ZeoMew2Too
03-19-2006, 12:21 PM
Greetings YOU MAGGOTS! It is to my great displeasure that you have nominated my Mystic Force episode 1 fiver for "February Fanfic of the Month."
Perhaps you didn't realize that fivers are MINDLESS DRIVEL!! They were never meant to warm anybody's heart or open one's mind to different forms of masturbation. You know, Dr. Phil stuff or something?
Anyway, now you have interrupted my busy schedule by causing me to be chosen as a competitor in the Toku Fanfic Film Festival. I should write a screenplay about how Kamen Rider Chalice CURB STOMPS ALL OF YOU LIKE THE LITTLE BITCHES YOU ARE! Which, incidentally, would make for a very 1337 story, because we all know Chalice is the shizznit, and most of us would probably give our right testicle and left ovary to have his foot grace the presence of our head against cold asphalt. If you don't have a testicle on your right, and an ovary on your left, you'd better see a doctor. There's probably something wrong with you.
BUT THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT! As punishment, you have been sentenced to wear Klingon condoms inside out for the rest of you pathetic existences. (Do the words "spiked for you honorable displeasure" mean anything to you?) But not before reading this, a part of my "new gen" fiver series. Which basically rips off all my fivers before it. Rather ironic.
It's recommended that to fully see the horrendous humor of this fiver for what it is -- horrendous because, for the most part, it's so true -- that you go to the Ultimate Kamen Rider thread and grab episode 1 of KR Blade, which I so graciously uploaded for all to enjoy not more than a week ago. HAHA, RYAN! I knew I'd find a way to get you to watch Kamen Rider Blade eventually. :p
Now, once this fiver is up on the Toku Fivers page, we can truly call it "TokuFivers," as it will serve to widen the scope from just Sentai/PR to other aspects of Metal Heroes as well. I can't believe nobody stepped up to the plate to do this ages ago. That is how flawed your system is! Where is your Jeebus now?!
In closing, I hate you all, and you suck... Except George Rodd. He's okay. Now enjoy this Fiver! Or I'll feed you to my pet targh!
......
Kamen Rider Blade Round 1 Fiver
This Fiver's "Aunt Jackie" : Chris "Courage... Courage... Courage!" Brockner
Executive Dude: GreenNinja
------
*a desert wasteland... on the backlot of Kytokyo*
Kenzaki (aka Blade): Huh, Kytokyo?! Isn't that where they'll one day film MagiRanger?
Chief Kurusuma (this year's chief): Kenzaki... Your mission!
Kenzaki: Oh, right! I'm on my way, Tachibana-san!
*Kenzaki speeds up a bit*
Shiori Hirose (this year's Babe on Tech): And Kenzaki, you've got the eternal milk-drinking virgin on your tail.
Kenzaki: Okay, I'm REALLY on my way, Tachibana-san!
*hits Warp 10, where he simultaneously joins with everything in the universe, including Bruce Kalish*
Bruce Kalish: Wow! Something just hit my brain like a ball of light... I'm going to save that idea for future reference.
------
*the batcave. where billionaire spelunkers call home*
Tachibana-san (aka Garren): Ugh! This bat undead is kicking my ass!
Broodwing: Take that, Garren! PWNage!
*over in the corner huddles the eternal milk-drinking virgin, Kotarou*
Kotarou: Aburera?
Cave Wall: BOOM!
Boom: No, not for another year.
*Kenzaki rides in through the fresh hole in the wall*
Kenzaki: Then how about Phineas?
Boom: Phine-who?
---
*roll the theme song*
Nanase Aikawa: Quickly, hide Mutsuki Jackson over there. We're not supposed to reveal him for at least another twenty episodes!
Mutsuki: Yee-heee!
Kenzaki: We REALLY need to replace this theme song by then...
---
Mandora Boy: Round One -- "Garren Bites Everyone in the Ass ~ Magi Gii Assika"
Garren's Gun: Bang, bang, BANG!
