: Say ‘believe it’ one more time and I can’t be held responsible for what happens to you . . . most notably . . . your nards!
King Red looks fearful for a moment then covers his nards.
King Red: I’ll stop now.
Queen Blue: Good boy.
King Red: Evil witch.
Queen Blue: You know . . . you are really competing for annoying television character of the year.
King Red: Am I any more so annoying than a ninja in an orange jumpsuit?
Queen Blue pauses.
Queen Blue: No. No you’re not.
King Red: Maybe his annoying-ness comes from the fact that everyone kinda makes him an outcast and act like snobby upper-class republicans who ridicule the lone independent party member in the room.
Queen Blue: Now now. You don’t want to dissuade any republican readers out there, do you?
King Red: Well . . . actually . . the analogy works pretty well. Of course, if it was the democrats . . . some of them would act snobby and other’s would try to be down with you like a 40 plus year old white man hanging out with a bunch of 30 year old black and Hispanic gangsters.
Queen Blue: From annoying to politically opinated. What did they put in your drink?
King Red: I think a little bit of Puerto Rican Rum. I would like to get back to the fact that in Naruto there is not only an annoying fox boy . . . but a chick with a split personality disorder and a guy who thinks he knows how to do everything. And let’s not forget how wonderful it is for a teacher to force his students to starve each other in order to pass.
Queen Blue: You are all sorts of fun today. Here’s our review of the first arc of the dubbed Naruto.
I have come for my training . . . here in the Hidden Village of the Leaf . . .
Where I will learn the mystic arts of the ninja. I am starting out as a Genin . . . a young ninja to be. And with determination . . . I will one day become the greatest ninja and ruler of the Hidden Village of the Leaf . . . the Hokage.
What am I kidding? I barely went to class in high school. Heck . . . I used to duck out all the time and almost never got in trouble for it.
And I am suppose to sit here with a boy trying to do his best David Borenanz mean look impression; a girl with pink hair and a HUGE forehead and a guy who has blonde hair and wears an ORANGE jumpsuit. Come the fuck on!
Actually . . . my bitch fest kinda gave you a little summary on Naruto . . . a Super popular anime that pretty much gaining heights the on Dragonball Z ever touched. Yes . . . it is more popular than Pokemon and Yugioh. Why do I say that? Cause EVERYONE on the planet knows what Naruto is now . . .
Your dad. Your mom. Your big brother. Your little sister. Your sister in law. Your brother in law who is sleeping with your mom behind your older sister’s back. Your teachers. Your school bus driver. Even your gynecologist knows what Naruto is now.
But in case for some act of god you don’t know . . . all those things I mentioned about being a student and some classmates . . . are in the story. This first arc revolves around introducing you to Naruto and his surrounds and a very important mission the he and his teammates take; ending up with a big fight against another Androgynous male and a badass by the name of Zabuza.
The main character, Orange jumpsuit boy, is named Naruto. Naruto just so happens to not only be the WORST dressed student in the Ninja Academy; He’s also the WORST STUDENT in the academy. Now . . . this boy . . . was slightly annoying in the original Japanese version. But the American dubbed seemed to do something that was nearly unthinkable . . . make him so annoying that other annoying characters . . . such as the brother loving psycho Nanami from Revolutionary Girl, Beast Machines’s Nightscream, Former Turbo Ranger Justin and Transformers Wheelie and Daniel are all laughing and dancing for their titles have been stripped and given to this blonde, orange jumpsuit wearing bastard.
Why is Naruto so annoying in the dub? Well . . . besides the usual dumbing down storylines and violence for American audiences . . . there is his dub voice. And I am gonna apologize is I am too harsh at this moment but this must be said . . . Naruto’s dub voice is by far one of the worse dub choices in HISTORY. It is grating. It is annoying. I makes my ears want to explode and I kinda want them to after hearing that voice for more than 20 seconds. And the real kicker is Naruto’s catch phrase in the dub . . .
Believe it.
That little fox bounded bitch says Believe It at least ten times per episode. This is not an exaggeration. Watch the episode and count!
