ZeoMew2Too
06-27-2005, 07:32 PM
Yup, I've moved onto Sentai now. It's recommended that you watch MagiRanger Stage 01, preferably subbed, before reading this.
The usual drivel: Those of you who are not familiar with a fiver (http://www.fiveminute.net/) should be able to get this: Take your favorite show, cut down alot of the dialogue, and parody the hell out of it in a "script" format with some humorous blurbs in place of anything resembling a real story. Enjoy... OR BE DOOMED!
Mahou Sentai MagiRanger
Stage 01 Fiver
Creative Micromanager
Christopher "5erbigcheese" Brockner
Special Thanks
GreenNinja
M_M_M
*downtown... Kytokyo, I dunno; some little girl is buying a balloon*
Vendor: Pleeeease!
Little Japanese Girl: Thank you. And for Chrissakes, use English appropriately!
Balloon: Wait, isn't this supposed to be in Japane-- GAK!
Mysterious-Soccer-Person-Who-Is-Really-Kai: Oh! That balloon can talk. I must save it, no matter the cost!
----
*in hell, which looks alot like a Klingon courtroom*
Vancuria: Hello, Gruum!
Branken: Yeah, me and Gruum share a second cousin or something. It's only natural there's a family resemblance.
Vancuria: Yeah, except Gruum doesn't have ugly metal where his face should be. This is why I've always liked American make-up jobs better...
Branken: You'd get along well with Poweranimals. But need I remind you of Anubis Cruger?
Vancuria: Touche!
Branken: And how are you, Akasha?
Vancuria: I'm not THAT Queen of Vampires, you idiot!
Branken: Sorry, been reading alot of Anne Rice. The closest thing to porn down here.
Wolzard: This is going to get alot worse before it gets any better.
M_M_M
*opening credits*
Announcer: Magic! It's a sacred power! Magic! It's an adventure into the unknown! Magic! It's taking advantage of the Harry Potter craze to a new level for fun & profit...
...
...
Mostly profit.
...
...
Oh, yes, I know our actors this year are ugly, but they grow on you after awhile.
M_M_M
Goddam Mandrake Plant: Stage 01! The Morning of The Journey's Beginning! Magi Magi Majiro! ... De goozarimasu desu! ... I PWN YOUR SOUL!
Ozu Family: Good morning!
Makito: Straight from the produce area, it's my Aniki Salad!
Jap. Male Announcer-Type Judge: It's bursting with flavor!
Jap. Executive 40ish Female Judge: Mmm! The consistency is outstanding! What is that salty flavor?
Jap. Young Pop Idol-Type Judge: I think he used eel semen as a dressing!
All Judges: Mmm! Eel semen!
Houka: Urara-chan, pass me some of big brother's jizz dressing.
Urara: This isn't SPD. Those kind of jokes make us look like "one of THOSE families."
Tsubasa: I'm going to sit here and be the tough, unmovable, oft-belligerent stereotype. I'm in the same vein as Yukito and Houji. Nii-san, your salad sucks!
Makito: Domo!
Urara: Let's talk about love, which will lead us to a casual conversation about magic for some reason.
Houka: Do you believe in magic, in a young girl's heart...[/singing]
Tsubasa: Great. That's all we fucking need. Another singing Pink Ranger.
*Miyuki Ozu, aka MagiMother, enters*
Miyuki: Quiet! There's no such thing as magic! And you might wake the goddam Mandrake plant.
Tsubasa: How can we drag out this scene any longer... I've got it! How come Kai-san isn't here?
Miyuki: Kai-san is at soccer practice.
*Conner walks into the room*
Conner: Hi everyone, I'm home! *sits down* So, whatcha eatin'?
*everyone stares at Connor*
Conner: >.>
<.<
What, not even a new power-up for little brother?
*Miyuki slowly brings up a blowtorch and a pair of pliers from under the table*
Conner: Fine, fine, I'll leave!
*Conner leaves; Makito turns on the television*
TV Reporter: This is Asian reporter Trisha Takinawa reporting to you live downtown from the beautiful Asian city of Kytokyo on the lovely Asian continent of Japanasia. It appears that a Japanese high school student is scaling the side of a building to get back a little Asian girl's decidedly ASIAN balloon.
Tsubasa: That Asian foo is gonna git his yellow ass left.