*Garren blows a hole in the cave ceiling right above Broodwing*
Broodwing: Arrgh! My plastic is fading! I was trying to keep in mint condition, and now I'm turning from red to a pastel purple, and my body is starting to look like a common Krybot's!
Tachibanna: Oh, so THAT explains Bandai of America's little indiscretion.
Kenzaki's Motorcycle: Speaking of which, Bandai of America would love this show.
Kenzaki: Come on Tachibanna-san! Get on YOUR cycle, too!
Kotarou: Mr. BoA Exec, did you hear that? TWO cycles!
BoA Exec: ORGASM!
---
*soon*
Kenzaki: Tackle attack!
Broodwing: WTF?! Are you a Bulbasaur or something?!
Tachibanna: Kenzaki, please, let me show you how a REAL man handles things.
Kenzaki: The Fatal Blade?
Tachibanna: Pfft! What did two swords every do for anybody?
*Tachibanna runs some cards through his Rouzer, which sounds pretty painful*
Rouzer: DROP! FIRE!
Tachibanna: BLAZE STORM KICK!
Kenzaki: Oh, that was original...
Broodwing: GAK! Now I'm bleeding green paint!
Tachibanna: A green one, eh? give 'im a cycle, and put him in a gift pack with Solaris Knight and Knight Wolf Fury.
Broodwing: Anything else?
Tachibanna: Oh, yeah, right...
Jetix Card: CAPTURE!
Broodwing: Oh, I hate foreshadowing!
---
*the past, which is actually the show's present, but was filmed in the year 200-- ah fuck it! -- soon*
Tachibanna & Kenzaki: DEMORPHAGE!
Kenzaki: Wow, Tachibanna-san, you sure are wise.
Tachibanna: Nope, just angsty! *rides off*
Kotarou: Wow, this is so cool!
Kenzaki: Hey, who are you?!
Kotarou: I'm Kotarou Shirai. Or Shirai Kotarou. Depends on whether you use the surname first or not. Anywho, ever since Kuuga, I've been looking for Riders to be the subject of, well, y'know... That book I've been writing. I'm going to be kind of like your sidekick.
Kenzaki: This sucks!
Kotarou: I can think of worse sidekicks for a Masked Rider.
Kenzaki: Such as?
Kotarou: Let me think... Ah, yes, howzabout a two-and-a-half foot tall man-Furby!
Kenzaki: ...
...
...
>.>
<.<
...
...
I hate it when you're right.
---
*BOARD headquarters, where everyone is as bored as the place they work for*
Kenzaki: Arriveage!
BOARD Computer: Oh, I see, you must be this year's Kuuga rehash. Come right in.
---
*Kenzaki walks in Chief Kurusuma's office*
Shiori: Wow, we've gotta slow down on the whole "Sealing the Undead" thing. We're running out of Jetix Cards!
Chief Kurusuma: Call Disney, and tell them to send us another batch.
*Kurusuma looks at Tachibanna*
Chief Kurusuma: You look like someone just killed your girlfriend.
Tachibanna: Actually, I'm just pissed at you because you think I suck.
Chief Kurusuma: Wait, I don't think you suck.
...
...
The fact is I am 100% CERTAIN that you suck.
Tachibanna: Yeah, well, that must be why you hired this idiot over here.
Kenzaki: Ferbus is BUTTERY!! Yuuki!
Chief Kurusuma: Okay, you may have a point.
Tachibanna: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some ass-biting to do.
Kenzaki: Reminds me of that gay porno I was in once...
---
*at Kotarou's swinging VIRGIN bachelor pad*
Kotarou: BOARD stands for "Board of Archaeology and Research Development." So, it's basically SPD, but they specialize in boring dinosaur bone stories. Yawn. But what do archaeologists need with metal beetle costumes. What did Tommy need with a PhD? Hmm, maybe I'll just drop writing and go back into male prostitution. It's not like a Masked Rider is just going to lose his home and drop right at my doorstep.