Enough of Naruto. How about the others: Forehead, psycho girl is Sakura. And pretty much, at least in the first arc, she does very little to help the boys. But you know she’s psycho cause you actually see her inner monologue and her talk throughout the course of the show. Actually . . .Sakura isn’t too bad . . . till she starts to whine. Then you kind just want to slap her . . . and I mean soap opera bitch slap her. As long as she’s not whining and she’s not too crazy with the inner monologue . . . she’s not bad. Her obsession , I mean, crush on Sasuke isn’t too bad either.
Which brings us to Sasuke. Sasuke just tries too hard to be cool. Sometimes . . . he pulls it off. Most times . . . you kind think he’s full of shit. He’s a good fighter and an interesting character. The dub made him out to be somewhat of a snob. Which he is but he’s . . . snobber here.
Of course, there are other characters. Like their teacher Kakashi. Okay . . . the guy walks around reading porno books in the Japanese version. In the American version . . . it’s romance novels. HOW FUCKING SAD! And I am sorry but that voice just does NOT fit Kakashi. It doesn’t work for him. It just seems . . . WRONG. And wait . . . I’m not sorry.
Ikuki or, as I like to call him . . . girlie boy . . .had a very good voice and most of his character stayed the same from the original. And Zabuza, voiced by Steven Blum . . . who pretty much was the voice of so many anime characters it ain’t funny, did a terrific job with Zabuza. My only complaint there is that Steven Blum was Zabuza and not one of the other voices later in the series. HELLO . . . Oorochimaru!!!!!
As usual, the animation was top notch. Everything was nice and crisp. And they kept all the instrumentals of the show which was a great move. Unfortunately . . . instead of the cool opening and kick ass ending that japan had . . . we get a rock instrumental that I can’t understand the words to every time it plays. For the love of GOD . . . why did you replace a good opening theme when you play other japanese openings for your other shows! And what’s worse . . . the ending theme for that first arc was in English in japan. Don’t believe me . . . the bloody ending is titled ‘Wind’ by Akeboshi! Listen to it! It is COMPLETELY in ENGLISH! Yet the management decided that it was not good enough to be on the dub.
The first arc in japan was not that great but it was a good foundation for the rest of the series. Unfortunately . . . the dub of Naruto has turned an average story . . . into a pile of steaming crap. I wouldn’t wipe my ass on this arc. Everyone is way too worried about the impression that having blood would have on the story. COME ON! Sometimes you take away from something and its okay. This time . . . it really hurt this first arc. You want a starting point . . . go to the second arc in the dub when the other students come in more. Or watch another anime . . . My god . . . this anime was BUTCHERED. And while the story is mostly the same . . . the slight rewritings and the HORRIBLE VOICES make me want to spend my time listening to people talk about hemorriods. I am not an anime purist but this was awlful. NO. . . not Awful. This was UBERSUCK. Cause of all these things we give the first arc of Naruto . . . 2 Believe Its! . . . out of 5.
Queen Blue looks at King Red. King Red looks at Queen Blue fearfully.
King Red: You do know that you just pulled an X-Play ‘Full Metal Alchemist/Naruto’ We Are Gonna Get Hate Mail deal right?
Queen Blue: Yep. But you know . . . the English Naruto is just an annoying bastard who I want to see get eaten alive. Or perhaps they could change the name of the show to Oorochimaru and just fix things.
King Red: We are SO gonna get Death Threats.
Announcer: When we come back . . . Being in space with a bunch of people can be a bitch in our review of Power Rangers Peacekeepers.
Announcer: Marked by crazed rabid anime fans . . . they are King Red and Queen Blue.
Queen Blue: Welcome back.
King Red: You are gonna get hanged by a bunch of Naruto pseudo ninjas.
Queen Blue: Is this before or after the androgyny club molests me then ask me for make up tips?
King Red: Maybe at the same time.
Queen Blue: Boy . . . I can feel the love.
King Red: Why not take a trip to outer space?
Queen Blue: Where I can spend the night?
King Red: Stellar. Anyway . . . our next review has us returning to the world of Power Rangers . . . kind of. This time . . . we take a look at space and empires and lots of different species. It doesn’t even sound like Power Rangers does it?
