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ToriBlake11
06-29-2007, 02:35 PM
ooc: This might sound alittle like Kimberly's exit in MMPR but i changed it to fit Tori.
~Chapter one~
Tori opened the door to Storm Chargers seeing the guys all talking to Kelly. She smiled as she walked over to join them."Whats up?" Tori said as the guys parted before Tori reached them.
"Oh, Nothing" Dustin said with a smile as the guys headed in different directions.Tori followed Dustin and Blake as they went to look at a new bike order."Guys what was that all about?" Tori asked leaning against the window.
"YOu'll find out tomarrow." Blake said with a smile as he turned back to the bike.Tori looked confused.
"Find out what?" She asked Dustin."Tori, wait till tomarrow." he said with a laugh.That night Tori couldn't sleep at all.
She headed to Storm Chargers the next morning to find a pro surfer talking to the guys."Hey, there she is." Shane said as Tori walked in the door.
Tori's jaw dropped when she saw her favorite surfer standing in front of her.
"Jeremy Flores?" Tori said in amazment.
"Thats me." he said in his australian accent.
"Well your friends told me about how great you surf, so i came down here to check it out."Tori laughed. "So thats what you all were up to."
All the guys laughed.
"Well you ready to go?" Jeremy asked.
"Yeah, just let me get my board." Tori said going out to her van and grabbing her board.Jeremy and Tori then headed to the beach.
BOth Tori and Jeremy surfed some waves.
After an hour of surfing, they heading back to the beach.
"That was great." Jeremy said stuffing his board into the sand.
Tori did the same and sat down on the sand.
"Well i was just wondering, if maybe after you get out of school, you would like to come down to Australia and get sponsered?" Jeremy asked looking at her."Me? Sponsered?" Tori said but then remembered she already had duties to protect the city.
"Um, i might have to think about it." she replied.
"Take as long as you'd like, it's a hard thing to do to leave all this behind." he said standing up and taking his board.
"I'll see you tomarrow." he said turning and leaving her to contemplate on her decision.
Tori walked to Ninja Ups.As she entered she saw the guys dueling each other to see who could take down Cam.
Tori sat down and put her chin on her hand as she watched.
After Cam took down all the guys, they finally realized that Tori was not acting like herself.
The guys went over and sat down as well.
"You aren't acting like yourself." Dustin said holding his hand to her forehead. "You feeling okay?"
Tori smiled as she moved his hand off her head.
"Actually i'm great." She said trying to hide her true emotions.
"I know you, and this, it isn't you." Blake said.
"Yeah i agree." Shane said. "So whats up?"
"Alright you know Jeremy, the pro surfer you introduced me to?" Tori asked.
The guys nodded.
"Well he wants to sponser me."
"Thats awsome." Shane said with a smile then saw her face. "But.."
"It's just that if i accept, i'll have to go to Australlia and give up my position as a ranger." she said looking at the guys.
The other guys frowned.
"But this is your dream." Hunter said.
"It was my dream, now i have more to look forward to, as a ranger." she said standing up.
"So i'm not going to accept his offer." Tori said turning toward them.
"What!" they all gasped.
"I've already made my decision." she said walking out of Ninja Ops.
The guys turned to Sensei.
"You can't let her do this." Blake said.
"I believe it is her choice to how her life will turn out." Sensei replied.
"But.." Dustin said but was cut off.
"It's her dream, and being a ranger is standing in the way of it." Blake said standing up.
"Blake, she will come to find that her dreams and aspirations come first. i will let her go if she choses another path." Sensei said.
"Now that thats over, can we get back to Lother?" Cam said as the monitors beeped.
A new monster had been sent down with Zurgane.
"I'll contact Tori, she'll meet you there." Cam said.
"Ready?" Shane said.
"Ready" they replied.
"Ninja Storm," Shane and Dustin said.
"Thunder Storm," Blake and hunter said.
"Ranger Form Ha" They all said together.
They headed over to the Harbor to find Zurgane and his monster taking peoples energy.
"Hey, mind if we join the party?" Shane asked as they pulled out their weapons.
Seconds later Cam and Tori appeared to help.
"Lets get 'em." Cam said as they charged toward Zurgane.
They defeated the monster and Zurgane had dissapeared easily.
"See Tori, we can do just fine while your gone." Hunter said
"Yeah i can see that." Tori replied.

ooc: If like tell me and i'll keep writing...

ToriBlake11
06-30-2007, 12:25 AM
I added on a chapter and alittle of chapter 3, so read and send me your toughts on changes i need to make and how it sounds.
Please and Thank you
ToriBlake11

GundamExia
06-30-2007, 12:56 AM
Wow....where to begin?

~Way too short. These chapters aren't even a page long. I don't even think they're half a page.
~Poor formatting. You don't have to press enter after EVERY sentence.
~Barely any detail at all, if any.
~Bad spelling and grammar.
~Boring dialogue.

I'm sure I could probably find more, but it's late and it's been a long, tiring day.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat this: This "story" is terrible, and I use the word "story" incredibly loosely here.

ToriBlake11
06-30-2007, 01:13 AM
Hey give me a little break, it's my first one.. Sorry you don't like it but thanks for the review, anyway i can make it better just tell me..:) :023:

GundamExia
06-30-2007, 01:20 AM
All you did was combine the three "chapters" into one "chapter" that's still far too short. You didn't fix anything else. Read some stories around here from popular writers, and you'll see how drastically different yours is from theirs.

EDIT: Oh, and also, don't post new topics to advertise. Unless you want that thread and maybe this one closed by the mods.

ShadowRanger
06-30-2007, 04:25 AM
DO NOT MAKE THREADS TO ADVERTISE YOUR FICS IN THIS FORUM!
If you make any more threads like this again, not only will I close all your threads in this forum, you will most likely be banned for spamming. Thread merged and closed.