*BOOM!*
Kotarou's Doorbell: Ding dong!
*Kotarou opens the door*
Dex: Greetings, my friend, I have come here to battle the forces of Count Dregon an--
Kotarou: Arggh! JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!
Kotarou's Door: SLAM!
---
*at Kenzaki's equally VIRGIN bachelor pad*
Kenzaki: Lalala, going to my bachelor pad.
Oya-san, the Pug-Fugly Land Lady: Lalala, evicting Kenzaki.
Kenzaki: WTF? What did I do?
Guy Across the Hall: Hey, SHUDDUP! I'm trying to watch cosplay porn here.
Oya-san (aka the bitchy landlady we'll never see again 'cept for Missing Ace): You left THIS menace behind while you were out fighting Rubber Monstrosities for two months.
Ferbus: I ATE MANDORA BOY'S SOUL!
Kenzaki: Yeah, well, I left him here to kill you because you have a face like a cat anus.
Oya-san (is really Frau Farbisna): SO DOES HE!
Kenzaki: Details, details...
---
*once Kenzaki realizes that cat-anus faced bitch stole his collection of Battlized Power Ranger figures*
Kenzaki: Shit! Maybe Tachibanna-san will let me live in his basement if I take his girlfriend hostage.
Kotarou: Then he'll be on a never-ending quest to save his girlfriend?
Kenzaki: You mean like Xander?
---
*at the Hotel Double Virgin*
Kotarou: So, I let you stay here. You give me secret information about BOARD. I drink a whole gallon of milk for every time you blink. Is it a deal?
Kenzaki: The Law of Magitopia forbids us to reveal our true identities.
Kotarou: Well, you could always go live with him...
Ferbus: I SHIPWRECKED VERNE TROYER'S CAREER!
Kenzaki: ... So, should I start by telling you about Tachibanna-san's secret man-crush, or whether or not Chief Kurusuma wears underpants...
---
*in BOARD's secret room for the selected breeding of Malandians*
Tachibanna-san: What's that, evil bee larvae? Turn the fairground? Burn the sinners? Thy will shall be done.
---
*at the Jackaranda, where Piggy hopes to get rich quick in a non-profit organization*
Kotarou: Hi, are my sister and niece still living here?
Piggy: I'm sorry, but I don't speak Japanese...
Kotarou: I didn't think I was speaking Japanese.
Piggy: I'm sorry? What's all this about yuuki? I can't understand you.
Amane-chan (Kotarou's clingy niece): Kotarou-san! Guess what? We've found a boarder who sucks 201% less than you do!
Haruka-chan (Kotarou's sister, not that chick that replaced Misty in Pokemon): Yup, we'd like you to meet... Professor Phenomenous!
Prof Phenomenous: What, I forgot to wear clothes again? Perhaps to the untrained eye!
Haruka-chan: But we've been thinking of dropping him for an impossibly good-looking amateur photographer who has a shadowy past. And perhaps he can share a borderline-pedophilic relationship with my daughter.
Aikawa Hajime (is NOT Kamen Rider Chalice): I'm looking for the owner. I think his name is "Toby."
Haruka-chan: Welcome to your new home!
---
*a little later, while Hajime-san is dropping some acid*
Hajime: Masked Ri-der... Masked Ri-der...
Narrator: On a distant and embattled planet called "Edenoi," a young Prince named Dex is given great powers by his grandfather, The King.
Elvis: Uh, bless my soul, Dex. I'm gonna buy you a Cadillac.
Ferbus: I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR KAMEN RIDER HIBIKI!
Jessica Alba: I shall defeat the hordes of Orcs with my mighty She-Penis!
Captain Janeway: Beam up Conner McKnight at once. If he doesn't teach the Doctor how to play soccer in the next 24 hours, the She-Penis willl ASSIMILATE us!
Hajime: Man, I am so high right now...
