Tommy’s Baby

[Sabrina]

Tommy’s Baby



In my story tommy is still with kimberly.




Tommy is 19 years old is this story


Tommy is at his computer trying to figure out a math problem.

When all of a sudden he hears a baby crying. He gets up from his computer chair and follows the sound. He ends up in the kitchen and find Ashia that is as Ashia is crying his head of from hunger head off in a playpen.

Then he notices a note taped to the palypen the note says


(Tommy if your reading this it means that something a happened to me please take good care of Ashia for me your friend Trini )

he thinks how am I going to be able to take care of her?

I have never taken a parenting class before


Then kimberly walks in. She drops the shopping bags she’s carrying when she sees tommy holding Ashia in his arms .Tommy looks up when he hears the shopping bags hit the floor.

Kimberly says where did she come?


Something has happened to trini! Contact the other rangers. Kimberly contacts the other rangers with her communater. Billy and Zack telaports into Tommy’s
Kitchen. Kimberly what’s wrong? Well Tommy found a baby crying it's head off in his kitchen.

Billy and Zack look over at tommy and see him rocking her in his arms, as she falls sound asleep.

Billy whispers let take her to Zordon. Tommy says I can’t telaport with her. All of a sudden kimberly’s communater goes off, Waking Ashia, Tommy gives kimberly a look that says not what do I do ?

Zordon comes over kimberly’s and says alpha’s is going to send a carseat to tommy’s house. All of a sudden there is a carseat on tommys kitchen table

Tommy then tells zordon that the she looks hungry but he does not know what to feed her. Tommy then finds a list under the playpen. Hummm says tommy. I did not notice this before. then tommy looks outside Tommy looks outside and says I did not see this before. Billy ask what?


the note says to look outside and there is i need to tkae good care of her.

Everything I need to take care of Ashia. Including baby formula and a baby bottle. Tommy takes a can of baby formula and goes back into the kitchen. Then tommy makes a bottle of formula for her. Billy tests the formula to see if it’s to hot for her.

It’s just right. Tommy gives Ashia the bottle. She gladly takes the bottle. Then Billy then carefully puts Ashia into the carseat. Then him and the other rangers telaports to the communed center. At the communed center billy telaports the playpen and other stuff to the communed center.

There billy then starts to search for trini. He finds trini unconscious in the car. it’s only 52.8 degrees and it’s the beginning of winter. Trini’s not moving at all and barely breathing all scans for vital signs he finds that her heart is barely beating from the cold . Then tommy looks at the screen, and says she’s barely alive.

All the of a sudden they see a beam of light. Kimberly turns around to see Ashia telaporting Trini back to the command center. She yells OH MY GOD !!!!

Ashia has magic powers. Billygoes and gets the medical equipment out. Tommy grabs the ambubag and start to pump oxygen into trini’s body. A few minutes later trini slaps tommy on the face. Tommy said why did u hit me ? Because I thought you were a putty!

A putty ?

Yes the putty’s are after her. Trini then yells for Ashia ! Billy picks up Ashia and hands her too trini. Trini happily takes Ashia.

Ashia must have telaported her self to tommy house for safety, then telaported everything he would need to take care of her . Then to let him know she was there she started to cry really loud. I thought I would never see her again. Luckily tommy knew exactly what to do to save you. Tommy then scans Ashia to see who the father is. The test takes about a min

[Impy]

...

Please stop writing fanfiction forever.

[Sabrina]

then what should i do to fix it then ?

[Impy]

then what should i do to fix it then ?
...never have written this in the first place.

[SPDSlipstreamRanger]

cool fic needs a little work in areas tho specifically grammar and punctuation but not bad at all, also the wording needs sorting out like how your characters are being expressed and that

[Sabrina]

SPDSlipstreamRanger thank you i'll work on it some more later and fix my grammar and punctuation ok maybe my mom will help me with it

[JDF'd]

*reads fic*

*views Sabrina's profile*

...you're 20? Wow. Um... wow.

[hasso_opitz]

*reads fic*

*views Sabrina's profile*

...you're 20? Wow. Um... wow.
Since when does age apply here?

[GreenNinja]

Impy, Jer...I have one acronym for you.

MST.

[Sabrina]

What's an acronym ? :confused:

[Koragg]

What's an acronym ? :confused:

A word (as radar) formed from the beginning letter or letters of each or most of the parts of a compound term.

[GreenNinja]

What's an acronym ? :confused:
I thought you'd ask what MST is, but...wow. Wasn't expecting this.

[Sabrina]

What's MST ? :confused: mountain standard time :confused:

[MMPRblue]

yes it means mountain standard time

but anyway, about the fic

creative story, but give more background information. does ashia have a father? what happened with him? why are the putties after ashia? what gave her the magic powers?

and with the wording, get the hang of subject-verb agreement, and don't use the word "Ashia" every single time you refer to her, maybe throw in a "she" or a "her" in every once in a while, make it a little more interesting.

keep working at it. writing takes practice. i'm still not very good at it. don't let people that tell you you shouldn't ever write again get you down!