Miyuki: I'll have none of that ghetto talk in my house!
*a group of skinny Japanese young men walk in sporting bad imitations of American street clothes*
Lead Japanese Hood: Wattsup, ma Japanigga?
Miyuki: Out! OUT! *furiously throws onigiri until the riff-raff leaves*
Makito: There's some Japanese proverb about smoke and idiots floating to the top. I just think this kid has been smoking dope.
Urara: Then it must be our Kai-chan!
*Kai walks in the door*
Kai: Hello, everyone! Did you hear about how I climbed the building to get back the little girl's balllon?!
Urara: But, if that guy on TV isn't you, who is it?
TV Reporter: Well, Tom and Dianne, it seems that we might have been mistaken. This is, according to new eyewitness reports, the SECOND incidence of a young man climbing to the top of a building to retrieve a ballon today. Unfortunately, this time the youth in question may not even be Asian. Our "Live at 5" chopper now brings you a clearer view of this NON-ASIAN moron.
*cut to a closeup of the moron in question, who is actually Bridge Carson; Bridge grabs the balloon and starts licking it*
Bridge: Mmm... Buttery!
Crowd Below: AGGGHHH! IT'S JEWZILLA! AGGGHHH---
*Tsubasa turns off the TV*
Tsubasa: This scene has gone on long enough.
------
*next shot, where the Ozu family is walking away from the scene of the balloon incident for some reason*
Kai: Weren't we just at home?
Tsubasa: The fiver took some poetic license. Anyway, because of what you did earlier, you... Wait, how do you say "suck balls" in Japanese again?
Makito: Mellon?
Kai: But that balloon, it was just so... Buttery!
Voice of Wolzard: Uzazare...
*a hideous troll appears from a rich purple seal of magic in the ground*
Edmund: HI??? IM HTE TROL??? I SUIT YOU DOWN???
Miyuki: AGGGHH!! RUN CHILDREN! IT'S TARDZILLA!!!
---
*still running; a little later*
Miyuki: Well, I guess it's THAT time again.
Houka: To believe in magic and become a courageous warrior?
Miyuki: Nope, to bring out y3k's SIRF. But first...
*takes out MagiPhone*
Miyuki: Heavenly Potter... Erm, Harry Saint, grant me the power of magic! Mahou Henshin, Magi Magi Majiro!
*Miyuki henshins up into MagiMother*
MagiMother: Edmund, you're BANNED! And not just the two day kind, either.
Edmund: I WIL EMALL PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES GEORGE W. BUSH??? SEE YU LATTER ASHOLES???
*Edmund disappears*
Hoji: Suupaa kuuru!
----
Miyuki: Okay, remember how I said magic was bullshit? I lied.
...
...
It's actually Mandrake plant shit.
Kai: Kaa-san, that monster you fought, was that a Hades Beast from Underground Hades Infershia?
Miyuki: No, he's an escapee from the "special class." But, Infershia is who you'll be fighting for the rest of the series. I will give you powers from the Heavenly Saints. I don't know why we call them saints. I don't even think they believe in Jesus.
Makito: Who do they believe in?
Tommy: Be at peace, My dear children. All will be revealed in time...
Urara: Who's that?
Makito: You're too young to remember "Zyuranger." That is Burai's counterpart. And Kou's. And Tsuruhime's... And Gorou... Jinnai for a time... He killed Asuka and got stuck in his suit. Poweranimals said so.
Houka: Was Tommy the nerd with the glasses? The comically hip black guy?
Makito: No, Nee-chan, he was the HAIRBAG!
Ozu-tachi: Ooooooooh!
Miyuki: Anyway, Magiro!
*black robes appear on the Ozu siblings, except Kai, whose turmoil over not being chosen will flesh out the rest of this episode*
Makito: Wow, we look like Satanists!
Miyuki: Now, I'm getting a text message from Commander Doggy Cruger. It says, "Hey baby, let's meet in the year 2020 at that little corner motel where we first... Oh, never mind that, there are footsoldiers attacking!
Ozu-tachi: Footsoldiers?
Miyuki: Yes. We call them Zovil. But the stupid Americans will probably call them Zombots, or Zomboids or something.
Urara: Yes, Power Rangers is rather repitive when it comes to naming grunt enemies.
Poweranimals: Your opinion doesn't count now. Sentai Snob!
