View Full Version : Inspired by today's mutant chat
Mesogog: [à la a pirate] Ahoy, mateys! The seas look right as rain! [drops the pirate act and addresses the audience]: Hi, I’m the Mesogog. Everyone knows I love fish: fried catfish sandwiches, grilled shrimp salad, salmon stir fry. Yum, I love me some fish - cooked fish, that is! But some goofy son-of-a beestings like to eat that stuff raw. Yes, raw. People paying top dollar for food that ain’t cooked. That’s why I opened up Mesogog's Casa De Sushi.
[Four dancers, two women with geisha girl hairstyles and two men with katanas, dressed in plain blue bathrobes come out, bobbing back and forth to the music and half-heartedly singing a parody of “California” by Tupac Shakur]
Dancers: [singing]
"Mesogog's Casa De Sushi Mesogs’s/Casa De Sushi In the city Of Seacaucus/We don’t like it (We don’t like it) But we’ll serve it to ya/And charge ya money."
[The Dancers leave]
Mesogog: That’s right! [an off-screen stagehand to the left gives Mesogog a platter of sushi rolls and Mesogog gives his telescope to him]: I don’t like this stuff! [throws sushi rolls in a wastebasket held by an off-screen stagehand to the right, then hands the platter back to the offscreen stagehand to the left] This stuff is nasty! But if you’re a weirdo, by all means, come to my place: Mesogog’s Casa De Sushi.
[cut to Mesogog’s face in a circular inset on the lower left side of the screen superimposed next to a plate of octopus]
Elsa V/O: Octopus.
Mesogog: Gross!
[cut to another plate, this time with squid on it]
Elsa V/O: Squid.
Mesogog: Yuck!
[cut to a final plate, this time with two eels on it]
Elsa V/O: Eel
Mesogog V/O: Heck, no! [cut back to full shot of Mesogog at the sushi restaurant] But that’s just my opinion. People *cough* right before they die*cough* ask me, “Mesogog, why open a sushi restaurant?” Well, the compelte and utter destruction of mankind doesn’t finance itself, people.
[The Dancers return to “dance” and sing another verse]
Dancers: [singing] "Mesogog's Casa De Sushi/If you like sushi/You should come here."
[The dancers leave]
Mesogog: You don’t believe me, then listen to this lady from Broadway, Harvey Fierstein.
[enter Harvey Fierstein]
Harvey Fierstein: [in a gravelly voice] Hello, I’m Harvey Fierstein. I play a fat lady in the Broadway musical “Hairspray”. Eat your heart out, Nell Carter!
Mesogog: [calmly] Be cool. Nell Carter’s dead.
Harvey Fierstein: [in disbelief] What?! Nell Carter died! That’s not funny! She’s a good friend of mine!
Mesogog: Well, I’m afraid she’s dead.
Harvey Fierstein: [wailing] Oh, Nell! Nell Carter died! [pulls a Chris Farley by passing out on a restaurant table and breaking it]
Mesogog: Harvey Frankenstein, you dummy! You just—you better pay for my table. Okay, let’s just sing the song and get on out of here.
[The Dancers return for their finale]
Dancers: [singing] "Mesogogs Casa De Sushi/In the city Of Seacaucus/We don’t like it (We don’t like it)/But we will serve it/And charge you money."
Mesogog: What they said.
[cut to title screen with the words “Mesogog's Casa De Sushi. Rt. 14 In Seascaucus, N.J.” over four shots of the Japanese dishes that were shown earlier in the sketch]
Announcer V/O: The Mesogog’s Casa De Sushi. Route 14 in Seacaucus, New Jersey. We don’t like sushi, but we will serve it and charge you money
[Cheap neon sign reads: MERCER'S House of Wings. The synth-driven riff from the Pointer Sisters' hit 1984 pop song "Jump (For My Love)" is heard as we pull back and pan down to reveal Anton Mercer in a spectacularly awful all-yellow suit and tie. He stands in front of a couple of diners and addresses the camera.]
Anton Mercer: Cock-a-doodle-doo, folks. I'm Anton Mercer. ... And there's two things in the world I love -- a good deal and a good meal. So when I drove by a defunct Meineke Muffler Shop in Englewood, New Jersey ... I knew what I hadda do! I hadda buy it on the cheap and convert it into a restaurant specializing in buffalo chicken wings. ... So I did. And it's the most important thing I've ever done in my entire life. ... So, please, join me -- at Anton Mercer's House of Wings!
[Mercer gestures and four dancers, wearing goofy yellow and white chickens-popping-out-of-eggshells costumes, boogie into view and join him. They gesture energetically as they sing a parody of "Jump":]
Dancing Chickens: [sing]
Mercer! You know our wings will make you happy!
Mercer in! You know our wings will fill you up!
Mercer! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings, yeah,
Anton Mercer's House of Wings!
[Mercer, who has been dancin' like the proverbial white man in the midst of all this, claps his hands and the chickens boogie backward out of view to huge cheers and applause. An impressed Mercer pauses and nods acknowledgment to the crowd before continuing:]
Anton Mercer: Am I saying I'm a chicken wing expert? No. But I can tell you this -- the wing is hands down the best part of the chicken. Better than the head. Better than the torso. Better than the back! And at Anton Mercer's House of Wings, you can get them with five different levels of hotness -- Regular, Hot, Three Alarm, Suicidal -- and Hell Spawn! [Each level is illustrated with a photo of Mercer: "Smiling;" "Smiling but Red-Faced;" "Red-Faced and Wearing a Fireman's Helmet with Cheeks Puffed Out;" "Horned Goateed Red-Faced Devil with Cheeks Puffed Out;" and "Red-Faced with Eyes Bulging, Tongue Sticking Out and Steam Coming Out of Ears."] ... And, if you like celery, congratulations! It's on the house. ...
[Dancing chickens return. Mercer claps, pumps a fist in the air and bobs in place arrhythmically.]
Dancing Chickens: [singing]
Mercer! You know our wings come with free celery!
Mercer in! You know these veggies are good for you!
