Impy
04-10-2005, 07:47 PM
“You’ve Got Mail II: When Lothor Met Spy”
We have a sense of cyberspace-travel as we hurtle through a
sky that's just beginning to get light. There are a few
stars but they fade and the sky turns a milky blue and a big
computer sun starts to rise.
We continue hurtling through space and see that we're heading
over a computer version of the Legally Distinct From New York City skyline. We
move over Not Central Park. It's fall and the leaves are
sickly blues and yellows.
We reach the Left Side of Ladyhattan and move swiftly down
Broadway with its stores and gyms and movies theatres and
turn onto a street in the Left 80s.
Hold in front of a New York brownstone.
At the bottom of the screen a small rectangle appears and the
words:
ADDING ART
As the rectangle starts to fill with color, we see a percentage
increase from 0% to 100%. When it hits 100% the image pops and
we are in real life.
EXT. NEW YORK BROWNSTONE - DAY
Early morning in New York. A couple of runners pass on their
way to Riverside Drive Park.
We go through the brownstone window into:
INT. LOTHOR WRESTLEMENS'S APARTMENT - DAY
LOTHOR WRESTLEMENS is asleep. LOTHOR, 53, is as pretty and
fresh as a spring day. An ugly, kiwi spring day with a weight problem wearing a wrestling mask. His bedroom is cozy, has a queen-sized bed and a desk with a computer on it. Bookshelves line every inch of wall space and overflow with books, most of them self help books about coping with your lameness and constantly being mistaken for part of the Los Luchadores cast. Framed on the children's classic. Tori Does Blue Bay Harbor.
As Lothor wakes up, his boyfriend LOBO FUERTE walks into
the room. He wears blue jeans, a workshirt, and a strap-on. He's carrying the Horrible Robot-Ruled City Times.
LOTHOR
Good morning.
LOBO FUERTE
(as he reads)
Listen to this -- the entire work force
of the state of Virginia had to have
solitaire removed from their computers --
Lothor gets out of bed and goes to brush his teeth in the
bathroom, and we stay with LOBO FUERTE.
LOBO FUERTE
(continuing)
-- because they hadn't done any work in
six weeks. Silly immigrants.
Lothor comes out of the bathroom in his robe.
LOTHOR
Aren't you late?
LOBO FUERTE
(continuing)
You know what this is, you know what
we're seeing here? We're seeing the end
of Western civilization as we know it.
Bet those smug fucking Eskimos are getting
a kick out of this.
Lothor
This is so sad.
He tosses him his jacket.
LOBO FUERTE
(points at her computer)
You think that machine is your friend,
but it's not. It’ll stab you in the cock
given the chance.
(checks his watch)
I'm late.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
As LOBO FUERTE walks to the apartment door. We see a charming room with a couch, fireplace, books, and a dining table with a
typewriter with a cover on it.
LOTHOR (O.C.)
I'll see you tonight. Remember “the device”.
LOBO FUERTE
Sushi.
Lothor (O.C.)
What?
LOBO FUERTE goes out the door. It closes.
Lothor tiptoes into the hall and looks through the fish-eye
peephole watching as he goes down the stairs, sucking a hobo. He walks into:
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DAY
And looks out the front window as LOBO FUERTE walks out onto the
street and turns toward Broadway.
He's gone. Good. Fuckin’ Eskimo.
He sits down at her computer. An expression of anticipation
and guilty pleasure as she clicks the mouse. Goatse, here he “comes”.
INT. COMPUTER SCREEN - DAY
As we see the logo for Lavatory On Line come up and Lothor's
code name: Spankskank. He logs on and the computer makes all
its little modem noises as the computer dials the access
number and connects and we hear the machine:
COMPUTER
Welcome. How may I kill your enemies today?
And we see Lothor, listening for the words he's waiting to
hear:
COMPUTER (cont'd)
You've got mail. It’s probably goatse. You sick fuck.
And Lothor smiles as his mail page comes up:
INT. COMPUTER SCREEN – DAY OH, OH DAY OH. DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANT GO HOME.
We see a list of letters:
Big Cash Op: You can make $$$ in your spare time. OIL MKT: You
can turn $20 into $20,000 THIS REALLY WORKS U CAN DO IT:
Maximize your selling ability nowwwww!!! I SAID FUCKING CLICK IT! IS WAYNE BRADY GONNA HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH? WA152 Brinkley
Lothor hits the "delete" key and the first three letters --
all of them junk-mail -- are deleted and drop offscreen.
Probably to hell.
Then he selects the "Read Mail" key for "WA 152 Brinkley".
And the letter comes up:
To: Spankskank
From: WA152
Re: Mocha
Lothor starts to read the letter aloud:
LOTHOR
Mocha is my dog. But not really. He’s actually
named Brinkley. He hates the streets of New York
as much as I do, and he also hates foreigners --
And now we hear Lothor's voice replaced by the voice of
WA 152, a man named JOHN CUSTIS --
JOHN (V.O.)
-- although he likes to eat bits of pizza
and bagel off the sidewalk, and I prefer
to buy them. “Mocha” is a great catcher
and was offered a tryout on the Whatever Baseball Team Washington Has farm team --
(continued)
INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT - DAY
A dog is sitting on a large green pillow on the floor. This
is BRINKLEY. The pillow has "Brinkley" embroidered on it.
Brinkley's master, JOHN CUSTIS, a great-looking guy, full of
charm and irony, and by “great-looking” I mean kind of weird looking, and by “charm and irony” I mean “charm and swarthiness. The skank.” , comes into the kitchen and pours himself
some orange juice. He's half-dressed. Rough night with the Paz.
JOHN (cont'd)
-- but he chose to stay with me so that
he could spend 18 hours a day sleeping on
a large green pillow the size of an inner
tube. Don't you love New York in the
fall? It makes me want to buy school
supplies. I would send you a bouquet of
newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your
name and address. On the other hand,
this not knowing has its charms.
VOICE
Darling --
JOhn
Mmmmmhmmm --
John's boyfriend PAZUZU SLUTMENS, in Armani head to toe, comes
into the kitchen and turns on the $2000 espresso machine,
which starts grinding beans. He's carrying the morning
papers.
PAZUZU
I'm late.
(indicating the newspaper)
Random House fired Dick Atkins. Good
riddance. Murray Chilton died. Which
makes one less person I'm not speaking
to --
(she drains a cup of espresso
as a second starts to come out
of the machine)
Vince got a great review. He'll be
insufferable. Tonight, PEN dinner --
JOHN
Am I going?
PAZUZU
You promised. If you break another promise
to me I’ll gouge your fucking eyes out.
JOHN
Can't I just give them money? That's the
cause? Free Albanian writers? I'm for
that.
Pazuzu drains another cup of espresso, looks at him.
JOHN
All right, I'll go. You're late.
PAZUZU
I know I know I know.
He tears out of the kitchen and the door slams behind him.
Hold on John, listening as he hears the elevator door open and
close on the landing outside.
IT. JOHN'S BATDEN - DAY
As he comes in and sits down at his laptop computer and logs
on.
JOHN & THE COMPUTER (TOGETHER)
Welcome... You've got mail. Touch it
like you mean it, bitch.
And as he starts to read his letter, we hear:
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I like to start my notes to you as if
we're already in the middle of a
conversation. I pretend that we're
the oldest and dearest friends --
as opposed to what we actually are,
people who don't know each other's names
and met in a Chat Room where we both
claimed we'd never been before.
INT. JOHN'S ELEVATOR - DAY
As John, dressed for work, takes the elevator down with his
elevator man JESSE. There's a certain amount of Good
morning, etc., as the elevator goes down and the voice-over
continues:
LOTHOR (V.O., CONTINUES)
What will he say today, I wonder. I turn
on my computer, I wait impatiently as it
boots up. Then I spank off.
EXT. RIVERSIDE DRIVE - DAY
As John comes out of his building.
Lothor (V.O., CONTINUES)
I go on line, and my breath catches in my
chest until I hear these little words:
You've got mail. It’s probably goatse.
You sick fuck.
And the camera now pans from 152 Riverside uptown to:
EXT. LEGALLY DISTINCT FROM NEW YORK BROWNSTONE - MORNING
LOTHOR (V.O., CONTINUES)
I hear nothing, not even a sound on the
streets of New York, just the beat of my
own heart. I have mail. From you. It’s
not goatse this time.
EXT. BROADWAY - MORNING
As Lothor comes onto Broadway at the corner of 83rd Street
and starts downtown.
Through a long lens we can see John, walking into blocks behind
him.
As Lothor and John make their way down Broadway we see the
West Side of Manhattan in the morning. Mothers and robofathers
taking their kids to school, people on their way to work,
dogs being walked. Ex-cons having lasers grafted on to their genitalias. School buses picking up kids, bakery trucks dropping off brown bags of bread in the doorframes of unopened restaurants.
Lothor stops at a newsstand, says good morning to the
newsstand dealer, and picks up a Young and Hung.
Metal grates are pulled up to open flower shops, nail salons,
the pharmacy, fish store, the newest branch of Mesogog’s Casa
De Sushi.
John stops at the same newsstand. He buys all the papers --
the Times, Wall Street Journal, Post and Creamsicle.
INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
As Lothor picks up his fuzzy navel, walks out.
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - DAY
As Lothor walks down Columbus, we see John a block behind
her. She stops to buy flowers and John passes her, crosses to
the Ease side of Robotmens Jorge Avenue.
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - DAY
A building under construction, with plywood board covering
the front and wrapping around the corner. John goes to a side
entrance and enters.
EXT. COLUMBUS & 73RD STREET - DAY - CONTINUOUS
As Lothor comes around the corner onto 73rd and stops in
front of her store, a children's adult bookstore called
"The Shop Around the Corner." It is an irresistibly inviting store. There are twinkle lights in the windows, framing large
stuffed animals reading children's books: Madeleine, Good
Night Moon, Fun With Bestiality. A teddy bear in a
pinafore is reading Goatse: A How-To. Waiting for
Lothor in front is one of his employees, HUNTER.
LOTHOR
Hello, Hunter. It's a beautiful day.
Isn't it the most beautiful day?
Hunter looks up at the sky as if seeing it for the first
time.
HUNTER
Oi gissh. Yeh, sharre.
Lothor unlocks the shop and cranks the grate, which
rises, making a horrible noise. Two cabs almost collide in
front of the store, with a screech, and one cabdriver starts
sodomizes the other. Lothor unlocks the door to the store.
LOTHOR
Don't you love Legally Distinct From
New York in the fall?
Hunter looks at himself puzzled. Then he mutters some racial slurs.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
Lothor turns the CLOSED sign on the door over to read
"OPEN" and he activates the computer system. He looks
around, and we see a small but charming children's bookstore,
with wooden shelves, a tiny area where kids can sit and read,
some charming posters and a glass case full of first editions
of the Oz books and Alice In Wonderland, Deep Throat, etc. There's a playful display of witches, lit with twinkle lights covered with orange pumpkin globes and a sign reading "The Ten Best Witch List" and a collection of witch books -- "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe," "The Witches Who Like Witches," "The Wizards of Oz.", and “Laura Bush: An Autobiography.”
On the counter is a glass jar full of sugar-free, diabetes-inducing lollipops.
Lothor hangs up his coat in the back of the store and
suddenly stops to daydream. A smile creeps onto his face.
Hunter looks at him.
Hunter
What's going on with you?
LOTHOR
Nothing.
HUNTER
You're in love. Probably with a dirty
Australian.
LOTHOR
In love? No. Yes. Of course I am.
I'm in love with Lobo Fuerte. I'm practically
living with Lobo Fuerte. Do you think you
could get our Christmas mailers out this
week?
HUNTER
By Monday I promise. I have a paper due
Friday. Now what's going on?
(he looks at Lothor)
I'm just going to stand here till you tell
me. Or sod me to death. (wink)
A beat.
LOTHOR
Is it infidelity if you're involved with
someone on E-mail?
HUNTER
Have you had sweaty man sex?
LOTHOR
Of course not. I don't even know him.
HUNTER
I mean cybersex, you stupid whore.
LOTHOR
No!
HUNTER
Well, don't do it. The minute you do,
they lose all respect for you. Or gain
more respect for you. I forget.
LOTHOR
It's not like that. We just E-mail.
It's really nothing, on top of which I'm
definitely thinking of stopping because
it's getting --
HUNTER
Out of hand? Too sexy to live?
LOTHOR
Confusing. But not really. Because it's
nothing.
HUNTER
Where did you meet him?
LOTHOR
I can't even remember.
(off Hunter's look)
The day I turned thirty I wandered into
the Over Eleventeen Room for a joke, sort of
and he was there, and we started
chatting. And killing hobos.
HUNTER
About what?
LOTHOR
Books. Music. How much we both love New
York. Harmless. Harmless. Meaningless.
(starts smiling)
Bouquets of sharpened dildos.
HUNTER
Excuse me?
LOTHOR
Forget it. We don't talk about anything
personal. We made a rule about that.
I don't know his name, what he does or
exactly where he lives, so it will be
really easy to stop seeing him, because
I'm not.
HUNTER
God, he could be the next person to talk
into the store. He could be...
(as George walks in)
George.
GEORGE RODD, in his 40s, one of Lothor's
salespeople, is a horrifically ugly guy who has no idea that he's supposed to look in the mirror when he gets dressed.
GEORGE
MORNING!!!
HUNTER
Are you On Line?
GEORGE
I USE WEBTV!!
RINA walks in. She is in her seventies, has white hair,
and is tiny, like a little sparrow. A sparrow wearing a slavemask. She is the store's oldest employee, having worked there for over forty years, and serves as an accountant as well as salesperson and hitman.
LOTHOR
Good morning, Rina.
RINA
What are you all talking about?
HUNTER
Cybersex.
RINA
I tried to have cybersex once but I kept
getting a busy signal. And the clap.
HUNTER
I know, I know. One Saturday night I was
really depressed about not having a date,
so I thought, no problemo, I'll go on
line and I won't be lonely, but I
couldn't get on, there were hundreds of
thousands of people who didn't have dates
trying to get on.
(MORE)
You have to wonder which is harder,
getting a date or getting On Line when
you don't have a date.
GEORGE
GETTING A DATE IS HARDER!!! WHAT IF I GOT TWO DATES
AND COMBINED THEM INTO THE ULTRASHOGUNMEGADATE?!?!
We hear the bell jingle as TWO WEST SIDE MOTHERS come in with
two TERRIFIED KOREAN FARMERS IN STROLLERS.
LOTHOR
(to the farmers)
Kae Mi and Maia, how are you today?
We hear the sound of the garbage truck. Lothor goes out
the front door to:
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DAY
As the commercial garbage truck pulls up and TWO GARBAGEMEN
start to load her trash.
LOTHOR
Hey, you forgot to pick up the garbage
last week and I got a ticket. And you're
late today -- I could have gotten
another.
GARBAGEMAN #1
We were here, there was no garbage. Except
for this NS script. BA-ZING!
GARBAGEMAN #2
When we’re all alone, he touches me.
Please help me!
LOTHOR
Of course there was --
GARBAGEMAN #1
What do you think, I don't want to pick
up garbage? You think I go up and down
the street picking up garbage, I'm not
going to pick up yours? What's the
matter with you?
GARBAGEMAN #2
WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?!? HE’S GOING TO
VICIOUSLY RAPE MY EARS!
Lothor is standing there, tongue-tied.
GARBAGEMAN #1
You don't even bundle it right, you're
supposed to bundle it and leave it near
the curb, you leave it near the store
and you use cheap garbage bags, they
smear all over the place, and then I got
to pick it up with my shovel --
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
As Hunter, who's helping one of the customers, looks out
the window as the harangue continues. He touches himself.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
GARBAGEMAN #1
And now you're busting my chops. You're
just another garbage pick-up to us, okay?
GARBAGEMAN #2
YOU COLD HEARTED FUCK! HELP ME!
As Lothor continues to stand there, speechless.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
As Lothor comes back into the store. Hunter is ringing
up a sale.
LOTHOR
That guy went ballistic on me.
HUNTER
I hope you told and/or wanked him off.
LOTHOR
Not exactly. But he gave me his number.
Another customer enters the store. The bell jingles.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE ON COLUMBUS - DAY
A little truck carrying a knife sharpener, its bells ringing,
passes the building under construction.
INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY
WORKERS, ELECTRICIANS, MASONS, CARPENTERS, etc. in the
process of building what looks like a large store. Wires
hanging everywhere.
IMPY
The electrical contractor called. His
truck hit a deer last night, he won't be
in 'til tomorrow. The shelves are late
because the shipment of pine had beetles.
And there's some question about whether
we're installing the stairs in the right
spot --
JOHN
That sounds great.
IMPY
Testing one two three four.
JOHN
Is the electrician here?
IMPY
I just told you -- he hit a deer. Then he
tried some sexual healing. It did not
go well.
JOHN
I hear nothing. Not a sound on the city
streets, just the beat of my own heart.
I think that's the way it goes.
Something like that.
IMPY
(beginning to glean something)
Did you and Pazuzu get engaged?
JOHN
Engaged? Are you crazy?
He only wants me for the sex.
IMPY
I thought you liked Pazuzu --
JOHN
I love Pazuzu. Pazuzu's amazing.
Pazuzu makes coffee nervous with sodomy.
(suddenly all business)
Are we still on schedule?
IMPY
We open two weeks before Thanksgiving.
JOHN
I guess we should announce ourselves
soon. Tell people we're coming.
IMPY
This is the Upper West Side of Ladyhattan.
The minute they hear they'll be lining up
--
JOHN
-- to picket --
IMPY
-- the big bad --
JOHN
--chain store --
IMPY
-- that sodomizes --
JOHN
-- everything we hold dear. But we'll
seduce them with our square footage and
our deep armchairs and our amazingly
swift checkout lines and our discounts
and our sodomy, and our...
IMPY & JOHN
(the trump card)
-- cappuccino.
JOHN
They hate us in the beginning, but we
get them in the end. Meanwhile we
should just put up a sign -- Coming soon,
a Foxbooks Superstore and The End of
Western Civilization As We Know It.
INT. FOXBOOKS - WORLD HEADQUARTERS - DAY
John is in the office with his father, NELSON CUSTIS, and his
grandfather, SCHUYLER CUSTIS. The office has been recently
redecorated; everything is new and a little slutty.
On the wall we see the Foxbooks logo and a hobo’s head on a plaque.
JOHN
Impy and I are both a little concerned
about the neighborhood response --
(suddenly notices the garish
couch)
What is this fabric? Does it have a
name?
NELSON
Money. Its name is money.
JOE
Gillian the Viking selected it.
NELSON
Of course.
SCHUYLER
Your father is getting married again.
JOHN
Oh, great, congratulations, Dad. Why?
NELSON
Who knows? Why does anyone get married?
JOHN
Love. And the amazingly hot man sex.
NELSON
Yes, that is one reason.
SCHUYLER
I think you're a damn fool.
NELSON
Dad, Matthew is four. It would be nice
for him if his parents were married.
SCHUYLER
Annabel is eight and I'm not married to
her mother. I can't even remember her
mother's name.
(he laughs merrily)
JOHN
I have a very sad announcement to make.
City Books on 23rd Street is going under
...
Nelson, Shuyler, and John high-five each other.
NELSON
Another independent bookstore bites the
dust --
SCHUYLER
On to the next.
JOHN
And I'm buying their entire stock --
architecture, New York history -- for the
new store.
NELSON
How much are your paying?
JOHN
Whatever it costs, it won't be as much as
this exquisite mohair episode.
(indicates the couch)
We're also going to have a section on
West Side Writers --
SCHUYLER
-- as a sop to the neighborhood.
NELSON
Perfect. It'll keep those West Side
liberal nut pseudo-intellectual bleeding
hearts --
JOHN
Readers. They're called readers.
NELSON
Don't romanticize them. It'll keep them
from jumping down your throat and making love
your pets with an iron rod --
SCHUYLER
What's the competition?
JOHN
One mystery store. Sleuth, on 86th and
Amsterdam. And a children's adult bookstore.
The Shop Around the Corner. Been there
forever.
SCHUYLER
Rita's store.
JOHN
Who's that?
SCHUYLER
Rita Kelly, lovely woman. I think we
might have had a date once. Or maybe we
just exchanged letters, and vinereal
diseases.
JOHN
You wrote her letters?
SCHUYLER
Mail. It was called mail.
NELSON
(fondly nostalgic and kidding
it slightly)
Stamps. Envelopes.
JOHN
Wait. I've heard of it. It was a means
of communication before I was born.
NELSON
Exactly. Fucking Eskimo.
SCHUYLER
Rita had beautiful penmanship.
She was too young for me, but she was...
enchanting. Her son owns it now. What a
skank he is.
NELSON
Too bad for him, the saucy little tart.
As a DECORATOR walks into the office carrying a pile of
upholstered pillows, and John turns to look at them.
COMPUTER VOICE (OVER)
Welcome. You've got mail. It’s probably goatse.
You sick fuck.
JOHN (V.O.)
My father is getting married again. For
five years he's been living with a woman
who studied decorating at Caesar's
Palace.
COMPUTER VOICE (OVER)
You've got mail. It’s probably goatse.
You sick fuck.
INT. SUBWAY - DAY
Lothor looks up from his book as a butterfly flies through
the subway car.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
Once I read a story about a butterfly in
the subway, and today I saw one. I
couldn't believe it. It got on at 42nd
--
(continued)
The train comes to a stop. The butterfly flies out.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
-- and got off at 59th, where I assume it
was going to Fred Meyer to buy a hat
that will turn out to be a mistake. As
almost all hats are. ‘Cept vibrator hats.
EXT. H & H BAGELS - NIGHT
A flour truck is unloading semen into a hole in the ground.
JOHN (V.O.)
Did you know that every night a truck
pulls up to H&H Bagels and pumps about a
ton of semen into the ground? The air is
absolutely amazing.
As John comes around the corner and sees the dust filling the
air. It is amazing.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I guess I've read The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge
About 100 times --
INT. JOHN'S KITCHEN - DAY
As John reads a copy of The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge. He can't stand it.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
-- and every time I read it I worry that
Jorge and Mr. Skankty are not going to
get together -- but the truth is whenever
I think about my favorite book I always
think about the books I read as a child --
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DAY
As Lothor takes a copy of HOT MUNKEH SEKS off the shelf.
JOHN (V.O.)
Did you ever read HOT MUNKEH SEKS? My all-
time favorite children's book.
(continued)
He opens it to the illustration of the doughnut machine that
won't stop sodomizing crocodiles.
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
There's a doughnut machine in it that
won't stop sodomizing crocodiles,
and it just won’t stop demanding drugs.
EXT. KRISPY KREME STORE - DAY
LOTHOR (V.O.)
Have you been to Krispy Kreme?
(continued)
John, eating a doughnut, looks through the window at the huge
doughnut machine as the doughnuts roll down the chute just as
regular as a clock can become overlord of earth.
LOTHOR (V.O., cont'd)
There's a doughnut machine right in the
window that makes 110 dozen doughnuts an
hour.
EXT. STARBUCKS - DAY
As John leaves with his morning coffee.