---
*a little later, when the other siblings have left*
Kai: Kaa-san, why didn't I get the magic power?
Miyuki: The cave -- remember your failure at the cave! You are reckless.
Kai: I am not afraid.
Miyuki: You will be... You will be!
---
Houka: Oh, those things are grotesque.
*a flock of naked George Rodd bots stand before Ozu-tachi*
Makito: Yeah, good thing we're fighting those instead!
*points at Zovil*
Makito: Now, even though I'm a peace-loving hippy or something... It's henshin time!
*Ozu-tachi henshin up, and waste time with a role call that basically tells us things about their team identity we could have guessed from the opening credits*
Ozu-tachi: Snark! But, dry Asian snark. Tastes like Pocky!
Zovil: GAK! Oooh, Pocky!
Ozu-tachi: Sugoi!
Voice of Wolzard: Zazarezazare.
Ozu-tachi: Kuso!
Kai: Don't worry, everyone! I'll save you! I have no fe--
*sees Wolzard*
Kai: No feeling in my lower half, and that's not counting my penis, which has now jumped into my throat.
Wolzard: By the way you comport yourself, I can't imagine it's the first to have gotten caught in there.
---
*at the Ozu residence*
Miyuki: I feel THE EVIL!
Baskins: It's not time for that yet!
Miyuki: I feel Wolzard, then?
Baskins: Much better!
---
Ozu-tachi: Blah, blah, blah, he's a magician. We're fucked!
Wolzard: Even your little brother can't save you.
Kai: Wait for it...
Wolzard: That stupid little bastard.
Kai: Not yet.
Wolzard: He sucks cocks for quarters.
Kai: Must resist....
Wolzard: In fact, if his mother gave head as good as he does, he wouldn't have been born.
Kai: Strong, Kai, strong!
Wolzard: This fucknuts chased a stupid ballon up a building.
Kai: YOU ASSHOLE! THAT BALLOON WAS BUTTERY!
*Kai comes out and catches Wolzard's weapon just as Wolzard is about to make Makito's scrotum a blade ornament*
Kai: AGGH! You cut off my hand.
Wolzard: This symbolism is just fueling the flames for those who believe I'm your... Oh, fuck it! Zovil, attack!
Tsubasa: What are you, fucking Zeltrax or something?
Wolzard: Nope, but I am doing Kelly.
---
*Kai gets a Magiphone, and henshins up*
Kai: Look, guys, I'm the Red One!
Tsubasa: Great, that's all we need. Another Shane.
Kai: Tsu-san, you idiot, I'm weaing red and I play soccer. Don't you know what this means?
Tsubasa: You can turn one of the Zovil into a soccerball and use it to defeat the other ones?
Kai: That too. But also... Unlimited... Powerups!
---
*a few Zovil get GAK!'d; after wiping the goopey substance from their faces, Kai kills them*
Kai: Now for my BIG sword, which compensates for my small Japanese penis.
Chinpokomon guy: Such small penis...
Zovil: GAK!
Kai: I'm on fire!
*Kai is, in fact, burning alive*
Kai: AGGGH!!! Nii-chan, I though you said that lycra was flame retardant!
Makito: No, I said Edmund, who wears flaming gay lcyra, is retarded. Sorry!
*Kai flails around, which coincidentally makes him look like a Phoenix; he charges the remaining Zovil, who were Islamic suicide bombers before contracting the T-virus -- their C4 blows up instantly*
Ozu-tachi: Sugoi!
Kai: Ego babble.
Wolzard: You're still screwed. Barikion!
*a black mecha-horse comes out of the ground*
Barikion: NEIGH! Oh, look at Urara-chan. Man I could really go for some farm porn with he--
Wolzard: Enough! She's crosseyed!
Barikion: That's a turnoff.
Wolzard: Wolkentauros! ph33r m3h bitches!
*joins with his horse... you have a dirty mind*
Ozu-tachi: Yup, we're fucked.
Urara: So's the horse, apparently.
*Ozu-tachi ph33rs Wolzard at Ludicrous speed*
Goddam Mandrake Plant: Repeat after me: "Satan is good. Satan is your friend."
*closing theme rolls, music that could gag a maggot*
Goddam Mandrake Plant: Stage 02! MagiMother dies. Glad I ruined it for you all assholes! De goozarimasu desu!