Queen Blue: No . . . which is odd. Does Disney know about this?
King Red: Disney knows about everything. That’s why it’s the magical kingdom.
Queen Blue: Since they know everything . . .they can tell me how to make more money and what is up with Mystic Force being all about Nick.
King Red: Um . . . okay. Anyway . . . it’s a space epic with Power Rangers galaxies and good writing. Don’t believe me? Here’s our review of the latest episode of Power Rangers Peacekeepers.
There are things out there . . . out in the depths of space.
All sorts of unknown worlds . . . unknown galaxies . . . possible different species . . . laid out in the vast cosmos.
And if we are lucky . . . they’ll be like some of the species in Farscape . . . weird, humanoid and . . . for some of them . . . Very very horny.
But like Farscape, Star Trek and Star Wars . . . space has been most notably known for telling epics.
Yet . . . most people wouldn’t say that Power Rangers is known for being epic. . . till now. Power Rangers Peacekeepers is a fanfic epic detailing the trials of a group of Rangers as they must preserve piece in the backdrop of a tension filled space. And what may seem like a kiddie show or joke to many . . . can be completely thrown out with this new work.
By the way, Peacekeepers has nothing to do with Sabations or Farscape. I promise. And while there was a Scorpius in Power Rangers Lost Galaxy . . . he could not really hold the candle to the sweet talking half Scarrian half Sabation bastard that haunted John Critchon’s life daily.
Anyway . . . the Peacekeepers. Set in the future, Peacekeepers has done an incredible job of reinventing many decent, cool or somewhat ok things that deal with Rangers in Space and Rangers as some kind of crime fighting body. Several empires are at a fever pitch in this fanfic, ready for all out war. It is the Rangers job to maintain peace . . . while still getting along together. Anyway . . . as you read the first four episodes, you get many many views of the universe that was mapped out thanks to PRiS, PRLG and SPD. Oh . . . and just to note, SPD is still SPD but without the events of the series occurring. While I was slightly skeptical about the move . . . to be honest, I think this fic turned out a lot better not following the show that seemed to be jamming it in your throat . . . or any other opening . . . and dumping stuff on you like a certain President and an assistant did. Several times.
The Omega Ranger starts to whine.
Omega Ranger: Hey! It is not my fault. But I am so cool. Me and my one wheel cycle. We are cool . . . aren’t we? Tell me you love me damn you!
King Red: Okay . . . um . . . you’re pathetic. Back to the review.
The Machine Empire is one of the major big bads in this. And while they were DECENT villains in Zeo . . .they are not the pathetic, cheap ass, recycled joke they became in Forever Red. Oh come on . . . you know this is true.
Red Lion Ranger from Power Rangers Wild Force: Wait! I saved the day with my cycle. That has to count as something. I mean . . . I am pretty and cool. And I was also on that reality show trying to get with an older rich British lady . . .
King Red: Um . . . I take back what I said to Omega Ranger earlier. He’s only annoying. YOU are pathetic.
Red Lion Ranger: But . . . Jason said I did a good job.
King Red: Of killing a bunch of recycled Beetleborg characters with different names and voiced by PR alumni! You’re NOT a hero. You’re a fuckin’ poof!
This time around, the Machine Empire are quite organized and vicious. In the fourth episode, they are pretty much relentless in chasing down our heroes in their ‘Megaship.’ They are cold. They are calculating. Just like we like our evil robots.
But the machines aren't the only villains. NO. There is the Vile Empire. And Pirates. Oh yes . . . Space Pirates. and are they as corny or ugly as that pathetic captain in the last third of Lost Galaxy . . . oh no. You see . . . There are just some things that even Paris won't put in her mouth. And while I ranted and raved just about the background, the allies and the baddies . . . what about the rangers themselves?