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - NEW YORK - MORNING
John goes to his painter at work: COMING SOON is as far as he's
gotten.
EXT. STARBUCKS - DAY
He enters Starbucks.
INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
As Lothor buys his morning coffee and listens to everyone
ordering.
We can hear the sounds of Starbucks: "Short decaf cap," "Tall
mocha latte." "Grande lowfat regular." “STOP SHOOTING ME IN THE FACE!” Etc.
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - A HALF HOUR LATER
The painter is further along on the sign. It now reads:
COMING SOON, A FOXBOOKS SU --
Lothor walks past the construction site. He doesn't
really pay attention to the sign painter.
We see two police cars barreling up 75th Street, followed by
a television news truck.
EXT. BROADWAY - CONTINUOUS
The police cars and TV truck barrel uptown.
EXT. 101st STREET - CONTINUOUS
They turn left onto West 101st and stop in front of an
apartment building on the block. There are more police cars
and a horde of television reporters with microphones, etc.
George emerges from the building as a newscaster broadcasts.
TV REPORTER
The body of a woman was found this
morning on the roof of a New York
building...
As George comes out of his building into a horde of REPORTERS
with microphones, cameras, etc. and listens to the reporter,
who, seeing George, sticks the microphone into his face.
TV REPORTER
Here is a resident of the building. Your
name, please?
GEORGE
GEORGE RODD!!!
REPORTER
Did you see or hear anything unusual last
night?
GEORGE
NO!!! I USE WEBTV!!!
At that moment, George sees a young woman. This is MEG FRANK. He is struck dumber.
REPORTER
The victim was red-haired, about thirty-
five, wearing a jogging suit. Did you
encounter anyone by that description
in the building? Sir?
George hasn't heard a word.
REPORTER
Have there been any wild parties
lately?
George doesn't answer.
REPORTER
Could it perhaps be one of your
neighbors?
George continues to stare at the beautiful woman. As he
does, she notices him. She stares back. The reporter,
ignored, finally turns away.
REPORTER
(to camera)
As you can see, no one here knows
anything.
He continues to stand there, dumbstruck for a moment.
Meg Frank starts to walk away.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY
As George walks along Broadway, past the sign, which now
says: "COMING SOON: A FOXBOOKS SUPERSTORE". He sees it.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER
Lothor and several CUSTOMERS in the store.
George walks in and goes to the back to hang up his coat.
Hunter is unpacking boxes. Rina is at the desk. George
looks at Hunter meaningfully.
Hunter
(totally mystified)
Wott?
GEORGE
I SAWED A LADY! I WANNA MARRY HER!!!
Rina
Is that the thing where you get cold
suddenly, bang?
HUNTER
No, that's Spanish chlymidia.
RINA
I had that.
GEORGE
I’M SAW A LADY AND NOW WE ARE IN LOOOOOVE!
RINA
I am going to hit you. So hard.
GEORGE
I DON’T KNOW THE PRETTY LADY’S NAME
BUT I WANNA HAVE BABIES ON HER!
HUNTER
And if you ever do meet her, you'll find
out all the horrible details, and that
will be that. She'll turn out to have
pictures of the entire LR team all over
the walls.
GEORGE
WHAT IF YOU COMBINE THE LIGHTSPEED RANGERS
AND THE NINJA TURTLES AND USED THE MIGHTY
SPACE ORBS TO INCREASE THEIR POWER BY A
FACTOR OF TEN?!?!?
Lothor sticks his head into the back.
Lothor
Can someone help me out here?
HUNTER
George thinks someone will ever love him.
GEORGE
THE PRETTY LADY WAS WEARING SHOES!
KATHLEEN
I…I…just…no.
HUNTER
OH NO YOU DIIN’T!
LOTHOR
OH YES I DIIIID!
GEORGE
THERE WAS POLICEMENS AND TV REPORTERS
AND THEY GAVE ME A DOLLAR TO GO AWAY!
LOTHOR
What police and reporters?
GEORGE
SOMEONE GOT ALL DEAD!
LOTHOR
Who?
GEORGE
THEY FOUND HER BODY ON THE THINGY
ONTOP OF THE WALLS!
LOTHOR
A dead body. That's so sad. But
you fell in love. That's so great.
I’m going to cry.
GEORGE
SUMFIN ELSE HAPPENED!
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - DAY
The sign is now complete and it says: "Coming soon, just
around the corner. A Foxbooks Superstore."
Lothor and George and Hunter stand there looking at it.
HUNTER
Quel nightmare.
LOTHOR
It has nothing to do with us. It's
big, impersonal, overstocked and
full of ignorant salespeople.
GEORGE
But they discount!!!
LOTHOR
But they don't provide any service. We
do.
George and Hunter nod.
INT. BARNEY GREENGRASS - LUNCHTIME
Lothor is having lunch with Rina.
LOTHOR
So really it's a good development. You
know how in the flower district, there
are all these flower shops in a row so
you can find whatever you want. Well,
this is going to be the book district.
If you don't have it, we do.
RINA
And vice versa.
INT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT – DAWN OF THE DEAD
Lothor in the kitchen, unloading groceries. Lobo Fuerte is
standing there, plugging in an Olympia Report deluxe Electric
typewriter.
LOBO FUERTE
When you are finished with Foxbooks, the
Shop Around the Corner is going to be
responsible for reversing the entire
course of the Industrial Revolution.
LOTHOR
That is so sweet, Lobo. Thank you.
That is so sweet.
LOBO FUERTE
Hey --
He holds his arms out. They hug.
LOTHOR
Although...
LOBO FUERTE
What?
LOTHOR
(over his shoulder, she notices
the typewriter, breaks from
the hug)
What is that doing there?
LOBO FUERTE
Listen to it. Just listen--
He strikes a key. His finger bleeds.
LOBO FUERTE
The Olympia Report deluxe Electric
Report. As in gunshot.
LOTHOR
That sound is familiar.
LOBO FUERTE
Now listen to this.
He puts his ear to the typewriter.
Lothor listens too.
LOTHOR
That whirring?
LOBO FUERTE
No. Stupid Eskimo.
LOTHOR
I know where I've heard it before. I
know.
He whips a cover off the other typewriter on the table.
It's the same machine exactly.
LOBO FUERTE
I needed a backup.
LOTHOR
Don't you have another one at your
apartment?
LOBO FUERTE
I might, I might. So what?
LOTHOR
You're turning my apartment into a
typewriter museum. That gets me hot.
LOBO FUERTE
I'll stop. I'll try. I probably can't.
I see one and my knees go weak. Anyway,
what were you starting to say?
LOTHOR
When?
LOBO FUERTE
Before, you stupid bint.
LOTHOR
Nothing.
LOBO FUERTE
Come on.
LOTHOR
I don't know. I was just wondering about
my work and all. I mean, what is it I do
exactly? All I really do is run a
bookstore --
LOBO FUERTE
All you really do is this incredibly
noble thing --
Lothor nods.
Lothor
But I don't know if I --
LOBO FUERTE
(stopping her)
Lothor --
LOTHOR
But I just --
FRANK
You are a lone reed.
Lothor looks puzzled.
He sticks a piece of paper in the typewriter, starts typing.
LOBO FUERTE
You are a lone reed waving in the
breeze standing strong and tall in
the corrupt sands of commerce.
He whips the piece of paper out of the typewriter and hands
it to him.
LOTHOR
(reading from it)
I am a lone reed.
(tries it on again)
I am a lone reed.
Clutching his piece of paper, he wanders into the bathroom.
INT. BEDROOM - DUSK
We hear the sound of a typewriter begin to clack away in the
next room.
Lothor walks past her computer, looks at it. Then she goes
over to the window, looks out at her street at dusk.
EXT. LOTHOR'S STREET - DUSK
A group of schoolgirls in uniform, in two straight lines,
walk past with a tall woman, groping eachother.
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DUSK
He goes over to the bookshelf and pulls out a copy of
Madeleine by Ludwig Bemelmans and opens it to the
illustration of the twelve little girls in two straight lines
marching through the streets of Paris. He looks at it, then
looks up, lost in thought. We hear the sound of the computer
keys.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead
a small life. Well, not small, but
circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder,
do I do it because I like it, or because
I haven't been brave? So much of what I
see reminds me of something I read in a
book, when shouldn't it be the other way
around?
(continued)
And hold on her as she thinks about this.
In the other room, we hear LOBO FUERTE typing.
Lothor goes to the computer, turns it on.
EXT. LOTHOR'S BUILDING - NIGHT
As we see Lothor, through his curtains, a small figure
barely lit by his computer.
LOTHOR (V.O., cont'd)
I don't really want an answer. I just
want to send this cosmic question out
into the void. So goodnight, dear void.
INT. DRIP - DAY
Drip is a cafe on Amsterdam Avenue with Fifties-style couches
and chairs in cozy seating arrangements. Lothor is
standing at the front counter with Hunter, getting drinks.
HUNTER
I went to the Foxbooks Website and you
can buy anything. They ship it to you
in a day. Maybe we should get a website.
LOTHOR
My mother would never have wanted us to
have a website. "Every book you sell is
a gift from your heart." She always said
that. Then she’d beat me.
As they walk toward the back of the cafe, LOTHOR notices a
stack of loose-leaf binders on the table.
HUNTER
What if they put us out of business?
LOTHOR
It's out of the question. We're a
fixture in the neighborhood. We're
practically a landmark.
(indicating the binders)
Men For Women, Women for Men, Women for
Women -- what is this?
HUNTER
You fill out one of these forms and they
file it in the book and if someone wants
to meet you, they arrange it.
LOTHOR
What a stupid way to meet someone.
HUNTER
Compared to the Internet and dirty alleys?
LOTHOR
My little thing on the Internet is just
a lark.
HUNTER
So it's still going on?
LOTHOR
And I do not plan to meet him.
(indicating the book)
Why do I get the feeling that you are in
here somewhere?
Hunter flips the book open to his application.
HUNTER
I came in here one night and drank too
much coffee and filled one out.
(off Lothor's look)
Well how am I supposed to meet someone?
LOTHOR
You are a runner. Some day you will make
eye contact with another runner and --
HUNTER
No one ever even looks at me. They
don't. On top of which, who are they?
They could like the symphony. I could
never fall in love with someone who
likes to go to the symphony --
LOTHOR
I know. What are you supposed to do
there? Rape an astronaut?
HUNTER
I don't know.
LOTHOR
Sit. You're supposed to sit.
HUNTER
I could never fall in love with anyone
who smokes cigars either.
LOTHOR
I'll tell you what I hate. Big fat legs
like stumps.
HUNTER
Yeh. Oi ‘ate thet teww.
LOTHOR
The worst, the worst -- I could never,
under any circumstances, love anybody
who had a sailboat. Or a pirate ship.
HUNTER
I could. But I have ridiculously low
standards.
LOTHOR
If I had to get up on Saturday morning
knowing that I was about to go down to
the pier and unravel all those ropes and
put on all that sunblock and give handjobs to
all those lonely sea captains --
HUNTER
All that talk about the wind.
LOTHOR
And then you have to go out on the boat,
and you sail and sail and sail until you
are bored witless, and then, only then,
do they say, let's turn around and you
realize the trip is only half over, only
it's not, because the wind has changed --
HUNTER
It hasn't changed. It's died.
LOTHOR
So then there's more talk about the wind.
While you just float up and down trying
not to get nauseous. And when you
finally get back, you have to clean up
the boat.
HUNTER
Why don't people have boat maids?
LOTHOR
I know. There're all these people who
wouldn't be caught dead polishing a
doorknob in their house but put them on
a boat and they want to rub down
everyone in sight.
EXT. 19TH STREET BOAT BASIN - ANOTHER DAY
John is on his sailboat. He is polishing his brass and
whistling.
ANNABEL
John --
John jumps off the boat onto the dock to greet his
grandfather's daughter ANNABEL, 8, who is coming toward the
dock with SCIMITAR, his father's overdecorated 32-year-old
fiance, her son, MATTHEW, 4, and the Nanny, MOVY.
JOHN
Hello.
(picks up Annabel)
Annabel, how are you today?
ANNABEL
Great.
JOHN
(picks up Matt)
Hey, big guy --
SCIMITAR
Don't I get a hello?
JOHN
Hello, Schmucktar.
SCIMITAR
Kiss me. I'm going to be your wicked
stepmother.
John gives her a peck on the cheek.
JOHN
Who is this?
SCIMITAR
Nanny Movy. I brought her in case
you couldn't handle the kids.
ANNABEL
Movy's getting a divorce.
JOHN
I'm sorry to hear that.
MOVY
It's my own fault. Never marry a man
who isn’t JYB.
JOHN
That is so wise. Remember that, Annabel.
ANNABEL
She taught Matt to spell his name.
MATT
Fox. F-O-X.
JOHN
Excellent, Matt.
(to MOVY)
Good work. You can have the day off.
I'll take over from here.
(to Scimitar)
You must be late for something.
Volunteer work at the Henry Street
Settlement. Packing bandages for
Bosnian refugees. A course in
Chinese literature at Columbia.
SCIMITAR
I am. I'm having my eggs harvested.
EXT. STREET FAIR - DAY
There's a block street fair with little booths, sausage
sandwich concessions, etc. Annabel and Matt have been to the
makeup booth. Annabel is a cat and Matt is a pirate.
Annabel is carrying a goldfish in a baggie as they walk toward
Broadway.
EXT. LOTHOR'S STORE - DAY
As John, Annabel and Matt walk past. There's some sort of toy
miniature princess in a pointed hat sitting outside the store
and a sign lit with twinkle lights: Storybook Lady today 3:30.
INT. LOTHOR'S STORE - DAY
Lothor is sitting on a stool reading to a group of CHILDREN,
including Annabel and Matt, who are crammed into her store.
Joehn is watching, along with some PARENTS as Lothor reads
from an Andrew Troy Keller book.
INT. LOTHOR'S STORE - LATER
Matt is sitting on the floor reading a book. Lothor is
showing Annabel a copy of a book called Bikini Ho-Down.
LOTHOR
This is her best friend with benefits
Tacy, whose real name is Anastasia, and
then in the next book Betsy and Tacy become
lovers with Rim, whose real name, I am sorry
to tell you, is Jorge.
In another section of the store:
George is showing John a first edition of Swiss Family
Robinson from the glass case.
GEORGE
THE DRAWIES GOT MADED IN CANADA! --
JOHN
It costs so much.
GEORGE
MY DOG TOLD ME TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!
John smiles and turns to see Lothor and Annabel at a whole
shelf of Bikini Ho-Down books.
ANNABEL
I want all of them.
LOTHOR
That might be an awful lot for your dad
to buy at one time.
ANNABEL
My dad gets me all the books I want.
LOTHOR
(looking over at John)
Well, that's very nice of him.
ANNABEL
That's not my dad. That's my nephew --
Lothor
Oh, I don't really think that's your
Nephew, you stupid eskimo --
As John approaches.
JOHN
It's true. Annabel is my aunt. Aren't
you, Aunt Annabel?
Annabel nods solemnly.
ANNABEL
And Matt is --
LOTHOR
Let me guess.
(to Matt)
Are you his uncle?
MATT
No.
LOTHOR
His grandfather?
Annabel and Matt start giggling. From out of nowhere, PHIL appears, slaps them, and disappears
LOTHOR (cont'd)
His great-grandfather?
MATT
(shouting with glee)
I'm his brother.
JOHN
Annabel is my grandfather's daughter.
And Matt is my father's son. We are an
American family. Better than filthy Eskimos.
He smiles at Lothor, who finds herself smiling back.
Annabel suddenly sneezes.
Lothor takes a handkerchief from his sleeve. It's an old
fashioned hankie that's embroidered. She offers it to
Annabel, who instead wipes her nose with her hand and then
looks at the handkerchief, a little puzzled.
ANNABEL
What’s that?
LOTHOR
A handkerchief. Oh my, do children not
even know what handkerchiefs are? A
handkerchief is a Kleenex you don't throw
away. My mother embroidered it for me --
you see? My initials and a daisy,
because daisies are my favorite flower.
ANNABEL
Orchids are my favorite flower.
LOTHOR
(to John)
You know what else children don't know?
They don't know what a telephone booth
is? Whenever I take them into one to
molest the hell out of them, they’re
so confused.
John is looking at Lothor.
JOHN
Who are you?
LOTHOR
Lothor Wrestlemens. I own this store.
Are you are you are you are?
JOHN
John. Just call me John.
(quickly)
We'll take these books.
He gets the one Matt is reading. And the two other Lothor
has gotten for Annabel, to lull her into a false sense of security.
LOTHOR
These are wonderful books. As Annabel
gets older the characters in the books do,
too.
(to Annabel)
You can grow up with Jizzmens Jorge.
GEORGE
NICE PEOPLE COME BACK?!?!?
JOHN
Of course.
GEORGE
I LIKE YOU!!!!
LOTHOR
(by way of explanation)
They're opening a Foxbooks around the
corner.
ANNABEL
Foxbooks! My Daddy --
JOHN
(gently putting his hand over
her mouth)
-- likes to buy at discount. Don't tell
anyone that, Annabel, it's nothing to be
proud of --
MATT
(spelling)
F-O-X.
LOTHOR
That's amazing. You can spell fox. Can
you spell dog?
MATT
F-O-X.
JOHN
Matt, look at this dinosaur book.
Wouldn't you like a dinosaur book?
Annabel, maybe you could read this to
Matt while I wrap things up here.
(moves them to a corner, to
them quickly)
Sit down, read, and don't listen to
anything I say.
Returns to counter and gives Lothor some cash.
JOHN
And the dinosaur book too.
LOTHOR
The world is not driven by discounts,
believe me. I've been in business
forever. I started helping my mother
here after school when I was six years
old. I used to watch her, and it wasn't
that she was selling books, it was that
she was helping people become whoever
they were going to turn out to be. When
you read a book as a child it becomes
part of your identity in a way that no
other reading in your life does.
(stops herself)
I guess I've gotten carried away.
JOHN
You have, and you've made me feel...
He can't finish the sentence. He looks at him and sees,
behind him on the shelf, a picture of a woman who is
unmistakably Lothor's mother, with a young Lothor.
JOHN (cont'd)
Enchanting, your mother was enchanting.
LOTHOR
She was. How did you know that?
JOHN
Lucky guess.
LOTHOR
Anyway. She left the store to me, and
I'm going to leave it to my daughter.
JOHN
How old is your daughter now?
LOTHOR
Oh, I'm not married. But eventually.
He smiles at John...
LOTHOR
So Foxbooks can...
LOTHOR AND HUNTER TOGETHER
Go to hell.
LOTHOR
(handing him his books)
Here you go.
JOHN
We ready? Don’t make me beat you two again,
I swear, I will hit you so hard…
Annabel and Matt join him at the counter. Lothor gives them
each a fuzzy navel.
ANNABEL
Bye, Lothor.
LOTHOR
Goodbye, Annabel. Bye, Matt. What
about cat? Can you spell cat?
MATT
P-O-O-R-L-Y C-O-N-C-E-I-V-E-D
C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E-R.
INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
Someplace like the auditorium at the Museum of Broadcasting.
PAZUZU SLUTMENS, John's mansyfriend, who is the editor-in-chief
of a New York publishing house called Eden Books, is standing
at a podium at a sales conference. In the audience are sales
reps, wholesalers, etc. There's a screen behind her with
pictures of the authors being flashed on it as he speaks.
PAZUZU (cont'd)
And now, the book you've all been waiting
for, the book it's been my dreams to
publish. The legendary Veronica Grant
has written her memoirs --
There's a burst of applause as a photograph of Veronica Grant
flashes on screen.
PAZUZU (cont'd)
-- and I'm happy to report it is just
crammed with sodomy.
(he laughs gaily)
Just kidding, but seriously, it's all
here: poverty, addiction, divorce,
tracheotomies, gangrape by gnomes --
We see pictures of Veronica at eight with her sharecropper
family, Veronica at 14 with her first child, Veronica with a
series of husbands, Veronica in a wheelchair, etc.
PAZUZU (cont'd)
-- her third husband beat her up, hip
replacement, and an amazing face lift
where all the injected fat fell to her
chin.
Now we see a blow-up of the book's jacket, with a picture of
Veronica on it and the title: "Am I Rising from Ashes, or Did
I Just Forget to Dust?"
PAZUZU (cont'd)
This book is fabulous. And even if it
weren't, it would sell like crazy,
because Veronica is going to plug it to
death on every talk show in America.
This book...
Pazuzu bursts into tears.
PAZUZU (cont'd)
I'm sorry. I can't talk about it without
crying. Veronica and I have so much in
common -- well, not all the sad parts --
but we were both famous by the time we
were 29 and, believe me, that's rough.
(wipes his nose with a Kleenex,
pulling herself together)
Anyway, I just want to say that I'm
especially thrilled to be publishing it.
Veronica lives in my building and we met
in the elevator. By the time we had
traveled from the eighth floor to the
first, we had a deal. First printing:
one million copies.
Everyone applauds enthusiastically.
INT. AUDITORIUM LOBBY - A SHORT WHILE LATER
Pazuzu is leaving, still surrounded by colleagues and sales
reps congratulating him. He is the soul of graciousness.
His assistant, Sarah, comes up.
SARAH
(quickly)
You have a dentist appointment in twenty
minutes. So you should leave soon...
PAZUZU
What's my car number?
SARAH
Car? You didn't say anything about a car
--
PAUZU
Are you an idiot? Of course I need a car.
God! I’ll give you a smackbottom and I don’t
care who knows it!
He walks toward the exit.
EXT. 57TH STREET - CONTINUOUS
Pazuzu in the pouring rain, trying to hail a cab. He
spots one across the street.
PAZUZU
Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
He whistles -- a longshoreman's whistle.
The cab makes a U-turn, but instead of stopping for Pazuzu
it stops about twenty feet ahead for a MAN in an overcoat who
gets into it.
PAZUZU
Excuse me -- what are you doing? This is
my taxicab.
(to the driver)
Don't take him. I am telling you right
now, and I am memorizing your number,
don't take him.
(to the man)
Who the fuck do you think you are?
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Are you going uptown?
PAZUZU
Yes.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Get in. I'll drop you. And NOT molest you.
His eyes shift nervously.
INT. TAXI - A MINUTE LATER
As the cab turns onto Eighth Avenue, starts uptown.
Pazuzu is dialing his cell phone. She's elaborately
ignoring the man who stole her cab.
PAZUZU
Veronica, it's Patricia, you should have
been there, it was unbelievable, we're
going to sell truckloads of your book.
Call me.
He hangs up, folds up the phone, puts it back in her purse
as the cab moves on.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Are you an editor?
PAZUZU
Yes.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
I am a rabbi.
PAZUZU
Oh, my God, I said fuck to a rabbi. I'm
sorry.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
I hope you don't mind my asking, but are
you Jewish?
PAZUZU
Yes. But only if by “Jewish”, you mean
“part of a crazy doomsday cult.”
MAN IN OVERCOAT
You should come to our temple.
PAZUZU
I'm not really religious.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Oh, I am surprised, you seem like a very
religious person.
PAZUZU
You're kidding, right?