Mercer! If you want bleu cheese, there'll be a dollar extra!
Anton Mercer's House of Wings!
[Mercer claps his hands and the chickens boogie backward out of view, once again, to huge cheers and applause.]
Anton Mercer: Anton Mercer's House of Wings is hands down the best wing restaurant in New Jersey. If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, rock 'n' roll legends Crash and the Creeps .
[Synth riff fades out as Crash enters with an acoustic guitar.]
Crash: Hey, Anton, man! When I'm not smokin' weed, firin' guns or throwing my sperm around the gay community ... I'm wolfin' down wings as fast as they can hack 'em off them little bastards! ...
Anton Mercer: Hey, listen, listen. That wasn't in the script. You're not supposed to be talking like that. That's not right.
Crash: Oh, sorry, Donny, man.
Anton Mercer: Take it easy.
Crash: Well, I call 'em like I sees 'em!
Anton: Yeah, take it easy.
Crash: But I will say this about your place, Anton Mercer.
[strums guitar, sings a slightly altered line from the 1970 Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song, "Our House"]
His house is a very, very, very fine house --
[spoken with enthusiasm]
-- of Wings! ... Ha ha! Alrighty, I'm out of here! [pulls out a handgun and a plastic bag of marijuana] Hey, can you hold these for me? [tries to hand these to Mercer]
Anton Mercer: [pushes them away in disgust] I'm not gonna touch 'em. [tries to push Crash offstage] Get out of here. Come on, get out.
Crash: [laughs] All right. [waves into the camera] Hey! Take it easy, Antsy!
[Applause as Anton Mercer exits and the synth riff returns.]
Anton Mercer: [shakes his head, disgusted with Crash] Terrible! [continues, to camera] To all you people out there -- stop by and enjoy! And to all you chickens -- You're fry-ered! ... [looks around, shakes his head again, disgusted at the corny joke I don't like that. Come on, get the dancers back.
[Mercer waves for the chickens and they return for a funky grand finale.]
Dancing Chickens: [sing]
Mercer! You know our wings will make you happy!
Mercer in! You know our wings will fill you up!
Mercer! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings, yeah,
Anton Mercer's House of Wings!
[Huge cheers and applause as we cut to the House of Wings logo and then see a map of Englewood, New Jersey with the logo -- as well as the logos of Mercer's local competitors.]
Announcer V/O: Donald Trump's House of Wings -- off Route 13, right next to Mesogog's Casa de Sushi. If you pass Dr. O's Taco Hole, you've gone too far.
Magic Force
01-04-2005, 08:09 PM
'Kay...I thought that people couldn't get anymore retarded when it comes to writing little skits/commercials/whatever this is categorized as....
Though I find this so funny and I can't stop laughing at the thought of this really happening...I'm laughing at the stupidity.
~MF~
http://img38.exs.cx/img38/9880/mesopirate9ed.png
I wanted the pirate suit to be purple, but hey.
KyL416
01-04-2005, 10:16 PM
You gotta do the one for Dr. O's Taco Hole.
The Avenging Angel
01-05-2005, 11:26 AM
Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Note: The following is meant to be taken as humor. If you believe any moment of this to be serious, you're wrong and I will eat your face.
[open on exterior of a shopping mall with title: "Mutant Mall, Mutantsburg, Washington"]
[dissolve to interior, with six people standing on a descending elevator while pleasant muzak plays]
Suckles: You know, I want to stop by Nine West on the way out.
Cassie: Oh, yeah, they're having a great sale this week.
Suckles: I could really use some new mules.
Cassie: That would be great.
[escalator stops moving and muzak stops]
Suckles: Oh, my God. What's going on?
Cassie: Oh, the escalator stopped.
Trance: All right, everybody just calm down.
Phil: Excuse me, but what's going on.
Trance: We're stuck between floors.
Impy: Isn't there a button we can press, or something?
Cassie: Don't worry everybody; I have my cell phone. I'll just call--Damn it! I'm not getting any cell phone reception!
Suckles: Oh, my God! We're trapped!
[dramatic music plays]
Trance: All right. Just relax, everybody. I'm sure someone's notice the elevator stopped, and we'll be moving in no time.
Cole: ¿Qué es el problema?
Phil: The problem? Ah, we're stuck.
Cole: ¿Qué?
Phil: Oh, great. Does anybody here speak Spanish?
Impy: Look, we can't be stuck. [holds up a cooler] I gotta get this kidney to the hospital in twenty minutes!
Phil: And I've got a huge business presentation that my job depends on, so how about that?!
Cassie: I have children that depend on me!
[all shouting]
Suckles: I can't breathe! [Trance walks carefully down to just below Cassie and Suckles] I can't breathe!
Trance: Lady, calm down! Calm down! [slaps Suckles]
[Trance shouts in frustration, startling everybody]
[Cole cries out in pain, clutching her stomach, and we can see that she is pregnant]
Impy: Hey, guys, I think this lady's going into labor!
Phil: Help! Can anyone hear me?!
[all shouting for help]
Trance: Look, screaming isn't going to do us any good. Does anyone have a rope or a grappling hook?
Cole: ¡Mi bebé está viniendo ahora! ¡Ahora!
Suckles: Would somebody shut her up?! Shut up! Just shut up!
Trance: Quiet! [slaps Meow]
Phil: I've been taking the stairs for fifteen years! "Save a little time. Take the escalator." Idiot! Idiot!
Impy: Oh, boy, this kidney isn't looking so hot. I hope Senator Williams can hold on for three more hours.
Cassie: Oh, my God. I'm so scared.
Trance: Don't be scared. I'm going to get you out of here, I promise.
Cassie: You promise? [puts her hand on Trance's cheek]
Trance: Cross my heart and hope to--
Cassie: [puts her hand on Trance's mouth] Shhhhh, don't say it. Just show it.
[Trance and Cassie kiss]
[the escalator jars suddenly, and everybody shouts]
Phil: Okay, I have to get out of here, now!
Impy: I'm gonna be in trouble. Why was I shopping with this thing, anyway?
Phil: Who cares about your damn kidney?!