There are a host of characters from the regular Power Rangers universe that actually make it in this fic. We have Zhane, who was great in Space as the Silver Ranger but in the scheme of things had very little to in the aftermath of PRiS and made him this bad ass Admiral who could very well be the evolution of the man we saw on that show. Phantom Ranger also gets his coolness factor heightened by y3k use of him. Still some what enigmatic but more sociable. One of the biggest transformations has to be Blue Centurion. He was lame or decent in Turbo. Okay. Let’s be honest . . . Blue Centurion was a bigger joke that Justin was in Turbo. Most often . . . he was just there on the show. But y3k has changed him into a mentor that could very well outside Doggie Cruger, Tommy and even the sacred Zordon and that is almost worth watch several viewings of Glitter . . . almost. God . . . that movie sucked!
Then there are the Rangers themselves. There is Xolin . . . the Blue Rangers who seems to be opting to be the leader of this group. And she also seems to be a complete and total cunt. Trok who seems to be the brains of this group. Coros who seems to be tortured by a painful past. Sel, who seems to be acting a lot like Teen Titan’s own Raven . . . kinda goth like but fair cool. She does seem to spend a lot of time by herself. Finally . . . there is Sid . . . the Red Ranger. Who has so far been a smart ass, slight ego manic. Sid has had a very very painful past of his own; which is one of the driving forces for this fic. Pretty much . . . think of the Breakfast Club meets the OC meets Farscape meets Star Wars.
Y3k used the first two episodes to just introduce his PR Universe at that point in time. And that was a very very clever move. His third and forth episodes dives into the characters a bit more and fleshes out the personalities. Each ranger seem like living breathing sentient beings. Which means this is good . . . actually really good . . . unlike Whitney . . . ah poor Whitney. How you have so fallen . . . into a sea of blow. Allegedly.
Yet this fic could very well become fanfic crack! And I mean that in a good way. The characters are still very much developing at this point but I do admit . . . Sid is one of the most intriguing Red Rangers we've had in a long time. His backstory is compelling and his personality . . . well . . . he's a bit of an ass . . . and this time, I like that. Xolin will seemingly provide a lot of friction at this point and that's what I like about my characters . . . fiesty and distrusting. Kinda like the fans will never trust Justin again . . .bad Blue Turbo Ranger. Bad. You sneak under our Rocky's bed and steal his Turbo morpher! BAD Justin. I will go on record now and say that Sel is gonna be one of the sleeper characters of the show. This girl is gonna be spectacular . . . I certainly hope so . . . or else I will be spending some time bent over.
Overall . . . a very strong fic. To fans that have a vast knowledge of the PR verse, this is a treat that will make you stand up and say "Yes! This shit is good and I am gonna take it all in!" To fans that are fairly new or who came in around . . . Ninja Storm . . .don't worry. Y3k has seemingly made this fic accessible to you through conversations or narrations. We are still learning about the characters but I think that will be the fun part. Otherwise, every character had a voice, a style and a fashion of their own and that . . . people . . . is very very important. The Pacing is great and over all . . . I get exciting when I read this fic. So at this point I say this . . . READ this fic . . . twice . . . three times even. Read it, love it and enjoy it. The only bad is that to all the people that liked SPD, your SPD isn't gonna really show here . . . so that might turn some people off but other than that . . . this fic is just too strong to let that bring it down. We give Power Rangers Peacekeepers the highest honor with 5 great Rangers . . . out of 5.
Oh and Red Lion Ranger . . . GO SHOOT YOURSELF!
Red Lion Ranger: No. I won’t do it!
Omega Ranger points a gun at Red Lion Ranger. Red Lion Ranger starts to fume when Farscape’s Scorpius comes out.
Scorpius: That’s right Sam. Kill him. And then we’ll go out for Margarita shooters and naked Sabation women.
King Red smiles as Queen Blue looks at him.
Queen Blue: What was up with Farscape Scorpius and the Margarita shooters?
King Red: It was almost happy hour.
Queen Blue: Where?
King Red: You know the galaxy is vast. I am sure they’d find a planet having happy hour somewhere.
Queen Blue: I wonder if they have a bar that will have a Jabba the Hut like guy with a slave.
King Red: Actually . . . on the planet in the Gamma Quadrant, there is this one guy named Pizza who would like a slave.
Queen Blue: Does he come with garlic bread?
King Red: Actually I heard that he is quite delicious on his own.
Announcer: When we return . . . Dare to be Stupid again . . . with the Decepticons and Unicron as we review Transformers: Legacy of Unicron!