MAN IN OVERCOAT
We are at West End Avenue and 83rd
Street. Every Friday night, we have a
joyous time, everyone dancing, everyone
singing. Also some wisdom. Perhaps you
have heard of us, we are known as The
Singles Temple.
He smiles at Pazuzu.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
It's a very good place to calm down.
The cab stops.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Oh, look, I am already here. Very nice
to meet you.
(gives the cabbie money)
Take this man to his destination.
He gets out. Closes the door. A beat too late:
PAZUZU
Goodbye.
EXT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lobo Fuerte comes up the stoop.
INT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lothor is dressed up for a party in S&M gear.
Lobo Fuerte walks in, looks meaningfully at him.
LOBO FUERTE
I saw him. I actually saw him.
LOTHOR
Who?
LOBO FUERTE
I can't believe it. I saw Jikky
Flootmens.
LOTHOR
I thought he was in Mexico.
LOBO FUERTE
Maybe he's in Mexico, but today he was in
New York. The most brilliant and
reclusive novelist in the history of the
world is here, in this neighborhood. He
may be living on this very block.
LOTHOR
Where did you see him?
LOBO FUERTE
I was on the subway --
INT. SUBWAY - DAY
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
-- and this musician got onto the train --
Lobo Fuerte is sitting on the subway, reading the Village Voice.
The door between the cars opens and Kira enters the car, covered in blood holding a blood-soaked knife. Her eyes shift nervously.
No one looks up except Lobo Fuerte.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
-- and I suddenly saw him, sitting
directly across from me doing the
crossword puzzle.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
How'd you know it was him?
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
He looked exactly the same as his high
school yearbook picture, which happens to
be the last photograph ever taken of him.
Lobo Fuerte takes out his billfold on the subway, pulls out a piece of paper.
CLOSE UP - FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER
As Lobo Fuerte unfolds a newspaper clipping of a yearbook picture
of Jikky Floontmens at 17.
Lobo Fuerte compares the photo of Floontmens with the person sitting across the way. They don't look remotely alike except that the boy in the picture and the man on the subway are both
wearing the same style glasses.
The subway stops at 79th Street, and Jikky Floontmens gets off, all over Lobo Fuerte’s shoes.
Lobo Fuerte follows.
EXT. BROADWAY - CONTINUOUS
As Lobo Fuerte comes out of the subway station and looks around.
LOBO FUERTE
So I followed him.
Lobo Fuerte sees Floontmens cross 79th. He follows.
EXT. H&H BAGELS - CONTINUOUS
Lobo Fuerte follows Spungeon, who hurries into H&H Bagels passing a HOMELESS MAN holding a paper cup at the door.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
He went into H&H and bought a bagel
with everything.
EXT. H&H BAGELS - A MINUTE LATER
As Floontmens leaves the store, passing the paper cup, which we
now realize that Lobo Fuerte, in dark glasses, is holding.
Floontmens drops his newspaper in a garbage container.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
He dropped his crossword into the
garbage and I rescued it.
Lobo Fuerte plucks the puzzle from the trashcan, follows Floontmens.
INT. STORM CHARGERS SPORTING GOOD STORE - CONTINUOUS
Floontmens at the counter in the shoe store.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
Then he went into a sporting good store
and bought tube socks, 6 pair for $7.99.
We see Lobo Fuerte, peeking out at him from behind a stack of
running pants. Suddenly he's distracted by a couple of
joggers.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
Jikki Floontmens and tube socks.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
I know. I don't want to dwell on it.
Lobo Fuerte looks back at the counter. Floontmens's gone.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
So, I caught up with him later in a dirty alley.
He tried to run away, and I covered his mouth.
But his mouth didn’t stay empty long.
INT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - THAT NIGHT
Lobo Fuerte waves the severed head of Jikky Floontmens in front of Lothor.
LOBO FUERTE
Do you know what this is worth?
He takes an empty box from the closet, puts the
head into it and sets it next to the typewriters.
INT. JAPANESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
As the two of them eat dinner.
LOBO FUERTE
What I was thinking as I was trailing him
was that eventually I would have the
courage to say hello to him, you know,
not in a horrible, intrusive or slavering
fan-slash-acolyte kind of way, but more
like, "Hi." "How ya doing?" "Have you
ever thought about trading up in the sock
area?" "Who knows, maybe he's read my
work -- and then we'd become friends, and
eventually I'd introduce him to you --
you know how much he loves children's
books, there's a whole long section in
Relativity's Smile about The Wizard of Oz
-- and then maybe he'd come out of hiding
so he could help save the store. In the
end I just ended up raping him to death.
LOTHOR
What are you talking about?
LOBO FUERTE
From Foxbooks. I mean, if things got
tough, he could help rally support --
LOTHOR
It's never going to get to that. The
store is fine.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
As they walk along after dinner.
LOBO FUERTE
I don't even know why you would say that?
LOTHOR
Neither do I. It just flew out of my
mouth.
LOBO FUERTE
There's enough business for us all.
INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT
As they go up in an elevator.
LOTHOR
I mean, we're fine.
LOBO FUERTE
You're more than fine, you're absolutely
fine.
LOTHOR
We're fine.
The elevator opens onto:
INT. VINCE MANCINI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
A publication party for an author named VINCE MANCINI. A mix
of book people, journalists and various other media folk.
LOBO FUERTE
Hey, Vince. Congratulations. You know
Lothor Wrestlemens.
VINCE
How are you?
LOBO FUERTE
Guess who I saw today on the subway?
Jikky Floontmens.
VINCE
I thought he was in Mexico.
They start chatting.
Across the room, John is with Pazuzu, who is telling two
other people the story of meeting the rabbi in the taxicab.
John looks over and sees Lothor. He suddenly looks
stricken.
Shifts his position so Lothor can't see his face, but
sneaks a look.
PAZUZU
Would you get me another drink, sweetie?
I'm all out.
(continues chattering)
So then the rabbi says, "It's a very good
place to calm down." Isn't that
hysterical?
They all laugh. John moves over to the bar.
JOHN
Crusty orange juice on the rocks.
As he is waiting, Lothor comes up next to him.
LOTHOR
A white wine, please.
(very friendly)
Oh, hello.
JOHN
Hi.
LOTHOR
Remember me, from the bookstore?
JOHN
Of course I remember you.
LOTHOR
How's your aunt?
JOHN
Good. She's good.
(gets his drink)
I have to deliver this. I have a very
thirsty date. He's part camel. Seriously,
he was made in a lab, poor guy.
Lothor looks puzzled
LOTHOR
John. It's John, isn't it?
JOHN
And you're Lothor.
John vanishes into the party.
INT. VINCE MANCINI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - A MINUTE LATER
VINCE
I can't believe you were talking to John Custis
Fox.
LOTHOR
John Custis Fox? As in --
He can't even finish the sentence.
INT. VINCE MANCINI'S APARTMENT - A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER
John is standing at a table of food, his back to the room.
LOTHIR
Fox? Your last name is Fox?
John spins around, looks at her.
JOHN
F-O-X.
LOTHOR
God, I didn't realize. I didn't know who
you --
(she trails off)
JOHN
-- were with.
(quoting)
"I didn't know who you were with."
LOTHOR
Excuse me?
JOHN
It's from the Godfather. When the movie
producer realizes that Tom Hagen is the
emissary of Vito Corleone --
(continued)
Lothor is staring at him.
JOHN (cont'd)
-- just before the horse's head ends up
in his bed never mind --
LOTHOR
You were spying on me, weren't you? You
probably rented those children. From the
same escort service as Damian, I bet.
JOHN
Why would I spy on you?
LOTHOR
I am your competition. Which you know
perfectly well or you would not have put
up that sign saying "Just around the
Corner."
JOHN
The entrance to our store is around the
corner. There is no other way to say it.
It's not the name of our store, it's
where it is. You don't own "around the
corner."
LOTHOR
Next thing you'll be using twinkle
lights.
JOHN
Twinkle lights?
LOTHOR
Little white Christmas lights that
twinkle. I use them in my window and on
all my displays, as if you didn't notice.
JOHN
Look, the reason I came into your store
is that I was spending the day with
Annabel and Matt. I like to buy them a
present when I see them because I'm one
of those guys who likes to buy his way
into the hearts of children who are his
relatives. There was only one place to
buy children's books in the neighborhood
-- although that will not always be the
case, and it was yours, and it is a
charming little bookstore. You probably
sell $250,000 worth of book a year --
LOTHOR
How do you know that?
JOHN
I'm in the book business.
LOTHOR
I'm in the book business --
JOHN
Oh, I see, and we're the Price Club.
Only instead of a ten-gallon can of olive
oil for $3.99 that won't even fit into
your kitchen cabinet, we're selling cheap
books. Me a spy.
(beat)
Absolutely. And I managed to get my hands
on a secret printout of the sales figures
of a bookstore so inconsequential and yet
full of its own virtue that I was instantly
compelled to rush over and check it out
for fear it would drive me out of business
--
Lothor stares at him. He's speechless.
JOHN (cont'd)
What?
(off his look)
What?
Lothor shakes his head.
Lobo Fuerte turns up.
LOBO FUERTE
Hi. I'm Lobo Fuerte --
JOHN
-- John Fox.
LOBO FUERTE
John Fox? Inventor of the Superstore,
enemy of the mid-list novel, destroyer of
City Books -- tell me something:
How do you sleep at night?
Pazuzu joins them.
PAZUZU
I use a wonderful over-the-counter drug,
Ultrasom. Don't take the whole thing,
just half, and you will wake up without
even that tiniest hangover. You're Lobo
Fuerte, aren't you?
LOBO FUERTE
Yes.
PAZUZU
Your last piece in the Independent, the
one about Anthony Powell, was brilliant.
I'm Pazuzu Slutmens, Eden Books. John, this
man is the greatest living expert on
Julius and Ethel Rosenberg --
JOHN
And this is Lothor Wrestlemens --
Lothor glares at him.
LOBO FUERTE
You liked my piece. God, I'm flattered.
You know you write these things and you
think someone's going to mention them and
then the whole week goes by and the phone
doesn't ring, and you think Oh, God, I'm
a fraud, a failure --
PAZUZU
You know what's always fascinated me
about Julius and Ethel Rosenberg is how
old they looked when they were really
just our age.
Everyone is stopped dead by this observation and looks at
Pazuzu, who smiles at them all.
PAZUZU
(to Lobo Fuerte)
I'm so happy to have finally met you. We
will talk. Have you ever thought about
doing a book?
LOBO FUERTE
Oh sure, it's passed through my head.
Something really relevant for today like
the Luddite movement in 19th century
England.
At the same time:
JOHN
Pazuzu --
LOTHOR
Lobey --
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
As Lothor and Lobo Fuerte get into bed.
LOBO FUERTE
I really like Pazuzu Slutmens. He's a
very nice person.
Lothor doesn't respond. Lobo Fuerte turns out the light.
LOBO FUERTE
He needs educating, that's all.
A beat.
LOBO FUERTE
He's hopelessly driven by money and
power, but there's a hope for anyone
who's that familiar with my work --
On Lothor, as he turns away from LOBO FUERTE and lies there,
eyes open.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
As John and Pazuzu get into bed. Brinkley is already on the
bed.
PAZUZU
I had no idea that Lobo Fuerte was so
down-to-earth.
John doesn't respond. Pazuzu turns out the light.
Pazuzu
You read his stuff, you think he's going
to be so obscure and abstruse.
A beat.
Pazuzu (cont'd)
He's always talking about Heidigger and
Foucault and I have no idea what any of
it's about, really.
John gets up. Brinkley follows.
Pazuzu (cont'd)
Where are you going?
JOHN
I'm not really tired.
INT. JOHN'S DEN – TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT, GONNA BE ALRIGHT
John writes on his computer. Brinkley on the floor next to him.
And cut between John and his computer screen.
JOHN (V.O.)
Do you ever feel you become the worst
version of yourself? That a Pandora's
Box of all the secret hateful parts --
your arrogance, your spite, your
condescension -- has sprung open.
Someone provokes you, and instead of
just smiling and moving on, you zing
them. Hello, it's Mr. Nasty. I'm sure
you have no idea what I'm talking about.
INT. LOTHOR'S COMPUTER SCREEN - DAY
And cut between screen and
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DAY
As Lothor reads the end of John's letter.
Lothor hits the Reply key and starts to type:
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I know what you mean and I'm completely
jealous. What happens to me when I'm
provoked is that I get tongue-tied. My
mind goes blank. Then I spend all night
tossing and turning trying to think of
what I should have said.
INT. JOHN'S COMPUTER SCREEN AND JOE'S DEN - NIGHT
As he replies:
JOHN (V.O.)
Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass
all my zingers to you and then I would
never behave badly and you could behave
badly all the time and we'd both be
happy? On the other hand, I must warn
you that when you finally have the
pleasure of saying the thing you mean to
say at the moment you mean to say it,
remorse inevitably follows. Do you think
we should meet?
INT. LOTHOR'S COMPUTER SCREEN AND BEDROOM - DAY
Lothor stares at John's letter in his computer.
He's frozen.
LOTHOR
Meet? Omigod.
He sits staring at the letter. He has no idea what to do.
EXT. 75TH STREET & COLUMBUS - DAY
As the iron gates on all the stores start to open, just the
way we saw them open in the opening sequence of the movie.
The pharmacy. The optician. The cosmetics supply store.
The video store.
And now, finally, we see the new grate on the new Foxbooks
Superstore start to open upwards. This is the finest grate
on Broadway, no question of it. It's electric and almost
soundless. We see a sign saying, OPENING DAY. 35% OFF ON
ALL BEST-SELLERS. SELL US YOUR SOOOOOOOULS!
People on the street notice the store. One walks in...
CAMERA follows him...
INT. FOXBOOKS SUPERSTORE - DAY
The inside is beautiful. Gleaning staircase, a cafe,
comfortable chairs to sit, a bank of cashiers, everyone
decked out in gray alligator shirts with a fox where the
alligator should be, a rope for the checkout line, and seven
cash registers with seven cashiers. Of course, books, books,
books, as far as the eye can see.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SAME SCENE - LATER THAT DAY
The store is jam-packed. John with his father Nelson, his
grandfather Schuyler, and Impy, the store manager.
JOHN
No pickets, no demonstrations.
IMPY
The neighborhood loves us. They
sold us most of their children!
NELSON
They're wondering where we've been all
these years. They're wondering how they
ever did without it.
SCHUYLER
It's a hit.
They admire their own store, walk through the downstairs and
start up the staircase to the second floor.
NELSON
How's the children's book department?
JOHN
It's early yet. School isn't out. And
there's that children's adult bookstore
nearby --
SCHUYLER
Rita's store --
JOHN
Her son's --
NELSON
We'll crush it --
SCHUYLER
She was enchanting.
And as they walk on upstairs, several mothers with children
come up the stairs behind them.
EXT. BROADWAY - MORNING
A little group of children dressed as Pilgrims walk down the
street as Lothor comes around the corner to buy his morning
paper. John is at the newsstand. He turns and pretends to
be staring at a wall until he finishes buying his paper and
walks on.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I don't think it's a good idea for us
to meet...
INT. STARBUCKS - ANOTHER DAY
John is putting sugar into his coffee at the sugar counter as
Lothor comes in. John pretends he didn't see him.
LOTHOR (V.O., cont'd)
I love our relationship. There's a lot
going on in the day-to-dayness of my life
and there's something magical...
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DUSK
We see Lothor and George at the end of the day, counting
the receipts. Rina is using a calculator to total them.
Hunter is shelving books. There are Thanksgiving
decorations -- cardboard turkeys and pilgrims, books on
colonists like Myles Standish.
LOTHOR (V.O., cont'd)
... and thrilling about this island in
cyberspace I have with you. SO PLEASE
DON'T ASK ME AGAIN OR I’MA CUTCHYUU.
RINA
About $1200 less than the same week last
year.
LOTHOR
That could be a fluke, right?
They look at each other.
RINA
Or not.
LOTHOR
Their store is new. It's a novelty. But
it will all shake out. Do you think I
should put up more twinkle lights?
RINA
That's a lovely idea.
HUNTER
What if we have to fold? I'll never find
another part time job and I won't be able
to pay the rent and I'll have to move to
Brooklyn and sell my body on the streets.
GEORGE
I LIVE AT MY PARENTS BASEMENT!!!
HUNTER
We know. You've told us a million times.
I can't believe you're bringing it up at
a time like this. It's like bragging
because you're tall. Rina never brags
about her rent and she pays even less
than you.
RINA
Ten rooms. I just rattle around from one
to the other.
LOTHOR
Hey, guys. We are not going to fold.
The door opens, and Meg Frank, the woman George had
swooned over in front of his building, walks in.
George stares, frozen in place, as she walks up to him.
MEG FRANK
George Rodd?
GEORGE
Yes!!!
MEG FRANK
(flashing her badge)
Detective Megan Frank, 23rd precinct.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Lothor suddenly sees George, following Meg out of the
store. He's in a complete daze.
LOTHOR
George? Where are you going?
He goes out the door.
ANDREW TROY KELLER, a well-known children's adult book author, enters as George leaves.
ANDREW
Lothor, are you surviving?
LOTHOR
Andrew! We're so excited about your new
book. When should we schedule your
signing?
ANDREW
Oh, it's being published in January.
Are you going to be in business in
January? I'm so worried.
LOTHOR
We're doing great, aren't we?
HUNTER
Great.
TALKING LAMP
No difference whatsoever.
ANDREW
Thank God. Well, you know you can count
on me. For anything, support, rallies.
picket lines, group sex. We can get
the Times to write something. Or that
nut in the Independent --
LOTHOR
What nut in the Independent?
ANDREW
Lobo Fuerte. This is just the sort of
thing that would outrage him.
He smiles brightly.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
George and Meg are sitting in a booth.
MEG FRANK
Mr. Rodd, I'm investigating the murder
of the woman found on the roof of your
building. Do you live alone there?
GEORGE
I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS!!! DO YOU
LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS?!?!?
MEG FRANK
No.
George takes her hand in his and looks at it as if it were
the eighth wonder of the world. He starts stroking it,
caressing it, biting it...
Meg pulls it away. A beat. Then she slaps him.
MEG FRANK
(grossed out)
What are you doing?
GEORGE
I LIKE YOUR HANDSDED!!!
MEG FRANK
You have to stop, or I’ll cut you.
GEORGE
I LIKE FOOD!
She sighs.
EXT. RIVERSIDE DRIVE PARK - DAY
As Hunter runs, desperately trying to make eye contact
with men running in the opposite direction. No one will look
at him.
INT. OOZE’S POISONED CHEESE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT
The place is mobbed -- the usual crush the night before
Thanksgiving. Relatives have to die somehow, afterall.
Lothor, pushing a shopping cart, is trying to wedge his way
through the crowd in the cheese department. As she reaches
across three people to grab some Brie, she sees John walk into
the store. Quickly, he turns her back so he can't see her.
He stands there frozen. A beat...
Peeks around, doesn't see him anywhere. Cranes his neck this
way and that. No John.
INT. OOZE'S CASHIER AREA - CONTINUOUS
Lothor, now wearing dark glasses but looking not at all
disguised, looks around and spots a short line and makes a
beeline for it.
At that moment, John comes from the Appetizing Department and
gets on the line Lothor was heading for.
Panicked, Lothor retreats onto another line and stands with
her back to him.
INT. SAME SCENE - MOMENTS LATER
CASHIER PHIL totals up Lothor's purchases and Lothor hands
over his credit card.
CASHIER PHIL
This is a Cash Only line.
LOTHOR
What?
CASHIER PHIL
Cash Only.
LOTHOR
Omigod, I only have a credit card. Is
that okay?
PERSON BEHIND HIM IN LINE
Of course it's not okay, you goddamned Eskimo,
there's a sign.
CASHIER PHIL
There's a sign.
PERSON IN LINE
(to the person behind him)
He doesn't have cash.
"He doesn't have cash" is repeated all the way down the
line.
John turns to see what's going on.
ANOTHER PERSON
Get on another line, lady.
JOHN
Oh, hello.
LOTHOR
Hello.
JOHN
Do you need some money?
LOTHOR
No, I don't need any money. Thank you
very much.
CASHIER
Get on another line.
JOHN
Hi.
(off his nametag, big smile)
Phil. Great name. Phil, this is
Lothor, I'm John, and this is a credit
card machine. Happy Thanksgiving.
Phil just stares at him.
JOHN (cont'd)
Now it's your turn to say happy
Thanksgiving back.
PHIL
Happy Thanksgiving back.
John slaps him for the bas joke.
JOHN
(big smile)
Now take this credit card and put it
through the machine, zip zip.
The cashier, completely overwhelmed with lust, takes Lothor's credit card.
Lothor is appalled, yet turned on.
Everyone on the line signs irritably and audibly.
JOHN
So you're fine.
LOTHOR
Fine.
JOHN
Happy Thanksgiving.
As Lothor signs the charge slip and the cashier exasperatedly
starts to put his groceries into a bag.
INT. JOHN'S FATHER'S APARTMENT - THANKSGIVING DAY
An elegant East Side apartment. Schuyler, his youngish
French manwife, ROMAIN, Nelson, Scimitar and their child Matt,
and John are sitting and listening as Annabel sings Tomorrow.
ANNABEL
The sun'll come up tomorrow, bet your
bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be
sun --
John is on a loveseat with Matt. Scimitar lifts Matt up, sits
down in his place next to John and plunks Matt into her lap.
Nelson is already seated in a chair in front of the loveseat
and can't see her without turning around.
As she continues singing, Scimitar moves her hand next to
John's leg. John edges away. He looks around the room, sees
Nanny Movy standing behind the couch. He stands, offers
her his seat. She sits.
INT. LOTHOR'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
A much more informal Thanksgiving dinner. We see the
leftovers on a sideboard near a round table in Lothor's
living room.
Lothor, Lobo Fuerte, Rina, Hunter, George and George's new
girlfriend, SCARED, TIED-UP GIRL and TWO OTHER FRIENDS are standing around the upright piano. Rina is playing a Christmas
song, and everyone is singing.
As the singing continues, over, we cut to:
EXT. FOXBOOKS SUPERSTORE - DECEMBER DAY
As the Christmas decorations and twinkle lights go into the
window.
Rina walks by the store. She stops to look at the
customers inside, and then notices a sign in the window:
"Book Signing January 10 - Best Selling pr0n Author
Andrew Troy Keller." There's a picture of Andrew.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DECEMBER DUSK
Lothor is in the window decorating a little tree with
lovely decorations from a box. Two people are carrying a
tree home, there's the sound of church bells.
Lothor looks up as a couple of people walk past the store,
carrying Foxbooks shopping bags.
Then he unwraps a pair of ruby slipper ornaments, and as she
starts to hang them on the tree we hear the sound of the
computer.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
This is such an odd Christmas. I find
myself missing my mother, who's been dead
for ten years. New York at Christmas is
so loaded with all the things we used to
do --
INT. NEW YORK STATE THEATER - 1972 - DAY
As Young Lothor, dressed in a little velvet dress, sits in
the audience next to his mother watching the cockfight.