---
*at BOARD headquarters, where terrorists have released Centox nerve bees or something*
Bees: Nobody's said "GAK!" this episode. Hey, I know!
Samwise Gamgee: Run Mr. Frodo! Centox nerve be-- GAK!
Bees: Much better!
---
*It's Kenzaki's Dream*
Darth Vader: Kurusuma-Wan never told you what happened to your parents.
Kenzaki: He told me enough. He told me that my mother was a web-footed French prostitute named Chloe. And my father was a Bothan car salesman named Puggleschmidt. Yeah, I guess dreams don't really make sense, but...
Darth Vader: Well, um, the bad news is, they burned to death in a fire! The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to--
---
*Kenzaki wakes up*
Kenzaki: OMG, the Matrix has me! Huh?
Kenzaki's Phone: Ring ring ring!
*Kenzaki picks up the phone*
Kenzaki: Morpheus?
Shiori: No, Kenzaki, it's Shiori! Something terrible's happened! Snape's killed Dumbledore!
Kenzaki: I'm on my way!
---
*at BOARD headquaters, which has just been invade by aliens; many of them with faces like wrinkled vaginas*
Kenzaki: What happened here?!
Wall Panel: Bump! Bump!
*Kenzaki opens the wall panel, and out falls Shiori*
Shiori: Kenzaki, it was terrible! At first I thought Maggie Smith was mooning us! But then I realized it was an Undead with a face like a wrinkled vagina!
Kenzaki: Was Alan Rickman involved?!
Shiori: No, but I thought I saw Tachibanna-san biting Chief Kurusuma in the ass.
Kenzaki: Wow. Looks like he doesn't have much faith in this show. He's already looking for a new job in the gay porn business.
---
*as a plague of man-Furby's reinvades board, and Snape slowly and agonizingly gets away because Harry is getting his face kicked in by Lucious Malfoy*
Kenzaki: NOOOOO!!! It can't be true! Tachibanna-san can't be a traitor! The almighty FLASHBACK says so!
Flashback Tachibanna: You must be Kenzaki, Blade. I'm Tachibanna, Garren. Be careful, I have been known to bite an ass or two.
Kenzaki: Well, so much for that.
---
*soon, the man-Furbys turn into a hideous rubber creature*
Kenzaki: Tracy Lynn Cruz? Have you come to pay back Vash the Stampede for that car you owe him?
Tracy Lynn: Not now! What about that other thing over there materializing from the hellish cockroaches?!
Kenzaki: Oh, that?! ... Maggie Smith?! Oh, no, wait, that's just the monster with the face like wrinkled female genitalia! Well, I guess it's time to Rider up!
Kenzaki's Rider Belt: RIDER UP!
Kenzaki: Lalala, going to attack the Undead!
*Maggie Smith stands back up straight, pulls up her knickers, and turns around to face Kenzaki*
Maggie Smith: Hello, dear. I believe the Undead went that way.
Kenzaki: Oh, um... Okay. Arigato!
---
*Kenzaki finally meets up with the Undead*
Kenzaki: Maggie Smith?
Undead: Nope.
Kenzaki: Glenn Close?
Undead: Nope.
Kenzaki: Sugoi!
---
*soon, while Kenzaki is getting PWNed by Vagina Face, who really doesn't resemble a vagina after all*
Kenzaki: Tachibanna-san!
*Tachibanna in Garren form stands watching behind a tree*
Tachibanna: Go on...
Kenzaki: Well, aren't you going to help?
Tachibanna: I don't have to do anything. Haven't you noticed? I'm the RED ONE!
Kenzaki: Do we have to bring Shane into every Fiver?!
*Tachibanna walks away with Snape and the other Death Eaters*
Kenzaki: No! I won't believe this! Despite what the flashback said, I won't believe this!
Undead: So, what do you believe?
Kenzaki: I will believe in BUTTERY YUUKI!