Announcer: You underestimate me . . . King Red and Queen Blue.
King Red and Queen Blue look around their room, looking for the source of an announcer.
King Red: Where is that smartass bastard?
Queen Blue: I don’t know but I am gonna kick his ass when we find him. Welcome back there. We got something good for you Transfans.
King Red: Didn’t we just review something on Transformers last episode?
Queen Blue: Yes we did. You reviewed ‘Headmasters II’. But that was a fanfic. What I am reviewing is actually a comic book trade paper back.
King Red: Boy. Those things have certainly come up in the comic book world.
Queen Blue: Yes. Why search in endless comic stores when you can just go down to your nearest bookstore and scan for a collection of an entire storyline in one fine book.
King Red: Forgive me for not being that excited but I would rather have the books themselves.
Queen Blue: Sure you do. Well . . . this time we got quite a collection for you. It’s classic Transformers stories by Simon Furman. And if you don’t know who that is . . . let us educate you.
King Red: Simon Furman is a British writer that wrote the majority of the near 300 issue run of the Transformers comic. And did the final 20 plus issues of the original Marvel Transformers series back in the beginning of the 90s.
Queen Blue: So basically . . . to most Transformers fans . . . He’s a God.
King Red: And a god that people actually like.
Queen Blue: Which actually gets us to our grand review . . .back in 1985 . . . Transformers the movie had hit the tv screens . . .changing Transformers a we knew it forever.
King Red: For those of you younger people . . .Transformers the Movie rocked. Rocked harder than Armada! And Robots in Disguise.
Queen Blue: Ah yes . . . Robots in Disguise . . . with their Care Bear like ending. Anyway . . . in Transformers the movie . . . we first learn of a HUGE transformer by the name of Unicron. And when I mean HUGE . . . I mean WWE’s Big Show plus the entire casts of all three ‘Celebrity Fit Clubs’ . . . before losing the weight HUGE.
King Red: The DUDE was a FREAKIN” Planet . . . literally!
Queen Blue: Well later on . . . we find out a few things in the Marvel UK Comic . . .
King Red: Unicron . . . dark god!
Queen Blue: And it was with the Movie and Simon Furman . . . we got his storyline . . . Legacy of Unicron. And now . . . let us review it . . .
While American was dealing with a month dose of Transformers comic alongside the Insanely huge, near inescapeable cartoon and toyline . . . Britain was dishing out Transformers comics weekly.
Yep. I said it right. WEEKLY.
Why? Well . . . cause Transformers was even more popular in the UK and cause most issues of the comic weren’t longer than 16 pages. Yet . . . this machine of a comic was guided by one man . . .Simon Furman . . . and his quest to give us stories of the popular theater hit, Transformers the movie.
American and the UK were trying to keep stories along the same lines . . . when Furman was like ‘NO. FUCK wait for you!’ And began dishing UK fans stories that would become the foundations of most Transformers myths . . . and cartoons today.
One of the biggest stories was, in the minds of many, a sequel to the Transformers movie . . . the storyline entitled ‘The Legacy of Unicron!’
Optimus Prime comes out, kinda walking over the shots of the comic, for a moment holding his gun.
Optimus Prime: Am I in this sequel?
Queen Blue (only her voice during review): Um . . . no. You’re not in this book at all.
Optimus Prime: What? That’s not possible. Do you know who I am? I’m Optimus ‘Fuckin’ Prime . . . bitch!
Queen Blue: Sorry big guy but you ain’t in it. And don’t be calling me a bitch you oversized Matchbox truck!
Optimus Prime: I don’t think you were listening to me. I’m Optimus Prime bitch! Go get me some fuckin’ energon!
Queen Blue: You abusive motherfu . . .
Optimus Prime points his rifle at her.
Optimus Prime: You want to finish that sentence bitch?
Queen Blue: Um . . . no. Back to the review. Help.