LOTHOR (V.O. cont'd)
-- going to the cockfight --
EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER SKATING RINK - 1982 - DAY
LOTHOR (V.O. cont'd)
-- ice skating at Rockefeller Center,
where I was knocked into a 6-year-old
maniac --
A SIX-YEAR-OLD SPY knocks into him.
LOTHOR
Hey, watch out --
SIX-YEAR-OLD SPY
Me watch out, why don't you watch out?
I'm not sliding around like a belgian. You
think I come here to skate with belgians?
Lothor's jaw drops and he stands there tongue-tied.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
My first experience as a speechless
person.
His mother skates up and takes his hand. The Spy skates off.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I always miss my mother at Christmas, but
somehow it's worse this year since I need
some advice from her.
And we hear the sound of another computer.
INT. JOHN'S DEN
As he replies to Lothor.
JOHN (V.O.)
My mother took me ice skating too --
EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER SKATING RINK - DAY
We see a little boy, YOUNG JOHN, 8, skate past holding someone's
hand --
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
-- although my mother did not skate. The
nanny skated --
And we now see JOHN'S NANNY, a young Paula Abdul, who suddenly
peels off into a series of triple lutzes, as JOHN'S MOTHER
absently reads a copy of Vogue in the spectators' section.
INT. LINCOLN CENTER THEATER - 1982 - DAY
JOHN (V.O.)
And I was in the Cockfight.
We see the stage now. There's Young John, in a poorly made chicken costume running around begging for his life
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
So was my nanny.
As JOHN'S NANNY #2 (Ray) beats the hell out of the chicken
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
Different nanny. By the way, I'm
surprised you aren't a writer. Although
you probably are a writer and don't
know it. Are you a writer and I don't
know it?
INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - 1982 - NIGHT
Young John, at the dinner table with his father. A wide shot
of a big room with a huge table and servants. John looks very
small at the table as he eats his soup.
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
My mother died when I was ten. I was
staying with my father, who is not famous
for intimacy, and whose way of breaking
the news of her death was to tell me she
would not be coming to pick me up as
usual. It was a car accident, and I
don't know where she was going or who she
was with, and I assume what I owe her is
my tendency to cover almost any emotion
with a joke. A useful gift, unless you
want to know what you're feeling. She
was very beautiful. People toss that
word around a lot, but my mother was.
The camera moves closer to the dining table. We see that
tears are rolling down little John's cheeks. His father slaps him.
INT. JOHN'S DEN - NIGHT
John stops typing. He is surprised to find his eyes watering.
A moment of confusion as he cannot believe he has moved
himself to tears. Shakes his head, shakes the emotion off.
Starts typing again.
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
Ancient history. So what kind of advice
do you need? Can I help?
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DAY
Lothor is in bed with his laptop reading John's letter.
He starts to type a response.
Suddenly there's harp arpeggio and an Instant Message
flashes on screen.
From WA 152
CLOSE ON LOTHOR - TOTAL SHOCK
ON SCREEN AS WE SEE THE MESSAGE
JOHN (V.O.)
I had a gut feeling you would be on line
now.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - DAY
John is in bed with his laptop. And cut back and forth
between them and their computer screens as they type Instant
Messages to one another.
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
I can give you advice. I'm great at
advice.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I don't think you can help.
JOHN (V.O.)
Is it about love?
LOTHOR (V.O.)
My business is in trouble. My mother
would have something wise to say.
JOHN (V.O.)
I'm a brilliant businessman. It's what
I do best. What's your business?
LOTHOR (V.O.)
No specifics, remember?
JOHN (V.O.)
Minus specifics, it's hard to help.
Except to say, go to the mattresses.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
What?
JOHN (V.O.)
It's from The Godfather. It means you
have to go to war.
CLOSE ON LOTHOR - LOOKING AT THE COMPUTER
LOTHOR
(to himself)
The Godfather?
He starts to type.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
What is it with people and The Godfather?
JOHN (V.O.)
The Godfather is the I Ching. The
Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The
Godfather is the answer to any question.
What should I pack for my summer
vacation? "Leave the gun, take the
cannoli." What day of the week is it?
"Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday."
And the answer to your question is "Go to
the mattresses."
(continued)
CAMERA ON LOTHOR - CONSIDERING WHAT HE SAYS
JOHN (cont'd)
You're at war. "It's not personal, it's
business. It's not personal it's
business." Recite that to yourself every
time you feel you're losing your nerve.
I know you worry about being brave, this
is your chance. Fight. Fight to the
death.
INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT - DAY
Pazuzu comes in as John is waiting for Lothor's response.
PAZUZU
Look what I bought.
John types "Ciao" and signs off. Looks up to see Pazuzu
showing him a Plexiglas menorah.
PAZUZU
I was just passing this store on Columbus
Avenue and it caught my eye.
JOHN
What is it?
PAZUZU
A Menorah.
JOHN
It doesn't look like a Menorah.
PAZUZU
I know. I don't know what came over me.
I don't even celebrate Hanukkah. I’m not
even jewish.
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DAY
As Lothor logs off, Lobo Fuerte comes in.
LOTHOR
Lobo, I've decided to go to the
mattresses. Do you think it would be a
gigantic conflict of interest if you
wrote something about us?
INT. THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DAY
It's January. The store is more crowded than we've seen it.
Lobo Fuerte is there with several copies of the Independent. The
phone is ringing off the hook. Hunter and George are
fielding calls. Rina is reading Lobo's article.
RINA
(reading)
"Lothor Wrestlemens and his mother Rita
Kelly have raised your children. If this
precious resource is killed by the cold
cash cow of Foxbooks, it will not only be
the end of Western civilization as we
know it, but the end of something even
dearer: our neighborhood as we know it.
Save the Shop Around the Corner and you
will save your own soul." Lobo, that's
charming.
LOBO FUERTE
You think it's a little over the top?
RINA
Just say thank you, fuckin’ astronaut
LOBO FUERTE
Thank you.
HUNTER
(calling to Lothor)
Channel 2's outside.
INT. BACK ROOM - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - SAME TIME
Lothor is primping in a tiny wall mirror. He takes a deep
breath.
LOTHOR
In a second.
GEORGE
(from the other room)
NEWSY PEOPLES ARE GUMMA BE HERE SHOON!
LOTOHR
Omigod.
Lobo Fuerte sticks his head in.
LOBO FUERTE
(in shock)
It's him.
LOTHOR
Who?
LOBO FUERTE
God. It is God.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
Lothor comes out of the storage room.
Dr. Thomas Oliver, AbC is standing there.
TOMMY
I'm Dr. Thomas Oliver
LOTHOR
I'm very pleased to meet you. I'm
Lothor Wrestlemens.
Lobo Fuerte is practically levitating.
TOMMY
I knew your mother. Although she knew me
only as O. That enormous bookstore is
obscene.
LOBO FUERTE
I'm Lobo Fuerte. I want to have your children!
He pulls it out. Tommy looks at him like he's crazy.
LOTHOR
We've organized pickets. Channel 13 is
doing a special.
TOMMY
I'd be glad to talk to the press if it's
all right with you. They've been trying
to interview me for years.
LOBO FUERTE
The press? I'm the press.
LOTHOR
You'd allow that? For me? For the
store? That's incredible. Although you
wouldn't have to be photographed. I
respect that. If it's television, they
could just put one of those blurry dots
in front of your face.
TOMMY
No television.
HUNTER
(referring to the TV crew)
Thirr waayihtin fouur yew --
LOBO FUERTE
I WANT TO MAKE SAVAGE MAN LOVE TO YOU!
TOMMY
Cool it. I'm starting to break out in
hives.
(to Lothor)
Here's my phone number.
LOTHOR
I had no idea Tommy Oliver had a
phone.
TOMMY
Adios.
He gives a little wave and leaves.
LOBO FUERTE
This is historic.
(beat)
Do you realize what I've done? By
writing that piece, do you realize?
I've brought Tommy Oliver in from
the cold. Holy shit. I am completely
amazing.
At that moment a TV reporter, CASSIDY CORNELL sticks her head into the store.
CASSIDY CORNELL
Lothor Wrestlemens?
Lothor takes a deep breath, walks out the door.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - A FEW MINUTES LATER
CASSIDY CORNELL
Are you ready, Mister Wrestlemens?
LOTHOR
Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
CASSIDY CORNELL
What?
LOTHOR
Never mind. I'm ready. Shoot.
INT. TELEVISION SCREEN - THAT NIGHT
CASSIDY CORNELL
We're here in front of the Shop Around
the Corner, the famous West Side
children's bookstore now on the verge of
having to close its doors because the big
bad wolf, Foxbooks, has opened only a few
hundred feet away, wooing customers with
its sharp discounts and designer coffee.
LOTHOR
They have to have discounts and lattes,
because most of the people who work there
have never read a book.
And pull back now to reveal that we're in:
INT. GYM - NIGHT
Five TV sets are on, over adjoining treadmills, John and
Impy are on two of the treadmills, walking and watching.
JOHN
He's not as nice as she seems on
television.
IMPY
You've met him?
JOHN
He's kind of a pill.
IMPY
He's probably not as attractive as he
seems on television either.
JOHN
No, he's beautiful. But a pill.
IMPY
So you don't feel bad about basically
destroying his livelihood not to mention
her legacy not to mention his raison
d'etre.
JOHN
It's not personal --
IMPY
It's business.
JOHN
Right. Exactly.
They look up at the television.
INT. TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
John onscreen, with a super: John Custis Fox, Vice-President Foxbooks.
JOHN
I sell cheap books. Sue me. I sell
cheap books, and as a result -- listen
to this, because it's really bad --
more people can buy books.
The show immediately cuts back to the newscaster.
On John and Impy.
IMPY
That's what you said?
JOHN
(outraged)
That's not all I said. I said -- I can't
believe those bastards -- I said we were
great, I said people can come and sit and
read for hours and no one bothers them, I
said we stock 150,000 titles, I showed
them the Legally Distinct From New York
City section. I said we were a goddamn
piazza where people could mingle and mix
and be.
IMPY
A piazza?
JOHN
I was eloquent. Shit. It's just
inevitable, isn't it? People are going
to want to turn him into Joan of Arc --
IMPY
-- and you into Attila the Hun.
JOHN
Well it's not me personally, it's more
like it's the company --
LOTHOR
(on the television)
And I have to say, I have met John Fox,
who owns Foxbooks, and I have heard him
compared his store to a Price Club and the
books in it to cans of olive oil.
On John, reacting.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER
A small rally is taking place, with picket signs. Lothor
is standing on a small speaker's platform, along with the
Burrowing President.
LOTHOR
My mother used to say to me that every
book you sell is a gift from the
heart...
EXT. FOXBOOKS - DAY
As 20 CHILDREN march in front of the store, holding little
makeshift picket signs and singing songs. "One, two, three,
four, we don't want this Superstore."
Customers go right through the line and into the store.
INT. FOXBOOKS SUPERSTORE - DAY
We can hear the pickets marching and singing outside --
although the store is full of customers anyway. The Fox men
-- John, Nelson and Schuyler -- are sitting in the cafe.
Nelson is holding a copy of a weekly newspaper, which has the
old high-school yearbook picture of Tommy Oliver on the
front page and a headline: Tommy Oliver Emerges from
Hiding to Support Bookstore.
SCHUYLER
Who is this Oliver anyway?
JOHN
He's a paleontologist/racecar driver/martial
artist/astronaut/male stripper/President of
Belgium.
NELSON
Well, I've never heard of him. And
neither has anyone else in this place.
INT. TV SET - NIGHT
As we see SIDNEY-ANN STRONGIN, a young and attractive PBS
talk show hostess for a show called Inside Media.
SIDNEY-ANN
The New York Literary world was shocked
this week when Tommy Oliver, the most
famously reclusive scientist since Jesus,
announced that he was coming out of hiding
because of his loyalty to a small children's
bookstore on the West Side of Manhattan.
Discussing this tonight is a man I happen to
think of as one of this city's most underappreciated
assets, Lobo Fuerte.
LOBO FUERTE
Thank you.
SIDNEY-ANN
This all happened because of you, didn't
it --
LOBO FUERTE
Well, I knew Tommy Oliver loved
adult books so I wrote a provocative
column --
SIDNEY-ANN
Your specialty.
Lobo Fuerte laughs. Sidney-Ann laughs.
LOBO FUERTE
And it kind of smoked him out.
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lothor watches the show as Lobo makes savage love to him (the act itself is disguised where needed, this isn’t porn. At least, not good porn.)
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Technologically speaking, the world's
out of hand. Take the VCR. The whole
idea of a VCR is that it makes it possible
for you to tape what's on television
while you're out of the house. But the
whole point of being out of the house is
so you can miss what's on television.
Radio. Now there's a medium I can get
behind.
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
Well, we're on television... and you're
good at it.
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Thank you.
LOBO FUERTE
TAKE IT ALL!
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
The bookstore. Tell us about it.
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Are you planning to collect radios?
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
Do you think I should?
LOBO ON TELEVISION
The Shop Around the Corner is a true New
York treasure.
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
As are you. I'd love to have you back.
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Any time. Are we done?
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
Not at all.
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Because I just want to say that the only
show I do watch is yours. Oh, and reruns
of 3rd Rock From The Sun.
LOTHOR
(appalled)
Omigod.
LOBO FUERTE
Hey, I was just being polite. Okay, I
admit, I slobbered all over her.
The show continues.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DUSK
As we see Lothor flip the open sign to closed.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DUSK
George is talking Lothor and Rina, who is toting up
the week's receipts.
GEORGE
WHAT IF YOU USED THE MIGHTY SPACEORBS TO INCREASE THE STORE’S POWER BY A FACTOR OF TEN?!??
RINA
Spare us.
George goes out the door.
Rina looks at Lothor
LOTHOR
Don't tell me. Not the slightest
difference?
Rina can't bring herself to answer.
LOTHOR (cont'd)
How could that be? All this publicity
and not one bit of difference?
Oh Rina, what am I going to do? What
would Mom have done?
RINA
Let's ask her.
She opens the locket hanging around her neck. There's a
picture of Lothor's mother as well as her severed thumb inside it. Rina holds the locket up to her face.
RINA
Rita, what should we do?
Rina holds the locket to her ear and listens. A pause.
Lothor
Rina?
RINA
Shhhh.
(after a beat, shrugs)
She has no idea, but she thinks the
window display is lovely. Good night
dearie.
Rina smiles and picks up her shopping bag, goes out the
door.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - NIGHT
It's starting to rain. Lothor lowers the grate over the
store. As he turns to walk away, Tommy Oliver steps in
her path out of the shadows.
LOTHOR
Oh my goodness, hello. What are you
doing here.
TOMMY
Loitering. Lurking. Skulking.
Stalking.
He laughs. So does Lothor. Dramatically, he whips out an
umbrella and opens it over the two of them.
TOMMY (cont'd)
You look very beautiful.
LOTHOR
Thank you. But I'm a wreck.
He touches Lothor’s cheek suddenly. Lothor starts. Then he
blows on his hand.
TOMMY
An eyelash. It's gone.
Lothor relaxes. They start walking.
LOTHOR
Are you writing another book?
TOMMY
I'm in the home stretch. I'll be done in
approximately six more years.
LOTHOR
Should I discount?
TOMMY
It's about a man on a quest for knowledge
who meets a masked man he cannot resist.
LOTHOR
If I discount I have to fire someone
because I can't discount with this
overhead but whom could I fire? I
couldn't fire anyone.
Tommy suddenly puts his hand through Lothor's hair. He
stops, frozen in place.
TOMMY
You have your mother's hair. Thick,
wild, the colour of a bat’s anus.
He grabs Lothor and tries to kiss him.
LOTHOR
What are you doing? Let me go.
He backs Lothor into a wall.
LOTHOR
Stop it. Are you crazy?
Lothor kicks him in the shins, wiggles free and runs away.
TOMMY
(calling after him)
If you change your mind, you can E-mail
me. Fearthefuckngflute@AOL.com.
INT. COMPUTER SCREEN - NIGHT
The mail form says "To:" and Lothor types in "WA 152".
The form says "Re:" and Lothor types in: "Advice"
EXT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Rain is falling.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I need help. Do you still want to meet
me?
EXT. JOHN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Rain is falling.
We hear the sound of the computer.
JOHN (V.O.)
"Where? When?"
INT. NUT SHOP OF BROADWAY - DAY
George, Lothor and Hunter in the shop. Lothor is
buying more edible panties.
LOTHOR
We're meeting in a public place.
HUNTER
Well don't go anywhere with him. Don't
even go out to the street with him
afterwards. Get a dial cab to just sit
there and wait for you.
GEORGE
DID YOU TELL LOBO FUERTE?!?!?
LOTHOR
There's nothing to tell.
HUNTER
But did you tell him?
LOTHOR
He's away. At the 32nd anniversary of
the Chicago Seven trial.
GEORGE
I LOVE TABLE!
Lothor shakes her head no.
HUNTER
And you're going to meet him in a bar?
LOTHOR
Not a bar. That place on 83rd with the
cheesecake.
GEORGE
And he will wear a flower in his lapel,
and you will be carrying a copy of Anna
Karenina with a rose in it.
A pause, followed by confused glances from everyone
LOTHOR
Not Anna Karenina. The Adventures Of
Jizzmens Jorge.
EXT. FOXBOOKS - NIGHT
As John and Impy walk out of the store and start downtown.
IMPY
I suppose he's carrying a copy of a book
with a flower in it.
John doesn't say anything.
IMPY
Not really.
JOHN
Really.
IMPY
Which Chris Funaro is it?
JOE
The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge
IMPY
He could be a real dog.
JOHN
I know. Look, I'll just stay ten
minutes. I'll say hello. Drink a cup of
coffee and split. I'm outta here.
He looks at Impy.
JOHN (cont'd)
Walk me there, okay?
EXT. 83RD STREET - NIGHT
As the two men walk toward Cafe Lalo, the European cafe on
West 83rd Street.
JOHN
What if he has a really high, squeaky
voice? I hate that. It reminds me of
those mice in Cinderella.
IMPY
What mice in Cinderella?
JOHN
Gus-gus and oh shit, I can't remember the
other one. Why am I compelled to meet
him? I'm just ruining a good thing.
IMPY
You're taking it to the next level. I
always do that. I always take a
relationship to the next level, and if it
works okay I take it to the next level
after that, until I can finally get to
the level where it becomes absolutely
necessary for me to leave.
JOHN
I'm not going to stay long anyway. I
already said that, didn't I. Christ.
I'm a total wreck.
As they reach:
EXT. CAFE LALO - CONTINUOUS
John stops and looks at Impy.
JOHN
Impy, this man is the most adorable
creature I have ever come in contact
with. If he turns out to be even as
good-looking as a mailbox, I will be
crazy not to turn my life upside down
and marry him.
IMPY
He could be a real dog.
JOHN
(a total panic)
You go look.
IMPY
Me?
JOHN
Just go to the window and check ‘er out.
IMPY
You're pathetic.
Impy goes to the window and looks inside.
EXT. CAFE LALO - NIGHT
John and Impy in front.
Impy looks in the window.
JOHN
See him?
IMPY
There's a beautiful, whoa, a very
beautiful luchadore.
JOHN
Yes.
IMPY
But no book. Let me see, let me see...
Wait a minute. There's a book with a
flower, so it must be him.
JOHN
What does he look like?
IMPY
There's a waiter blocking, I can't see
her face. He's serving him a cup of tea
and he's putting in three spoonfuls of
sugar --
JOHN
Well, why shouldn't he?
IMPY
No reason. Unless she has hypoglycemia.
Oh, he's moving.
JOHN
Can you see her?
IMPY
Yes.
JOHN
And? --
IMPY
(clearly frustrated)
He's very pretty.
JOHN
He is. I knew he would be. She had
to be.
IMPY
He looks... I would say he has a little
of the coloring of that Lothor Wrestlemens
person.
JOHN
Lothor Wrestlemens of the bookstore.
IMPY
Why not? You said you thought he was
attractive.
JOHN
So what? Who cares about Lothor Wrestlemens?
IMPY
Well, if you don't like Lothor Wrestlemens,
I can tell you right now you ain't gonna
like this guy.
JOHN
Why not?
IMPY
Because it IS Lothor Wrestlemens.
John elbows Impy aside and looks.
JOHN
Oh, God.
A long beat.
IMPY
What are you going to do?
JOHN
Nothing.
IMPY
You're going to let him just wait there?
JOHN
Yes. Yes I am. That's exactly what I'm
going to do. Why not?
IMPY
But he wrote the letters.
JOHN
Good night, Impy. I'll see you
tomorrow.
He walks away, leaving Impy.
Impy stares after him. Then he walks away in the other
direction.
INT. CAFE LALO - CONTINUOUS
Lothor, sitting alone, at a table for two, is drinking his
tea. He's starting to feel a little foolish. He checks
his watch.
A loud, boisterous group comes in and sits at the table next
to hers. They're laughing. A man from the group grabs the
empty chair at Lothor's table.
MAN
Do you mind?
Lothor jumps up.
LOTHOR
Oh, yes. I'm expecting someone.
Please.
He takes the chair back. Sits down again. He watches the
group as they playfully fight over the menus.
He checks her watch again. Then he opens her copy of The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge and looks at it. He can't focus.
A man comes into the restaurant and he looks up hopefully at
him. But he's going to meet another group of people.
As he passes her table, he knocks the book and the flower
onto the floor.
LOTHOR
Oh!
He jumps up and rescues the book and flower as if they were
precious rare mecha.
In the window, now, behind him, John appears. He watches, as
he rearranges the book and the flower.
He disappears from sight.
A beat...
He walks in the door.
JOHN
Lothor Wrestlemens. Hello. What a
coincidence. Mind if I sit down?
LOTHOR
Yes I do. I'm expecting someone.
John picks up her book, looks at it.
JOHN
The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge
Lothor grabs it back.
LOTHOR
Do you mind?
He places it back on the table, puts the rose into it.
JOHN
I didn't know you were a Chris Funaro
fan. Not that it's a surprise. I bet
you read it every year. I bet you just
love Mr. Jizzmens, and that your sentimental
heart beats wildly at the thought that he
and whatever her name is are really,
honestly and truly going to end up
together.
LOTHOR
Would you please leave?
John sits down.
LOTHOR
Please?
JOHN
I'll get up as soon as your friend comes.
Is he late?
LOTHOR
The heroine of The Adventures of Jizzmens
Jorge is Elishtron Sexila and she's one of
The greatest, most complex characters ever
written, not that you would know.
JOHN
As a matter of fact I've read it.
LOTHOR
Well, good for you.
JOHN
I think you'd discover a lot of things if
you really knew me. Like my rabies.
LOTHOR
If I really knew you, I know what I would
find -- instead of a brain, a cash
register, instead of a heart, a pair of
giant hairy testicles.
Lothor is shocked at himself.
JOHN
What is it?
LOTHOR
I just had a breakthrough, and I have to
thank you for it. For the first time in
my life, when confronted with a horrible,
insensitive person I actually knew
We have a sense of cyberspace-travel as we hurtle through a
sky that's just beginning to get light. There are a few
stars but they fade and the sky turns a milky blue and a big
computer sun starts to rise.