[GreenNinja]

yes it means mountain standard time
That wasn't the MST I was talking about.

[MMPRblue]

That wasn't the MST I was talking about.

sarcasm, but yeah lol

[Sabrina]

Writing is not my strong suit

[Sabrina]

Tommy’s Baby


In my story tommy is still with kimberly.




Tommy is 19 years old is this story

AShia is almost 11 months old in htis story

Tommy is at his computer trying to figure out a math problem.

When all of a sudden he hears a baby crying. He gets up from his computer chair and follows the sound. He ends up in the kitchen and find Ashia that is as Ashia is crying his head of from hunger her head off in a playpen.

Then he notices a note taped to the palypen the note says


(Tommy if your reading this it means that something a happened to me please take good care of Ashia for me your friend Trini )

he thinks how am I going to be able to take care of her?

I have never taken a parenting class before


Then Kimberly walks in. She drops the shopping bags she’s carrying when she sees Tommy holding Ashia in his arms .Tommy looks up when he hears the shopping bags hit the floor.

Kimberly says where did she come?


Something has happened to Trini! Contact the other rangers. Kimberly contacts the other rangers with her communater. Billy and Zack telaport into Tommy’s Kitchen.

Kimberly what’s wrong? Well Tommy found a baby crying it's head off in his kitchen.

Billy and Zack look over at tommy and see him rocking her in his arms, as she falls sound asleep.

Billy whispers let take her to Zordon. Tommy says I can’t telaport with her. All of a sudden Kimberly’s communater goes off, Waking Ashia, Tommy gives Kimberly a look that says not what do I do ?

Zordon comes over Kimberly's communater all sudden there is a carseat on tommys kitchen table

Tommy then tells zordon that the she looks hungry but he does not know what to feed her. Tommy then finds a list under the playpen. Hummm says tommy. I did not notice this before. then tommy looks outside Tommy looks outside and says I did not see this before. Billy ask what?


the note says to look outside and there is I need to take good care of her.

Everything I need to take care of Ashia. Including baby formula and a baby bottle. Tommy takes a can of baby formula and goes back into the kitchen. Then tommy makes a bottle of formula for her. Billy tests the formula to see if it’s to hot for her.

It’s just right. Tommy gives Ashia the bottle into the carseat. Then he and the other rangers telaport to the communed center. At the communed center Billy telaports the playpen and other stuff to the communed center.

There billy then starts to search for trini. He finds Trini unconscious in the car. it’s only 52.8 degrees and it’s the beginning of winter. Trini’s not moving at all and barely breathing. Then Billy scans for all vital signs he finds that her heart is barely beating from the cold . Then tommy looks at the screen, and says she’s barely alive.

All the of a sudden they see a beam of light. Kimberly turns around to see Ashia telaporting Trini back to the command center. She yells OH MY GOD !!!!

Ashia has magic powers. Billy goes and gets the medical equipment out. Tommy grabs the ambubag and start to pump oxygen into trini’s body. A few minutes later trini slaps tommy on the face. Tommy said why did you hit me ?

Because I thought you were a putty!

A putty ?

Yes the putty’s are after her. Trini then yells for Ashia ! Billy picks up Ashia very carefully and hands her too Trini. Then Trini happily takes Ashia.

Ashia must have telaported her self to tommy house for safety, then telaported everything he would need to take care of her . Then to let him know she was there she started to cry really loud. I thought I would never see her again.

Luckily tommy knew exactly what to do to save you. Tommy then scans Ashia with one of Billy’s inventions to see who the father is. The test takes about a minute. The test then prints out the result alpha 5 reads it and drops the piece of paper, Then looks a tommy. You’re her father!

Kimberly yells WHAT! Then faints billy says she’ll be out for a few hours with a chuckle. Then tommy says that he does not have any magic powers. Billy then says a gene in the human blueprint can be dormant for years. Until they are passed on from one generation to much younger generation.

That's the reason the putty’s are after her is because she can telaport people anywhere in the universe.


how's this ? :confused:

[MMPRblue]

still some spelling mistakes, but yeah its better. maybe this time try and incorporate the reason the putties are after her into the story a little more. keep working!

[hasso_opitz]

I think it's pretty interesting. If you like writing it, and it isn't against the rules of course, shit on anyone who is an ass about it.

[Sabrina]

how old should Ashia be in my story ? :confused:

[MMPRblue]

i say 2

[Sabrina]

Tommy’s Baby



In my story tommy is still with kimberly.




Tommy is 19 years old is this story


Ashia is 2 years old in this story
















Tommy is at his computer trying to figure out a math problem.