Suckles: Shut up! Everybody just shut up!
Trance: Damn it! [slaps Suckles]
Phil: That's it! I'm getting out of here!
Trance: No, everyone stay put!
Phil: Why? So we can watch each other die?! Forget it! Forget you! See you later, suckers! [jumps off the side of the escalator]
[all shouting]
Suckles: Nooooo!!!!!
Trance: That was stupid, stupid, stupid.
[Cole cries out in pain]
Impy: Oh, no! Something's poking out down there!
[Cole's breathing is strained]
Impy: Just breathe. Just breathe. In and out.
Trance: All right, I'm going up there.
Cassie: Sweetheart, be careful.
Trance: I'll be fine. You just take care of you.
Cassie: I love you.
Trance: I love you. [turns towards the top of the escalator] All right. [struggles to climb to where Cole is standing]
Cassie: Oh, God. Be careful.
Impy: Are you a doctor?
Trance: I am now. ¿Cómo te llama?
Cole: Cole.
Trance: Trance, hola. ¿Cómo estas?
Maria: ¿Muy bien, gracias, y tu?
Young Man: Muy bien, muy bien.
Cole: Okay.
[Trance says one word in Spanish, and Cole begins pushing and grunting loudly]
Trance: Push! Push! Come on Cole! [lifts up the baby]
Impy: It's a boy! A baby boy!
Pilot: [voice from above] Hello! Can anyone hear me?!
[all shouting]
Meow: We're stuck down here! Hurry, please! Augh!
Pilot: [voice from above] Don't worry, we're sending someone down to get you out of there.
Cassie: Oh, thank God!
[a rope is thrown down from above, and Fireman (Onslaught) #1 descends into frame]
Fireman #1: Did anyone call for a rescue? [the rope suddenly catches] Oh, God, no! [he falls]
Trance: Is that the best you can do?! Is that the best you can do?! Come and get me, God! I'm here!
Suckles: We're all gonna die!
Cassie: Oh, shut up! [backhands Suckles] Wait a minute! Look! [points towards the bottom of the escalator] Oh!
Fireman #2: [walking upwards from below] I found a way out. You're all gonna be safe. Just follow me.
Cassie: Oh, thank God. Thank God. Everybody, quickly, quickly.
[Fireman #2 takes Suckles's hand and escorts her down, followed by Cole and Impy, who begins to drop his cooler]
Cassie: Oh, watch out for the--watch out for the kidney.
[dramatic music turns into a romantic melody]
Trance: What are you doing for the next forty-five years of your life?
Cassie: I'm married.
Trance: Oh. What are you doing for the next four to five minutes of your life?
Cassie: Having sex with you in the back seat of my Honda Odyssey.
Tramce: I had a feeling. Come on! [picks up Cassie and carries her, piggyback, down the escalator]
[Music out: "Morning After" by Maureen McGovern (from "The Poseiden Adventure")]
[title: "The End"]
Announcer: It's time once again for "Tales of Valour".
[ dissolve to Narrator Chris sitting at chair with book in his hand ]
Narrator Chris: Tonight's Tale of Valour is entitled "The Song of Parrish", and it deals with a kingdom under the spell of a horrible monster. Once a year, the people were forced to sacrifice a virgin of fair face and noble temperment to this foul beast. This year, however, was different, for the brave knight, Sir Trance, had set out to rescue his true love, Maid Katlyn.
[ dissolve to the Monster-Chris salivating over the fresh, young virgin ]
Monster Chris: Yes! Yeah!
[ Sir Tramce jumps into the scene ]
Sir Trance: Unhand her, you foul beast!
Monster Chris: Who dares challenge Monster Chris?
Sir Trance: I am Trance the Lionhearted, true love to the Maid Katylyn. [ holds up his mighty sword ] Release her at once, or suffer at the steel of my sword, which has been forged by the fires of Mount Thunder, and bequeathed to me by the -
[ Monster Chris simply punches Sir Trance in the face, knocking him to the ground ]
Sir Trance: Dammit! you're quick for a mosnter.
Monster Chris: Any last words?
Sir Trance: I'm sorry I have failed you, Gwendolyn.
Maid Katylyn: You have braved, and I will always love thee.
Sir Trance: Of all the wanton women in the village, you stood above them as the purest.
Monster Chris: [ sidetracked by this illicit information ] Wait, wait - there's a lot of women in your village.
Sir Trance: Yes.
Monster Chris: Maybe we can strike a little bargain here.
Sir Trance: I might be willing to listen to something.
Monster chris: I'll let you live, and you can take the virgin with you. But you have to bring me back a slutty girl.
Sir Trance: [ confused and outraged ] What?!
Monster Chris: You know, like a bored housewife who's kind of hot and feels neglected by her husband.
Sir Tramce: But you don't want a virgin?
Monster Chris: I'll be honest with you, buddy - on paper, a virgin sounds great. But in reality, not that good.
Sir Tramce: But I thought even a monster would desire someone who was pure.
Monster Chris: I'm just looking for a woman who knows what she's doing.
Maid Katylyn: There's nothing to be prized above purity.
Sir Trance: I cherish your purity.
Monster Chris: Yeah. Come talk to me after your wedding night. Tell me how great it was.
Sir Trance: So you want a slutty girl?
Monster Chris: Absolutely! Now, come on, let me think.. I like dark hair, what else? I don't want a skinny girl, either. I like a little junk in the trunk!
Sir Trance: So you want a big girl?
Monster Chris: No, no, no! I don't want a hog! But, you know, a few extra pounds are okay. Let's face it - bones are for dogs!
Sir Trance: Okay!
Monster Chris: Maybe a lady in her 40's, who might be a little more sexually adventurous!
Sir Trance: So virgins aren't adventurous?
Monster Chris: Again - talk to me after your wedding night.
Maid Katylyn: Listen. I can be adventurous. I-I-I once French-kissed a boy for ten seconds!
Monster Chris: She's a real hell cat!
Maid Gwendolyn: After we're married, I might leave the lights on while we do it!
Sir Trance: I see what you mean. Is that why you let last year's sacrifice go free?