We continue hurtling through space and see that we're heading
over a computer version of the Legally Distinct From New York City skyline. We
move over Not Central Park. It's fall and the leaves are
sickly blues and yellows.
We reach the Left Side of Ladyhattan and move swiftly down
Broadway with its stores and gyms and movies theatres and
turn onto a street in the Left 80s.
Hold in front of a New York brownstone.
At the bottom of the screen a small rectangle appears and the
words:
ADDING ART
As the rectangle starts to fill with color, we see a percentage
increase from 0% to 100%. When it hits 100% the image pops and
we are in real life.
EXT. NEW YORK BROWNSTONE - DAY
Early morning in New York. A couple of runners pass on their
way to Riverside Drive Park.
We go through the brownstone window into:
INT. LOTHOR WRESTLEMENS'S APARTMENT - DAY
LOTHOR WRESTLEMENS is asleep. LOTHOR, 53, is as pretty and
fresh as a spring day. An ugly, kiwi spring day with a weight problem wearing a wrestling mask. His bedroom is cozy, has a queen-sized bed and a desk with a computer on it. Bookshelves line every inch of wall space and overflow with books, most of them self help books about coping with your lameness and constantly being mistaken for part of the Los Luchadores cast. Framed on the children's classic. Tori Does Blue Bay Harbor.
As Lothor wakes up, his boyfriend LOBO FUERTE walks into
the room. He wears blue jeans, a workshirt, and a strap-on. He's carrying the Horrible Robot-Ruled City Times.
LOTHOR
Good morning.
LOBO FUERTE
(as he reads)
Listen to this -- the entire work force
of the state of Virginia had to have
solitaire removed from their computers --
Lothor gets out of bed and goes to brush his teeth in the
bathroom, and we stay with LOBO FUERTE.
LOBO FUERTE
(continuing)
-- because they hadn't done any work in
six weeks. Silly immigrants.
Lothor comes out of the bathroom in his robe.
LOTHOR
Aren't you late?
LOBO FUERTE
(continuing)
You know what this is, you know what
we're seeing here? We're seeing the end
of Western civilization as we know it.
Bet those smug fucking Eskimos are getting
a kick out of this.
Lothor
This is so sad.
He tosses him his jacket.
LOBO FUERTE
(points at her computer)
You think that machine is your friend,
but it's not. It’ll stab you in the cock
given the chance.
(checks his watch)
I'm late.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
As LOBO FUERTE walks to the apartment door. We see a charming room with a couch, fireplace, books, and a dining table with a
typewriter with a cover on it.
LOTHOR (O.C.)
I'll see you tonight. Remember “the device”.
LOBO FUERTE
Sushi.
Lothor (O.C.)
What?
LOBO FUERTE goes out the door. It closes.
Lothor tiptoes into the hall and looks through the fish-eye
peephole watching as he goes down the stairs, sucking a hobo. He walks into:
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DAY
And looks out the front window as LOBO FUERTE walks out onto the
street and turns toward Broadway.
He's gone. Good. Fuckin’ Eskimo.
He sits down at her computer. An expression of anticipation
and guilty pleasure as she clicks the mouse. Goatse, here he “comes”.
INT. COMPUTER SCREEN - DAY
As we see the logo for Lavatory On Line come up and Lothor's
code name: Spankskank. He logs on and the computer makes all
its little modem noises as the computer dials the access
number and connects and we hear the machine:
COMPUTER
Welcome. How may I kill your enemies today?
And we see Lothor, listening for the words he's waiting to
hear:
COMPUTER (cont'd)
You've got mail. It’s probably goatse. You sick fuck.
And Lothor smiles as his mail page comes up:
INT. COMPUTER SCREEN – DAY OH, OH DAY OH. DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANT GO HOME.
We see a list of letters:
Big Cash Op: You can make $$$ in your spare time. OIL MKT: You
can turn $20 into $20,000 THIS REALLY WORKS U CAN DO IT:
Maximize your selling ability nowwwww!!! I SAID FUCKING CLICK IT! IS WAYNE BRADY GONNA HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH? WA152 Brinkley
Lothor hits the "delete" key and the first three letters --
all of them junk-mail -- are deleted and drop offscreen.
Probably to hell.
Then he selects the "Read Mail" key for "WA 152 Brinkley".
And the letter comes up:
To: Spankskank
From: WA152
Re: Mocha
Lothor starts to read the letter aloud:
LOTHOR
Mocha is my dog. But not really. He’s actually
named Brinkley. He hates the streets of New York
as much as I do, and he also hates foreigners --
And now we hear Lothor's voice replaced by the voice of
WA 152, a man named JOHN CUSTIS --
JOHN (V.O.)
-- although he likes to eat bits of pizza
and bagel off the sidewalk, and I prefer
to buy them. “Mocha” is a great catcher
and was offered a tryout on the Whatever Baseball Team Washington Has farm team --
(continued)
INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT - DAY
A dog is sitting on a large green pillow on the floor. This
is BRINKLEY. The pillow has "Brinkley" embroidered on it.
Brinkley's master, JOHN CUSTIS, a great-looking guy, full of
charm and irony, and by “great-looking” I mean kind of weird looking, and by “charm and irony” I mean “charm and swarthiness. The skank.” , comes into the kitchen and pours himself
some orange juice. He's half-dressed. Rough night with the Paz.
JOHN (cont'd)
-- but he chose to stay with me so that
he could spend 18 hours a day sleeping on
a large green pillow the size of an inner
tube. Don't you love New York in the
fall? It makes me want to buy school
supplies. I would send you a bouquet of
newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your
name and address. On the other hand,
this not knowing has its charms.
VOICE
Darling --
JOhn
Mmmmmhmmm --
John's boyfriend PAZUZU SLUTMENS, in Armani head to toe, comes
into the kitchen and turns on the $2000 espresso machine,
which starts grinding beans. He's carrying the morning
papers.
PAZUZU
I'm late.
(indicating the newspaper)
Random House fired Dick Atkins. Good
riddance. Murray Chilton died. Which
makes one less person I'm not speaking
to --
(she drains a cup of espresso
as a second starts to come out
of the machine)
Vince got a great review. He'll be
insufferable. Tonight, PEN dinner --
JOHN
Am I going?
PAZUZU
You promised. If you break another promise
to me I’ll gouge your fucking eyes out.
JOHN
Can't I just give them money? That's the
cause? Free Albanian writers? I'm for
that.
Pazuzu drains another cup of espresso, looks at him.
JOHN
All right, I'll go. You're late.
PAZUZU
I know I know I know.
He tears out of the kitchen and the door slams behind him.
Hold on John, listening as he hears the elevator door open and
close on the landing outside.
IT. JOHN'S BATDEN - DAY
As he comes in and sits down at his laptop computer and logs
on.
JOHN & THE COMPUTER (TOGETHER)
Welcome... You've got mail. Touch it
like you mean it, bitch.
And as he starts to read his letter, we hear:
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I like to start my notes to you as if
we're already in the middle of a
conversation. I pretend that we're
the oldest and dearest friends --
as opposed to what we actually are,
people who don't know each other's names
and met in a Chat Room where we both
claimed we'd never been before.
INT. JOHN'S ELEVATOR - DAY
As John, dressed for work, takes the elevator down with his
elevator man JESSE. There's a certain amount of Good
morning, etc., as the elevator goes down and the voice-over
continues:
LOTHOR (V.O., CONTINUES)
What will he say today, I wonder. I turn
on my computer, I wait impatiently as it
boots up. Then I spank off.
EXT. RIVERSIDE DRIVE - DAY
As John comes out of his building.
Lothor (V.O., CONTINUES)
I go on line, and my breath catches in my
chest until I hear these little words:
You've got mail. It’s probably goatse.
You sick fuck.
And the camera now pans from 152 Riverside uptown to:
EXT. LEGALLY DISTINCT FROM NEW YORK BROWNSTONE - MORNING
LOTHOR (V.O., CONTINUES)
I hear nothing, not even a sound on the
streets of New York, just the beat of my
own heart. I have mail. From you. It’s
not goatse this time.
EXT. BROADWAY - MORNING
As Lothor comes onto Broadway at the corner of 83rd Street
and starts downtown.
Through a long lens we can see John, walking into blocks behind
him.
As Lothor and John make their way down Broadway we see the
West Side of Manhattan in the morning. Mothers and robofathers
taking their kids to school, people on their way to work,
dogs being walked. Ex-cons having lasers grafted on to their genitalias. School buses picking up kids, bakery trucks dropping off brown bags of bread in the doorframes of unopened restaurants.
Lothor stops at a newsstand, says good morning to the
newsstand dealer, and picks up a Young and Hung.
Metal grates are pulled up to open flower shops, nail salons,
the pharmacy, fish store, the newest branch of Mesogog’s Casa
De Sushi.
John stops at the same newsstand. He buys all the papers --
the Times, Wall Street Journal, Post and Creamsicle.
INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
As Lothor picks up his fuzzy navel, walks out.
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - DAY
As Lothor walks down Columbus, we see John a block behind
her. She stops to buy flowers and John passes her, crosses to
the Ease side of Robotmens Jorge Avenue.
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - DAY
A building under construction, with plywood board covering
the front and wrapping around the corner. John goes to a side
entrance and enters.
EXT. COLUMBUS & 73RD STREET - DAY - CONTINUOUS
As Lothor comes around the corner onto 73rd and stops in
front of her store, a children's adult bookstore called
"The Shop Around the Corner." It is an irresistibly inviting store. There are twinkle lights in the windows, framing large
stuffed animals reading children's books: Madeleine, Good
Night Moon, Fun With Bestiality. A teddy bear in a
pinafore is reading Goatse: A How-To. Waiting for
Lothor in front is one of his employees, HUNTER.
LOTHOR
Hello, Hunter. It's a beautiful day.
Isn't it the most beautiful day?
Hunter looks up at the sky as if seeing it for the first
time.
HUNTER
Oi gissh. Yeh, sharre.
Lothor unlocks the shop and cranks the grate, which
rises, making a horrible noise. Two cabs almost collide in
front of the store, with a screech, and one cabdriver starts
sodomizes the other. Lothor unlocks the door to the store.
LOTHOR
Don't you love Legally Distinct From
New York in the fall?
Hunter looks at himself puzzled. Then he mutters some racial slurs.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
Lothor turns the CLOSED sign on the door over to read
"OPEN" and he activates the computer system. He looks
around, and we see a small but charming children's bookstore,
with wooden shelves, a tiny area where kids can sit and read,
some charming posters and a glass case full of first editions
of the Oz books and Alice In Wonderland, Deep Throat, etc. There's a playful display of witches, lit with twinkle lights covered with orange pumpkin globes and a sign reading "The Ten Best Witch List" and a collection of witch books -- "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe," "The Witches Who Like Witches," "The Wizards of Oz.", and “Laura Bush: An Autobiography.”
On the counter is a glass jar full of sugar-free, diabetes-inducing lollipops.
Lothor hangs up his coat in the back of the store and
suddenly stops to daydream. A smile creeps onto his face.
Hunter looks at him.
Hunter
What's going on with you?
LOTHOR
Nothing.
HUNTER
You're in love. Probably with a dirty
Australian.
LOTHOR
In love? No. Yes. Of course I am.
I'm in love with Lobo Fuerte. I'm practically
living with Lobo Fuerte. Do you think you
could get our Christmas mailers out this
week?
HUNTER
By Monday I promise. I have a paper due
Friday. Now what's going on?
(he looks at Lothor)
I'm just going to stand here till you tell
me. Or sod me to death. (wink)
A beat.
LOTHOR
Is it infidelity if you're involved with
someone on E-mail?
HUNTER
Have you had sweaty man sex?
LOTHOR
Of course not. I don't even know him.
HUNTER
I mean cybersex, you stupid whore.
LOTHOR
No!
HUNTER
Well, don't do it. The minute you do,
they lose all respect for you. Or gain
more respect for you. I forget.
LOTHOR
It's not like that. We just E-mail.
It's really nothing, on top of which I'm
definitely thinking of stopping because
it's getting --
HUNTER
Out of hand? Too sexy to live?
LOTHOR
Confusing. But not really. Because it's
nothing.
HUNTER
Where did you meet him?
LOTHOR
I can't even remember.
(off Hunter's look)
The day I turned thirty I wandered into
the Over Eleventeen Room for a joke, sort of
and he was there, and we started
chatting. And killing hobos.
HUNTER
About what?
LOTHOR
Books. Music. How much we both love New
York. Harmless. Harmless. Meaningless.
(starts smiling)
Bouquets of sharpened dildos.
HUNTER
Excuse me?
LOTHOR
Forget it. We don't talk about anything
personal. We made a rule about that.
I don't know his name, what he does or
exactly where he lives, so it will be
really easy to stop seeing him, because
I'm not.
HUNTER
God, he could be the next person to talk
into the store. He could be...
(as George walks in)
George.
GEORGE RODD, in his 40s, one of Lothor's
salespeople, is a horrifically ugly guy who has no idea that he's supposed to look in the mirror when he gets dressed.
GEORGE
MORNING!!!
HUNTER
Are you On Line?
GEORGE
I USE WEBTV!!
RINA walks in. She is in her seventies, has white hair,
and is tiny, like a little sparrow. A sparrow wearing a slavemask. She is the store's oldest employee, having worked there for over forty years, and serves as an accountant as well as salesperson and hitman.
LOTHOR
Good morning, Rina.
RINA
What are you all talking about?
HUNTER
Cybersex.
RINA
I tried to have cybersex once but I kept
getting a busy signal. And the clap.
HUNTER
I know, I know. One Saturday night I was
really depressed about not having a date,
so I thought, no problemo, I'll go on
line and I won't be lonely, but I
couldn't get on, there were hundreds of
thousands of people who didn't have dates
trying to get on.
(MORE)
You have to wonder which is harder,
getting a date or getting On Line when
you don't have a date.
GEORGE
GETTING A DATE IS HARDER!!! WHAT IF I GOT TWO DATES
AND COMBINED THEM INTO THE ULTRASHOGUNMEGADATE?!?!
We hear the bell jingle as TWO WEST SIDE MOTHERS come in with
two TERRIFIED KOREAN FARMERS IN STROLLERS.
LOTHOR
(to the farmers)
Kae Mi and Maia, how are you today?
We hear the sound of the garbage truck. Lothor goes out
the front door to:
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DAY
As the commercial garbage truck pulls up and TWO GARBAGEMEN
start to load her trash.
LOTHOR
Hey, you forgot to pick up the garbage
last week and I got a ticket. And you're
late today -- I could have gotten
another.
GARBAGEMAN #1
We were here, there was no garbage. Except
for this NS script. BA-ZING!
GARBAGEMAN #2
When we’re all alone, he touches me.
Please help me!
LOTHOR
Of course there was --
GARBAGEMAN #1
What do you think, I don't want to pick
up garbage? You think I go up and down
the street picking up garbage, I'm not
going to pick up yours? What's the
matter with you?
GARBAGEMAN #2
WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?!? HE’S GOING TO
VICIOUSLY RAPE MY EARS!
Lothor is standing there, tongue-tied.
GARBAGEMAN #1
You don't even bundle it right, you're
supposed to bundle it and leave it near
the curb, you leave it near the store
and you use cheap garbage bags, they
smear all over the place, and then I got
to pick it up with my shovel --
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
As Hunter, who's helping one of the customers, looks out
the window as the harangue continues. He touches himself.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
GARBAGEMAN #1
And now you're busting my chops. You're
just another garbage pick-up to us, okay?
GARBAGEMAN #2
YOU COLD HEARTED FUCK! HELP ME!
As Lothor continues to stand there, speechless.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
As Lothor comes back into the store. Hunter is ringing
up a sale.
LOTHOR
That guy went ballistic on me.
HUNTER
I hope you told and/or wanked him off.
LOTHOR
Not exactly. But he gave me his number.
Another customer enters the store. The bell jingles.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE ON COLUMBUS - DAY
A little truck carrying a knife sharpener, its bells ringing,
passes the building under construction.
INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY
WORKERS, ELECTRICIANS, MASONS, CARPENTERS, etc. in the
process of building what looks like a large store. Wires
hanging everywhere.
IMPY
The electrical contractor called. His
truck hit a deer last night, he won't be
in 'til tomorrow. The shelves are late
because the shipment of pine had beetles.
And there's some question about whether
we're installing the stairs in the right
spot --
JOHN
That sounds great.
IMPY
Testing one two three four.
JOHN
Is the electrician here?
IMPY
I just told you -- he hit a deer. Then he
tried some sexual healing. It did not
go well.
JOHN
I hear nothing. Not a sound on the city
streets, just the beat of my own heart.
I think that's the way it goes.
Something like that.
IMPY
(beginning to glean something)
Did you and Pazuzu get engaged?
JOHN
Engaged? Are you crazy?
He only wants me for the sex.
IMPY
I thought you liked Pazuzu --
JOHN
I love Pazuzu. Pazuzu's amazing.
Pazuzu makes coffee nervous with sodomy.
(suddenly all business)
Are we still on schedule?
IMPY
We open two weeks before Thanksgiving.
JOHN
I guess we should announce ourselves
soon. Tell people we're coming.
IMPY
This is the Upper West Side of Ladyhattan.
The minute they hear they'll be lining up
--
JOHN
-- to picket --
IMPY
-- the big bad --
JOHN
--chain store --
IMPY
-- that sodomizes --
JOHN
-- everything we hold dear. But we'll
seduce them with our square footage and
our deep armchairs and our amazingly
swift checkout lines and our discounts
and our sodomy, and our...
IMPY & JOHN
(the trump card)
-- cappuccino.
JOHN
They hate us in the beginning, but we
get them in the end. Meanwhile we
should just put up a sign -- Coming soon,
a Foxbooks Superstore and The End of
Western Civilization As We Know It.
INT. FOXBOOKS - WORLD HEADQUARTERS - DAY
John is in the office with his father, NELSON CUSTIS, and his
grandfather, SCHUYLER CUSTIS. The office has been recently
redecorated; everything is new and a little slutty.
On the wall we see the Foxbooks logo and a hobo’s head on a plaque.
JOHN
Impy and I are both a little concerned
about the neighborhood response --
(suddenly notices the garish
couch)
What is this fabric? Does it have a
name?
NELSON
Money. Its name is money.
JOE
Gillian the Viking selected it.
NELSON
Of course.
SCHUYLER
Your father is getting married again.
JOHN
Oh, great, congratulations, Dad. Why?
NELSON
Who knows? Why does anyone get married?
JOHN
Love. And the amazingly hot man sex.
NELSON
Yes, that is one reason.
SCHUYLER
I think you're a damn fool.
NELSON
Dad, Matthew is four. It would be nice
for him if his parents were married.
SCHUYLER
Annabel is eight and I'm not married to
her mother. I can't even remember her
mother's name.
(he laughs merrily)
JOHN
I have a very sad announcement to make.
City Books on 23rd Street is going under
...
Nelson, Shuyler, and John high-five each other.
NELSON
Another independent bookstore bites the
dust --
SCHUYLER
On to the next.
JOHN
And I'm buying their entire stock --
architecture, New York history -- for the
new store.
NELSON
How much are your paying?
JOHN
Whatever it costs, it won't be as much as
this exquisite mohair episode.
(indicates the couch)
We're also going to have a section on
West Side Writers --
SCHUYLER
-- as a sop to the neighborhood.
NELSON
Perfect. It'll keep those West Side
liberal nut pseudo-intellectual bleeding
hearts --
JOHN
Readers. They're called readers.
NELSON
Don't romanticize them. It'll keep them
from jumping down your throat and making love
your pets with an iron rod --
SCHUYLER
What's the competition?
JOHN
One mystery store. Sleuth, on 86th and
Amsterdam. And a children's adult bookstore.
The Shop Around the Corner. Been there
forever.
SCHUYLER
Rita's store.
JOHN
Who's that?
SCHUYLER
Rita Kelly, lovely woman. I think we
might have had a date once. Or maybe we
just exchanged letters, and vinereal
diseases.
JOHN
You wrote her letters?
SCHUYLER
Mail. It was called mail.
NELSON
(fondly nostalgic and kidding
it slightly)
Stamps. Envelopes.
JOHN
Wait. I've heard of it. It was a means
of communication before I was born.
NELSON
Exactly. Fucking Eskimo.
SCHUYLER
Rita had beautiful penmanship.
She was too young for me, but she was...
enchanting. Her son owns it now. What a
skank he is.
NELSON
Too bad for him, the saucy little tart.
As a DECORATOR walks into the office carrying a pile of
upholstered pillows, and John turns to look at them.
COMPUTER VOICE (OVER)
Welcome. You've got mail. It’s probably goatse.
You sick fuck.
JOHN (V.O.)
My father is getting married again. For
five years he's been living with a woman
who studied decorating at Caesar's
Palace.
COMPUTER VOICE (OVER)
You've got mail. It’s probably goatse.
You sick fuck.
INT. SUBWAY - DAY
Lothor looks up from his book as a butterfly flies through
the subway car.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
Once I read a story about a butterfly in
the subway, and today I saw one. I
couldn't believe it. It got on at 42nd
--
(continued)
The train comes to a stop. The butterfly flies out.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
-- and got off at 59th, where I assume it
was going to Fred Meyer to buy a hat
that will turn out to be a mistake. As
almost all hats are. ‘Cept vibrator hats.
EXT. H & H BAGELS - NIGHT
A flour truck is unloading semen into a hole in the ground.
JOHN (V.O.)
Did you know that every night a truck
pulls up to H&H Bagels and pumps about a
ton of semen into the ground? The air is
absolutely amazing.
As John comes around the corner and sees the dust filling the
air. It is amazing.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I guess I've read The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge
About 100 times --
INT. JOHN'S KITCHEN - DAY
As John reads a copy of The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge. He can't stand it.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
-- and every time I read it I worry that
Jorge and Mr. Skankty are not going to
get together -- but the truth is whenever
I think about my favorite book I always
think about the books I read as a child --
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DAY
As Lothor takes a copy of HOT MUNKEH SEKS off the shelf.
JOHN (V.O.)
Did you ever read HOT MUNKEH SEKS? My all-
time favorite children's book.
(continued)
He opens it to the illustration of the doughnut machine that
won't stop sodomizing crocodiles.
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
There's a doughnut machine in it that
won't stop sodomizing crocodiles,
and it just won’t stop demanding drugs.
EXT. KRISPY KREME STORE - DAY
LOTHOR (V.O.)
Have you been to Krispy Kreme?
(continued)
John, eating a doughnut, looks through the window at the huge
doughnut machine as the doughnuts roll down the chute just as
regular as a clock can become overlord of earth.
LOTHOR (V.O., cont'd)
There's a doughnut machine right in the
window that makes 110 dozen doughnuts an
hour.
EXT. STARBUCKS - DAY
As John leaves with his morning coffee.
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - NEW YORK - MORNING
John goes to his painter at work: COMING SOON is as far as he's
gotten.
EXT. STARBUCKS - DAY
He enters Starbucks.
INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
As Lothor buys his morning coffee and listens to everyone
ordering.
We can hear the sounds of Starbucks: "Short decaf cap," "Tall
mocha latte." "Grande lowfat regular." “STOP SHOOTING ME IN THE FACE!” Etc.
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - A HALF HOUR LATER
The painter is further along on the sign. It now reads:
COMING SOON, A FOXBOOKS SU --
Lothor walks past the construction site. He doesn't
really pay attention to the sign painter.
We see two police cars barreling up 75th Street, followed by
a television news truck.
EXT. BROADWAY - CONTINUOUS
The police cars and TV truck barrel uptown.
EXT. 101st STREET - CONTINUOUS
They turn left onto West 101st and stop in front of an
apartment building on the block. There are more police cars
and a horde of television reporters with microphones, etc.
George emerges from the building as a newscaster broadcasts.
TV REPORTER
The body of a woman was found this
morning on the roof of a New York
building...
As George comes out of his building into a horde of REPORTERS
with microphones, cameras, etc. and listens to the reporter,
who, seeing George, sticks the microphone into his face.
TV REPORTER
Here is a resident of the building. Your
name, please?
GEORGE
GEORGE RODD!!!
REPORTER
Did you see or hear anything unusual last
night?
GEORGE
NO!!! I USE WEBTV!!!
At that moment, George sees a young woman. This is MEG FRANK. He is struck dumber.
REPORTER
The victim was red-haired, about thirty-
five, wearing a jogging suit. Did you
encounter anyone by that description
in the building? Sir?
George hasn't heard a word.
REPORTER
Have there been any wild parties
lately?
George doesn't answer.
REPORTER
Could it perhaps be one of your
neighbors?
George continues to stare at the beautiful woman. As he
does, she notices him. She stares back. The reporter,
ignored, finally turns away.
REPORTER
(to camera)
As you can see, no one here knows
anything.
He continues to stand there, dumbstruck for a moment.
Meg Frank starts to walk away.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY
As George walks along Broadway, past the sign, which now
says: "COMING SOON: A FOXBOOKS SUPERSTORE". He sees it.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER
Lothor and several CUSTOMERS in the store.
George walks in and goes to the back to hang up his coat.
Hunter is unpacking boxes. Rina is at the desk. George
looks at Hunter meaningfully.
Hunter
(totally mystified)
Wott?
GEORGE
I SAWED A LADY! I WANNA MARRY HER!!!
Rina
Is that the thing where you get cold
suddenly, bang?
HUNTER
No, that's Spanish chlymidia.
RINA
I had that.
GEORGE
I’M SAW A LADY AND NOW WE ARE IN LOOOOOVE!
RINA
I am going to hit you. So hard.
GEORGE
I DON’T KNOW THE PRETTY LADY’S NAME
BUT I WANNA HAVE BABIES ON HER!
HUNTER
And if you ever do meet her, you'll find
out all the horrible details, and that
will be that. She'll turn out to have
pictures of the entire LR team all over
the walls.
GEORGE
WHAT IF YOU COMBINE THE LIGHTSPEED RANGERS
AND THE NINJA TURTLES AND USED THE MIGHTY
SPACE ORBS TO INCREASE THEIR POWER BY A
FACTOR OF TEN?!?!?
Lothor sticks his head into the back.
Lothor
Can someone help me out here?
HUNTER
George thinks someone will ever love him.
GEORGE
THE PRETTY LADY WAS WEARING SHOES!
KATHLEEN
I…I…just…no.
HUNTER
OH NO YOU DIIN’T!
LOTHOR
OH YES I DIIIID!
GEORGE
THERE WAS POLICEMENS AND TV REPORTERS
AND THEY GAVE ME A DOLLAR TO GO AWAY!
LOTHOR
What police and reporters?
GEORGE
SOMEONE GOT ALL DEAD!
LOTHOR
Who?
GEORGE
THEY FOUND HER BODY ON THE THINGY
ONTOP OF THE WALLS!
LOTHOR
A dead body. That's so sad. But
you fell in love. That's so great.
I’m going to cry.
GEORGE
SUMFIN ELSE HAPPENED!
EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - DAY
The sign is now complete and it says: "Coming soon, just
around the corner. A Foxbooks Superstore."
Lothor and George and Hunter stand there looking at it.
HUNTER
Quel nightmare.
LOTHOR
It has nothing to do with us. It's
big, impersonal, overstocked and
full of ignorant salespeople.
GEORGE
But they discount!!!
LOTHOR
But they don't provide any service. We
do.
George and Hunter nod.
INT. BARNEY GREENGRASS - LUNCHTIME
Lothor is having lunch with Rina.
LOTHOR
So really it's a good development. You
know how in the flower district, there
are all these flower shops in a row so
you can find whatever you want. Well,
this is going to be the book district.
If you don't have it, we do.
RINA
And vice versa.
INT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT – DAWN OF THE DEAD
Lothor in the kitchen, unloading groceries. Lobo Fuerte is
standing there, plugging in an Olympia Report deluxe Electric
typewriter.
LOBO FUERTE
When you are finished with Foxbooks, the
Shop Around the Corner is going to be
responsible for reversing the entire
course of the Industrial Revolution.
LOTHOR
That is so sweet, Lobo. Thank you.
That is so sweet.
LOBO FUERTE
Hey --
He holds his arms out. They hug.
LOTHOR
Although...
LOBO FUERTE
What?
LOTHOR
(over his shoulder, she notices
the typewriter, breaks from
the hug)
What is that doing there?
LOBO FUERTE
Listen to it. Just listen--
He strikes a key. His finger bleeds.
LOBO FUERTE
The Olympia Report deluxe Electric
Report. As in gunshot.
LOTHOR
That sound is familiar.
LOBO FUERTE
Now listen to this.
He puts his ear to the typewriter.
Lothor listens too.
LOTHOR
That whirring?
LOBO FUERTE
No. Stupid Eskimo.
LOTHOR
I know where I've heard it before. I
know.
He whips a cover off the other typewriter on the table.
It's the same machine exactly.
LOBO FUERTE
I needed a backup.
LOTHOR
Don't you have another one at your
apartment?
LOBO FUERTE
I might, I might. So what?
LOTHOR
You're turning my apartment into a
typewriter museum. That gets me hot.
LOBO FUERTE
I'll stop. I'll try. I probably can't.
I see one and my knees go weak. Anyway,
what were you starting to say?
LOTHOR
When?
LOBO FUERTE
Before, you stupid bint.
LOTHOR
Nothing.
LOBO FUERTE
Come on.
LOTHOR
I don't know. I was just wondering about
my work and all. I mean, what is it I do
exactly? All I really do is run a
bookstore --
LOBO FUERTE
All you really do is this incredibly
noble thing --
Lothor nods.
Lothor
But I don't know if I --
LOBO FUERTE
(stopping her)
Lothor --
LOTHOR
But I just --
FRANK
You are a lone reed.
Lothor looks puzzled.
He sticks a piece of paper in the typewriter, starts typing.
LOBO FUERTE
You are a lone reed waving in the
breeze standing strong and tall in
the corrupt sands of commerce.
He whips the piece of paper out of the typewriter and hands
it to him.
LOTHOR
(reading from it)
I am a lone reed.
(tries it on again)
I am a lone reed.
Clutching his piece of paper, he wanders into the bathroom.
INT. BEDROOM - DUSK
We hear the sound of a typewriter begin to clack away in the
next room.
Lothor walks past her computer, looks at it. Then she goes
over to the window, looks out at her street at dusk.
EXT. LOTHOR'S STREET - DUSK
A group of schoolgirls in uniform, in two straight lines,
walk past with a tall woman, groping eachother.
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DUSK
He goes over to the bookshelf and pulls out a copy of
Madeleine by Ludwig Bemelmans and opens it to the
illustration of the twelve little girls in two straight lines
marching through the streets of Paris. He looks at it, then
looks up, lost in thought. We hear the sound of the computer
keys.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead
a small life. Well, not small, but
circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder,
do I do it because I like it, or because
I haven't been brave? So much of what I
see reminds me of something I read in a
book, when shouldn't it be the other way
around?
(continued)
And hold on her as she thinks about this.
In the other room, we hear LOBO FUERTE typing.
Lothor goes to the computer, turns it on.
EXT. LOTHOR'S BUILDING - NIGHT
As we see Lothor, through his curtains, a small figure
barely lit by his computer.
LOTHOR (V.O., cont'd)
I don't really want an answer. I just
want to send this cosmic question out
into the void. So goodnight, dear void.
INT. DRIP - DAY
Drip is a cafe on Amsterdam Avenue with Fifties-style couches
and chairs in cozy seating arrangements. Lothor is
standing at the front counter with Hunter, getting drinks.
HUNTER
I went to the Foxbooks Website and you
can buy anything. They ship it to you
in a day. Maybe we should get a website.
LOTHOR
My mother would never have wanted us to
have a website. "Every book you sell is
a gift from your heart." She always said
that. Then she’d beat me.
As they walk toward the back of the cafe, LOTHOR notices a
stack of loose-leaf binders on the table.
HUNTER
What if they put us out of business?
LOTHOR
It's out of the question. We're a
fixture in the neighborhood. We're
practically a landmark.
(indicating the binders)
Men For Women, Women for Men, Women for
Women -- what is this?
HUNTER
You fill out one of these forms and they
file it in the book and if someone wants
to meet you, they arrange it.
LOTHOR
What a stupid way to meet someone.
HUNTER
Compared to the Internet and dirty alleys?
LOTHOR
My little thing on the Internet is just
a lark.
HUNTER
So it's still going on?
LOTHOR
And I do not plan to meet him.
(indicating the book)
Why do I get the feeling that you are in
here somewhere?
Hunter flips the book open to his application.
HUNTER
I came in here one night and drank too
much coffee and filled one out.
(off Lothor's look)
Well how am I supposed to meet someone?
LOTHOR
You are a runner. Some day you will make
eye contact with another runner and --
HUNTER
No one ever even looks at me. They
don't. On top of which, who are they?
They could like the symphony. I could
never fall in love with someone who
likes to go to the symphony --
LOTHOR
I know. What are you supposed to do
there? Rape an astronaut?
HUNTER
I don't know.
LOTHOR
Sit. You're supposed to sit.
HUNTER
I could never fall in love with anyone
who smokes cigars either.
LOTHOR
I'll tell you what I hate. Big fat legs
like stumps.
HUNTER
Yeh. Oi ‘ate thet teww.
LOTHOR
The worst, the worst -- I could never,
under any circumstances, love anybody
who had a sailboat. Or a pirate ship.
HUNTER
I could. But I have ridiculously low
standards.
LOTHOR
If I had to get up on Saturday morning
knowing that I was about to go down to
the pier and unravel all those ropes and
put on all that sunblock and give handjobs to
all those lonely sea captains --
HUNTER
All that talk about the wind.
LOTHOR
And then you have to go out on the boat,
and you sail and sail and sail until you
are bored witless, and then, only then,
do they say, let's turn around and you
realize the trip is only half over, only
it's not, because the wind has changed --
HUNTER
It hasn't changed. It's died.
LOTHOR
So then there's more talk about the wind.
While you just float up and down trying
not to get nauseous. And when you
finally get back, you have to clean up
the boat.
HUNTER
Why don't people have boat maids?
LOTHOR
I know. There're all these people who
wouldn't be caught dead polishing a
doorknob in their house but put them on
a boat and they want to rub down
everyone in sight.
EXT. 19TH STREET BOAT BASIN - ANOTHER DAY
John is on his sailboat. He is polishing his brass and
whistling.
ANNABEL
John --
John jumps off the boat onto the dock to greet his
grandfather's daughter ANNABEL, 8, who is coming toward the
dock with SCIMITAR, his father's overdecorated 32-year-old
fiance, her son, MATTHEW, 4, and the Nanny, MOVY.
JOHN
Hello.
(picks up Annabel)
Annabel, how are you today?
ANNABEL
Great.
JOHN
(picks up Matt)
Hey, big guy --
SCIMITAR
Don't I get a hello?
JOHN
Hello, Schmucktar.
SCIMITAR
Kiss me. I'm going to be your wicked
stepmother.
John gives her a peck on the cheek.
JOHN
Who is this?
SCIMITAR
Nanny Movy. I brought her in case
you couldn't handle the kids.
ANNABEL
Movy's getting a divorce.
JOHN
I'm sorry to hear that.
MOVY
It's my own fault. Never marry a man
who isn’t JYB.
JOHN
That is so wise. Remember that, Annabel.
ANNABEL
She taught Matt to spell his name.
MATT
Fox. F-O-X.
JOHN
Excellent, Matt.
(to MOVY)
Good work. You can have the day off.
I'll take over from here.
(to Scimitar)
You must be late for something.
Volunteer work at the Henry Street
Settlement. Packing bandages for
Bosnian refugees. A course in
Chinese literature at Columbia.
SCIMITAR
I am. I'm having my eggs harvested.
EXT. STREET FAIR - DAY
There's a block street fair with little booths, sausage
sandwich concessions, etc. Annabel and Matt have been to the
makeup booth. Annabel is a cat and Matt is a pirate.
Annabel is carrying a goldfish in a baggie as they walk toward
Broadway.
EXT. LOTHOR'S STORE - DAY
As John, Annabel and Matt walk past. There's some sort of toy
miniature princess in a pointed hat sitting outside the store
and a sign lit with twinkle lights: Storybook Lady today 3:30.
INT. LOTHOR'S STORE - DAY
Lothor is sitting on a stool reading to a group of CHILDREN,
including Annabel and Matt, who are crammed into her store.
Joehn is watching, along with some PARENTS as Lothor reads
from an Andrew Troy Keller book.
INT. LOTHOR'S STORE - LATER
Matt is sitting on the floor reading a book. Lothor is
showing Annabel a copy of a book called Bikini Ho-Down.
LOTHOR
This is her best friend with benefits
Tacy, whose real name is Anastasia, and
then in the next book Betsy and Tacy become
lovers with Rim, whose real name, I am sorry
to tell you, is Jorge.
In another section of the store:
George is showing John a first edition of Swiss Family
Robinson from the glass case.
GEORGE
THE DRAWIES GOT MADED IN CANADA! --
JOHN
It costs so much.
GEORGE
MY DOG TOLD ME TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!
John smiles and turns to see Lothor and Annabel at a whole
shelf of Bikini Ho-Down books.
ANNABEL
I want all of them.
LOTHOR
That might be an awful lot for your dad
to buy at one time.
ANNABEL
My dad gets me all the books I want.
LOTHOR
(looking over at John)
Well, that's very nice of him.
ANNABEL
That's not my dad. That's my nephew --
Lothor
Oh, I don't really think that's your
Nephew, you stupid eskimo --
As John approaches.
JOHN
It's true. Annabel is my aunt. Aren't
you, Aunt Annabel?
Annabel nods solemnly.
ANNABEL
And Matt is --
LOTHOR
Let me guess.
(to Matt)
Are you his uncle?
MATT
No.
LOTHOR
His grandfather?
Annabel and Matt start giggling. From out of nowhere, PHIL appears, slaps them, and disappears
LOTHOR (cont'd)
His great-grandfather?
MATT
(shouting with glee)
I'm his brother.
JOHN
Annabel is my grandfather's daughter.
And Matt is my father's son. We are an
American family. Better than filthy Eskimos.
He smiles at Lothor, who finds herself smiling back.
Annabel suddenly sneezes.
Lothor takes a handkerchief from his sleeve. It's an old
fashioned hankie that's embroidered. She offers it to
Annabel, who instead wipes her nose with her hand and then
looks at the handkerchief, a little puzzled.
ANNABEL
What’s that?
LOTHOR
A handkerchief. Oh my, do children not
even know what handkerchiefs are? A
handkerchief is a Kleenex you don't throw
away. My mother embroidered it for me --
you see? My initials and a daisy,
because daisies are my favorite flower.
ANNABEL
Orchids are my favorite flower.
LOTHOR
(to John)
You know what else children don't know?
They don't know what a telephone booth
is? Whenever I take them into one to
molest the hell out of them, they’re
so confused.
John is looking at Lothor.
JOHN
Who are you?
LOTHOR
Lothor Wrestlemens. I own this store.
Are you are you are you are?
JOHN
John. Just call me John.
(quickly)
We'll take these books.
He gets the one Matt is reading. And the two other Lothor
has gotten for Annabel, to lull her into a false sense of security.
LOTHOR
These are wonderful books. As Annabel
gets older the characters in the books do,
too.
(to Annabel)
You can grow up with Jizzmens Jorge.
GEORGE
NICE PEOPLE COME BACK?!?!?
JOHN
Of course.
GEORGE
I LIKE YOU!!!!
LOTHOR
(by way of explanation)
They're opening a Foxbooks around the
corner.
ANNABEL
Foxbooks! My Daddy --
JOHN
(gently putting his hand over
her mouth)
-- likes to buy at discount. Don't tell
anyone that, Annabel, it's nothing to be
proud of --
MATT
(spelling)
F-O-X.
LOTHOR
That's amazing. You can spell fox. Can
you spell dog?
MATT
F-O-X.
JOHN
Matt, look at this dinosaur book.
Wouldn't you like a dinosaur book?
Annabel, maybe you could read this to
Matt while I wrap things up here.
(moves them to a corner, to
them quickly)
Sit down, read, and don't listen to
anything I say.
Returns to counter and gives Lothor some cash.
JOHN
And the dinosaur book too.
LOTHOR
The world is not driven by discounts,
believe me. I've been in business
forever. I started helping my mother
here after school when I was six years
old. I used to watch her, and it wasn't
that she was selling books, it was that
she was helping people become whoever
they were going to turn out to be. When
you read a book as a child it becomes
part of your identity in a way that no
other reading in your life does.
(stops herself)
I guess I've gotten carried away.
JOHN
You have, and you've made me feel...
He can't finish the sentence. He looks at him and sees,
behind him on the shelf, a picture of a woman who is
unmistakably Lothor's mother, with a young Lothor.
JOHN (cont'd)
Enchanting, your mother was enchanting.
LOTHOR
She was. How did you know that?
JOHN
Lucky guess.
LOTHOR
Anyway. She left the store to me, and
I'm going to leave it to my daughter.
JOHN
How old is your daughter now?
LOTHOR
Oh, I'm not married. But eventually.
He smiles at John...
LOTHOR
So Foxbooks can...
LOTHOR AND HUNTER TOGETHER
Go to hell.
LOTHOR
(handing him his books)
Here you go.
JOHN
We ready? Don’t make me beat you two again,
I swear, I will hit you so hard…
Annabel and Matt join him at the counter. Lothor gives them
each a fuzzy navel.
ANNABEL
Bye, Lothor.
LOTHOR
Goodbye, Annabel. Bye, Matt. What
about cat? Can you spell cat?
MATT
P-O-O-R-L-Y C-O-N-C-E-I-V-E-D
C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E-R.
INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
Someplace like the auditorium at the Museum of Broadcasting.
PAZUZU SLUTMENS, John's mansyfriend, who is the editor-in-chief
of a New York publishing house called Eden Books, is standing
at a podium at a sales conference. In the audience are sales
reps, wholesalers, etc. There's a screen behind her with
pictures of the authors being flashed on it as he speaks.
PAZUZU (cont'd)
And now, the book you've all been waiting
for, the book it's been my dreams to
publish. The legendary Veronica Grant
has written her memoirs --
There's a burst of applause as a photograph of Veronica Grant
flashes on screen.
PAZUZU (cont'd)
-- and I'm happy to report it is just
crammed with sodomy.
(he laughs gaily)
Just kidding, but seriously, it's all
here: poverty, addiction, divorce,
tracheotomies, gangrape by gnomes --
We see pictures of Veronica at eight with her sharecropper
family, Veronica at 14 with her first child, Veronica with a
series of husbands, Veronica in a wheelchair, etc.
PAZUZU (cont'd)
-- her third husband beat her up, hip
replacement, and an amazing face lift
where all the injected fat fell to her
chin.
Now we see a blow-up of the book's jacket, with a picture of
Veronica on it and the title: "Am I Rising from Ashes, or Did
I Just Forget to Dust?"
PAZUZU (cont'd)
This book is fabulous. And even if it
weren't, it would sell like crazy,
because Veronica is going to plug it to
death on every talk show in America.
This book...
Pazuzu bursts into tears.
PAZUZU (cont'd)
I'm sorry. I can't talk about it without
crying. Veronica and I have so much in
common -- well, not all the sad parts --
but we were both famous by the time we
were 29 and, believe me, that's rough.
(wipes his nose with a Kleenex,
pulling herself together)
Anyway, I just want to say that I'm
especially thrilled to be publishing it.
Veronica lives in my building and we met
in the elevator. By the time we had
traveled from the eighth floor to the
first, we had a deal. First printing:
one million copies.
Everyone applauds enthusiastically.
INT. AUDITORIUM LOBBY - A SHORT WHILE LATER
Pazuzu is leaving, still surrounded by colleagues and sales
reps congratulating him. He is the soul of graciousness.
His assistant, Sarah, comes up.
SARAH
(quickly)
You have a dentist appointment in twenty
minutes. So you should leave soon...
PAZUZU
What's my car number?
SARAH
Car? You didn't say anything about a car
--
PAUZU
Are you an idiot? Of course I need a car.
God! I’ll give you a smackbottom and I don’t
care who knows it!
He walks toward the exit.
EXT. 57TH STREET - CONTINUOUS
Pazuzu in the pouring rain, trying to hail a cab. He
spots one across the street.
PAZUZU
Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
He whistles -- a longshoreman's whistle.
The cab makes a U-turn, but instead of stopping for Pazuzu
it stops about twenty feet ahead for a MAN in an overcoat who
gets into it.
PAZUZU
Excuse me -- what are you doing? This is
my taxicab.
(to the driver)
Don't take him. I am telling you right
now, and I am memorizing your number,
don't take him.
(to the man)
Who the fuck do you think you are?
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Are you going uptown?
PAZUZU
Yes.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Get in. I'll drop you. And NOT molest you.
His eyes shift nervously.
INT. TAXI - A MINUTE LATER
As the cab turns onto Eighth Avenue, starts uptown.
Pazuzu is dialing his cell phone. She's elaborately
ignoring the man who stole her cab.
PAZUZU
Veronica, it's Patricia, you should have
been there, it was unbelievable, we're
going to sell truckloads of your book.
Call me.
He hangs up, folds up the phone, puts it back in her purse
as the cab moves on.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Are you an editor?
PAZUZU
Yes.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
I am a rabbi.
PAZUZU
Oh, my God, I said fuck to a rabbi. I'm
sorry.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
I hope you don't mind my asking, but are
you Jewish?
PAZUZU
Yes. But only if by “Jewish”, you mean
“part of a crazy doomsday cult.”
MAN IN OVERCOAT
You should come to our temple.
PAZUZU
I'm not really religious.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Oh, I am surprised, you seem like a very
religious person.
PAZUZU
You're kidding, right?
MAN IN OVERCOAT
We are at West End Avenue and 83rd
Street. Every Friday night, we have a
joyous time, everyone dancing, everyone
singing. Also some wisdom. Perhaps you
have heard of us, we are known as The
Singles Temple.