The Legacy of Unicron collects not only the landmark storyline but also three other stories that either lead up or epilogue it. In Headhunt, Rodimus Prime in the year 2006 . . . are being hunted down by the first Death’s Head. Death’s Head was popular here in the US for all but a minute and a half. You know . . . like Kato Katlin but without beating a dead horse as much as he has. And why is Death’s Head . . . a merc who is more of a good guy after Rodimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: Cause the little pussy-bot couldn’t live up to my legend and one my loyal Autobots wanted to take the bitch out!
Um . . .No Optimus. It was actually Decepticon Commander in that 2006, Shockwave. Confused. Well . . . you get a nice little prologue finding that Galvatron ended up back in 1985 or 1986 cause of a time experiment. So no . . . this is not following the events of the original series after the movie. So Shockwave sends Death’s Head to kill Rodimus Prime when Cyclonus and Scourge try to kill Rodimus themselves. Cause to become leaders of the Decepticons. Are they as badass as they were in the movie or show . . . not quite. Actually . . . they remind me of the jokes they become in the japan Headmasters cartoon.
In Girls’ Night, a bunch of female characters that were only in the UK book team up to take on the Combaticons and end up indirectly freeing Galvatron from his lava prison that he and Ultra Magus have been trapped in since the Target:2006 storyline earlier. Which picks up in the final two parter Enemy Action . . . also in the collection.
Optimus Prime: Trapped in lava! That’s gay! I would just say, I’m Optimus Prime bitch. You’re gonna make me feel better than get off me.
Queen Blue: You are a real charmer Optimus.
Then it goes into the actual Legacy of Unicron storyline itself which takes place in 2006. Death’s Head is still looking for Cyclonus and Scourge to get revenge on attacking him during Head Hunt. Unfortuately, in Junkion . . . the planet of Junk where Transformers have made their society based on television . . .
Optimus Prime: What a bunch of fucking dumbasses! A society based on TV? What kind of shit is that? You know . . . I would go up to them and slap them. Then I would say. ‘I’m Optimus Prime bitch’ Suck my aft you junkee fuckheads.
Queen Blue: EWWW . . .
Well . . . the Junkions are fallen under the spell of Unicron. Well . . . Unicron’s head. Cyclonus and Scourge fall under the spell as well and when Rodimus and the Autobots try to stop the resurrection of Unicron . . .the Decepticons and Junkions fight against the Autobots in a war for the head of Unicron . . . and the future of the universe. What makes this storyline so epic and so integral to the Transformers story is that for the first time . . . even before the episode ‘Call of the Primatives’ aired . . . readers got the first taste of the origin of Unicron.
You see . . . Unicron was a dark god of Chaos while Primus, the god of light and the creator of all transformers, waged war for the universe millions and millions and millions of years ago. Of course . . . it is kinda weird that Primus looks a lot like Rodimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: What?! What did you say bitch? I know Primus don’t look like that fucking piece of trailer trash and garbage compactor. I’m Optimus Prime bitch. Primus looks like me! You tell them the truth.
Queen Blue: Look Optimus. I read the book. Primus looks like Rodimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: NO! I don’t believe you. I should fuckin’ squash your ass for that kinda of shit. My damn creator does not look like a Pussy!
In the end . . . Rodimus learns not only the origin of Unicron but the origin of the Transformers themselves. And while the original cartoon didn’t use it, nearly every other fucking Transformers spin off has used a variation of this particular origin.
And why not. The Origin is that fucking GOOD. Compared to being created by a bunch of tenticled, backstabbing beings for slavery and entertainment, almost anything is better. And when I mean almost anything . . . I mean almost anything. Except for the cartoon origin . . . and the origin for Wolverine. All that backstory and what is real and what’s not is just SOOOOOOOOO confusing.
So yay to Primus, Light God and Unicron, Chaos God. And so what if Primus looks like Rodimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: I don’t believe that shit! What kind of sick fucker would say that Primus looks like that whiny bitch. I’m Optimus Prime bitch. Primus looks like me! Primus LOOKS LIKE ME!!!
Queen Blue: Okay. The transformer regarded as the greatest Autobot Leader of all time is having a breakdown.
Each of the four stories connected to each other very well. While the all four don’t intersect directly at first . . . the second and last tale fit very well; while the first and third seem to connect with a great flow. There are bits and pieces that you can see that connect all four stories together but Legacy of Unicron is definitely the show piece of the TPB. For most of the stories not being longer than 22 pages, they pace extremely well. All the characters seem to have a voice and spotlight. This is probably the best use of limited space I have ever seen for any comic.