Sexy-voiced Japanese Bitch: Buy our products!
The usual drivel: Those of you who are not familiar with a fiver (http://www.fiveminute.net/) should be able to get this: Take your favorite show, cut down alot of the dialogue, and parody the hell out of it in a "script" format with some humorous blurbs in place of anything resembling a real story. Enjoy... OR BE DOOMED!
Mahou Sentai MagiRanger
Stage 01 Fiver
Creative Micromanager
Christopher "5erbigcheese" Brockner
Special Thanks
GreenNinja
M_M_M
*downtown... Kytokyo, I dunno; some little girl is buying a balloon*
Vendor: Pleeeease!
Little Japanese Girl: Thank you. And for Chrissakes, use English appropriately!
Balloon: Wait, isn't this supposed to be in Japane-- GAK!
Mysterious-Soccer-Person-Who-Is-Really-Kai: Oh! That balloon can talk. I must save it, no matter the cost!
----
*in hell, which looks alot like a Klingon courtroom*
Vancuria: Hello, Gruum!
Branken: Yeah, me and Gruum share a second cousin or something. It's only natural there's a family resemblance.
Vancuria: Yeah, except Gruum doesn't have ugly metal where his face should be. This is why I've always liked American make-up jobs better...
Branken: You'd get along well with Poweranimals. But need I remind you of Anubis Cruger?
Vancuria: Touche!
Branken: And how are you, Akasha?
Vancuria: I'm not THAT Queen of Vampires, you idiot!
Branken: Sorry, been reading alot of Anne Rice. The closest thing to porn down here.
Wolzard: This is going to get alot worse before it gets any better.
M_M_M
*opening credits*
Announcer: Magic! It's a sacred power! Magic! It's an adventure into the unknown! Magic! It's taking advantage of the Harry Potter craze to a new level for fun & profit...
...
...
Mostly profit.
...
...
Oh, yes, I know our actors this year are ugly, but they grow on you after awhile.
M_M_M
Goddam Mandrake Plant: Stage 01! The Morning of The Journey's Beginning! Magi Magi Majiro! ... De goozarimasu desu! ... I PWN YOUR SOUL!
Ozu Family: Good morning!
Makito: Straight from the produce area, it's my Aniki Salad!
Jap. Male Announcer-Type Judge: It's bursting with flavor!
Jap. Executive 40ish Female Judge: Mmm! The consistency is outstanding! What is that salty flavor?
Jap. Young Pop Idol-Type Judge: I think he used eel semen as a dressing!
All Judges: Mmm! Eel semen!
Houka: Urara-chan, pass me some of big brother's jizz dressing.
Urara: This isn't SPD. Those kind of jokes make us look like "one of THOSE families."
Tsubasa: I'm going to sit here and be the tough, unmovable, oft-belligerent stereotype. I'm in the same vein as Yukito and Houji. Nii-san, your salad sucks!
Makito: Domo!
Urara: Let's talk about love, which will lead us to a casual conversation about magic for some reason.
Houka: Do you believe in magic, in a young girl's heart...[/singing]
Tsubasa: Great. That's all we fucking need. Another singing Pink Ranger.
*Miyuki Ozu, aka MagiMother, enters*
Miyuki: Quiet! There's no such thing as magic! And you might wake the goddam Mandrake plant.
Tsubasa: How can we drag out this scene any longer... I've got it! How come Kai-san isn't here?
Miyuki: Kai-san is at soccer practice.
*Conner walks into the room*
Conner: Hi everyone, I'm home! *sits down* So, whatcha eatin'?
*everyone stares at Connor*
Conner: >.>
<.<
What, not even a new power-up for little brother?
*Miyuki slowly brings up a blowtorch and a pair of pliers from under the table*
Conner: Fine, fine, I'll leave!
*Conner leaves; Makito turns on the television*
TV Reporter: This is Asian reporter Trisha Takinawa reporting to you live downtown from the beautiful Asian city of Kytokyo on the lovely Asian continent of Japanasia. It appears that a Japanese high school student is scaling the side of a building to get back a little Asian girl's decidedly ASIAN balloon.
Tsubasa: That Asian foo is gonna git his yellow ass left.
Miyuki: I'll have none of that ghetto talk in my house!