*buttery yuuki seems to have little effect this episode, as Glenn Close's Mangina PWNs Kenzaki at Ludicrous Speed*
Perhaps you didn't realize that fivers are MINDLESS DRIVEL!! They were never meant to warm anybody's heart or open one's mind to different forms of masturbation. You know, Dr. Phil stuff or something?
Anyway, now you have interrupted my busy schedule by causing me to be chosen as a competitor in the Toku Fanfic Film Festival. I should write a screenplay about how Kamen Rider Chalice CURB STOMPS ALL OF YOU LIKE THE LITTLE BITCHES YOU ARE! Which, incidentally, would make for a very 1337 story, because we all know Chalice is the shizznit, and most of us would probably give our right testicle and left ovary to have his foot grace the presence of our head against cold asphalt. If you don't have a testicle on your right, and an ovary on your left, you'd better see a doctor. There's probably something wrong with you.
BUT THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT! As punishment, you have been sentenced to wear Klingon condoms inside out for the rest of you pathetic existences. (Do the words "spiked for you honorable displeasure" mean anything to you?) But not before reading this, a part of my "new gen" fiver series. Which basically rips off all my fivers before it. Rather ironic.
It's recommended that to fully see the horrendous humor of this fiver for what it is -- horrendous because, for the most part, it's so true -- that you go to the Ultimate Kamen Rider thread and grab episode 1 of KR Blade, which I so graciously uploaded for all to enjoy not more than a week ago. HAHA, RYAN! I knew I'd find a way to get you to watch Kamen Rider Blade eventually. :p
Now, once this fiver is up on the Toku Fivers page, we can truly call it "TokuFivers," as it will serve to widen the scope from just Sentai/PR to other aspects of Metal Heroes as well. I can't believe nobody stepped up to the plate to do this ages ago. That is how flawed your system is! Where is your Jeebus now?!
In closing, I hate you all, and you suck... Except George Rodd. He's okay. Now enjoy this Fiver! Or I'll feed you to my pet targh!
......
Kamen Rider Blade Round 1 Fiver
This Fiver's "Aunt Jackie" : Chris "Courage... Courage... Courage!" Brockner
Executive Dude: GreenNinja
------
*a desert wasteland... on the backlot of Kytokyo*
Kenzaki (aka Blade): Huh, Kytokyo?! Isn't that where they'll one day film MagiRanger?
Chief Kurusuma (this year's chief): Kenzaki... Your mission!
Kenzaki: Oh, right! I'm on my way, Tachibana-san!
*Kenzaki speeds up a bit*
Shiori Hirose (this year's Babe on Tech): And Kenzaki, you've got the eternal milk-drinking virgin on your tail.
Kenzaki: Okay, I'm REALLY on my way, Tachibana-san!
*hits Warp 10, where he simultaneously joins with everything in the universe, including Bruce Kalish*
Bruce Kalish: Wow! Something just hit my brain like a ball of light... I'm going to save that idea for future reference.
------
*the batcave. where billionaire spelunkers call home*
Tachibana-san (aka Garren): Ugh! This bat undead is kicking my ass!
Broodwing: Take that, Garren! PWNage!
*over in the corner huddles the eternal milk-drinking virgin, Kotarou*
Kotarou: Aburera?
Cave Wall: BOOM!
Boom: No, not for another year.
*Kenzaki rides in through the fresh hole in the wall*
Kenzaki: Then how about Phineas?
Boom: Phine-who?
---
*roll the theme song*
Nanase Aikawa: Quickly, hide Mutsuki Jackson over there. We're not supposed to reveal him for at least another twenty episodes!
Mutsuki: Yee-heee!
Kenzaki: We REALLY need to replace this theme song by then...
---
Mandora Boy: Round One -- "Garren Bites Everyone in the Ass ~ Magi Gii Assika"
Garren's Gun: Bang, bang, BANG!