Monster Chris: No! She was thirteen! I'm a monster, but that's sick!
Sir Trance: I didn't know it was so tough being a monster.
Monster Chris: Well, it is! I don't want to be a monster. I don't want to hurt your village. All I've ever wanted.. is to be loved.
Sir Trance: I think I understand. A witch turned you into a monster, and you have to get a woman to fall in love with you before you can turn back into a prince.
Monster Chris: Hey, if that'll get a nasty broad up here, sure I'll go with it! So go untie your lady, get out of here!
Maid Katylyn: You know, I can be wild - I own a black bra.
Monster Chris: Hey, hurry back now - with the slutty girl!
Sir Trance: [ laughing ] I promise, Monster Chris!
Monster Chris: Hey! If you're not back by Friday, I'm gonna kill your whole family!
[ dissolve back to Narrator Chris, his nose buried in his book ]
Narrator Chris: And Sir Parrish kept his word, and brought the monster a slutty older woman. She kind of looked like Valerie Vernon with dark hair. And there's pictures in this book of them doing it! But, because this is TV, I can't show them to you. But, take it from me, a conneiseur of porn, they look so great. Daddy like! D-yamn! I gotta show this book to Cole. [ looks offstage ] Hey, Cole! Check this out!
[ Cole enters stage and looks over Narrator Chris's shoulder at the book ]
Cole: Oh, snap! That monster's bonin' that lady! That's hilarious!
[ fade out ]
[Incredibly fancy titles read: "THE JOB INTERVIEW SKETCH" as Ride of The Valkyries plays]
[ Trent nervously enters Dr.O's office ]
Trent: Hi. I'm, uh.. here for the job interview?
Dr. O: [ puzzled ] Have a seat.
Trent: Thanks. [ sits ] How you doing?
Dr. O: [ gruff ] I'm alright! [ awkward pause ] So, you want to work here?
Trent: Well, yeah, of course! I'd love to work here! Are you, uh.. are you asking me a question?
Dr. O: What do you think?
Trent: Well, yeah.. it sounds like you were askin me a question.
Dr. O: Well, you're right. I was asking you a question. What did you think I was doing?
Trent: I don't know.
Dr. O: What did you think, I was making a joke?
Trent: No.. no, I don't.. I mean.. I-I didn't..
Dr. O: Geez! Okay. Alright what is this? I can't even read . what is your name here? Is it Joe..? John..?
Trent: Trent.
Dr. O: Trent? It looks like John.
Trent: It's Trent.
Dr.O: Yeah, I know that now! i'm just saying, the way you wrote it, it looks like John. Alright? [ ] Alright, what's this? What does this say here? [ trying to read ] Yucca? Yucla? Yuc? Yucla? What?
Trent: That's, um.. that's UCLA.
Dr. O: [ confused ] UCLA? What is that, some kind of club?
Trent: No, it's a college. Um.. I went there for four years.
Dr. O: I never heard of it! I've heard of Pepperdine! Why didn't you go to Pepperdine?
Trent: I don't know.. I just didn't.. I went to UCLA.
Dr.O: Yeah, I know that now! I'm just saying, I've heard of Pepperdine! Is that alright with you? Is that alright that I've heard of it?!
Trent: [ uneasy ] Of course.
Dr. O: You know, John.. it's not all here. You know what I'm saying? Some of it's here. [ ] Man! [ changing subject ] Are you married, John?
Trent: It's Trent. No.
Dr. O: You got a girl?
Trent: [ afraid to answer ] Yeah.. kind of.
Dr.O: And when's the last time you had sex? I don't mean with her - I mean with anybody.
Trent: Well, uh.. a couple of weeks..
Dr. O: Yeah? I haven't had sex in a while. Yeah, her name was, uh.. well, it was like a pet's name. Something like Dash.. or.. Dasher.. Not like Dashhound, but.. Dash something. Dash.. Dashee.. Dash.. I don't know. Anyway, she looked alright. She had a rod in her leg. She couldn't dance. It sucked!
Trent: [ not sure how to respond ] I'm sorry..
Dr.O: Yeah, what can you do? Alright, I'm not gonna hire you.
Trent: [ outraged ] Why not?
Dr.O: Well, because I don't like you. I mean, I'm getting this weird kind of vibe from you, you know? But if you want to continue the interview, we can.
Trent: Why would I want to sit here and be interviewed, when I know I'm not gonna get the job?
Dr. O: I think you're an interesting guy! We've got a lot in common! I mean, my uncle' name is also John.
Trent: My name's Trent! Trent! Not John! I'm gonna.. I'm gonna go..
Dr. O: Go?! Wha- Wait! What are you talking about?! I just told you I haven't had sex in a long time, man! I just gave you a piece of me! And now, you just wanna bail?! You've gotta give me something, man! You gotta open up!
Trent: Well.. what do you want to know..? I mean.. I don't know what to tell you..
Dr. O: Something personal! Anything! I don't care!
Trent: [ thinking ] I don't know.. I.. I'm allergic to cats..?
Dr. O: [ furious ] I tell you I haven't had SEX in nine years!! And you tell me you're allergic to CATS?! What the hell?! GET OUT!!
Trent: What are you talking about?! I was gonna go! You asked me to stay here!
Dr.O: [ flip-flops ] Alright, you got the job!
Trent: [ confused, but surprised ] I.. I do?
Dr. O: Yeah, man, it's that simple. Congratulations!
Trent: Thank you..
Dr. O: You start tomorrow.
Trent: Okay!
Dr. O: You did great.
Trent: Great!
Dr. O: See you tomorrow, buddy.
Trent: Okay. Thanks!
Dr.O: Alright, be good, John. [ Applicant exits, as Kira enters ] You - come on in.
Kira: Yes!
Dr. O: Listen, I gotta tell you - I just gave that guy the job - but if you want to continue this interview, we can.
Kira: [ confused, but sits ] What?
Dr. O: Now.. when's the last time you had sex, John?