*a group of skinny Japanese young men walk in sporting bad imitations of American street clothes*
Lead Japanese Hood: Wattsup, ma Japanigga?
Miyuki: Out! OUT! *furiously throws onigiri until the riff-raff leaves*
Makito: There's some Japanese proverb about smoke and idiots floating to the top. I just think this kid has been smoking dope.
Urara: Then it must be our Kai-chan!
*Kai walks in the door*
Kai: Hello, everyone! Did you hear about how I climbed the building to get back the little girl's balllon?!
Urara: But, if that guy on TV isn't you, who is it?
TV Reporter: Well, Tom and Dianne, it seems that we might have been mistaken. This is, according to new eyewitness reports, the SECOND incidence of a young man climbing to the top of a building to retrieve a ballon today. Unfortunately, this time the youth in question may not even be Asian. Our "Live at 5" chopper now brings you a clearer view of this NON-ASIAN moron.
*cut to a closeup of the moron in question, who is actually Bridge Carson; Bridge grabs the balloon and starts licking it*
Bridge: Mmm... Buttery!
Crowd Below: AGGGHHH! IT'S JEWZILLA! AGGGHHH---
*Tsubasa turns off the TV*
Tsubasa: This scene has gone on long enough.
------
*next shot, where the Ozu family is walking away from the scene of the balloon incident for some reason*
Kai: Weren't we just at home?
Tsubasa: The fiver took some poetic license. Anyway, because of what you did earlier, you... Wait, how do you say "suck balls" in Japanese again?
Makito: Mellon?
Kai: But that balloon, it was just so... Buttery!
Voice of Wolzard: Uzazare...
*a hideous troll appears from a rich purple seal of magic in the ground*
Edmund: HI??? IM HTE TROL??? I SUIT YOU DOWN???
Miyuki: AGGGHH!! RUN CHILDREN! IT'S TARDZILLA!!!
---
*still running; a little later*
Miyuki: Well, I guess it's THAT time again.
Houka: To believe in magic and become a courageous warrior?
Miyuki: Nope, to bring out y3k's SIRF. But first...
*takes out MagiPhone*
Miyuki: Heavenly Potter... Erm, Harry Saint, grant me the power of magic! Mahou Henshin, Magi Magi Majiro!
*Miyuki henshins up into MagiMother*
MagiMother: Edmund, you're BANNED! And not just the two day kind, either.
Edmund: I WIL EMALL PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES GEORGE W. BUSH??? SEE YU LATTER ASHOLES???
*Edmund disappears*
Hoji: Suupaa kuuru!
----
Miyuki: Okay, remember how I said magic was bullshit? I lied.
...
...
It's actually Mandrake plant shit.
Kai: Kaa-san, that monster you fought, was that a Hades Beast from Underground Hades Infershia?
Miyuki: No, he's an escapee from the "special class." But, Infershia is who you'll be fighting for the rest of the series. I will give you powers from the Heavenly Saints. I don't know why we call them saints. I don't even think they believe in Jesus.
Makito: Who do they believe in?
Tommy: Be at peace, My dear children. All will be revealed in time...
Urara: Who's that?
Makito: You're too young to remember "Zyuranger." That is Burai's counterpart. And Kou's. And Tsuruhime's... And Gorou... Jinnai for a time... He killed Asuka and got stuck in his suit. Poweranimals said so.
Houka: Was Tommy the nerd with the glasses? The comically hip black guy?
Makito: No, Nee-chan, he was the HAIRBAG!
Ozu-tachi: Ooooooooh!
Miyuki: Anyway, Magiro!
*black robes appear on the Ozu siblings, except Kai, whose turmoil over not being chosen will flesh out the rest of this episode*
Makito: Wow, we look like Satanists!
Miyuki: Now, I'm getting a text message from Commander Doggy Cruger. It says, "Hey baby, let's meet in the year 2020 at that little corner motel where we first... Oh, never mind that, there are footsoldiers attacking!
Ozu-tachi: Footsoldiers?
Miyuki: Yes. We call them Zovil. But the stupid Americans will probably call them Zombots, or Zomboids or something.
Urara: Yes, Power Rangers is rather repitive when it comes to naming grunt enemies.
Poweranimals: Your opinion doesn't count now. Sentai Snob!
---
*a little later, when the other siblings have left*
Kai: Kaa-san, why didn't I get the magic power?