When all of a sudden he hears a baby crying. He gets up from his computer chair and follows the sound. He ends up in the kitchen and find Ashia that is as Ashia is crying his head of from hunger her head off in a playpen.

Then he notices a note taped to the palypen the note says


(Tommy if your reading this it means that something a happened to me please take good care of Ashia for me your friend Trini )

he thinks how am I going to be able to take care of her?

I have never taken a parenting class before


Then Kimberly walks in. She drops the shopping bags she’s carrying when she sees Tommy holding Ashia in his arms .Tommy looks up when he hears the shopping bags hit the floor.

Kimberly says where did she come?


Something has happened to Trini! Contact the other rangers. Kimberly contacts the other rangers with her communater. Billy and Zack telaport into Tommy’s Kitchen.

Kimberly what’s wrong? Well Tommy found a baby crying it's head off in his kitchen.

Billy and Zack look over at tommy and see him rocking her in his arms, as she falls sound asleep.

Billy whispers let take her to Zordon. Tommy says I can’t telaport with her. All of a sudden Kimberly’s communater goes off, Waking Ashia, Tommy gives Kimberly a look that says not what do I do ?

Zordon comes over Kimberly's communater all sudden there is a carseat on tommys kitchen table

Tommy then tells zordon that the she looks hungry but he does not know what to feed her. Tommy then finds a list under the playpen. Hummm says tommy. I did not notice this before. then tommy looks outside Tommy looks outside and says I did not see this before. Billy ask what?


the note says to look outside and there is I need to take good care of her.

Everything I need to take care of Ashia. Including baby formula and a baby bottle. Tommy takes a can of baby formula and goes back into the kitchen. Then tommy makes a bottle of formula for her. Billy tests the formula to see if it’s to hot for her.

It’s just right. Tommy gives Ashia the bottle into the carseat. Then he and the other rangers telaport to the communed center. At the communed center Billy telaports the playpen and other stuff to the communed center.

There billy then starts to search for trini. He finds Trini unconscious in the car. it’s only 52.8 degrees and it’s the beginning of winter. Trini’s not moving at all and barely breathing. Then Billy scans for all vital signs he finds that her heart is barely beating from the cold . Then tommy looks at the screen, and says she’s barely alive.

All the of a sudden they see a beam of light. Kimberly turns around to see Ashia telaporting Trini back to the command center. She yells OH MY GOD !!!!



Ashia has magic powers. Billy goes and gets the medical equipment out. Tommy grabs the ambubag and start to pump oxygen into trini’s body. A few minutes later trini slaps Tommy on the face. Tommy said why did you hit me?

Because I thought you were a putty!

A putty ?

Yes the putty’s are after her. Trini then yells for Ashia ! Billy picks up Ashia very carefully and hands her too Trini. Then Trini happily takes Ashia.

Ashia must have telaported her self to tommy house for safety, then telaported everything he would need to take care of her . Then to let him know she was there she started to cry really loud. I thought I would never see her again.

Luckily tommy knew exactly what to do to save you. Tommy then scans Ashia with one of Billy’s inventions to see who the father is. The test takes about a minute. The test then prints out the result alpha 5 reads it and drops the piece of paper, Then looks a tommy. You’re her father!

Kimberly yells WHAT! Then faints billy says she’ll be out for a few hours with a chuckle. Then tommy says that he does not have any magic powers. Billy then says a gene in the human blueprint can be dormant for years. Until they are passed on from one generation to much younger generation.

That's the reason the putty’s are after her is because she can telaport people anywhere in the universe. I was on my way to the to the zoo. When all sudden Ashia yells Putty’s then I passed out and that’s all I remember.

[Sabrina]

I'm working on Chapter 2 right now

[Crimson Dragon]

dont worry about critisim, it almost stopped me from writing but now im getting better. If u want, maybe you could put the story like this

Tommy: Hey

Aisha: Hey

Then they both morphed.

Or something like that.

[Sabrina]

Ashia is 2 lol

[Cerebro]

You could also put in Quotation Marks to indicate what the character is saying...

Billy whispers let take her to Zordon. Tommy says I can’t telaport with her. All of a sudden Kimberly’s communater goes off, Waking Ashia, Tommy gives Kimberly a look that says not what do I do ?
Could go as...

"Let's take her to Zordon," Billy suggested. Speaking as softly as possible to avoid waking Aisha.

"But I can't teleport with her," Tommy replied.

Suddenly, Kimberly's communicator goes off, waking Aisha in the process.

"Oh great, now what do I do?" Tommy mumbles to himself. The look he gave his significant other spoke volumes.


A word of caution, though... Be careful of how you phrase your paragraphs & sentences, or you'll end-up with a character saying what another character should have said... :)

------------

Good luck with your fiction writing.

[Decade]

You should be using quotation marks whenever someone's thinking or talking.

[ankurx13]

how about one little change.
how about instead of "communed center" you go with "command center"