[Fin]
[ open on exterior, Rocky mountain Celebrity Theatre ]
[ dissolve to interior, Glenn McMillan performing on stage ]
Glenn: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, Colorado! Thank you very much, you're too kind! You know, you've been a great audience, and I just want to say that tonight's show was kind of.. special.. because it was.. the last time I will ever do Dustin. After tonight, he's dead. [ audience awws ] No, that's very kind.. no, it's about time to put the man to bed. I just want you all to know that.. you were the last to see him. Good night, Colorado, I love you! Thank you very much, good night!
[ dissolve to Glenn driving back after his performance, camera zooms out to reveal as his passenger JAson Chan ]
[ Music Over: "Shotgun" ]
Jason: Hey, Glenn, are you really gonna retire Dustin?
Glenn: Yeah.. yeah, I am.
Jason: [ thinking ] Can I do it?
[ suddenly, they both scream, as Glenn loses control of the car and it flies over an embankment into the snow ]
[ show figure retrieving Glenn from the snow ]
[ dissolve to close-up of Cole's face, looking at Glenn from above as he comes to ]
Annie: Mr. McMillllllllan.. Mr. McMillllllllllan...
[ SUPER: "Misery II: Revenge of The Crab People" ]
Cole: Are you waking up?
Glenn: ..Where am I..?
Cole: You had a terrible accident, but you're going to be alright.
Dana Carvey: Who.. who are you?
Annie: I'm your #1 fan. I pulled oyu out of your car. I left Mr. Chan.. I thought it would be best. [ Glenn squirms ] Oh, no.. don't try to move, Mr. McMillan, your legs are banged up pretty darn bad.
[ Cole pulls blanket back to reveal Glenn's scraggled legs twisted in all directions ]
Glenn: [ screams in agony and pain ]
Annie: You'd better eat something, Glenn. It's okay if I call you "Glenn", isn't it?
Glenn: Uh.. sure.. you saved my life..
Annie: And! I'm your #1 fan. Gosh, I just can't believe I have Dustin right here in my house! [ looks at Glenn] You'd better eat some soup, though. It's yummy. You know what - and tell me if I'm out of line - I would just love to hear you say.. "Dude?"
Glenn: You know, I-I-I'm not really feeling up to a performance..
Cole: Oh? Even for your #1 fan?! The person who's feeding you soup?! The person who saved your life?!
Glenn: Okay.. okay.. [ mimics Dustin] "Dude...?"
Cole: Oh! Oh, I just love him! I just love him! I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to him, you know?! I swear to God, I think I would just go completely insane!!
Glenn: [ worried ]
Cole: "Dude!" [ Glenn is silent ] Oh, I'm sorry, I did your part. Did I make you feel all ooky? I'm so sorry. I hate myself! I ruin everything.
[ Cole exits room, slams the door in shame ]
[ Glenn looks at his mangled legs and cries in pain ]
[ dissolve to cabin exterior, as scene shifts to later in the day ]
[ Cole runs back into the room ]
Cole: Glenn? Glenn? Oh, I don't mean to wake you, but.. I went into town, and look what I found! [ holds out motocross gear ] Just like Dustin wears!
Glenn: Annie, are you, uh.. sure the phones aren't working? You know, I-I-I really should call Doug in LA, I have a show to do.
Cole: And I also got the review of your show! I'm going to go in the other room and read it, I just can't wait to see what it says! [ exits room; re-enters seconds later with an angry scowl on her face ] How could you?! You killed him! Mr. Man!! [ smacks Glenn's leg with the rolled-up newspaper ] You killed Dustin!! You killed him, you murderer!! [ continues to smack Glenn's legs ]
Glenn: [ now forced to dress like Dustin ] "Dude!"
Cole: [ elated ] Oh, it's just so great to have Dustin back alive again! I just love her so much! I just love her so much! Could you do that goody smile thing?
Glenn: [ desperately does the goofy smile thing ]
Cole: Look what I found, Glenn! Motocross boots - you know, just like Dustin wears!
Glenn: No, no, Cole.. whatever you're thinking of doing.. don't do it! Please, don't! [ Cole squeezes the boots on Glenn's mangled feet ] Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!!
Cole: Ohh.. well, you're feet are so swollen, and I just have to kind of.. push them a little bit..
Glenn: Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!!
Cole: Almost done..
Glen: Aggghh!! Aggghhh!! Agghhhh!! [ lunges for Cole, punches her on the back ] Die, bitch, die! Die! Dude, huh! Like, dude! Witch!! Agghh!!
[ Cole collapses across Glenn's lap, then rises back to life to attack some more ]
Glenn: [ shoves Wind Morpher into Cole's mouth ] Eat it! Eat it, Cole!! Do you like that!! Die!! Die!! Die!!
[ Cole collapses across Dana's lap, then rises back to life to attack some more ]
[ off-camera gunshot downs Cole once and for all; snow-covered Jason Chan appears standing in the doorway of the bedroom ]
Glenn: Jason! I.. I thought you were dead.
Jason: [ raises arm ] Acting! [ shoots Glenn, then picks up Motocross gear to put on his own body ] "Dude!"
Aza Rina Shin Ryu
01-08-2005, 08:18 PM
I fucking hate you.
Billy (reading original MMPR:TM script): Man, I got shafted big time
Aisha: (gropes Billy) I'll say!
Billy (nervous): Cestria's sleeping right next to you!
Cestria (sleeping): Rurrrrhhhmm...kill all humans....ruhhrr..mrrrhh
Tommy: (has Kat and Kim on his arms) It's good to be Lord of the Skies.
Adam: Yes, and i'm the frog that turns into a handsome prince after a kiss. And that's all I ever get. A kiss and "I'm sure you'll find someone."
Rocky: Maybe you're just not meant to be with a girl- (is clobbered by Adam)
Kat: Quit your whining! I didn't get ANYTHING! Anything but "here's a morpher."
Kim: Yes, you also got stuck with Tommy while I got to run away to Florida with Trini.
Adam: Maybe Trini would like to go on a date?
Rocky: (from the floor) Has anyone seen my spleen?
Cestria (now awake): Yes. It was delicious.