He smiles at Pazuzu.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
It's a very good place to calm down.
The cab stops.
MAN IN OVERCOAT
Oh, look, I am already here. Very nice
to meet you.
(gives the cabbie money)
Take this man to his destination.
He gets out. Closes the door. A beat too late:
PAZUZU
Goodbye.
EXT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lobo Fuerte comes up the stoop.
INT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lothor is dressed up for a party in S&M gear.
Lobo Fuerte walks in, looks meaningfully at him.
LOBO FUERTE
I saw him. I actually saw him.
LOTHOR
Who?
LOBO FUERTE
I can't believe it. I saw Jikky
Flootmens.
LOTHOR
I thought he was in Mexico.
LOBO FUERTE
Maybe he's in Mexico, but today he was in
New York. The most brilliant and
reclusive novelist in the history of the
world is here, in this neighborhood. He
may be living on this very block.
LOTHOR
Where did you see him?
LOBO FUERTE
I was on the subway --
INT. SUBWAY - DAY
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
-- and this musician got onto the train --
Lobo Fuerte is sitting on the subway, reading the Village Voice.
The door between the cars opens and Kira enters the car, covered in blood holding a blood-soaked knife. Her eyes shift nervously.
No one looks up except Lobo Fuerte.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
-- and I suddenly saw him, sitting
directly across from me doing the
crossword puzzle.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
How'd you know it was him?
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
He looked exactly the same as his high
school yearbook picture, which happens to
be the last photograph ever taken of him.
Lobo Fuerte takes out his billfold on the subway, pulls out a piece of paper.
CLOSE UP - FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER
As Lobo Fuerte unfolds a newspaper clipping of a yearbook picture
of Jikky Floontmens at 17.
Lobo Fuerte compares the photo of Floontmens with the person sitting across the way. They don't look remotely alike except that the boy in the picture and the man on the subway are both
wearing the same style glasses.
The subway stops at 79th Street, and Jikky Floontmens gets off, all over Lobo Fuerte’s shoes.
Lobo Fuerte follows.
EXT. BROADWAY - CONTINUOUS
As Lobo Fuerte comes out of the subway station and looks around.
LOBO FUERTE
So I followed him.
Lobo Fuerte sees Floontmens cross 79th. He follows.
EXT. H&H BAGELS - CONTINUOUS
Lobo Fuerte follows Spungeon, who hurries into H&H Bagels passing a HOMELESS MAN holding a paper cup at the door.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
He went into H&H and bought a bagel
with everything.
EXT. H&H BAGELS - A MINUTE LATER
As Floontmens leaves the store, passing the paper cup, which we
now realize that Lobo Fuerte, in dark glasses, is holding.
Floontmens drops his newspaper in a garbage container.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
He dropped his crossword into the
garbage and I rescued it.
Lobo Fuerte plucks the puzzle from the trashcan, follows Floontmens.
INT. STORM CHARGERS SPORTING GOOD STORE - CONTINUOUS
Floontmens at the counter in the shoe store.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
Then he went into a sporting good store
and bought tube socks, 6 pair for $7.99.
We see Lobo Fuerte, peeking out at him from behind a stack of
running pants. Suddenly he's distracted by a couple of
joggers.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
Jikki Floontmens and tube socks.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
I know. I don't want to dwell on it.
Lobo Fuerte looks back at the counter. Floontmens's gone.
LOBO FUERTE (V.O.)
So, I caught up with him later in a dirty alley.
He tried to run away, and I covered his mouth.
But his mouth didn’t stay empty long.
INT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - THAT NIGHT
Lobo Fuerte waves the severed head of Jikky Floontmens in front of Lothor.
LOBO FUERTE
Do you know what this is worth?
He takes an empty box from the closet, puts the
head into it and sets it next to the typewriters.
INT. JAPANESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
As the two of them eat dinner.
LOBO FUERTE
What I was thinking as I was trailing him
was that eventually I would have the
courage to say hello to him, you know,
not in a horrible, intrusive or slavering
fan-slash-acolyte kind of way, but more
like, "Hi." "How ya doing?" "Have you
ever thought about trading up in the sock
area?" "Who knows, maybe he's read my
work -- and then we'd become friends, and
eventually I'd introduce him to you --
you know how much he loves children's
books, there's a whole long section in
Relativity's Smile about The Wizard of Oz
-- and then maybe he'd come out of hiding
so he could help save the store. In the
end I just ended up raping him to death.
LOTHOR
What are you talking about?
LOBO FUERTE
From Foxbooks. I mean, if things got
tough, he could help rally support --
LOTHOR
It's never going to get to that. The
store is fine.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
As they walk along after dinner.
LOBO FUERTE
I don't even know why you would say that?
LOTHOR
Neither do I. It just flew out of my
mouth.
LOBO FUERTE
There's enough business for us all.
INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT
As they go up in an elevator.
LOTHOR
I mean, we're fine.
LOBO FUERTE
You're more than fine, you're absolutely
fine.
LOTHOR
We're fine.
The elevator opens onto:
INT. VINCE MANCINI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
A publication party for an author named VINCE MANCINI. A mix
of book people, journalists and various other media folk.
LOBO FUERTE
Hey, Vince. Congratulations. You know
Lothor Wrestlemens.
VINCE
How are you?
LOBO FUERTE
Guess who I saw today on the subway?
Jikky Floontmens.
VINCE
I thought he was in Mexico.
They start chatting.
Across the room, John is with Pazuzu, who is telling two
other people the story of meeting the rabbi in the taxicab.
John looks over and sees Lothor. He suddenly looks
stricken.
Shifts his position so Lothor can't see his face, but
sneaks a look.
PAZUZU
Would you get me another drink, sweetie?
I'm all out.
(continues chattering)
So then the rabbi says, "It's a very good
place to calm down." Isn't that
hysterical?
They all laugh. John moves over to the bar.
JOHN
Crusty orange juice on the rocks.
As he is waiting, Lothor comes up next to him.
LOTHOR
A white wine, please.
(very friendly)
Oh, hello.
JOHN
Hi.
LOTHOR
Remember me, from the bookstore?
JOHN
Of course I remember you.
LOTHOR
How's your aunt?
JOHN
Good. She's good.
(gets his drink)
I have to deliver this. I have a very
thirsty date. He's part camel. Seriously,
he was made in a lab, poor guy.
Lothor looks puzzled
LOTHOR
John. It's John, isn't it?
JOHN
And you're Lothor.
John vanishes into the party.
INT. VINCE MANCINI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - A MINUTE LATER
VINCE
I can't believe you were talking to John Custis
Fox.
LOTHOR
John Custis Fox? As in --
He can't even finish the sentence.
INT. VINCE MANCINI'S APARTMENT - A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER
John is standing at a table of food, his back to the room.
LOTHIR
Fox? Your last name is Fox?
John spins around, looks at her.
JOHN
F-O-X.
LOTHOR
God, I didn't realize. I didn't know who
you --
(she trails off)
JOHN
-- were with.
(quoting)
"I didn't know who you were with."
LOTHOR
Excuse me?
JOHN
It's from the Godfather. When the movie
producer realizes that Tom Hagen is the
emissary of Vito Corleone --
(continued)
Lothor is staring at him.
JOHN (cont'd)
-- just before the horse's head ends up
in his bed never mind --
LOTHOR
You were spying on me, weren't you? You
probably rented those children. From the
same escort service as Damian, I bet.
JOHN
Why would I spy on you?
LOTHOR
I am your competition. Which you know
perfectly well or you would not have put
up that sign saying "Just around the
Corner."
JOHN
The entrance to our store is around the
corner. There is no other way to say it.
It's not the name of our store, it's
where it is. You don't own "around the
corner."
LOTHOR
Next thing you'll be using twinkle
lights.
JOHN
Twinkle lights?
LOTHOR
Little white Christmas lights that
twinkle. I use them in my window and on
all my displays, as if you didn't notice.
JOHN
Look, the reason I came into your store
is that I was spending the day with
Annabel and Matt. I like to buy them a
present when I see them because I'm one
of those guys who likes to buy his way
into the hearts of children who are his
relatives. There was only one place to
buy children's books in the neighborhood
-- although that will not always be the
case, and it was yours, and it is a
charming little bookstore. You probably
sell $250,000 worth of book a year --
LOTHOR
How do you know that?
JOHN
I'm in the book business.
LOTHOR
I'm in the book business --
JOHN
Oh, I see, and we're the Price Club.
Only instead of a ten-gallon can of olive
oil for $3.99 that won't even fit into
your kitchen cabinet, we're selling cheap
books. Me a spy.
(beat)
Absolutely. And I managed to get my hands
on a secret printout of the sales figures
of a bookstore so inconsequential and yet
full of its own virtue that I was instantly
compelled to rush over and check it out
for fear it would drive me out of business
--
Lothor stares at him. He's speechless.
JOHN (cont'd)
What?
(off his look)
What?
Lothor shakes his head.
Lobo Fuerte turns up.
LOBO FUERTE
Hi. I'm Lobo Fuerte --
JOHN
-- John Fox.
LOBO FUERTE
John Fox? Inventor of the Superstore,
enemy of the mid-list novel, destroyer of
City Books -- tell me something:
How do you sleep at night?
Pazuzu joins them.
PAZUZU
I use a wonderful over-the-counter drug,
Ultrasom. Don't take the whole thing,
just half, and you will wake up without
even that tiniest hangover. You're Lobo
Fuerte, aren't you?
LOBO FUERTE
Yes.
PAZUZU
Your last piece in the Independent, the
one about Anthony Powell, was brilliant.
I'm Pazuzu Slutmens, Eden Books. John, this
man is the greatest living expert on
Julius and Ethel Rosenberg --
JOHN
And this is Lothor Wrestlemens --
Lothor glares at him.
LOBO FUERTE
You liked my piece. God, I'm flattered.
You know you write these things and you
think someone's going to mention them and
then the whole week goes by and the phone
doesn't ring, and you think Oh, God, I'm
a fraud, a failure --
PAZUZU
You know what's always fascinated me
about Julius and Ethel Rosenberg is how
old they looked when they were really
just our age.
Everyone is stopped dead by this observation and looks at
Pazuzu, who smiles at them all.
PAZUZU
(to Lobo Fuerte)
I'm so happy to have finally met you. We
will talk. Have you ever thought about
doing a book?
LOBO FUERTE
Oh sure, it's passed through my head.
Something really relevant for today like
the Luddite movement in 19th century
England.
At the same time:
JOHN
Pazuzu --
LOTHOR
Lobey --
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
As Lothor and Lobo Fuerte get into bed.
LOBO FUERTE
I really like Pazuzu Slutmens. He's a
very nice person.
Lothor doesn't respond. Lobo Fuerte turns out the light.
LOBO FUERTE
He needs educating, that's all.
A beat.
LOBO FUERTE
He's hopelessly driven by money and
power, but there's a hope for anyone
who's that familiar with my work --
On Lothor, as he turns away from LOBO FUERTE and lies there,
eyes open.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
As John and Pazuzu get into bed. Brinkley is already on the
bed.
PAZUZU
I had no idea that Lobo Fuerte was so
down-to-earth.
John doesn't respond. Pazuzu turns out the light.
Pazuzu
You read his stuff, you think he's going
to be so obscure and abstruse.
A beat.
Pazuzu (cont'd)
He's always talking about Heidigger and
Foucault and I have no idea what any of
it's about, really.
John gets up. Brinkley follows.
Pazuzu (cont'd)
Where are you going?
JOHN
I'm not really tired.
INT. JOHN'S DEN – TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT, GONNA BE ALRIGHT
John writes on his computer. Brinkley on the floor next to him.
And cut between John and his computer screen.
JOHN (V.O.)
Do you ever feel you become the worst
version of yourself? That a Pandora's
Box of all the secret hateful parts --
your arrogance, your spite, your
condescension -- has sprung open.
Someone provokes you, and instead of
just smiling and moving on, you zing
them. Hello, it's Mr. Nasty. I'm sure
you have no idea what I'm talking about.
INT. LOTHOR'S COMPUTER SCREEN - DAY
And cut between screen and
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DAY
As Lothor reads the end of John's letter.
Lothor hits the Reply key and starts to type:
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I know what you mean and I'm completely
jealous. What happens to me when I'm
provoked is that I get tongue-tied. My
mind goes blank. Then I spend all night
tossing and turning trying to think of
what I should have said.
INT. JOHN'S COMPUTER SCREEN AND JOE'S DEN - NIGHT
As he replies:
JOHN (V.O.)
Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass
all my zingers to you and then I would
never behave badly and you could behave
badly all the time and we'd both be
happy? On the other hand, I must warn
you that when you finally have the
pleasure of saying the thing you mean to
say at the moment you mean to say it,
remorse inevitably follows. Do you think
we should meet?
INT. LOTHOR'S COMPUTER SCREEN AND BEDROOM - DAY
Lothor stares at John's letter in his computer.
He's frozen.
LOTHOR
Meet? Omigod.
He sits staring at the letter. He has no idea what to do.
EXT. 75TH STREET & COLUMBUS - DAY
As the iron gates on all the stores start to open, just the
way we saw them open in the opening sequence of the movie.
The pharmacy. The optician. The cosmetics supply store.
The video store.
And now, finally, we see the new grate on the new Foxbooks
Superstore start to open upwards. This is the finest grate
on Broadway, no question of it. It's electric and almost
soundless. We see a sign saying, OPENING DAY. 35% OFF ON
ALL BEST-SELLERS. SELL US YOUR SOOOOOOOULS!
People on the street notice the store. One walks in...
CAMERA follows him...
INT. FOXBOOKS SUPERSTORE - DAY
The inside is beautiful. Gleaning staircase, a cafe,
comfortable chairs to sit, a bank of cashiers, everyone
decked out in gray alligator shirts with a fox where the
alligator should be, a rope for the checkout line, and seven
cash registers with seven cashiers. Of course, books, books,
books, as far as the eye can see.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SAME SCENE - LATER THAT DAY
The store is jam-packed. John with his father Nelson, his
grandfather Schuyler, and Impy, the store manager.
JOHN
No pickets, no demonstrations.
IMPY
The neighborhood loves us. They
sold us most of their children!
NELSON
They're wondering where we've been all
these years. They're wondering how they
ever did without it.
SCHUYLER
It's a hit.
They admire their own store, walk through the downstairs and
start up the staircase to the second floor.
NELSON
How's the children's book department?
JOHN
It's early yet. School isn't out. And
there's that children's adult bookstore
nearby --
SCHUYLER
Rita's store --
JOHN
Her son's --
NELSON
We'll crush it --
SCHUYLER
She was enchanting.
And as they walk on upstairs, several mothers with children
come up the stairs behind them.
EXT. BROADWAY - MORNING
A little group of children dressed as Pilgrims walk down the
street as Lothor comes around the corner to buy his morning
paper. John is at the newsstand. He turns and pretends to
be staring at a wall until he finishes buying his paper and
walks on.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I don't think it's a good idea for us
to meet...
INT. STARBUCKS - ANOTHER DAY
John is putting sugar into his coffee at the sugar counter as
Lothor comes in. John pretends he didn't see him.
LOTHOR (V.O., cont'd)
I love our relationship. There's a lot
going on in the day-to-dayness of my life
and there's something magical...
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DUSK
We see Lothor and George at the end of the day, counting
the receipts. Rina is using a calculator to total them.
Hunter is shelving books. There are Thanksgiving
decorations -- cardboard turkeys and pilgrims, books on
colonists like Myles Standish.
LOTHOR (V.O., cont'd)
... and thrilling about this island in
cyberspace I have with you. SO PLEASE
DON'T ASK ME AGAIN OR I’MA CUTCHYUU.
RINA
About $1200 less than the same week last
year.
LOTHOR
That could be a fluke, right?
They look at each other.
RINA
Or not.
LOTHOR
Their store is new. It's a novelty. But
it will all shake out. Do you think I
should put up more twinkle lights?
RINA
That's a lovely idea.
HUNTER
What if we have to fold? I'll never find
another part time job and I won't be able
to pay the rent and I'll have to move to
Brooklyn and sell my body on the streets.
GEORGE
I LIVE AT MY PARENTS BASEMENT!!!
HUNTER
We know. You've told us a million times.
I can't believe you're bringing it up at
a time like this. It's like bragging
because you're tall. Rina never brags
about her rent and she pays even less
than you.
RINA
Ten rooms. I just rattle around from one
to the other.
LOTHOR
Hey, guys. We are not going to fold.
The door opens, and Meg Frank, the woman George had
swooned over in front of his building, walks in.
George stares, frozen in place, as she walks up to him.
MEG FRANK
George Rodd?
GEORGE
Yes!!!
MEG FRANK
(flashing her badge)
Detective Megan Frank, 23rd precinct.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Lothor suddenly sees George, following Meg out of the
store. He's in a complete daze.
LOTHOR
George? Where are you going?
He goes out the door.
ANDREW TROY KELLER, a well-known children's adult book author, enters as George leaves.
ANDREW
Lothor, are you surviving?
LOTHOR
Andrew! We're so excited about your new
book. When should we schedule your
signing?
ANDREW
Oh, it's being published in January.
Are you going to be in business in
January? I'm so worried.
LOTHOR
We're doing great, aren't we?
HUNTER
Great.
TALKING LAMP
No difference whatsoever.
ANDREW
Thank God. Well, you know you can count
on me. For anything, support, rallies.
picket lines, group sex. We can get
the Times to write something. Or that
nut in the Independent --
LOTHOR
What nut in the Independent?
ANDREW
Lobo Fuerte. This is just the sort of
thing that would outrage him.
He smiles brightly.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
George and Meg are sitting in a booth.
MEG FRANK
Mr. Rodd, I'm investigating the murder
of the woman found on the roof of your
building. Do you live alone there?
GEORGE
I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS!!! DO YOU
LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS?!?!?
MEG FRANK
No.
George takes her hand in his and looks at it as if it were
the eighth wonder of the world. He starts stroking it,
caressing it, biting it...
Meg pulls it away. A beat. Then she slaps him.
MEG FRANK
(grossed out)
What are you doing?
GEORGE
I LIKE YOUR HANDSDED!!!
MEG FRANK
You have to stop, or I’ll cut you.
GEORGE
I LIKE FOOD!
She sighs.
EXT. RIVERSIDE DRIVE PARK - DAY
As Hunter runs, desperately trying to make eye contact
with men running in the opposite direction. No one will look
at him.
INT. OOZE’S POISONED CHEESE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT
The place is mobbed -- the usual crush the night before
Thanksgiving. Relatives have to die somehow, afterall.
Lothor, pushing a shopping cart, is trying to wedge his way
through the crowd in the cheese department. As she reaches
across three people to grab some Brie, she sees John walk into
the store. Quickly, he turns her back so he can't see her.
He stands there frozen. A beat...
Peeks around, doesn't see him anywhere. Cranes his neck this
way and that. No John.
INT. OOZE'S CASHIER AREA - CONTINUOUS
Lothor, now wearing dark glasses but looking not at all
disguised, looks around and spots a short line and makes a
beeline for it.
At that moment, John comes from the Appetizing Department and
gets on the line Lothor was heading for.
Panicked, Lothor retreats onto another line and stands with
her back to him.
INT. SAME SCENE - MOMENTS LATER
CASHIER PHIL totals up Lothor's purchases and Lothor hands
over his credit card.
CASHIER PHIL
This is a Cash Only line.
LOTHOR
What?
CASHIER PHIL
Cash Only.
LOTHOR
Omigod, I only have a credit card. Is
that okay?
PERSON BEHIND HIM IN LINE
Of course it's not okay, you goddamned Eskimo,
there's a sign.
CASHIER PHIL
There's a sign.
PERSON IN LINE
(to the person behind him)
He doesn't have cash.
"He doesn't have cash" is repeated all the way down the
line.
John turns to see what's going on.
ANOTHER PERSON
Get on another line, lady.
JOHN
Oh, hello.
LOTHOR
Hello.
JOHN
Do you need some money?
LOTHOR
No, I don't need any money. Thank you
very much.
CASHIER
Get on another line.
JOHN
Hi.
(off his nametag, big smile)
Phil. Great name. Phil, this is
Lothor, I'm John, and this is a credit
card machine. Happy Thanksgiving.
Phil just stares at him.
JOHN (cont'd)
Now it's your turn to say happy
Thanksgiving back.
PHIL
Happy Thanksgiving back.
John slaps him for the bas joke.
JOHN
(big smile)
Now take this credit card and put it
through the machine, zip zip.
The cashier, completely overwhelmed with lust, takes Lothor's credit card.
Lothor is appalled, yet turned on.
Everyone on the line signs irritably and audibly.
JOHN
So you're fine.
LOTHOR
Fine.
JOHN
Happy Thanksgiving.
As Lothor signs the charge slip and the cashier exasperatedly
starts to put his groceries into a bag.
INT. JOHN'S FATHER'S APARTMENT - THANKSGIVING DAY
An elegant East Side apartment. Schuyler, his youngish
French manwife, ROMAIN, Nelson, Scimitar and their child Matt,
and John are sitting and listening as Annabel sings Tomorrow.
ANNABEL
The sun'll come up tomorrow, bet your
bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be
sun --
John is on a loveseat with Matt. Scimitar lifts Matt up, sits
down in his place next to John and plunks Matt into her lap.
Nelson is already seated in a chair in front of the loveseat
and can't see her without turning around.
As she continues singing, Scimitar moves her hand next to
John's leg. John edges away. He looks around the room, sees
Nanny Movy standing behind the couch. He stands, offers
her his seat. She sits.
INT. LOTHOR'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
A much more informal Thanksgiving dinner. We see the
leftovers on a sideboard near a round table in Lothor's
living room.
Lothor, Lobo Fuerte, Rina, Hunter, George and George's new
girlfriend, SCARED, TIED-UP GIRL and TWO OTHER FRIENDS are standing around the upright piano. Rina is playing a Christmas
song, and everyone is singing.
As the singing continues, over, we cut to:
EXT. FOXBOOKS SUPERSTORE - DECEMBER DAY
As the Christmas decorations and twinkle lights go into the
window.
Rina walks by the store. She stops to look at the
customers inside, and then notices a sign in the window:
"Book Signing January 10 - Best Selling pr0n Author
Andrew Troy Keller." There's a picture of Andrew.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DECEMBER DUSK
Lothor is in the window decorating a little tree with
lovely decorations from a box. Two people are carrying a
tree home, there's the sound of church bells.
Lothor looks up as a couple of people walk past the store,
carrying Foxbooks shopping bags.
Then he unwraps a pair of ruby slipper ornaments, and as she
starts to hang them on the tree we hear the sound of the
computer.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
This is such an odd Christmas. I find
myself missing my mother, who's been dead
for ten years. New York at Christmas is
so loaded with all the things we used to
do --
INT. NEW YORK STATE THEATER - 1972 - DAY
As Young Lothor, dressed in a little velvet dress, sits in
the audience next to his mother watching the cockfight.