*Garren blows a hole in the cave ceiling right above Broodwing*
Broodwing: Arrgh! My plastic is fading! I was trying to keep in mint condition, and now I'm turning from red to a pastel purple, and my body is starting to look like a common Krybot's!
Tachibanna: Oh, so THAT explains Bandai of America's little indiscretion.
Kenzaki's Motorcycle: Speaking of which, Bandai of America would love this show.
Kenzaki: Come on Tachibanna-san! Get on YOUR cycle, too!
Kotarou: Mr. BoA Exec, did you hear that? TWO cycles!
BoA Exec: ORGASM!
---
*soon*
Kenzaki: Tackle attack!
Broodwing: WTF?! Are you a Bulbasaur or something?!
Tachibanna: Kenzaki, please, let me show you how a REAL man handles things.
Kenzaki: The Fatal Blade?
Tachibanna: Pfft! What did two swords every do for anybody?
*Tachibanna runs some cards through his Rouzer, which sounds pretty painful*
Rouzer: DROP! FIRE!
Tachibanna: BLAZE STORM KICK!
Kenzaki: Oh, that was original...
Broodwing: GAK! Now I'm bleeding green paint!
Tachibanna: A green one, eh? give 'im a cycle, and put him in a gift pack with Solaris Knight and Knight Wolf Fury.
Broodwing: Anything else?
Tachibanna: Oh, yeah, right...
Jetix Card: CAPTURE!
Broodwing: Oh, I hate foreshadowing!
---
*the past, which is actually the show's present, but was filmed in the year 200-- ah fuck it! -- soon*
Tachibanna & Kenzaki: DEMORPHAGE!
Kenzaki: Wow, Tachibanna-san, you sure are wise.
Tachibanna: Nope, just angsty! *rides off*
Kotarou: Wow, this is so cool!
Kenzaki: Hey, who are you?!
Kotarou: I'm Kotarou Shirai. Or Shirai Kotarou. Depends on whether you use the surname first or not. Anywho, ever since Kuuga, I've been looking for Riders to be the subject of, well, y'know... That book I've been writing. I'm going to be kind of like your sidekick.
Kenzaki: This sucks!
Kotarou: I can think of worse sidekicks for a Masked Rider.
Kenzaki: Such as?
Kotarou: Let me think... Ah, yes, howzabout a two-and-a-half foot tall man-Furby!
Kenzaki: ...
...
...
>.>
<.<
...
...
I hate it when you're right.
---
*BOARD headquarters, where everyone is as bored as the place they work for*
Kenzaki: Arriveage!
BOARD Computer: Oh, I see, you must be this year's Kuuga rehash. Come right in.
---
*Kenzaki walks in Chief Kurusuma's office*
Shiori: Wow, we've gotta slow down on the whole "Sealing the Undead" thing. We're running out of Jetix Cards!
Chief Kurusuma: Call Disney, and tell them to send us another batch.
*Kurusuma looks at Tachibanna*
Chief Kurusuma: You look like someone just killed your girlfriend.
Tachibanna: Actually, I'm just pissed at you because you think I suck.
Chief Kurusuma: Wait, I don't think you suck.
...
...
The fact is I am 100% CERTAIN that you suck.
Tachibanna: Yeah, well, that must be why you hired this idiot over here.
Kenzaki: Ferbus is BUTTERY!! Yuuki!
Chief Kurusuma: Okay, you may have a point.
Tachibanna: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some ass-biting to do.
Kenzaki: Reminds me of that gay porno I was in once...
---
*at Kotarou's swinging VIRGIN bachelor pad*
Kotarou: BOARD stands for "Board of Archaeology and Research Development." So, it's basically SPD, but they specialize in boring dinosaur bone stories. Yawn. But what do archaeologists need with metal beetle costumes. What did Tommy need with a PhD? Hmm, maybe I'll just drop writing and go back into male prostitution. It's not like a Masked Rider is just going to lose his home and drop right at my doorstep.