Billy: You can live without your spleen anyway.
Rocky: But not with all this massive bloodlo-hey, where'd all the blood go?
Cestria (mouth covered in blood): What're you looking at me for?
Jason: (bursts into room naked and screaming, runs around, then runs out)
Kat: (boggles) Ooooo.... Okay Kim, Tommy's all yours. (runs after Jason)
Tommy: Whee!
Kim: Don't even think about it, buster. I've got Trini.
Trini: Aw, but Kim, you know I'd love a threesome.... (voice trails off suggestively)
Kim: Yeah, but with the Fastest Man Alive?
Everyone else: Huh?
Kim (thrusting awkwardly, mimicing Tommy's voice): What do you mean sex is uspposed to last more than a minute?
Everyone else: (dies laughing)
Billy: I wasn't that bad with Marge!
Tommy: I'm going to kill all of you
Cestria: Killing? All of them? Billy, i'm leaving you for Tommy!
Billy: YES!
Billy: (teleports away)
Aisha: Ha! Eat that, fishy!
Cestria: Looks like i'll be eating you. In the bad ingesting way.
Aisha: (guts Cestria with a pair of bear claws) Now eat this.
Everyone else: (runs away screaming)
Aisha: .... What?
Tommy: Note to self, never anger Aisha ever again..
Tanya: Hey guys! I'm the new yellow ranger! IS that cool or what?
Aisha: O_O (kills Tanya) NO ONE TAKES MY PLACE!
Billy: (teleporting back) Why should anyone take our places?!
Tommy: Come to think of it, why'd you guys have to replace Trini, Jason and Zack? We had a good thing there!
Adam: You're the one who suggested us! You said Aisha wouldn't flirt with Kimberly!
Billy: Guys, guys, come on. There's a reasonable explanation for it all.
Rocky: (bouncing to his feet) YEAH! We can just blame Saban!
Saban: Hey, Zack, Trini, and Jason wanted raises. We needed to make an example.
Everyone: WE KEEL YOU! (converge on Saban and the blood flies)
("THE END...OR IS IT? YEAH, IT IS" suddenly flies up on screen)
Shane (reading script to Thunderstorm): Man, I am corny!
Tori: But hey, the fangirls love you anyway.
Cam: Especially on Dustin's bed, covered in honey-
Dustin: DUDE! I HAVE a straight love interest!
Sensei: Heehee, even I have more fangirls than Shane...I mean...somewhat wise sounding statement.
Hunter: Saow, Dahstinn, yuuw wannar darnce?
Dustin: AUGH! NO! (hides behind Tori) Tor, save me from the crazy Aussie!
Cam: She has to save herself from me first. (sweeps Tori off her feet and into his arms)
Tori: Look at it this way, I saved you from a contrived lemon with you and I.
Dustin: Yeah...that would be...uhh...bad?
Hunter: Saow, yuuw wannar darnce? Hoarizawntilly?
Dustin: YEEP! (dives into the ground)
Blake: I keep telling ya, you come on too strong, bro.
Dustin: Finally, someone who isn't after me. Wouldja mind protecting me from the others?
Blake (evil grin): Sure, but you gotta do something for me first
Dustin: Gyah! (runs to Marah)
Marah: Same deal as Blake's....
Dustin: O_O YOU GOT IT!
Blake: (vaporizes Marah) No female love interests allowed. This is NS.
Dustin: (starts beating the heck out of Blake)
Cam: Mind if I go help him, Tor?
Tori: No, I need you as a human sheild if they come for me...I mean, no, stay with me. (flashes)
Cam: 0_0 Yosha!
Dustin: (muffled pleas for help)
Hunter: Skuwayeell loike ah peeeg!
Kapri: (blasts Hunter off Dustin) I'm sorry, I just got so sick of his accent.
Dustin: What can I ever do to thank you?
Kapri: (evil smile)
Dustin: -_- It never ends!
Cole: (suddenly tackles Kapri) My Earth Ninja! Mine!
Kapri: (screeches and fights back)
Blake: Whoo hoo! Catfight!
Shane: I'll sell tickets!
Hunter (enraged): (pulls Blake and Shane by their necks) Wott's awll thish hadderaowseksyallitay oi 'ear?
Shane: Nothing, sir, nothing!
Sensei: (hits a pressure point in Hunter's neck and knocks him out)
Dustin: Dude!
Sensei: Well, I was sick of that accent too.
(Suddenly Kapri's head comes flying across ninja ops as Cole grabs Dustin)
Cole: MINE!
Dustin: (whimpers) All my fangirls are crazy!
Impy: (breaks through a wall labeled "4th") Hey, look at Shane and be greatful that you HAVE fangirls
Krys: (picks way through the rubble of the Fourth Wall, holding a camera) Anyone see where Cam and Tori went?
Impy: No, but I saw where Cole and Dustin went.
Shane: (points) Tori and Cam went thataway.
Krys: Thanks! (scampers off, then comes running back) Whaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Eat this, Tori/Blake 'shippers! In your face! Whaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha- okay enough triumphant laughter, hide me! (dives behind Sensei)
Impy: I don't think anything can stop Tori/Blake shippers except for one ungodly thing...
Sensei: What?
Impy: Tori/Hunter shippers!
Shane: Yeah, let's let them fight it out amongst themselves.
Krys: (peeks around Sensei) I'm not being pursued. Weird.
Sensei: They must be busy.
Blake: (runs to stop Cam and Tori)
Impy: (shoots Blake in the leg) That's for being almost as dissapointing as your brother
Blake: (writhes on the ground)
Krys: (stares at Blake's leg) Blood....
Impy: Looks like there's not going to be much Blake left by tommorow.
Shane: You know, you don't know where that blood's been.
Blake: Yeah, but it's winding up on the floor! Someone give me a goddamn bandage!
Impy: That would defeat the point of shooting you in the leg
Sensei: Yes, it would, but still, I cannot in good conscience let Blake bleed to death. (helps Blake up and takes him offscreen to bandage him up)
Krys: No blood?
Shane: No blood.