LOTHOR (V.O. cont'd)
-- going to the cockfight --
EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER SKATING RINK - 1982 - DAY
LOTHOR (V.O. cont'd)
-- ice skating at Rockefeller Center,
where I was knocked into a 6-year-old
maniac --
A SIX-YEAR-OLD SPY knocks into him.
LOTHOR
Hey, watch out --
SIX-YEAR-OLD SPY
Me watch out, why don't you watch out?
I'm not sliding around like a belgian. You
think I come here to skate with belgians?
Lothor's jaw drops and he stands there tongue-tied.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
My first experience as a speechless
person.
His mother skates up and takes his hand. The Spy skates off.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I always miss my mother at Christmas, but
somehow it's worse this year since I need
some advice from her.
And we hear the sound of another computer.
INT. JOHN'S DEN
As he replies to Lothor.
JOHN (V.O.)
My mother took me ice skating too --
EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER SKATING RINK - DAY
We see a little boy, YOUNG JOHN, 8, skate past holding someone's
hand --
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
-- although my mother did not skate. The
nanny skated --
And we now see JOHN'S NANNY, a young Paula Abdul, who suddenly
peels off into a series of triple lutzes, as JOHN'S MOTHER
absently reads a copy of Vogue in the spectators' section.
INT. LINCOLN CENTER THEATER - 1982 - DAY
JOHN (V.O.)
And I was in the Cockfight.
We see the stage now. There's Young John, in a poorly made chicken costume running around begging for his life
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
So was my nanny.
As JOHN'S NANNY #2 (Ray) beats the hell out of the chicken
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
Different nanny. By the way, I'm
surprised you aren't a writer. Although
you probably are a writer and don't
know it. Are you a writer and I don't
know it?
INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - 1982 - NIGHT
Young John, at the dinner table with his father. A wide shot
of a big room with a huge table and servants. John looks very
small at the table as he eats his soup.
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
My mother died when I was ten. I was
staying with my father, who is not famous
for intimacy, and whose way of breaking
the news of her death was to tell me she
would not be coming to pick me up as
usual. It was a car accident, and I
don't know where she was going or who she
was with, and I assume what I owe her is
my tendency to cover almost any emotion
with a joke. A useful gift, unless you
want to know what you're feeling. She
was very beautiful. People toss that
word around a lot, but my mother was.
The camera moves closer to the dining table. We see that
tears are rolling down little John's cheeks. His father slaps him.
INT. JOHN'S DEN - NIGHT
John stops typing. He is surprised to find his eyes watering.
A moment of confusion as he cannot believe he has moved
himself to tears. Shakes his head, shakes the emotion off.
Starts typing again.
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
Ancient history. So what kind of advice
do you need? Can I help?
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DAY
Lothor is in bed with his laptop reading John's letter.
He starts to type a response.
Suddenly there's harp arpeggio and an Instant Message
flashes on screen.
From WA 152
CLOSE ON LOTHOR - TOTAL SHOCK
ON SCREEN AS WE SEE THE MESSAGE
JOHN (V.O.)
I had a gut feeling you would be on line
now.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - DAY
John is in bed with his laptop. And cut back and forth
between them and their computer screens as they type Instant
Messages to one another.
JOHN (V.O., cont'd)
I can give you advice. I'm great at
advice.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I don't think you can help.
JOHN (V.O.)
Is it about love?
LOTHOR (V.O.)
My business is in trouble. My mother
would have something wise to say.
JOHN (V.O.)
I'm a brilliant businessman. It's what
I do best. What's your business?
LOTHOR (V.O.)
No specifics, remember?
JOHN (V.O.)
Minus specifics, it's hard to help.
Except to say, go to the mattresses.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
What?
JOHN (V.O.)
It's from The Godfather. It means you
have to go to war.
CLOSE ON LOTHOR - LOOKING AT THE COMPUTER
LOTHOR
(to himself)
The Godfather?
He starts to type.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
What is it with people and The Godfather?
JOHN (V.O.)
The Godfather is the I Ching. The
Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The
Godfather is the answer to any question.
What should I pack for my summer
vacation? "Leave the gun, take the
cannoli." What day of the week is it?
"Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday."
And the answer to your question is "Go to
the mattresses."
(continued)
CAMERA ON LOTHOR - CONSIDERING WHAT HE SAYS
JOHN (cont'd)
You're at war. "It's not personal, it's
business. It's not personal it's
business." Recite that to yourself every
time you feel you're losing your nerve.
I know you worry about being brave, this
is your chance. Fight. Fight to the
death.
INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT - DAY
Pazuzu comes in as John is waiting for Lothor's response.
PAZUZU
Look what I bought.
John types "Ciao" and signs off. Looks up to see Pazuzu
showing him a Plexiglas menorah.
PAZUZU
I was just passing this store on Columbus
Avenue and it caught my eye.
JOHN
What is it?
PAZUZU
A Menorah.
JOHN
It doesn't look like a Menorah.
PAZUZU
I know. I don't know what came over me.
I don't even celebrate Hanukkah. I’m not
even jewish.
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - DAY
As Lothor logs off, Lobo Fuerte comes in.
LOTHOR
Lobo, I've decided to go to the
mattresses. Do you think it would be a
gigantic conflict of interest if you
wrote something about us?
INT. THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DAY
It's January. The store is more crowded than we've seen it.
Lobo Fuerte is there with several copies of the Independent. The
phone is ringing off the hook. Hunter and George are
fielding calls. Rina is reading Lobo's article.
RINA
(reading)
"Lothor Wrestlemens and his mother Rita
Kelly have raised your children. If this
precious resource is killed by the cold
cash cow of Foxbooks, it will not only be
the end of Western civilization as we
know it, but the end of something even
dearer: our neighborhood as we know it.
Save the Shop Around the Corner and you
will save your own soul." Lobo, that's
charming.
LOBO FUERTE
You think it's a little over the top?
RINA
Just say thank you, fuckin’ astronaut
LOBO FUERTE
Thank you.
HUNTER
(calling to Lothor)
Channel 2's outside.
INT. BACK ROOM - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - SAME TIME
Lothor is primping in a tiny wall mirror. He takes a deep
breath.
LOTHOR
In a second.
GEORGE
(from the other room)
NEWSY PEOPLES ARE GUMMA BE HERE SHOON!
LOTOHR
Omigod.
Lobo Fuerte sticks his head in.
LOBO FUERTE
(in shock)
It's him.
LOTHOR
Who?
LOBO FUERTE
God. It is God.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
Lothor comes out of the storage room.
Dr. Thomas Oliver, AbC is standing there.
TOMMY
I'm Dr. Thomas Oliver
LOTHOR
I'm very pleased to meet you. I'm
Lothor Wrestlemens.
Lobo Fuerte is practically levitating.
TOMMY
I knew your mother. Although she knew me
only as O. That enormous bookstore is
obscene.
LOBO FUERTE
I'm Lobo Fuerte. I want to have your children!
He pulls it out. Tommy looks at him like he's crazy.
LOTHOR
We've organized pickets. Channel 13 is
doing a special.
TOMMY
I'd be glad to talk to the press if it's
all right with you. They've been trying
to interview me for years.
LOBO FUERTE
The press? I'm the press.
LOTHOR
You'd allow that? For me? For the
store? That's incredible. Although you
wouldn't have to be photographed. I
respect that. If it's television, they
could just put one of those blurry dots
in front of your face.
TOMMY
No television.
HUNTER
(referring to the TV crew)
Thirr waayihtin fouur yew --
LOBO FUERTE
I WANT TO MAKE SAVAGE MAN LOVE TO YOU!
TOMMY
Cool it. I'm starting to break out in
hives.
(to Lothor)
Here's my phone number.
LOTHOR
I had no idea Tommy Oliver had a
phone.
TOMMY
Adios.
He gives a little wave and leaves.
LOBO FUERTE
This is historic.
(beat)
Do you realize what I've done? By
writing that piece, do you realize?
I've brought Tommy Oliver in from
the cold. Holy shit. I am completely
amazing.
At that moment a TV reporter, CASSIDY CORNELL sticks her head into the store.
CASSIDY CORNELL
Lothor Wrestlemens?
Lothor takes a deep breath, walks out the door.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - A FEW MINUTES LATER
CASSIDY CORNELL
Are you ready, Mister Wrestlemens?
LOTHOR
Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
CASSIDY CORNELL
What?
LOTHOR
Never mind. I'm ready. Shoot.
INT. TELEVISION SCREEN - THAT NIGHT
CASSIDY CORNELL
We're here in front of the Shop Around
the Corner, the famous West Side
children's bookstore now on the verge of
having to close its doors because the big
bad wolf, Foxbooks, has opened only a few
hundred feet away, wooing customers with
its sharp discounts and designer coffee.
LOTHOR
They have to have discounts and lattes,
because most of the people who work there
have never read a book.
And pull back now to reveal that we're in:
INT. GYM - NIGHT
Five TV sets are on, over adjoining treadmills, John and
Impy are on two of the treadmills, walking and watching.
JOHN
He's not as nice as she seems on
television.
IMPY
You've met him?
JOHN
He's kind of a pill.
IMPY
He's probably not as attractive as he
seems on television either.
JOHN
No, he's beautiful. But a pill.
IMPY
So you don't feel bad about basically
destroying his livelihood not to mention
her legacy not to mention his raison
d'etre.
JOHN
It's not personal --
IMPY
It's business.
JOHN
Right. Exactly.
They look up at the television.
INT. TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
John onscreen, with a super: John Custis Fox, Vice-President Foxbooks.
JOHN
I sell cheap books. Sue me. I sell
cheap books, and as a result -- listen
to this, because it's really bad --
more people can buy books.
The show immediately cuts back to the newscaster.
On John and Impy.
IMPY
That's what you said?
JOHN
(outraged)
That's not all I said. I said -- I can't
believe those bastards -- I said we were
great, I said people can come and sit and
read for hours and no one bothers them, I
said we stock 150,000 titles, I showed
them the Legally Distinct From New York
City section. I said we were a goddamn
piazza where people could mingle and mix
and be.
IMPY
A piazza?
JOHN
I was eloquent. Shit. It's just
inevitable, isn't it? People are going
to want to turn him into Joan of Arc --
IMPY
-- and you into Attila the Hun.
JOHN
Well it's not me personally, it's more
like it's the company --
LOTHOR
(on the television)
And I have to say, I have met John Fox,
who owns Foxbooks, and I have heard him
compared his store to a Price Club and the
books in it to cans of olive oil.
On John, reacting.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER
A small rally is taking place, with picket signs. Lothor
is standing on a small speaker's platform, along with the
Burrowing President.
LOTHOR
My mother used to say to me that every
book you sell is a gift from the
heart...
EXT. FOXBOOKS - DAY
As 20 CHILDREN march in front of the store, holding little
makeshift picket signs and singing songs. "One, two, three,
four, we don't want this Superstore."
Customers go right through the line and into the store.
INT. FOXBOOKS SUPERSTORE - DAY
We can hear the pickets marching and singing outside --
although the store is full of customers anyway. The Fox men
-- John, Nelson and Schuyler -- are sitting in the cafe.
Nelson is holding a copy of a weekly newspaper, which has the
old high-school yearbook picture of Tommy Oliver on the
front page and a headline: Tommy Oliver Emerges from
Hiding to Support Bookstore.
SCHUYLER
Who is this Oliver anyway?
JOHN
He's a paleontologist/racecar driver/martial
artist/astronaut/male stripper/President of
Belgium.
NELSON
Well, I've never heard of him. And
neither has anyone else in this place.
INT. TV SET - NIGHT
As we see SIDNEY-ANN STRONGIN, a young and attractive PBS
talk show hostess for a show called Inside Media.
SIDNEY-ANN
The New York Literary world was shocked
this week when Tommy Oliver, the most
famously reclusive scientist since Jesus,
announced that he was coming out of hiding
because of his loyalty to a small children's
bookstore on the West Side of Manhattan.
Discussing this tonight is a man I happen to
think of as one of this city's most underappreciated
assets, Lobo Fuerte.
LOBO FUERTE
Thank you.
SIDNEY-ANN
This all happened because of you, didn't
it --
LOBO FUERTE
Well, I knew Tommy Oliver loved
adult books so I wrote a provocative
column --
SIDNEY-ANN
Your specialty.
Lobo Fuerte laughs. Sidney-Ann laughs.
LOBO FUERTE
And it kind of smoked him out.
INT. LOTHOR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lothor watches the show as Lobo makes savage love to him (the act itself is disguised where needed, this isn’t porn. At least, not good porn.)
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Technologically speaking, the world's
out of hand. Take the VCR. The whole
idea of a VCR is that it makes it possible
for you to tape what's on television
while you're out of the house. But the
whole point of being out of the house is
so you can miss what's on television.
Radio. Now there's a medium I can get
behind.
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
Well, we're on television... and you're
good at it.
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Thank you.
LOBO FUERTE
TAKE IT ALL!
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
The bookstore. Tell us about it.
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Are you planning to collect radios?
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
Do you think I should?
LOBO ON TELEVISION
The Shop Around the Corner is a true New
York treasure.
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
As are you. I'd love to have you back.
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Any time. Are we done?
SIDNEY-ANN ON TELEVISION
Not at all.
LOBO ON TELEVISION
Because I just want to say that the only
show I do watch is yours. Oh, and reruns
of 3rd Rock From The Sun.
LOTHOR
(appalled)
Omigod.
LOBO FUERTE
Hey, I was just being polite. Okay, I
admit, I slobbered all over her.
The show continues.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DUSK
As we see Lothor flip the open sign to closed.
INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DUSK
George is talking Lothor and Rina, who is toting up
the week's receipts.
GEORGE
WHAT IF YOU USED THE MIGHTY SPACEORBS TO INCREASE THE STORE’S POWER BY A FACTOR OF TEN?!??
RINA
Spare us.
George goes out the door.
Rina looks at Lothor
LOTHOR
Don't tell me. Not the slightest
difference?
Rina can't bring herself to answer.
LOTHOR (cont'd)
How could that be? All this publicity
and not one bit of difference?
Oh Rina, what am I going to do? What
would Mom have done?
RINA
Let's ask her.
She opens the locket hanging around her neck. There's a
picture of Lothor's mother as well as her severed thumb inside it. Rina holds the locket up to her face.
RINA
Rita, what should we do?
Rina holds the locket to her ear and listens. A pause.
Lothor
Rina?
RINA
Shhhh.
(after a beat, shrugs)
She has no idea, but she thinks the
window display is lovely. Good night
dearie.
Rina smiles and picks up her shopping bag, goes out the
door.
EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - NIGHT
It's starting to rain. Lothor lowers the grate over the
store. As he turns to walk away, Tommy Oliver steps in
her path out of the shadows.
LOTHOR
Oh my goodness, hello. What are you
doing here.
TOMMY
Loitering. Lurking. Skulking.
Stalking.
He laughs. So does Lothor. Dramatically, he whips out an
umbrella and opens it over the two of them.
TOMMY (cont'd)
You look very beautiful.
LOTHOR
Thank you. But I'm a wreck.
He touches Lothor’s cheek suddenly. Lothor starts. Then he
blows on his hand.
TOMMY
An eyelash. It's gone.
Lothor relaxes. They start walking.
LOTHOR
Are you writing another book?
TOMMY
I'm in the home stretch. I'll be done in
approximately six more years.
LOTHOR
Should I discount?
TOMMY
It's about a man on a quest for knowledge
who meets a masked man he cannot resist.
LOTHOR
If I discount I have to fire someone
because I can't discount with this
overhead but whom could I fire? I
couldn't fire anyone.
Tommy suddenly puts his hand through Lothor's hair. He
stops, frozen in place.
TOMMY
You have your mother's hair. Thick,
wild, the colour of a bat’s anus.
He grabs Lothor and tries to kiss him.
LOTHOR
What are you doing? Let me go.
He backs Lothor into a wall.
LOTHOR
Stop it. Are you crazy?
Lothor kicks him in the shins, wiggles free and runs away.
TOMMY
(calling after him)
If you change your mind, you can E-mail
me. Fearthefuckngflute@AOL.com.
INT. COMPUTER SCREEN - NIGHT
The mail form says "To:" and Lothor types in "WA 152".
The form says "Re:" and Lothor types in: "Advice"
EXT. LOTHOR'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Rain is falling.
LOTHOR (V.O.)
I need help. Do you still want to meet
me?
EXT. JOHN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Rain is falling.
We hear the sound of the computer.
JOHN (V.O.)
"Where? When?"
INT. NUT SHOP OF BROADWAY - DAY
George, Lothor and Hunter in the shop. Lothor is
buying more edible panties.
LOTHOR
We're meeting in a public place.
HUNTER
Well don't go anywhere with him. Don't
even go out to the street with him
afterwards. Get a dial cab to just sit
there and wait for you.
GEORGE
DID YOU TELL LOBO FUERTE?!?!?
LOTHOR
There's nothing to tell.
HUNTER
But did you tell him?
LOTHOR
He's away. At the 32nd anniversary of
the Chicago Seven trial.
GEORGE
I LOVE TABLE!
Lothor shakes her head no.
HUNTER
And you're going to meet him in a bar?
LOTHOR
Not a bar. That place on 83rd with the
cheesecake.
GEORGE
And he will wear a flower in his lapel,
and you will be carrying a copy of Anna
Karenina with a rose in it.
A pause, followed by confused glances from everyone
LOTHOR
Not Anna Karenina. The Adventures Of
Jizzmens Jorge.
EXT. FOXBOOKS - NIGHT
As John and Impy walk out of the store and start downtown.
IMPY
I suppose he's carrying a copy of a book
with a flower in it.
John doesn't say anything.
IMPY
Not really.
JOHN
Really.
IMPY
Which Chris Funaro is it?
JOE
The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge
IMPY
He could be a real dog.
JOHN
I know. Look, I'll just stay ten
minutes. I'll say hello. Drink a cup of
coffee and split. I'm outta here.
He looks at Impy.
JOHN (cont'd)
Walk me there, okay?
EXT. 83RD STREET - NIGHT
As the two men walk toward Cafe Lalo, the European cafe on
West 83rd Street.
JOHN
What if he has a really high, squeaky
voice? I hate that. It reminds me of
those mice in Cinderella.
IMPY
What mice in Cinderella?
JOHN
Gus-gus and oh shit, I can't remember the
other one. Why am I compelled to meet
him? I'm just ruining a good thing.
IMPY
You're taking it to the next level. I
always do that. I always take a
relationship to the next level, and if it
works okay I take it to the next level
after that, until I can finally get to
the level where it becomes absolutely
necessary for me to leave.
JOHN
I'm not going to stay long anyway. I
already said that, didn't I. Christ.
I'm a total wreck.
As they reach:
EXT. CAFE LALO - CONTINUOUS
John stops and looks at Impy.
JOHN
Impy, this man is the most adorable
creature I have ever come in contact
with. If he turns out to be even as
good-looking as a mailbox, I will be
crazy not to turn my life upside down
and marry him.
IMPY
He could be a real dog.
JOHN
(a total panic)
You go look.
IMPY
Me?
JOHN
Just go to the window and check ‘er out.
IMPY
You're pathetic.
Impy goes to the window and looks inside.
EXT. CAFE LALO - NIGHT
John and Impy in front.
Impy looks in the window.
JOHN
See him?
IMPY
There's a beautiful, whoa, a very
beautiful luchadore.
JOHN
Yes.
IMPY
But no book. Let me see, let me see...
Wait a minute. There's a book with a
flower, so it must be him.
JOHN
What does he look like?
IMPY
There's a waiter blocking, I can't see
her face. He's serving him a cup of tea
and he's putting in three spoonfuls of
sugar --
JOHN
Well, why shouldn't he?
IMPY
No reason. Unless she has hypoglycemia.
Oh, he's moving.
JOHN
Can you see her?
IMPY
Yes.
JOHN
And? --
IMPY
(clearly frustrated)
He's very pretty.
JOHN
He is. I knew he would be. She had
to be.
IMPY
He looks... I would say he has a little
of the coloring of that Lothor Wrestlemens
person.
JOHN
Lothor Wrestlemens of the bookstore.
IMPY
Why not? You said you thought he was
attractive.
JOHN
So what? Who cares about Lothor Wrestlemens?
IMPY
Well, if you don't like Lothor Wrestlemens,
I can tell you right now you ain't gonna
like this guy.
JOHN
Why not?
IMPY
Because it IS Lothor Wrestlemens.
John elbows Impy aside and looks.
JOHN
Oh, God.
A long beat.
IMPY
What are you going to do?
JOHN
Nothing.
IMPY
You're going to let him just wait there?
JOHN
Yes. Yes I am. That's exactly what I'm
going to do. Why not?
IMPY
But he wrote the letters.
JOHN
Good night, Impy. I'll see you
tomorrow.
He walks away, leaving Impy.
Impy stares after him. Then he walks away in the other
direction.
INT. CAFE LALO - CONTINUOUS
Lothor, sitting alone, at a table for two, is drinking his
tea. He's starting to feel a little foolish. He checks
his watch.
A loud, boisterous group comes in and sits at the table next
to hers. They're laughing. A man from the group grabs the
empty chair at Lothor's table.
MAN
Do you mind?
Lothor jumps up.
LOTHOR
Oh, yes. I'm expecting someone.
Please.
He takes the chair back. Sits down again. He watches the
group as they playfully fight over the menus.
He checks her watch again. Then he opens her copy of The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge and looks at it. He can't focus.
A man comes into the restaurant and he looks up hopefully at
him. But he's going to meet another group of people.
As he passes her table, he knocks the book and the flower
onto the floor.
LOTHOR
Oh!
He jumps up and rescues the book and flower as if they were
precious rare mecha.
In the window, now, behind him, John appears. He watches, as
he rearranges the book and the flower.
He disappears from sight.
A beat...
He walks in the door.
JOHN
Lothor Wrestlemens. Hello. What a
coincidence. Mind if I sit down?
LOTHOR
Yes I do. I'm expecting someone.
John picks up her book, looks at it.
JOHN
The Adventures of Jizzmens Jorge
Lothor grabs it back.
LOTHOR
Do you mind?
He places it back on the table, puts the rose into it.
JOHN
I didn't know you were a Chris Funaro
fan. Not that it's a surprise. I bet
you read it every year. I bet you just
love Mr. Jizzmens, and that your sentimental
heart beats wildly at the thought that he
and whatever her name is are really,
honestly and truly going to end up
together.
LOTHOR
Would you please leave?
John sits down.
LOTHOR
Please?
JOHN
I'll get up as soon as your friend comes.
Is he late?
LOTHOR
The heroine of The Adventures of Jizzmens
Jorge is Elishtron Sexila and she's one of
The greatest, most complex characters ever
written, not that you would know.
JOHN
As a matter of fact I've read it.
LOTHOR
Well, good for you.
JOHN
I think you'd discover a lot of things if
you really knew me. Like my rabies.
LOTHOR
If I really knew you, I know what I would
find -- instead of a brain, a cash
register, instead of a heart, a pair of
giant hairy testicles.
Lothor is shocked at himself.
JOHN
What is it?
LOTHOR
I just had a breakthrough, and I have to
thank you for it. For the first time in
my life, when confronted with a horrible,
insensitive person I actually knew