*BOOM!*
Kotarou's Doorbell: Ding dong!
*Kotarou opens the door*
Dex: Greetings, my friend, I have come here to battle the forces of Count Dregon an--
Kotarou: Arggh! JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!
Kotarou's Door: SLAM!
---
*at Kenzaki's equally VIRGIN bachelor pad*
Kenzaki: Lalala, going to my bachelor pad.
Oya-san, the Pug-Fugly Land Lady: Lalala, evicting Kenzaki.
Kenzaki: WTF? What did I do?
Guy Across the Hall: Hey, SHUDDUP! I'm trying to watch cosplay porn here.
Oya-san (aka the bitchy landlady we'll never see again 'cept for Missing Ace): You left THIS menace behind while you were out fighting Rubber Monstrosities for two months.
Ferbus: I ATE MANDORA BOY'S SOUL!
Kenzaki: Yeah, well, I left him here to kill you because you have a face like a cat anus.
Oya-san (is really Frau Farbisna): SO DOES HE!
Kenzaki: Details, details...
---
*once Kenzaki realizes that cat-anus faced bitch stole his collection of Battlized Power Ranger figures*
Kenzaki: Shit! Maybe Tachibanna-san will let me live in his basement if I take his girlfriend hostage.
Kotarou: Then he'll be on a never-ending quest to save his girlfriend?
Kenzaki: You mean like Xander?
---
*at the Hotel Double Virgin*
Kotarou: So, I let you stay here. You give me secret information about BOARD. I drink a whole gallon of milk for every time you blink. Is it a deal?
Kenzaki: The Law of Magitopia forbids us to reveal our true identities.
Kotarou: Well, you could always go live with him...
Ferbus: I SHIPWRECKED VERNE TROYER'S CAREER!
Kenzaki: ... So, should I start by telling you about Tachibanna-san's secret man-crush, or whether or not Chief Kurusuma wears underpants...
---
*in BOARD's secret room for the selected breeding of Malandians*
Tachibanna-san: What's that, evil bee larvae? Turn the fairground? Burn the sinners? Thy will shall be done.
---
*at the Jackaranda, where Piggy hopes to get rich quick in a non-profit organization*
Kotarou: Hi, are my sister and niece still living here?
Piggy: I'm sorry, but I don't speak Japanese...
Kotarou: I didn't think I was speaking Japanese.
Piggy: I'm sorry? What's all this about yuuki? I can't understand you.
Amane-chan (Kotarou's clingy niece): Kotarou-san! Guess what? We've found a boarder who sucks 201% less than you do!
Haruka-chan (Kotarou's sister, not that chick that replaced Misty in Pokemon): Yup, we'd like you to meet... Professor Phenomenous!
Prof Phenomenous: What, I forgot to wear clothes again? Perhaps to the untrained eye!
Haruka-chan: But we've been thinking of dropping him for an impossibly good-looking amateur photographer who has a shadowy past. And perhaps he can share a borderline-pedophilic relationship with my daughter.
Aikawa Hajime (is NOT Kamen Rider Chalice): I'm looking for the owner. I think his name is "Toby."
Haruka-chan: Welcome to your new home!
---
*a little later, while Hajime-san is dropping some acid*
Hajime: Masked Ri-der... Masked Ri-der...
Narrator: On a distant and embattled planet called "Edenoi," a young Prince named Dex is given great powers by his grandfather, The King.
Elvis: Uh, bless my soul, Dex. I'm gonna buy you a Cadillac.
Ferbus: I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR KAMEN RIDER HIBIKI!
Jessica Alba: I shall defeat the hordes of Orcs with my mighty She-Penis!
Captain Janeway: Beam up Conner McKnight at once. If he doesn't teach the Doctor how to play soccer in the next 24 hours, the She-Penis willl ASSIMILATE us!
Hajime: Man, I am so high right now...
---
*at BOARD headquarters, where terrorists have released Centox nerve bees or something*
Bees: Nobody's said "GAK!" this episode. Hey, I know!