Krys: No big deal! (hugs camera to her chest) I gots mah PROOF! Whaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Cam: Man, i've gotta get the new Ninjaputer out of here before the others see it
Hunter: Ninjaputer? Oooh! Games! I wannar plie!
Marah: (pops head in) Hey cuz, have you seen my- hey, what's that? (points to the Ninjaputer)
Cam: Nothing you guys are allowed to touch after the incident with good china.
Marah: (pouts) Aw, cuz, I told you that was an accident. I didn't mean to slip, honest.
Cam: It isn't just you. (glares at Hunter)
Hunter: 'Ow many toymes do I have to tell you, Guv? Oy though they waahs hubcaps, guv.
Dustin: Dude,like, speak English already.
Hunter: Bot oym ah ninjar!
(Shane attempts to grab the Ninjaputer, is subsequently slapped girlishly by Cam and runs away)
Dustin: Okay, who let Shane into the cookies?
Cam: More importantly, who unlocked his shackles?
Marah: I think I saw one of your students do it, but I can't be sure.
Hunter: 'Ee prawbibly jus' couldint bend ovar in chains. Oy mean, wot would oy know about that?
Marah and Dustin: (stare at Hunter)
Hunter: Wot?
Dustin: Sometimes you scare me, dude.
Hunter: Oym gonnar goh tayke advanage owve Shane again, oy mean...motocrawssh.
Marah: (looks ill)
(Peppermint tea drips out of the Ninjaputer's diskdrive)
Dustin: (fetches two cups, fills them with the tea, hands one cup to Cam and the other to Marah)
Marah: Awww, thanks. (sips)
Cam: WHY IS NO ONE ELSE FREAKED OUT BY THE TEA COMING OUT OF THE COMPUTER?
Dustin: I just thought you programmed it to do that. I mean, you jazzed up Blake's bike so much I'm surprised it doesn't have a toaster.
Cam: It was either the minibar or the toaster and he SAID minibar. I didn't think he'd change his mind so fast!
(Shane and Hunter walk in to frame, both limping)
Cam: Don't friggin' tell me
Dustin: Okay, there's nothin' wrong with homosexuality, but dudes! GET A FRIGGIN' ROOM!
Cam: I think they did.
Marah: Well, Uncle Sensei did say some colors just gravitate towards each other.
Cam: And when they do, no one, I repeat, NO ONE wants to watch.
Marah: Not even when it gets really hot?(lights a fireball in her hand for a pun)
Cam: It blinded the enitre freshman Water-style class when they did it in Arena 4
Marah: (eyes widen, then look to Shane and Hunter) "You two would make a killing in the pay porn industry."
Cam: And in terrorist interrigation.
Marah: (puts out the fireball) "I know Uncle Lothor would've cracked in no time flat. He's straight as a ruler."
Dustin: The thought of Lothor marrying anybody still squicks me out.
Hunter: Think that squicks you out? Imagine seeing Kelly make a motorcycle seat out of human hair.
Cam: Hey. You said that right!
Hunter: Wotahhyou tawkin about, guv?
Marah and Dustin: (bang their heads on the nearest wall)
Connor: You know, now that I think baout it, bouncing this ball around a bunch of incredibly expensive equipment is a wonderful idea.
Ethan: Whatever you say, oh fearless leader.
Connor: If I wasn't the genius I am, i'd think you were mocking me.
Trent: (snorts soda out his nose, yelps in pain, then breaks down laughing)
Kira: Heehee! Sarcastic remark pointing to your obvious mental inadequacies!
Connor: Do you has?
Ethan: (to Connor) Maybe you should write a lot more than Kira's name on your hand.
Trent: (cleaning up the soda) But his hand isn't big enough for that.
Kira: But they're clearly well exircised, after all his "tutoring" with Dr.O after school.
Connor: Wahuh?
Kira: I forgot you obviously get A++++s all the time
Trent: (almost chokes on his soda)
Ethan: Oh come on, did you really think we wouldn't figure it out? (Tommy comes out in red mini skirt with a black rope, sees Kira, Trent, and Ethan and eyes widen)
TOmmy: Hi...you..guys
Ethan, Trent, Kira: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Ethan: MY EYES!
Trent: Oh God the pain!
Tommy: I was just...going...shower...expo
Trent: Ethan, I'll strangle you if you strangle me.
Ethan: Done.
Hayley: (walks in, sees Tommy and Connor) Am I late or early?
Trent and Ethan: (choking each other)
Kira: (worried expression, followed by "eureka!" expression) Trent, closet, now.
Ethan and Trent: (stop strangling each other and stare at Kira) Say what?
Kira: (sweatdrop, followe by sultry voice) Cloest. NOW.
Trent: (look of dawning comprehension) Oooohhhhhh! (shoves Ethan to the floor and runs to Kira's side)
Hayley: Ethan, you may want to get out of here. It's about to get loud.
Ethan: (flees, eyes wide in horror)
(Hayley takes out what looks like a robotic sheep, attaches the black rope to it, and proceeds to beat Connor savagely with it)
(the screen zooms out to reveal the Abarangers watching this)
Sanjo: What a bunch of freaks
Trip: Conacon is back attacking Banky Place Co.
Jen: Again? That's the third time this week!
Katie: And it always happes at dinnertime. It's worse than those damn telemarketers!
Wes: Let the rangers take care of it. Oh, wait, that's us.
Katie: What, did Circuit eat your brain again, Wes?
Wes: You're teh suck.
Jen: No, that's Lucas' job. Where is he, anyway?
Trip: Not with that cheater Gluto! (cries)
Katie: (comforts Trip)
Jen: Guys? The mutant?
Wes: Oh, right. Time For Morphing Type Thingers!
Jen and Katie: Time for Time Force! (they morph and start running down the clock tower stairs)
Eric: I got this covered, guys!
Wes: Hey! Eric!!!
Eric: See you later.
Lucas: Damn it Eric, get back here! You can't be the goddamn Lone Ranger all the friggin' time!
Katie: Jeez, Lucas! Watch your mouth or we'll get angry letters from the soccer moms again!