Each of the four stories distinct sounds and tones mix very well and cater around “Legacy of Unicron.” And while the other three stories are very personal, Legacy of Unicron is an epic most will not soon forget. Rodimus Prime proves himself a very capable leader. And while Cyclonus and Scourge might seem like clowns, they are as sneaky and vicious as they always were. Galvatron and Unicron have incredible presences that will make you take notice of both of them while the rest of the Autobots and Decepticons fill the tapestry of the Transformers with a great amount of characterization and depth not found almost anywhere but the comics. Legacy of Unicron is more than a worthy sequel to the 1985 movie. Thus proving Simon Furman’s godly-ness to all Transformers fans all over the world.
Optimus Prime: Simon Furman isn’t a god. I am a god. A Metal God that all you little punks need to bow down and worship. Why? Cause I’m Optimus Prime, bitch!
Queen Blue: Can someone please call in the Decepticons? I’d be happy with the Insecticons or even Breastforce.
Artistically . . . that’s where things get a little bumpy. Dan Reed and Jeff Anderson are okay Transformers artist with their own style. Yet, it just seemed too . . .blah for the Transformers. They do okay drawing them but there seemed to be no excitement on the page for most of them. Dan’s work only seemed to really get impressive during Legacy of Unicron. As for Geoff Senior and Bryan Hitch, both Transfan favorites, their work was slightly rougher than what we are used to but still very appealing. Their styles were distinct and really had edge to them. They seemed to really bring the world of transformers alive. And Senior and Hitch’s Unicron are among the best ever drawn.
Optimus Prime: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded? I’m not in this! This is a piece of shit! You can’t have a story that big with out me. I’m Optimus Prime bitch.
Queen Blue: Oh PLEASE! Someone shoot him!
The art is either a hit or miss but the stories are WAY TOO GOOD to pass up. A MUST HAVE to all devoted Transfans and a great starter Trade for the new Transformer fan or casual reader. We give Transformers: Legacy of Unicron 4 Rodimus Primes . . . out of 5.
Optimus Prime: Get over here bitch! How dare you say his name instead of mine! Do you know who I am? I’m Optimus Prime bitch! You should focus on . . .
Queen Blue: OH Dear God!
Suddenly Black Arachnia comes up with Botanica from the other side of Optimus Prime.
Black Arachnia: You want to focus on something Autobot. Focus on this.
Optimus Prime: What the hell you doing here girl?!
Black Arachnia: Do you know who I am?
Optimus Prime: Black Arach. . .
Black Arachnia: Do YOU know WHO I am?
Optimus Prime: This is why we could never work!
Black Arachnia: I’m Black Arachnia, Autobot!
Botanica: Black Arachnia!
Black Arachnia: Remember it before I kick your ass!
Botanica: WHAT!!!
Black Arachnia throws webbing at Optimus Prime then walks off. Botanica goes up to Optimus.
Botanica: Girl, I told you! When he get on, he gonna leave your ass for an Autobot! What you want a Barbie . . . what about all of this?!!!
Botanica turns around starts waving her hands in a circle around her ‘butt’.
Botanica: You just wants some chassie! What about the aft?!
Optimus Prime shoots Botanica in the face and she falls to the ground.
Optimus Prime: Don’t u know who I am! I’m Optimus Prime, bitch!
Queen Blue: I am SO out of here.
King Red turns to Queen Blue.
King Red: I am so sorry you had to go through that. Who knew that Prime was such an egomanic?
Queen Blue: I want a full legion of Gundams with me next time I go anywhere near that crazy ass Autobot.
King Red: Well . . . I knew Optimus Prime was too good to really be . . . good.
Queen Blue: Crazy ain’t the word. He shot a plant . . . in the face.
King Red: I am kinda wondering what is the deal with Optimus and Black Arachnia. I mean . . . that’s kind of . . . beastiality.
Queen Blue: Oh . . . that’s it! I am done!
King Red: Good night everybody.