Miyuki: The cave -- remember your failure at the cave! You are reckless.
Kai: I am not afraid.
Miyuki: You will be... You will be!
---
Houka: Oh, those things are grotesque.
*a flock of naked George Rodd bots stand before Ozu-tachi*
Makito: Yeah, good thing we're fighting those instead!
*points at Zovil*
Makito: Now, even though I'm a peace-loving hippy or something... It's henshin time!
*Ozu-tachi henshin up, and waste time with a role call that basically tells us things about their team identity we could have guessed from the opening credits*
Ozu-tachi: Snark! But, dry Asian snark. Tastes like Pocky!
Zovil: GAK! Oooh, Pocky!
Ozu-tachi: Sugoi!
Voice of Wolzard: Zazarezazare.
Ozu-tachi: Kuso!
Kai: Don't worry, everyone! I'll save you! I have no fe--
*sees Wolzard*
Kai: No feeling in my lower half, and that's not counting my penis, which has now jumped into my throat.
Wolzard: By the way you comport yourself, I can't imagine it's the first to have gotten caught in there.
---
*at the Ozu residence*
Miyuki: I feel THE EVIL!
Baskins: It's not time for that yet!
Miyuki: I feel Wolzard, then?
Baskins: Much better!
---
Ozu-tachi: Blah, blah, blah, he's a magician. We're fucked!
Wolzard: Even your little brother can't save you.
Kai: Wait for it...
Wolzard: That stupid little bastard.
Kai: Not yet.
Wolzard: He sucks cocks for quarters.
Kai: Must resist....
Wolzard: In fact, if his mother gave head as good as he does, he wouldn't have been born.
Kai: Strong, Kai, strong!
Wolzard: This fucknuts chased a stupid ballon up a building.
Kai: YOU ASSHOLE! THAT BALLOON WAS BUTTERY!
*Kai comes out and catches Wolzard's weapon just as Wolzard is about to make Makito's scrotum a blade ornament*
Kai: AGGH! You cut off my hand.
Wolzard: This symbolism is just fueling the flames for those who believe I'm your... Oh, fuck it! Zovil, attack!
Tsubasa: What are you, fucking Zeltrax or something?
Wolzard: Nope, but I am doing Kelly.
---
*Kai gets a Magiphone, and henshins up*
Kai: Look, guys, I'm the Red One!
Tsubasa: Great, that's all we need. Another Shane.
Kai: Tsu-san, you idiot, I'm weaing red and I play soccer. Don't you know what this means?
Tsubasa: You can turn one of the Zovil into a soccerball and use it to defeat the other ones?
Kai: That too. But also... Unlimited... Powerups!
---
*a few Zovil get GAK!'d; after wiping the goopey substance from their faces, Kai kills them*
Kai: Now for my BIG sword, which compensates for my small Japanese penis.
Chinpokomon guy: Such small penis...
Zovil: GAK!
Kai: I'm on fire!
*Kai is, in fact, burning alive*
Kai: AGGGH!!! Nii-chan, I though you said that lycra was flame retardant!
Makito: No, I said Edmund, who wears flaming gay lcyra, is retarded. Sorry!
*Kai flails around, which coincidentally makes him look like a Phoenix; he charges the remaining Zovil, who were Islamic suicide bombers before contracting the T-virus -- their C4 blows up instantly*
Ozu-tachi: Sugoi!
Kai: Ego babble.
Wolzard: You're still screwed. Barikion!
*a black mecha-horse comes out of the ground*
Barikion: NEIGH! Oh, look at Urara-chan. Man I could really go for some farm porn with he--
Wolzard: Enough! She's crosseyed!
Barikion: That's a turnoff.
Wolzard: Wolkentauros! ph33r m3h bitches!
*joins with his horse... you have a dirty mind*
Ozu-tachi: Yup, we're fucked.
Urara: So's the horse, apparently.
*Ozu-tachi ph33rs Wolzard at Ludicrous speed*
Goddam Mandrake Plant: Repeat after me: "Satan is good. Satan is your friend."
*closing theme rolls, music that could gag a maggot*
Goddam Mandrake Plant: Stage 02! MagiMother dies. Glad I ruined it for you all assholes! De goozarimasu desu!
Sexy-voiced Japanese Bitch: Buy our products!