Samwise Gamgee: Run Mr. Frodo! Centox nerve be-- GAK!
Bees: Much better!
---
*It's Kenzaki's Dream*
Darth Vader: Kurusuma-Wan never told you what happened to your parents.
Kenzaki: He told me enough. He told me that my mother was a web-footed French prostitute named Chloe. And my father was a Bothan car salesman named Puggleschmidt. Yeah, I guess dreams don't really make sense, but...
Darth Vader: Well, um, the bad news is, they burned to death in a fire! The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to--
---
*Kenzaki wakes up*
Kenzaki: OMG, the Matrix has me! Huh?
Kenzaki's Phone: Ring ring ring!
*Kenzaki picks up the phone*
Kenzaki: Morpheus?
Shiori: No, Kenzaki, it's Shiori! Something terrible's happened! Snape's killed Dumbledore!
Kenzaki: I'm on my way!
---
*at BOARD headquaters, which has just been invade by aliens; many of them with faces like wrinkled vaginas*
Kenzaki: What happened here?!
Wall Panel: Bump! Bump!
*Kenzaki opens the wall panel, and out falls Shiori*
Shiori: Kenzaki, it was terrible! At first I thought Maggie Smith was mooning us! But then I realized it was an Undead with a face like a wrinkled vagina!
Kenzaki: Was Alan Rickman involved?!
Shiori: No, but I thought I saw Tachibanna-san biting Chief Kurusuma in the ass.
Kenzaki: Wow. Looks like he doesn't have much faith in this show. He's already looking for a new job in the gay porn business.
---
*as a plague of man-Furby's reinvades board, and Snape slowly and agonizingly gets away because Harry is getting his face kicked in by Lucious Malfoy*
Kenzaki: NOOOOO!!! It can't be true! Tachibanna-san can't be a traitor! The almighty FLASHBACK says so!
Flashback Tachibanna: You must be Kenzaki, Blade. I'm Tachibanna, Garren. Be careful, I have been known to bite an ass or two.
Kenzaki: Well, so much for that.
---
*soon, the man-Furbys turn into a hideous rubber creature*
Kenzaki: Tracy Lynn Cruz? Have you come to pay back Vash the Stampede for that car you owe him?
Tracy Lynn: Not now! What about that other thing over there materializing from the hellish cockroaches?!
Kenzaki: Oh, that?! ... Maggie Smith?! Oh, no, wait, that's just the monster with the face like wrinkled female genitalia! Well, I guess it's time to Rider up!
Kenzaki's Rider Belt: RIDER UP!
Kenzaki: Lalala, going to attack the Undead!
*Maggie Smith stands back up straight, pulls up her knickers, and turns around to face Kenzaki*
Maggie Smith: Hello, dear. I believe the Undead went that way.
Kenzaki: Oh, um... Okay. Arigato!
---
*Kenzaki finally meets up with the Undead*
Kenzaki: Maggie Smith?
Undead: Nope.
Kenzaki: Glenn Close?
Undead: Nope.
Kenzaki: Sugoi!
---
*soon, while Kenzaki is getting PWNed by Vagina Face, who really doesn't resemble a vagina after all*
Kenzaki: Tachibanna-san!
*Tachibanna in Garren form stands watching behind a tree*
Tachibanna: Go on...
Kenzaki: Well, aren't you going to help?
Tachibanna: I don't have to do anything. Haven't you noticed? I'm the RED ONE!
Kenzaki: Do we have to bring Shane into every Fiver?!
*Tachibanna walks away with Snape and the other Death Eaters*
Kenzaki: No! I won't believe this! Despite what the flashback said, I won't believe this!
Undead: So, what do you believe?
Kenzaki: I will believe in BUTTERY YUUKI!
*buttery yuuki seems to have little effect this episode, as Glenn Close's Mangina PWNs Kenzaki at Ludicrous Speed*