Eric: Someone's moody. Did Gluto break up with you?
Lucas: No! .... Yes! Damn it! (cries)
Jen: (is meanwhile beating the mutant all by herself)
Conacon: Gyarrgh! Must reach convinient growth patch! (Jen cuts his hand off) Shit.
Gluto: (comes flying in and gets the crap beaten out of him by Trip and Lucas)
Lucas: This is for cheating on me with Mr. Collins!
Nadira: (watching the guys flex in their tight suits) Mmmm hmmm!
Eric: How you doin'?
Nadira: Get out there and flex! (throws Eric into the battle)
Eric: (is tackled and kissed by Trip)
(Alyssa flies out from no where and tackles Nadira)
Wes: ORGY FOR EVERYONE!
Everyone: (dog-piles on everyone else)
Frax: I wanna play!
Ransik: You have no genitals
Frax: (cries)
Blake: So, what'd you guys think of the race?
Dustin: (sipping a soda) It didn't last long enough.
Ethan: I thought all the people who seemed excited were hilarious. Whooo! Watching fast bikes! Why, that's better than watching shuffle board!
Devin: I didn't even get one decent shot! (sobs) Cassidy's gonna be mad at me again!
Marah: Oh be quiet, you big baby.
Connor: Just what happens when she gets mad at you, anyways?
Devin: Candle wax. Thumbscrews. Superman IV.
Devin: (drops voice to a whisper) And then she gets the strap-on and the whips.
Everyone: (shudders)
Trent: I had no idea she could be so twisted.
Marah: I did. (smiles cheerfully)
Tori: Huh?
Marah: Uh.... er.... Frisbee?
Cam: Am I the only one with a bad mental image?
Trent: You're the only one who thinks it's bad
Dustin: Speak for yourself!
Connor: That's not really my thing.
Kira: Because you're superhumanly gay?
Connor: Yes
Tori: I'm just going to pretend this conversation never happened, okay?
Tommy: Works for me.
Hayley: (takes out earplugs) There was a conversation?
Marah: (whispers to Hayley, causing her to blush)
Cassidy: (walks by) Devin! There you are! Did you get any good shots?
Devin: (pales)
Blake: Oh yeah, they're fantastic, I made sure of it. (nods)
Devin: (whispers) My ass is saved!
Connor: (whispering to Devin) Only if you manage to steer clear of me.
Dustin: (looks ill) Someone protect me from the rampant gay hormones!
Hunter: (big sparkly shoujo eyes): I'll do it!
Shane: No, me! I'll do it!
Kapri: No way, you bastards! He's mine!
Dustin: (turns white) Oh God....
Hunter: We can protect him at the same time!
Shane: Kinky
Cassidy: I'll protect Marah!
Marah: Awww, you will? Thank you! That's so sweet!
Dustin: Sensei! Help!
Sensei: Don't worry, Dustin. I'll protect you all night long.
Cam: Ethan, choke me. Do it. Now. I beg you.
Dustin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (disappears with a POOF into the earth)
Tori: Oh, for crying out loud! I thought we weren't supposed to use our powers in public.
Ethan: (begins strangling Cam)
Tommy: Anybody for a drink?
(the screen pulls back to reveal Sanjo and Kouta watching)
Kouta: Man, this show is weird.
Sanjo (sparkly shoujo eyes): You need any protection?
Tommy: So, who wants to go to the Enviroment Karate Hugging Oprhaned Kittens Expo?
Jason: Oo, me! Me me me! (jumping up and down like a maniac)
Zack (opens mouth, pauses for 15 seconds): I agree
Billy: I regret to say I would be unable to participate.
Trini: I'm going to act laid back and kind of stoned all afternoon.
Jason: So that's where my stash went.
Tommy: (takes a swig of a Healthy Beans And Nuts Smoothie Drink, Inc.) I lost my powers again! (takes another swig) And they're back.
Billy: Intriguing! (grabs the smoothie for scientific research)
Jason: I love ya, bro. (hugs Tommy)
Tommy: Really? I knew this day would come! Let's go discuss this in the supply closet!
Jason: Sure thing, bro.
Billy: THE GOGGLES! THEY DO NOTHING!
Zack: Dude, those are your glasses.
Billy: .... I knew that.
Trini: (pokes Kim) I think she's dead.
Zack: We can always replace her with Mary Sue.
Trini: Her name is Kat.
Zack: I knew that.
Billy: Heeeeeeeeeeere kitty kitty kitty.... I wanna pet ya.
Kat: (bites Billy's hand off) I'll treasure it forever!
Billy: Hmmm, interesting blood spray. (gets out magnafying glass to examine the bloody stump)
(Jason and Tommy walk out of the supply closet, Jason crying and Tommy looking quite proud of himself)
Trini: Do I wanna know?
Billy: (covers Kim's ears)
Kim: (arm falls off)
Everyone: (stares)
Kat: (grabs arm) Mine! Stay back! I claimed it! NYARHD!
Rocky: She scares me sometimes.
Adam: Only sometimes?
Zack: I told you guys to wait until we re-negotiated our contracts!
Aisha: Oh just go dance the night away or something.
Zack: Yeah. I hope you enjoy that comment in a season and a half.
Aisha: Bite me.
Zack: Gladly.
Rocky: (beats Zack to it)
Adam: Damn, he gets all the luck.
Billy: (has fainted from blood loss)
Aisha: Go prance around with Tommy in the supply closet, Rocky!
Rocky: y'okay.
Kim: (entering the room) Kat, why are are you groping a maniquin's arm?
Kat: (pounces Kim) You ever read "Agony In Pink"?
Kim: (shoves Kat off) No. Not only no, but Hell no. Tommy, get the Sue away from me.
Tommy: I need to go look for Rocky's mssing contact with him in the supply closet.
Kim: I'll help! (leer)
Rocky: I must be the luckiest man alive!
Trini: (has passed out next to Billy on the floor)
Bulk: (obsessively touching Trini's face)
Skull: (is swallowed whole by Kat)
Ernie: (just keeps the smoothies coming)
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